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>,. 



A HISTORY OF NEW YORK 

V. 







>iAXrixLD Pakk «k affl 



"And Oloffe bethought him, and hi hastened and climbed up to the top of one of the tallest trees, and saw that the smoke 
spread over a great extent of country ; and, as he considered it more attentively, be fancied that the great volume of smoke 
assumed a variety of marvellous forms, where in dim obscurity he saw shadowed out palaces and domes and lofty spires.'" 



HISTORY 

OF 

NEW YORK 

FROM 

%l)t iScginning of tjje IMorlD 

TO 

THE END OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY 



Containing, among Many Surprising and Curious Matters, the 
Unutterable Ponderi/igs oi Walter THE Doubter, the Disastrous Projects oi Wil- 
liam THE Testy, and the Chivalric Achievements of Peter the Headstrong 
— the Three Dutch Governors of New Amsterdam; Being the On/y Authen- 
tic History of the Times that Ever Hath Been or Ever Will Be Published 



By DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER 



Dc toaarbeiD Die in Duistcr lag 
Die komt met flaarbeiD aan Den Dag 



The whole Embellish'd by Eight PiBures from the Hand of 

MAXFIELD PARRISH, ESQ'"''- 

New York: ®obb, jMeatl $c Compaitp, Publishers 

1915 






Copyright, 1900, by Robert Howard Russell 
Printed in the United States 

f 

IVe take pleasure in granting such authorization as may be in order on the part of 

the authorized publishers of The Complete and Revised Works of Washington 

Irving for the issue of the special edition of the Knickerbocker History of New 

York. 

G. P. Putnam's Sons. 

February 3, 1900. 



iL 



A Table of Contents 

INCLUDING THE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY; ACCOUNT OF THE 
AUTHOR; TO THE PUBLIC; ORIGINAL ADVERTISEMENTS 

fe i 

CONTJININq 'DIFERS INQENIOVS THEORIES JNT) THILOSOTHIC 
STECULJTIONS CONCERNINg THE CREJTIO^f^ JN'B TOTULJTIOD<^ 
OF THE IVORLT), JS CONNECTET) WITH THE HISTORT OF NEW TORK^ 

Chapter I. — Description of the World. i 

Chapter II. — Cosmogony, or Creation of the World; with a Multitude 
of Excellent Theories by which the Creation of a World is shown to be no such Difficult 
Matter as Common Folk would imagine. 5 

Chapter III. — How that famous Navigator, Noah, was shamefully nick- 
named, and how he committed an unpardonable Oversight in not having four Sons ; 
with the great trouble of Philosophers caused thereby, and the Discovery of America. 1 2 

Chapter IV. — Showing the great difficulty Philosophers have had in 
peopling America, and how the Aborigines came to be begotten by Accident — to the great 
relief and satisfaftion of the Author. jg 

Chapter V. — In which the Author puts a Mighty Question to the rout, 

by the Assistance of the Man in the Moon, — which not only delivers Thousands of People 

from great Embarrassment, but likewise concludes this Introduftory Book. 21 

iS fe i i 

TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCE OF 
NIEUW-NEDERLANDTS 

Chapter I. — In which are contained Divers Reasons why a Man should 

not write in a hurry ; also, of Master Hendrick Hudson, his Discovery of a Strange Country, 

and how he was magnificently rewarded by the Munificence of their High Mightinesses. 'le 

Chapter II. — Containing an Account of a mighty Ark which floated, 
under the proteftion of St. Nicholas, from Holland to Gibbet Island; the descent of the 
strange Animals therefrom ; a great Viftory, and a Description of the Ancient Village of 
Communipaw. ^2 

Chapter III. — In which is set forth the True Art of making a Bargain, 

together with the Miraculous Escape of a Great Metropolis in a Fog, and the Biography of 
certain Heroes of Communipaw. a'j 

Chapter IV. — How the Heroes of Communipaw voyaged to Hell-Gate, 

and how they were received There. r 2 

Chapter V. — How the Heroes of Communipaw returned somewhat 

wiser than they went, and how the Sage Oloffe dreamed a Dream, and the Dream that he 
dreamed. CQ 

Chapter VI. — Containing an Attempt at Etymology, and of the Found- 
ing of the Great City of New Amsterdam. 62 

[V ] 



A Table of Contents 



Chapter VII. — How the People of Pavonia migrated from Communipaw 
to the Island of Manna-hata, and how OlofFe the Dreamer proved himself a Great Land- 
Speculator. 64 

Chapter VIII. — Of the Founding and Naming of the New City ; of the 

City Arms ; and of the Direful Feud between Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches. 66 

Chapter IX. — How the City of New Amsterdam waxed great under the 
Proteftion of St. Nicholas and the Absence of Laws and Statutes ; how Oloffe the Dreamer 
began to Dream of an extension of Empire, and of the EfFeft of his Dreams. -70 



^1 I I 
t t t 



IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF ITOUTER VAN 
TiVILLER 

Chapter I. — Of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, his unparalleled 
Virtues — as likewise his unutterable Wisdom in the Law-Case of Wandle Schoonhoven and 
Barent Bleecker, and the great Admiration of the Public thereat. yy 

Chapter II. — Containing some Account of the Grand Council of New 

Amsterdam ; as also divers especial good Philosophical Reasons why an Alderman should be 

Fat ; with other Particulars touching the State of the Province. 83 

Chapter III. — How the Town of New Amsterdam arose out of Mud, 
and came to be marvellously Polished and Polite ; Together with a Pidlure of the Manners 
of our Great-Great-Grandfathers. 90 

Chapter IV. — Containing further Particulars of the Golden Age, and 

what constituted a Fine Lady and Gentleman in the days of Walter the Doubter. g^ 

Chapter V. — Of the Founding of Fort Aurania; of the Mysteries of the 
Hudson; of the Arrival of the Patroon Killian Van Renscllaer — his lordly descent upon 
the Earth, and his Introduftion of Club-Law. 99 

Chapter VI. — In which the Reader is beguiled into a delegable Walk, 

which ends very differently from what it commenced. lOI 

Chapter VII. — Faithfully describing the Ingenious People of Connefti- 

cut and thereabouts — showing, moreover, the true meaning of Liberty of Conscience, and a 
curious device among these sturdy Barbarians, to keep up a Harmony of Intercourse and 
promote Population. I05 

Chapter VIII. — How these singular Barbarians turned out to be notori- 
ous Squatters ; How they built Air-Castlcs and attempted to initiate the Nederlanders into the 
Mystery of Bundling. IO9 

Chapter IX. — How the Fort Goed Hoop was fearfully beleaguered; 

How the Renowned Wouter fell into a profound Doubt, and how he finally evaporated. 113 



iS fe lb 



CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIGN OF WILLIAM THE 
TESTY 

Chapter I. — Showing the Nature of History in general ; containing far- 

[ vi ] 



A T'able of Contents 

thermore the universal Acquirements of William the Testy, and how a Man may learn so 
much as to render himself Good for Nothing 121 

Chapter II. — How William the Testy undertook to conquer by pro- 
clamation; How he was a Great Man abroad, but a Little Man in his own House 12^ 

Chapter III. — In which are recorded the sage Projeds of a Ruler of uni- 
versal Genius, — the Art of fighting by Proclamation, — and how that the valiant Jacobus Van 
Curlet came to be foully dishonored at Fort Goed Hoop I 28 

Chapter IV. — Containing the fearful Wrath of William the Testy, and 

the Alarm of New Amsterdam; How the Governor did strongly fortify the City; Of the 
Rise of Anthony the Trumpeter, and the windy Addition to the Armorial Bearings of New 
Amsterdam I3I 

Chapter V. — Of the Jurisprudence of William the Testy, and his admir- 
able Expedients for the Suppression of Poverty 13^^ 

Chapter VI. — Projecfts of William the Testy for increasing the Currency ; 

He is outwitted by the Yankees; The great Oyster War Ijy 

Chapter VII. — Growing Discontents of New Amsterdam under the Gov- 
ernment of William the Testy 140 

Chapter VIII. — Of the Edidl of William the Testy against Tobacco; 

Of the Pipe-Plot, and the Rise of Feuds and Parties 1 42 

Chapter IX. — Of the Folly of Being Happy in Time of Prosperity; 

Of Troubles to the South brought on by Annexation; Of the secret Expedition of Jan Jansen 
Alpendam, and his Magnificent Reward 1 45 

Chapter X.— Troublous Times on the Hudson; How Killian Van 

Rensellaer erefted a Feudal Castle, and how he introduced Club-Law into the Province 148 

Chapter XI. — Of the Diplomatic Mission of Anthony the Trumpeter to 

the Fortress of Rensellaerstein, and how he was puzzled by a Cabalistic Reply I £ I 

Chapter XII. — Containing the Rise of the great Amphiftyonic Council 

of the Pilgrims, with the Decline and final Extinftion of William the Testy I ^4 



fe b 



CONTJINING THE FIRST PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER STUTFE- 
SANT, AND HIS TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHICTTONIC COUNCIL 

Chapter I. — In which the Death of a Great Man is shown to be no very 

inconsolable matter of Sorrow, and how Peter Stuyvesant acquired a great Name from the 
uncommon Strength of his Head 1 6 I 

Chapter II. — Showing how Peter the Headstrong bestirred himself among 

the Rats and Cobwebs on entering into Office; His interview with Anthony the Trum- 
peter, and his perilous meddling with the Currency I 66 

Chapter III. — How the Yankee League waxed more and more Potent, 

and how it outwitted the Good Peter in Treaty-Making I 69 

Chapter IV. — Containing divers Speculations on War and Negotia- 
tions — Showing that a Treaty of Peace is a great National Evil 113 

[ Vii ] 



A Table of Contents 

Chapter V. — How Peter Stuyvesant was grievously belied by the great 
Council of the League, and how he sent Anthony the Trumpeter to take to the Council a 
piece of his Mind. I 78 

Chapter VI. — How Peter Stuyvesant demanded a Court of Honor, and 

of the Court of Honor awarded to him. I 8 I 

Chapter VII. — How "Drum Ecclesiastic" was beaten throughout Con- 
necticut for a Crusade against the New Netherlands, and how Peter Stuyvesant took meas- 
ures to fortify hi» Capital. 183 

Chapter VIII. — How the Yankee Crusade against the New Netherlands 

was baffled by the sudden outbreak of Witchcraft among the people of the East. 186 

Chapter IX. — Which records the Rise and Renown of a military Com- 
mander, showing that a Man, like a Bladder, may be puffed up to greatness by mere Wind ; 
together with the Catastrophe of a Veteran and his Queue. IjO 



fe b i 

CONTAINING THE SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER THE 
HEADSTRONG, AND HIS GALLANT ACHIEf^EMENTS ON THE DELA- 
WARE 

Chapter I. — In which is exhibited a warlike Portrait of the Great Peter, 
of the windy contest of General Van Poffenburgh and General Printz, and of the Mus- 
quito War on the Delaware. I ^^ 

Chapter II. — Of Jan Risingh, his Giantly Person and Crafty Deeds, 

and of the Catastrophe at Fort Casimir. 203 

Chapter III. — Showing how Profound Secrets are often brought to 
Light ; with the Proceedings of Peter the Headstrong when he heard of the Misfortunes of 
General Van Poffenburgh. 208 

Chapter IV. — Containing Peter Stuyvesant's Voyage up the Hudson, 

and the Wonders and Delights of that renowned River. 2 I 3 

Chapter V. — Describing the Powerful Army that assembled at the City 
of New Amsterdam ; Together with the Interview between Peter the Headstrong and 
General Van Poffenburgh, and Peter's Sentiments touching Unfortunate Great Men. 2 I 8 

Chapter VI. — In which the Author discourses very ingenuously of Him- 
self; After which is to be found much Interesting History about Peter the Headstrong and 
his Followers. 223 

Chapter VII. — Showing the Great Advantage that the Author has over 
his Reader in time of Battle, Together with Divers Portentous Movements which betoken 
that Something Terrible is about to Happen. 229 

Chapter VIII. — Containing the Most Horrible Battle ever recorded in 
Poetry or Prose ; with the Admirable Exploits of Peter the Headstrong. 234 

Chapter IX. — In which the author and the Reader, while reposing after 
the Battle, fall into a very Grave Discourse ; After which is recorded the Conduft of Peter 
Stuyvesant after his Viftory. 24I 

[ viii ] 



A Table of Contents 



iS fe bit 



CONTAINING THE THIRD PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER THE 
HEADSTRONG, HIS TROUBLES WITH THE BRITISH NATION, AND 
THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY 

Chapter I. — How Peter Stuyvesant relieved the Sovereign People from 
the Burthen of taking care of the Nation ; with sundry Particulars of his Conduft in Time 
of Peace, and of the Rise of a Great Dutch Aristocracy 24Q 

Chapter II. — How Peter Stuyvesant labored to civilize the Community ; 
how he was a great Promoter of Holidays ; how he instituted Kissing on New-Year's Day ; 
how he distributed Fiddles throughout the New Netherlands ; how he ventured to reform 
the Ladies' Petticoats, and how he caught a Tartar 2 C4 

Chapter III. — How Troubles thickened on the Province; how it is 

threatened by the Helderbergers, the Merrylanders, and the Giants of the Susquehanna 2C7 

Chapter IV. — How Peter Stuyvesant adventured into the East Country, 

and how he fared there 260 

Chapter V. — How the Yankees secretly sought the Aid of the British 

Cabinet in their Hostile Schemes against the Manhattoes 26c 

Chapter VI. — Of Peter Stuyvesant's Expedition into the East Country, 
showing, that though an old Bird, he did not understand Trap 26"' 

Chapter VII. — How the People of New Amsterdam were thrown into a 

Great Panic by the News of the threatened Invasion, and the Manner in which they forti- 
fied themselves 

Chapter VIII. — How the Grand Council of the New Netherlands were 
miraculously gifted with Long Tongues in the Moment of Emergency — Showing the value 
of Words in Warfare 



Chapter IX. — In which the Troubles of New Amsterdam appeared to 

thicken; showing the Bravery, in Time of Peril, of a People who defend themselves by 
Resolutions 



271 



277 



Chapter X. — Containing a Doleful Disaster of Anthony the Trumpeter, 

and how Peter Stuyvesant, like a second Cromwell, suddenly dissolved a Rump Parliament 282 

Chapter XI. — How Peter Stuyvesant defended the City of New Amster- 
dam for several Days, by dint of the Strength of his Head 286 

Chapter XII. — Containing the dignified Retirement and mortal Surren- 
der of Peter the Headstrong 2qi 

Chapter XIII. — The Author's Refledions upon What Has Been Said 296 



[ ix] 



A List of Illustrations 



frontispiece 

BOOK II CHAPTER V 

" And OlofFe bethought him, and he hastened and climbed up to the top of one of 
the tallest trees, and saw that the smoke spread over a great extent of country ; 
and, as he considered it more attentively, he fancied that the great volume of smoke 
assumed a variety of marvellous forms, where in dim obscurity he saw shadowed 
out palaces and domes and lofty spires." 

15 fe ( 

CHAPTER V 

" They introduced among them rum, gin, and brandy, and the other comforts of 

life. ..." 25 

15 6 it 

CHAPTER II 

Saint Nicholas. 44 

13 6 I t i 

CHAP TER I 

Wouter Van Twiller. " The morning after he had been installed in office, and 
at the moment that he was making his breakfast from a prodigious earthen dish, 
filled with milk and Indian pudding, he was interrupted by the appearance of 
Wandle Schoonhoven, s very important old burgher of New Amsterdam." 8 i 

TB fi ft 

CHAPTER VII 

'■'■Blacksmiths . . . suffered their own fires to go out, while they blew the bel- 
lows and stirred up the fores of faElion^ 140 

13 fe i) 

CHAPTER VIII 

Concerning witchcraft. 188 

15 6 1) f 

CHAPTER VIII 

'■'■A phalanx of oyster-fed 'Pz.voma.ns . . . who had remained behind to digest 
the enormous dinner they had eaten y 238 

TB 6 toll 

CHAPTER IX 

'■'■The first movement of the governor . . . was to mount to the roof, whence he 
contemplated with rueful aspect the hostile squadron." 278 

[ xi ] 



tE^!)f ilutfjor's ilpoloap 



THK following work^ in which^ at the outset^ nothing 
jnore was contemplated than a temporary jeu 
d'esprit, was commenced in company with my bro- 
ther^ the late Peter Irving^ Esq. Our idea was, to parody 
a small hand-book which had recently appeared, entitled A 
Picture of New York. Like that, our work was to begin 
with an historical sketch, to be followed by notices of the 
customs, manners, and institutions of the city, written in 
a serio-cojnic vein, and treating local errors, follies, a?td 
abuses with good-humored satire. 

"To burlesque the pedantic lore displayed in certain Afner- 
ican works, our historical sketch was to cofnmence with the 
creation of the world ; a?jd we laid all kinds of works under 
contribution for trite citations, releva?it or irrelevant, to 
give it the proper air of learned research. Before this crude 
mass of tnock erudition could be digested into for ?n, my bro- 
ther departed for Europe, and I was left to prosecute the 
enterprise alone. 

I now altered the plan of the work. Discarding all idea of 
a parody on the Picture of New York, / determined that 
what had been origi?ially intended as an introduSiory sketch 
should comprise the whole work, and form a comic history of 
the city. I accordingly moulded the mass of citations and dis- 
quisitio7is into i?ttroduBory chapters, forming the first book ; 
but it soon became evident to me that, like Robinson Crusoe 
with his boat, I had begu7i on too large a scale, and that, to 
launch tny history successfully , I must reduce its proportions. 
I accordingly resolved to confine it to the period of the Dutch 
domination!, which, in its rise, progress, a?jd decline, pre- 

[ xJii ] 



sented that ufiity of subjeSi required by classic rule. It was 
a period, also, at that ti^ne almost a terra incognita />; his- 
tory. In faSi, I was surprised to find how few of 7}iy fellow- 
citizens were aware that New York had ever bee?i called 
New ylmsterdam, or had heard of the names of its early 
Dutch governors, or cared a straw about their ancient 
Dutch progenitors. 

This, then, broke upon jne as the poetic age of our city — 
poetic fro?n its very obscurity; and ope?i, like the early and 
obscure days of ancient Rome, to all the embellishments of 
heroic fi&ion. I hailed my native city as fortu?iate above 
all other American cities, in having an antiquity thus ex- 
tending back into the regions of doubt and fable ; neither 
did I conceive I was committing any grievous historical sin 
in helping out the few faBs I could colleSl in this re7note 
and forgotten region with figments of my own brain, or in 
giving charaEieristic attributes to the few fiames confieSied 
with it which I might dig up from oblivion. 
In this, doubtless, I reasoned like a young and inexperienced 
writer besotted with his own fancies ; and my presumptuous 
trespasses into this sacred though negleBed region of his- 
tory have fnet with deserved rebuke from men of soberer 
minds. It is too late, however, to recall the shaft thus rashly 
launched. To a?7y one whose sense of fitness it may wound, 
I can only say with Hamlet, — 

Let my disclaiming from a purposed evil 
Free me so far in your most generous thoughts, 
That I have shot my arrow o'er the house. 
And hurt my brother. 

I will say this in further apology for my work: that, if it 
has taken an unwarrantable liberty with our early provin- 
cial history, it has at least turned attention to that history 
and provoked research. It is only since this work appeared 

[ xiv ] 



that the foi'gotten archives of the province have been rum- 
maged^ a}id the faSis and personages of the olden titne res- 
cued from the dust of oblivion and elevated into whatever 
importance they may virtually possess. 

The main objeSl of my work^ in faSi^ had a bearing wide 
from the sober aim of history ; but one which, I trust, will 
meet with some indulgence from poetic minds. It was to 
embody the traditiofis of our city in an amusing form ; 
to illustrate its local humors, customs, and peculiarities ; to 
clothe home scenes and places and familiar 7tames with those 
imaginative and whimsical associations so seldom met with 
in our new country, but which live like charms a?id spells 
about the cities of the old world, binding the heart of the 
native inhabitant to his home. 

In this I have reason to believe I have in some ?neasure suc- 
ceeded. Before the appearance of my work the popular tra- 
ditions of our city were u7zrecorded ; the peculiar and racy 
customs and usages derived from our Dutch progenitors 
were unnoticed, or regarded with ijjdifference, or adverted 
to with a sneer. Now they for 7n a co?tvivial currency, and 
are brought forward on all occasions ; they link our whole 
community together in good humor and good fellowship ; 
they are the rallying points of home feeling, the seasoning 
of our civic festivities, the staple of local tales and local 
pleasantries, and are so harped upon by our writers of 
popular Ji&ion that I find myself abnost crowded off the le- 
gendary ground which I was the first to explore, by the 
host who have followed in jny footsteps. 
I dwell on this head, because, at the first appearance of my 
work. Its airn and drift were misapprehe?ided by some of 
the descendants of the Dutch worthies, and because I under- 
stand that now and then one 7nay still be found to regard 
it with a captious eye. The far greater part, however, I 

[ XV ] 



C{)e 9luti)or*s apologp 



have reason to flatter inyself^ receive my good-hufnored pic- 
turings in the same temper in which they were executed ; 
and when I find^ after a lapse of nearly forty years ^ this 
hap-hazard produElion of my youth still cherished among 
them, — when I fnd its very name become a '-^ household word""^ 
and used to give the home stamp to everything recomme?tded 
for popular acceptation^ such as Knickerbocker societies^ 
Knickerbocker insurance companies^ Knickerbocker steam- 
boats^ Knickerbocker omnibuses^ K?iickerbocker bread^ and 
Knickerbocker ice ; and when I find New Yorkers of Dutch 
descent priding themselves upon being ^^ genuine Knicker- 
bockers^^' — I please 7ny self with the persuasion that I have 
struck the right chord ; that my dealings with the good old 
Dutch times, and the customs and usages derivedfrom them, 
are in harmony with the feelings and humors of my towns- 
men ; that I have opened a vein of pleasant associations and 
quaint charaBeristics peculiar to my ?iative place, and which 
its inhabitants will not willingly suffer to pass away ; and 
that, though other histories of New York may appear of 
higher claims to learned acceptation, a?id may take their 
dignified and appropriate rank in the family library, 
Knickerbocker s history will still be received with good- 
humored indulgence, and be thumbed and chuckled over by 
the family fireside. 

JF. L 

Sunnyside, 1848, 



[ xvi ] 



Account of the Author 

IT was some time, if I recolleft right, in the early part of the autumn 
of 1808, that a stranger applied for lodgings at the Independent 
Columbian Hotel, in Mulberry street, of which I am landlord. He 
was a small, brisk-looking old gentleman, dressed in a rusty black coat, 
a pair of olive velvet breeches, and a small cocked hat. He had a few 
gray hairs plaited and clubbed behind, and his beard seemed to be of 
some eight-and-forty hours' growth. The only piece of finery which 
he bore about him was a bright pair of square silver shoe-buckles, 
and all his baggage was contained in a pair of saddle-bags, which he 
carried under his arm. His whole appearance was something out of the 
common run ; and my wife, who is a very shrewd body, at once set 
him down for some eminent country schoolmaster. 
As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a very small house, I was a 
little puzzled at first where to put him ; but my wife, who seemed 
taken with his looks, would needs put him in her best chamber, which 
is genteelly set off with the profiles of the whole family, done in black, 
by those two great painters, Jarvis and Wood, and commands a very 
pleasant view of the new grounds on the Colledl, together with the 
rear of the Poor-house and Bridewell, and a full front of the Hospital, 
so that it is the cheerfullest room in the whole house. 
During the whole time that he stayed vith us we found him a very 
worthy, good sort of an old gentleman, though a little queer in his ways. 
He would keep in his room for days together, and if any of the children 
cried, or made a noise about his door, he would bounce out in a great 
passion, with his hands full of papers, and say something about "de- 
ranging his ideas," which made my wife believe sometimes that he 
was not altogether compos. Indeed, there was more than one reason to 
make her think so, for his room was always covered with scraps of 
paper and old mouldy books, lying about at sixes and sevens, which 
he would never let anybody touch, for he said he had laid them all 
away in their proper places, so that he might know where to find them, 
though for that matter he was half his time worrying about the house 
in search of some book or writing which he had carefully put out of 

[ xvii ] 



Account of the Author 



the way. I shall never forget what a pother he once made, because my 
wife cleaned out his room when his back, was turned, and put everything 
to rights ; for he swore he would never be able to get his papers in order 
again in a twelvemonth. Upon this, my wife ventured to ask him what he 
did with so many books and papers, and he told her that he was "seek- 
ing for immortality," which made her think more than ever that the 
poor old gentleman's head was a little cracked. 

He was a very inquisitive body, and when not in his room was contin- 
ually poking about town, hearing all the news and prying into everything 
that was going on ; this was particularly the case about election time, when 
he did nothing but bustle about from poll to poll, attending all ward meet- 
ings and committee rooms, though I could never find that he took part 
with either side of the question. On the contrary, he would come home 
and rail at both parties with great wrath — and plainly proved one day, 
to the satisfa6tion of my wife and three old ladies who were drinking tea 
with her, that the two parties were like two rogues, each tugging at a 
skirt of the nation, and that in the end they would tear the very coat off 
its back and expose its nakedness. Indeed, he was an oracle among the 
neighbors, who would colleft around him to hear him talk of an after- 
noon, as he smoked his pipe on the bench before the door ; and I really 
believe he would have brought over the whole neighborhood to his own 
side of the question if they could ever have found out what it was. 
He was very much given to argue, or, as he called it, philosophize^ about 
the most trifling matter; and, to do him justice, I never knew anybody 
that was a match for him, except it was a grave-looking old gentleman 
who called now and then to see him, and often posed him in an argument. 
But this is nothing surprising, as I have since found out this stranger is 
the city librarian, who, of course, must be a man of great learning ; and 
I have my doubts if he had not some hand in the following history. 
As our lodger had been a long time with us, and we had never received 
any pay, my wife began to be somewhat uneasy, and curious to find out 
who and what he was. She accordingly made bold to put the question to 
his friend, the librarian, who replied in his dry way that he was one of 
the ///?r^//, which she supposed to mean some new party in politics. I scorn 
to push a lodger for his pay, so I let day after day pass on without dun- 
ning the old gentleman for a farthing ; but my wife, who always takes 

[ xviii ] 



Account of the Author 

these matters on herself, and is, as I said, a shrewd kind of a woman, at 
last got out of patience, and hinted that she thought it high time "some 
people should have a sight of some people's money." To which the old 
gentleman replied, in a mighty touchy manner, that she need not make 
herself uneasy, for that he had a treasure there (pointing to his saddle- 
bags) worth her whole house put together. This was the only answer 
we could ever get from him ; and as my wife, by some of those odd ways 
in which women find out everything, learnt that he was of very great 
connexions, being related to the Knickerbockers of Scaghtikoke, and 
cousin german to the congressman of that name, she did not like to treat 
him uncivilly. What is more, she even offered, merely by way of making 
things easy, to let him live scot-free, if he would teach the children their 
letters, and to try her best and get her neighbors to send their children 
also ; but the old gentleman took it in such dudgeon, and seemed so af- 
fronted at being taken for a schoolmaster, that she never dared to speak 
on the subjeft again. 

About two months ago he went out of a morning with a bundle in his 
hand, and has never been heard of since. All kinds of inquiries were made 
after him, but in vain. I wrote to his relations at Scaghtikoke, but they 
sent for answer that he had not been there since the year before last, when 
he had a great dispute with the congressman about politics, and left the 
place in a huff, and they had neither heard nor seen anything of him 
from that time to this. I must own I felt very much worried about the 
poor old gentleman, for I thought something bad must have happened 
to him, that he should be missing so long, and never return to pay his 
bill. I therefore advertised him in the newspapers, and though my mel- 
ancholy advertisement was published by several humane printers, yet I 
have never been able to learn anything satisfactory about him. 
My wife now said it was high time to take care of ourselves, and see if 
he had left anything behind in his room that would pay us for his board 
and lodging. We found nothing, however, but some old books and musty 
writings, and his saddle-bags, which, being opened in the presence of 
the librarian, contained only a few articles of worn-out clothes and a 
large bundle of blotted paper. On looking over this, the librarian told 
us he had no doubt it was the treasure which the old gentleman had 
spoken about, as it proved to be a most excellent and faithful History 

[ xix ] 



Account of the Author 



OF New York, which he advised us by all means to publish, assuring us 
that it would be so eagerly bought up by a discerning public, that he 
had no doubt it would be enough to pay our arrears ten times over. 
Upon this we got a very learned schoolmaster, who teaches our children, 
to prepare it for the press, which he accordingly has done, and has, 
moreover, added to it a number of valuable notes of his own. 
This, therefore, is a true statement of my reasons for having this work 
printed without waiting for the consent of the author ; and I here de- 
clare that if he ever returns (though I much fear some unhappy acci- 
dent has befallen him), I stand ready to account with him like a true 
and honest man. Which is all at present. 

From the public's humble servant, 

Seth Handaside. 

Independent Columbian Hotel, New York. 

The foregoing account of the author was prefixed to the first edition of 
this work. Shortly after its publication a letter was received from him, 
by Mr. Handaside, dated at a small Dutch village on the banks of the 
Hudson, whither he had travelled for the purpose of inspecting certain 
ancient records. As this was one of those few and happy villages into 
which newspapers never find their way, it is not a matter of surprise that 
Mr. Knickerbocker should never have seen the numerous advertisements 
that were made concerning him, and that he should learn of the publi- 
cation of his history by mere accident. 

He expressed much concern at its premature appearance, as thereby he 
was prevented from making several important correftions and alterations, 
as well as from profiting by many curious hints which he had collefted 
during his travels along the shores of the Tappan Sea and his sojourn 
at Haverstraw and Esopus. 

Finding that there was no longer any immediate necessity for his return 
to New York, he extended his journey up to the residence of his rela- 
tions at Scaghtikoke. On his way thither he stopped for some days at 
Albany, for which city he is known to have entertained a great partiality. 
He found it, however, considerably altered, and was much concerned at 
the inroads and improvements which the Yankees were making, and the 
consequent decline of the good old Dutch manners. Indeed, he was in- 

[ XX ] 



Account ofthe Author 



formed that these intruders were making sad innovations in all parts 
of the State, where they had given great trouble and vexation to the 
regular Dutch settlers by the introdudion of turn-pike gates and country 
school-houses. It is said, also, that Mr. Knickerbocker shook his head 
sorrowfully at noticing the gradual decay of the great Vander Heyden 
palace ; but was highly indignant at finding that the ancient Dutch 
church, which stood in the middle of the street, had been pulled down 
since his last visit. 

The fame of Mr. Knickerbocker's history having reached even to Al- 
bany, he received much flattering attention from its worthy burghers, 
some of whom, however, pointed out two or three very great errors he 
had fallen into, particularly that of suspending a lump of sugar over the 
Albany tea-tables, which, they assured him, had been discontinued for 
some years past. Several families, moreover, were somewhat piqued that 
their ancestors had not been mentioned in his work, and showed great 
jealousy of their neighbors who had thus been distinguished ; while the 
latter, it must be confessed, plumed themselves vastly thereupon, con- 
sidering these recordings in the light of letters-patent of nobility, estab- 
lishing their claims to ancestry — which, in this republican country, is a 
matter of no little solicitude and vainglory. 

It is also said that he enjoyed high favor and countenance from the 
governor, who once asked him to dinner, and was seen two or three 
times to shake hands with him when they met in the streets, which 
certainly was going great lengths, considering that they differed in poli- 
tics. Indeed, certain of the governor's confidential friends, to whom he 
could venture to speak his mind freely on such matters, have assured us 
that he privately entertained a considerable good-will for our author, — 
nay, he even once went so far as to declare, and that openly too, and at 
his own table, just after dinner, that "Knickerbocker was a very well- 
meaning sort of an old gentleman, and no fool." From all which many 
have been led to suppose that, had our author been of different politics, 
and written for the newspapers instead of wasting his talents on histories, 
he might have risen to some post of honor and profit — peradventure, to 
be a notary-public, or even a justice in the ten-pound court. 
Beside the honors and civilities already mentioned, he was much ca- 
ressed by the literati of Albany ; particularly by Mr. John Cook, who 

[ xxi ] 



Account of the Author 

entertained him very hospitably at his circulating library and reading- 
room, where they used to drink Spa water and talk about the ancients. 
He found Mr. Cook a man after his own heart — of great literary re- 
search, and a curious coUeftor of books. At parting, the latter, in testi- 
mony of friendship, made him a present of the two oldest works in his 
colle6lion, which were the earliest edition of the Heidelberg Catechism 
and Adrian Vander Donck's famous account of the New Netherlands, 
by the last of which Mr. Knickerbocker profited greatly in his second 
edition. 

Having passed some time very agreeably at Albany, our author proceeded 
to Scaghtikoke, where, it is but justice to say, he was received with open 
arms and treated with wonderful loving-kindness. He was much looked 
up to by the family, being the first historian of the name, and was con- 
sidered almost as great a man as his cousin the congressman — with 
whom, by the by, he became perfeftly reconciled, and contrafted a strong 
friendship. 

In spite, however, of the kindness of his relations and their great atten- 
tion to his comforts, the old gentleman soon became restless and dis- 
contented. His history being published, he had no longer any business 
to occupy his thoughts, or any scheme to excite his hopes and antici- 
pations. This, to a busy mind like his, was a truly deplorable situation ; 
and had he not been a man of inflexible morals and regular habits, there 
would have been great danger of his taking to politics, or drinking — 
both which pernicious vices we daily see men driven to by mere spleen 
and idleness. 

It is true, he sometimes employed himself in preparing a second edition 
of his history, wherein he endeavored to correct and improve many pas- 
sages with which he was dissatisfied, and to reftify some mistakes that 
had crept into it ; for he was particularly anxious that his work should 
be noted for its authenticity, which, indeed, is the very life and soul of 
history. But the glow of composition had departed ; he had to leave 
many places untouched which he would fain have altered, and even 
where he did make alterations he seemed always in doubt whether they 
were for the better or the worse. 

After a residence of some time at Scaghtikoke he began to feel a strong 
desire to return to New- York, which he ever regarded with the warm- 

[ xxii ] 



Account of the Author 

est afFeftion, not merely because it was his native city, but because he 
really considered it the very best city in the whole world. On his re- 
turn he entered into the full enjoyment of the advantages of a literary 
reputation. He was continually importuned to write advertisements, pe- 
titions, handbills, and produ6lions of similar import ; and, although he 
never meddled with the public papers, yet he had the credit of writing 
innumerable essays and smart things that appeared on all subjefts and all 
sides of the question, in all which he was clearly detected " by his style." 
He contradled, moreover, a considerable debt at the post-office, in con- 
sequence of the numerous letters he received from authors and printers 
soliciting his subscription, and he was applied to by every charitable 
society for yearly donations, which he gave very cheerfully, considering 
these applications as so many compliments. He was once invited to a 
great corporation dinner, and was even twice summoned to attend as a 
juryman at the court of quarter-sessions. Indeed, so renowned did he 
become that he could no longer pry about, as formerly, in all holes and 
corners of the city, according to the bent of his humor, unnoticed and 
uninterrupted ; but several times when he has been sauntering the streets, 
on his usual rambles of observation, equipped with his cane and cocked 
hat, the little boys at play have been known to cry, "There goes Died- 
rich !" — at which the old gentleman seemed not a little pleased, look- 
ing upon these salutations in the light of the praise of posterity. 
In a word, if we take into consideration all these various honors and 
distinftions, together with an exuberant eulogium passed on him in the 
Port Folio (with which, we are told, the old gentleman was so much 
overpowered that he was sick for two or three days), it must be con- 
fessed that few authors have ever lived to receive such illustrious re- 
wards, or have so completely enjoyed in advance their own immortality. 
After his return from Scaghtikoke, Mr. Knickerbocker took up his resi- 
dence at a little rural retreat which the Stuyvesants had granted him 
on the family domain, in gratitude for his honorable mention of their 
ancestor. It was pleasantly situated on the borders of one of the salt 
marshes beyond Corlear's Hook ; subjed:, indeed, to be occasionally 
overflowed, and much infested in the summer-time with mosquitos, but 
otherwise very agreeable, producing abundant crops of salt grass and 
bulrushes. 

[ xxiii ] 



Account of the Author 

Here, we are sorry to say, the good old gentleman fell dangerously ill 
of a fever, occasioned by the neighboring marshes. When he found his 
end approaching, he disposed of his worldly affairs, leaving the bulk of 
his fortune to the New York Historical Society, his Heidelberg Cate- 
chism and Vander Donck's work to the city library, and his saddle-bags 
to Mr. Handaside. He forgave all his enemies, — that is to say, all who 
bore any enmity towards him ; for, as to himself, he declared he died in 
good-will with all the world. And after diftating several kind messages 
to his relations at Scaghtikoke, as well as to certain of our most substan- 
tial Dutch citizens, he expired in the arms of his friend the librarian. 
His remains were interred, according to his own request, in St. Mark's 
churchyard, close by the bones of his favorite hero, Peter Stuyvesant ; 
and it is rumored that the Historical Society have it in mind to ereft 
a wooden monument to his memory in the Bowling Green. 



tro t\)t l^xMit 




rescue from oblivion the jnemory of former 
incidents^ and to render a just tribute of 
renown to the many great and wonderful 
tra?JsaBio?2s of our Dutch progenitors^ 
Diedrich Knickerbocker^ native of the city 
of New York^produces this historical essay .^ 
Like the great Father of History^ whose words I have 
just quoted^ I treat of times long past^ over which the 
twilight of U72certainty had already throwjt its shadows^ 
and the night offorgetfulness was about to descend for ever. 
IVith great solicitude had I long beheld the early history of 
this venerable and ancient city gradually slipping from our 
grasps trembling on the lips of narrative old age^ and day 
by day dropping piecemeal into the tomb. In a little while^ 
thought /, and those reverend Dutch burghers.^ who serve as 
the tottering jnonujnents of good old ti^nes, will be gathered 
to their fathers ; their children^ engrossed by the empty plea- 
sures or insignificant transa&ions of the present age^ will 
negleEi to treasure up the recolle&ions of the past^ and 
posterity will search in vain for ?nemorials of the days of 
the Patriarchs. The origin of our city will be buried in 
eternal oblivion.^ and even the natnes and achievements of 
JVouter Van "Twiller^ IVilliafn Kieft^ and Peter Stuyves- 
ant^ be enveloped in doubt and JiSiion^ like those of Romulus 
and Remus, of Charlemagne, King Arthur, Rinaldo, and 
Godfrey of Bologne. 

Determined, therefore, to avert if possible this threatened 
misfortune, I industriously set tnyself to work to gather 
together all the frag?nents of our infant history which still 



' Beloe's Herodotus. 



[ XXV ] 



Co tl)e public 



existed^ andy like 7ny reverend prototype^ Herodotus^ where 
no written records could be found^ I have endeavored to con- 
tinue the chain of history by well-authenticated traditions. 
In this arduous undertakings which has been the whole busi- 
ness of a long and solitary life^ it is incredible the nu7nber 
of learned authors I have consulted^ a?td all but to little 
purpose. Strange as it may seem, though such ?nultitudes 
of excellent works have been written about this country., there 
are none extant which gave any full and satisfaSiory account 
of the early history of New York., or of its three first Dutch 
governors. I have , however, gai?ted much valuable and curi- 
ous matter fro?n an elaborate manuscript written in exceed- 
ing pure and classic Low Dutch, exceptifig a few errors in 
orthography, which was found in the archives of theStuyve- 
sant family. Ma?jy legends, letters, and other documents 
have I likewise gleaned in fny researches among the family 
chests and lumber-garrets of our respeElable Dutch citizens ; 
a7id I have gathered a host of well-authenticated traditions 
from divers excellent old ladies of my acquaintance, who re- 
quested that their 7tames might not be mentioned. Nor must 
I negleSl to ack?iowledge how greatly I have bee?i assisted by 
that admirable a?id praiseworthy institutio?!, the New York 
Historical Society, to which I here publicly return my sin- 
cere acknowledgments. 

In the coftduB of this inestimable work I have adopted no 
individual model ; but, on the contrary, have simply con- 
te?tted myself with cofnbining and concentrating the excel- 
lences of the most approved ancient historians. Like Xeno- 
phon, I have maintained the utmost impartiality and the 
striElest adhierence to truth throughout my history. I have 
enriched it, after tlie manner of Sallust, with various 
charaSiers of ancie7it worthies, drawn at full length and 
faithfully colored. I have seasoned it with profound politi- 

[ xxvi ] 



Co t})e ^^ubltt 



cal speculations^ like Thucydicles; sweet e?ied it with the graces 
of sentifnent^ like Tacitus^ a7id infused into the whole the 
dignity^ the grandeur^ and magnificence of L ivy, 
I am aware that I shall i?icur the censure of numerous very 
learned and judicious critics for indulging too frequently 
in the bold excursive 7na?2ner of my favorite^ Herodotus. 
And^ to be candid^ I have found it i?npossible always to re- 
sist the allureme7its of those pleasing episodes which^ like 
fiowefy batiks and fragrant bowers^ beset the dusty road of 
the historian and entice hitn to tur?t aside and refresh hi?n- 
selffroni his wayfaring. But I trust it will be found that 
I have always resutned j?ty staff and addressed tnyself to 
my weary journey with re?iovated spirits^ so that both fny 
readers and iny self have been benefited by the relaxation. 
Indeed^ though it has been niy co?istant wish and uniforjn 
endeavor to rival Polybius himself i?i observing the requi- 
site unity of history ^ yet the loose a?id u?ico?ine&ed jnantier 
in which tnany of the faSls herein recorded have come to 
hand rendered such an attempt extremely difficult. This 
difficulty was likewise increased by one of the gra?2d objeSls 
contejnplated in my work^ which was to trace the rise of 
sundry customs and institutions in this best of cities^ a7id to 
co?npare them^ whe?t in the germ ofi?fancy^ with what they 
are in the present old age of knowledge and improvement. 
But the chief fnerit o?i which I value myself and found 
my hopes for future regard^ is that faithful veracity with 
which I have compiled this invaluable little work^ carefully 
winnowing away the chaff of hypothesis aiid discarding the 
tares of fable ^ which are too apt to spring up and choke 
the seeds of truth a?id wholesome knowledge. Had I been 
anxious to captivate the superficial throng who skim like 
swallows over the surface of literature^ or had I been anx- 
ious to comme?td my writings to the pampered palates of 

[ xxvii ] 



Co r{)e ^ubltt 



literary epicures^ I might have availed myself of the ob- 
scurity that overshadows the infa?tt years of our city to 
introduce a thousand pleasing fiSiions. But I have scrupu- 
lously discarded many a pithy tale and ?narvellous adven- 
ture^ whereby the drowsy ear of summer indolence might 
be enthralled — jealously maintaining that fidelity^ gravity, 
and dignity which should ever distinguish the historian. 
*■'- For a writer of this class,''' observes an elegant critic, 
'■^ must sustain the charaSier of a wise tnan writing for the 
iitstruSiion of posterity ; one who has studied to inform hijn- 
self well, who has pondered his subjeSl with care, and ad- 
dresses himself to our judgment rather t/ian to our im- 
agination." 

Thrice happy, therefore, is this our renowned city in having 
incidents worthy of swelling the theme of history ; and doubly 
thrice happy is it in having such an historian as tnyself to 
relate them. For, after all, gentle reader, cities of themselves, 
and infaB etnpires of themselves, are nothing without an 
Iiistorian. It is the patient narrator who records their pros- 
perity as they rise, whio blazons forth the splendor of their 
noontide meridian, who props t/ieir feeble me?norials as they 
totter to decay, who gathers together their scattered frag- 
ments as they rot, and who piously, at length, colleSis their 
ashes into the mausoleum of his work and rears a monument 
that will transmit their renown to all succeeding ages. 
IF hat has been the fate of tn any fair cities of antiquity, 
whose nameless ruins encumber the plains of Europe and 
Asia, and awaken the fruitless inquiry of the traveller f 
They have sunk into dust and silence; they have perished 
from retnembrance for want of an Iiistorian! Thie philan- 
thropist may weep over their desolation, the poet may wan- 
der among their mouldering arches and broken columns, and 
indulge t/ie visionary flights of his fancy, — but, alas I alas! 

[ xxviii ] 



Co t\)t public 



t/ie fnodern historia?t^ whose pen^ like my own^ is doomed to 
confine itself to dull 7natter-of-fa£l^ seeks in vain afnong 
their oblivious remains for so?ne tne?norial that they may 
tell the instru&ive tale of their glory and their ruin. 
'•^ IF'arSy conflagrations^ deluges j''' says Aristotle^ ^^ destroy 
nations^ and with them all their monufnents^ their discov- 
eries ^ and their vanities. The torch of science has fnore than 
once been extinguished and rekindled ; a few individuals^ 
who have escaped by accident ., reunite the thread of gen e- 
rations." 

The same sad misfortune which has happened to so jnany 
ancient cities will happen again^ and from the same sad 
cause^ to nine-tenths of those which now flourish on the face 
of the globe. With most of the?n the time for recording their 
early history is gone by ; their origin^ their foundation, to- 
gether with the eventful period of their youth, are forever 
buried in the rubbish of years, — and the same would have 
been the case with this fair portion of the earth if I had not 
snatched it from obscurity in the very nick of tifne, at the 
moment that those matters Iierein recordedwere about enter- 
ing into the wide-spread, insatiable ?naw of oblivion, — if I 
had not dragged them out, as it were, by the very locks, just 
as the monster s adamantine fangs were closing upon them 
forever! And here have I, as before observed, carefully col- 
leSled, collated, and arranged them, scrip and scrap, " punt 
en punt, gat en gat," and com?nenced in this little work a his- 
tory, to serve as a foundation on which other historians may 
hereafter raise a noble superstruEiure, swelling in process 
of time until Knickerbocker's New York tnay be equally 
voluminous with Gibbon's Rome or Hume and Smollett's 
England ! 

And now indulge me for a moment, while I lay down my 
pen, skip to some little eminence at the distance of two or 

[ xxix ] 



Co t|)e public 



three hundred years ahead^ and^ casting back a bird's-eye 
glance over the waste of years that is to roll between^ dis- 
cover myself — little I — at this moment the progenitor^pro- 
totype^ and precursor of them all^ posted at the head of this 
host of literary worthies^ with my book under my arm and 
New York on tny back, pressing forward, like a gallant com- 
mander, to honor and immortality. 

Such are the vainglorious imaginings that will now and then 
enter into the brain of the author, — that irradiate, as with 
celestial light, his solitary chamber, cheering his weary spir- 
its and animating him to persevere in his labors. And I 
have freely given utterance to these rhapsodies whenever 
they have occurred ; ?tot, I trust, from an unusual spirit 
of egotism, but merely that the reader may for once have 
an idea how an author thinks and feels while he is writ- 
ing — a kind of knowledge very rare and curious, and much 
to be desired. 






K<Se Oj^ r^ iOj^ f^ Wi 






il^OtlCC0 which appeared in 

the Newspapers previous to the Publi- 
cation of This Work. 

From the Evening Post of October 26, 1809. 
DISTRESSING. 

LEFT his lodgings, some time since, and 
has not since been heard of, a small el- 
derly gentleman, dressed in an old black 
coat and cocked hat, by the name of Knicker- 
bocker. As there are some reasons for believing 
he is not entirely in his right mind, and as great 
anxiety is entertained about him, any informa- 
tion concerning him left either at the Colum- 
bian Hotel, Mulberry Street, or at the office of 
this paper, will be thankfully received. 
P. S. Printers of newspapers would be aiding 
the cause of humanity in giving an insertion to 
the above. 

From the Same, November 6, 1809. 

To the Editor of the Evening Post : 
Sir, — 

HAVING read in your paper of the 26th 
of Oftober last, a paragraph respefting an 
old gentleman by the name of Knicker- 
bocker, who was missing from his lodgings ; if it 
would be any relief to his friends, or furnish 
them with any clue to discover where he is, you 
may inform them that a person answering the 
description given, was seen by the passengers of 
the Albany stage, early in the morning, about 
four or five weeks since, resting himself by the 
side of the road, a little above King's Bridge. 
He had in his hand a small bundle, tied in a red 
bandanna handkerchief; he appeared to be tra- 
velling northward, and was very much fatigued 
and exhausted. 

A TRAVELLER. 



From the Same, November 16, 1809. 

To the Editor of the Evening Post: 
Sir, — 

YOU have been good enough to publish in 
your paper a paragraph about Mr. Died- 
rich Knickerbocker, who was missing so 
strangely some time since. Nothing satisfaftory 
has been heard of the old gentleman since ; but 
a very curious kind of a tvritten book has been 
found in his room, in his own handwriting. Now 
I wish you to notice him, if he is still alive, that 
if he does not return and pay off his bill for 



boarding and lodging, I shall have to dispose of 
his book to satisfy me for the same. 
I am, sir, your humble servant, 

SETH HANDASIDE, 

Landlord of the Independent Co- 
lumbian Hotel, Mulberry Street. 

From the Same, November 28, 1809. 

LITERARY NOTICE. 

Inskeep & Bradford have in press, and will 
shortly publish, 

A HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 

In two volumes, duodecimo. Price Three Dol- 
lars. 

CONTAINING an account of its discov- 
ery and settlement, with its internal pol- 
icies, manners, customs, wars, etc., etc., 
under the Dutch government, furnishing many 
curious and interesting particulars never before 
published, and which are gathered from various 
manuscript and other authenticated sources, the 
whole being interspersed with philosophical 
speculations and moral precepts. 
This work was found in the chamber of Mr. 
Diedrich Knickerbocker, the old gentleman 
whose sudden and mysterious disappearance has 
been noticed. It is published in order to dis- 
charge certain debts he has left behind. 

From The American Citizen, December6, i 809. 

IS THIS DAY PUBLISHED 

By Inskeep & Bradford, No. 128 Broadway, 

A HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 

In two volumes, duodecimo. Price Three Dol- 
lars. 

CONTAINING an account of its discov- 
ery and settlement, with its internal pol- 
icies, manners, customs, wars, etc., etc., 
under the Dutch government, furnishing many 
curious and interesting particulars never before 
published, and which are gathered from various 
manuscript and other authenticated sources, the 
whole being interspersed with philosophical 
speculations and moral precepts. 
This work was found in the chamber of Mr. 
Diedrich Knickerbocker, the old gentleman 
whose sudden and mysterious disappearance has 
been noticed. It is published in order to dis- 
charge certain debts he has left behind. 



[ xxxi ] 



BOOK I 

Containing 

Divers Ingenious Theories & Philosophic Speculations 

Concerning the Creation and Population of 

as Conneded with the History of 
New York 



A HISTORY OF 

NEW YORK 

93 & t 



Chapter i 



Description of the World 

^CCORDING to the best authorities, the world in which we 
/^k dwell is a huge, opaque, reflefting, inanimate mass float- 
/ ^ k ing in the vast ethereal ocean of infinite space. It has the 
^ j^. form of an orange, being an oblate spheroid, curiously flat- 
tened at opposite parts for the insertion of two imaginary 
poles which are supposed to penetrate and unite at the centre, thus 
forming an axis on which the mighty orange turns with a regular 
diurnal revolution. 

The transitions of light and darkness, whence proceed the alternations 
of day and night, are produced by this diurnal revolution successively 
presenting the different parts of the earth to the rays of the sun. The 
latter is, according to the best (that is to say, the latest) accounts, a lu- 
minous or fiery body of a prodigious magnitude, from which this world 
is driven by a centrifugal or repelling power, and to which it is drawn 
by a centripetal or attraftive force, otherwise called the attra<5l:ion of 
gravitation — the combination, or rather the counteraftion, of these two 
opposing impulses producing a circular and annual revolution. Hence 

[ I ] 



A History of [Bk. i 

result the different seasons of the year, viz.. Spring, Summer, Autumn, 
and Winter. 

This I believe to be the most approved modern theory on the subjeft, 
though there be many philosophers who have entertained very diii^erent 
opinions, — some, too, of them entitled to much deference, from their 
wreat antiquity and illustrious character. Thus it was advanced by some 
of the ancient sages, that the earth was an extended plain supported by 
vast pillars, and by others that it rested on the head of a snake, or the 
back of a huge tortoise ; but, as they did not provide a resting-place for 
either the pillars or the tortoise, the whole theory fell to the ground for 
want of proper foundation. 

The Brahmins assert that the heavens rest upon the earth, and the sun 
and moon swim therein like fishes in the water, moving from east to 
west by day and gliding along the edge of the horizon to their original 
stations during night ; * while, according to the Panranicas of India^ it 
is a vast plain encircled by seven oceans of milk, neftar, and other deli- 
cious liquids ; that it is studded with seven mountains, and ornamented 
in the centre by a mountainous rock of burnished gold ; and that a great 
dragon occasionally swallows up the moon, which accounts for the phe- 
nomena of lunar eclipses.-^" 

Besides these and many other equally sage opinions, we have the pro- 
found conjectures of Aboul-Hassan-Aly, son of Al Khan, son of Aly, 
son of Abderrahman, son of Abdullah, son of Masoud-el-Hadheli who is 
commonly called Masoudi, and surnamed Cothbiddln, but who takes the 
humble title of Laheb-ar-rasoul, which means the companion of the am- 
bassador of God. He has written a universal history, entitled '■'■ Mouroudge- 
ed-dharab, or the Golden Meadows, and the Mines of Precious Stones." % In 
this valuable work he has related the history of the world from the crea- 
tion down to the moment of writing, which was under the Khaliphat of 
Mothi Billah, in the month Dgioumadi-el-aoual oi the 336th year of the 
Hegira or Flight of the Prophet. He informs us that the earth is a huge 
bird, Mecca and Medina constituting the head, Persia and India the right 
wing, the land of Gog the left wing, and Africa the tail. He informs us, 
moreover, that an earth has existed before the present (which he con- 
siders as a mere chicken of 7000 years), that it has undergone divers del- 
uges, and that, according to the opinion of some well-informed Brahmins 
of his acquaintance, it will be renovated every seventy thousandth haza- 
rouam, each hazarouam consisting of i 2,000 years. 

• Faria y Souzd. Mick. Lus. note b. 7. 
t Sir IV. Jones, Diss. Antiq. Ind. Zod. 
t MSS. Bibliot. Roi Fr. 

[ 2 ] 



Ch. i] N E W Y O R K S^C. 

These are a few of the many contradiftory opinions of philosophers con- 
cerning the earth, and we find that the learned have had equal perplexity 
as to the nature of the sun. Some of the ancient philosophers have af- 
firmed that it is a vast wheel of brilliant fire ;* others, that it is merely 
a mirror or sphere of transparent crystal ; -f- and a third class, at the head 
of whom stands Anaxagoras, maintained that it was nothing but a huge 
ignited mass of iron or stone, — indeed, he declared the heavens to be 
merely a vault of stone, and that the stars were stones whirled upward 
from the earth and set on fire by the velocity of its revolutions. % But I 
give little attention to the dod:rines of this philosopher, the people of 
Athens having fully refuted them by banishing him from their city — a 
concise mode of answering unwelcome doftrines, much resorted to in 
former days. Another se6t of philosophers do declare that certain fiery 
particles exhale constantly from the earth, which, concentrating in a sin- 
gle point of the firmament by day, constitute the sun, but being scattered 
and rambling about in the dark at night, colleft in various points and 
form stars. These are regularly burnt out and extinguished, not unlike 
to the lamps in our streets, and require a fresh supply of exhalations for 
the next occasion. § 

It is even recorded that at certain remote and obscure periods, in con- 
sequence of a great scarcity of fuel, the sun has been completely burnt 
out and sometimes not rekindled for a month at a time, — a most mel- 
ancholy circumstance, the very idea of which gave vast concern to Her- 
aclitus, that worthy weeping philosopher of antiquity. In addition to 
these various speculations, it was the opinion of Herschel that the sun is 
a magnificent, habitable abode, the light it furnishes arising from cer- 
tain empyreal, luminous or phosphoric clouds swimming in its transpar- 
ent atmosphere. || 

But we will not enter farther at present into the nature of the sun, that 
being an inquiry not immediately necessary to the development of this 
history ; neither will we embroil ourselves in any more of the endless 
disputes of philosophers touching the form of this globe, but content 
ourselves with the theory advanced in the beginning of this chapter, 
and will proceed to illustrate, by experiment, the complexity of motion 
therein ascribed to this our rotatory planet. 

• Plutarch de placitis Philosoph. lib. ii. cap. 20. 

\ Ac hill. Tat. isag. cap. 19. Ap. Petav. t. iii. p. 81. Stob. Eclog. Phys. lib. i. p. 56. Plut. de Plac.Phi. 

X Diogenes Laertius in Anaxag. 1. ii. sec. 8. Plat. Apol. t. i. p. 26. Plut. de Plac. Philo. Xenoph. 

Mem. 1. iv. p. 815. 

§ Aristot. Meteor. 1. ii. c. 2. Idem. Probl. sec. 15, 8tob. Eel. Phys. 1. i. p. 55. Bruck. Hist. Phil. t. 

i. p. 1 1 54, etc. 

II Philos. Trans. 1795, p. 72. Idem. 1801, p. 265. l^ich. Philos. Journ. I. p. 13. 

[ 3 ] 



A History of [Bk. i 

Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead, as the name may be rendered 
into English) was long celebrated in the university oi Ley den for profound 
gravity of deportment and a talent at going to sleep in the midst of ex- 
aminations, to the infinite relief of his hopeful students, who thereby 
worked their way through college with great ease and little study. In 
the course of one of his ledlures, the learned professor, seizing a bucket 
of water, swung it around his head at arm's length ; the impulse with 
which he threw the vessel from him being a centrifugal force, the reten- 
tion of his arm operating as a centripetal power, and the bucket, which 
was a substitute for the earth, describing a circular orbit round about 
the globular head and ruby visage of Professor Von Poddingcoft, which 
formed no bad representation of the sun. All of these particulars were 
duly explained to the class of gaping students around him. He apprised 
them, moreover, that the same principle of gravitation which retained 
the water in the bucket restrains the ocean from flying from the earth 
in its rapid revolutions ; and he farther informed them that should the 
motion of the earth be suddenly checked, it would incontinently fall 
into the sun through the centripetal force of gravitation, — a most ruin- 
ous event to this planet, and one which would also obscure, though it 
most probably would not extinguish, the solar luminary. An unlucky 
stripling, one of those vagrant geniuses who seem sent into the world 
merely to annoy worthy men of the puddinghead order, desirous of as- 
certaining the corre6lness of the experiment, suddenly arrested the arm 
of the professor just at the moment that the bucket was in its zenith, 
which immediately descended with astonishing precision upon the phil- 
osophic head of the instru6tor of youth. A hollow sound and a red-hot 
hiss attended the contaft ; but the theory was in the amplest manner il- 
lustrated, for the unfortunate bucket perished in the confli6t ; but the 
blazing countenance of Professor Von Poddingcoft emerged from amidst 
the waters glowing fiercer than ever with unutterable indignation, 
whereby the students were marvellously edified and departed consider- 
ably wiser than before. 

It is a mortifying circumstance, which greatly perplexes many a pains- 
taking philosopher, that nature often refuses to second his most profound 
and elaborate efforts ; so that after having invented one of the most in- 
genious and natural theories imaginable, she will have the perverseness 
to adt direftly in the teeth of his system and flatly contradi6t his most 
favorite positions. This is a manifest and unmerited grievance, since it 
throws the censure of the vulgar and unlearned entirely upon the phil- 
osopher, whereas the fault is not to be ascribed to his theory, which is 
unquestionably correct, but to the waywardness of Dame Nature, who, 

[ 4] 



Ch. i] N E W Y O R K c^r. 

with the proverbial fickleness of her sex, is continually indulging in 
coquetries and caprices, and seems really to take pleasure in violating 
all philosophic rules and jilting the most learned and indefatigable of 
her adorers. Thus it happened w^ith resped: to the foregoing satisfactory 
explanation of the motion of our planet ; it appears that the centrifugal 
force has long since ceased to operate, while its antagonist remains in 
undiminished potency ; the world, therefore, according to the theory as 
it originally stood, ought in strift propriety to tumble into the sun ; phil- 
osophers were convinced that it would do so, and awaited in anxious 
impatience the fulfilment of their prognostics. But the untoward planet 
pertinaciously continued her course, notwithstanding that she had rea- 
son, philosophy, and a whole university of learned professors opposed to 
her conduft. The philosophers took this in very ill part, and it is thought 
they would never have pardoned the slight and affront which they con- 
ceived put upon them by the world, had not a good-natured professor 
kindly ofHciated as a mediator between the parties and effected a recon- 
ciliation. 

Finding the world would not accommodate itself to the theory, he wisely 
determined to accommodate the theory to the world ; he therefore in- 
formed his brother philosophers, that the circular motion of the earth 
round the sun was no sooner engendered by the confiifting impulses 
above described than it became a regular revolution, independent of the 
causes which gave it origin. His learned brethren readily joined in the 
opinion, being heartily glad of any explanation that would decently ex- 
tricate them from their embarrassment ; and ever since that memorable 
era the world has been left to take her own course and to revolve around 
the sun in such orbit as she thinks proper. 



Ch 

[ 5 ] 



Chapter ii 



COSMOGONY, OR Creation of the World ; with a Mul- 
titude of Excellent Theories by ivhich the Creation of a World is shown to be 
no such Difficult Matter as Common Folk would imagine. 

HAVING thus briefly introduced my reader to the world 
and given him some idea of its form and situation, he will 
naturally be curious to know from whence it came and 
how it was created. And, indeed, the clearing up of these 
points is absolutely essential to my history, inasmuch as if 
this world had not been formed, it is more than probable that this re- 
nowned island, on which is situated the city of New York, would never 
have had an existence. The regular course of my history, therefore, re- 
quires that I should procee4 to notice the cosmogony, or formation, of 
this our globe. 

And now I give my readers fair warning that I am about to plunge, for 
a chapter or two, into as complete a labyrinth as ever historian was per- 
plexed withal ; therefore, I advise them to take fast hold of my skirts 
and keep close at my heels, venturing neither to the right hand nor to 
the left, lest they get bemired in a slough of unintelligible learning, or 
have their brains knocked out by some of those hard Greek names which 
will be flying about in all directions. But should any of them be too in- 
dolent or chicken-hearted to accompany me in this perilous undertak- 
ing, they had better take a short cut round, and wait for me at the be- 
ginning of some smoother chapter. 

Of the creation of the world, we have a thousand contradictory accounts ; 
and though, a very satisfactory one is furnished us by divine revelation, 
yet every philosopher feels himself in honor bound to furnish us with a 
better. As an impartial historian, I consider it my duty to notice their 
several theories, by which mankind have been so exceedingly edified 
and instructed. 

Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, that the earth and the 
whole system of the universe was the Deity himself* — a do6trine most 
strenuously maintained by Zenophanes and the whole tribe of Eleatics, as 

'Aristot. ap. Cic. lib. i. cap. 3. 

[ 6 ] 



Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

also by Strabo and the sed of peripatetic philosophers. Pythagoras likewise 
inculcated the famous numerical system of the monad, dyad, and triad, and 
by means of his sacred quaternary elucidated the formation of the world, 
the arcana of nature, and the principles both of music and morals.* Other 
sages adhered to the mathematical system of squares and triangles ; the 
cube, the pyramid, and the sphere ; the tetrahedron, the oftahedron, the 
icosahedron, and the dodecahedron ;-j- while others advocated the great 
elementary theory which refers the construftion of our globe and all 
that it contains to the combinations of four material elements, — air, earth, 
fire, and water, — with the assistance of a fifth, an immaterial and vivify- 
ing principle. 

Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic system taught by old 
Moschus before the siege of Troy, revived by Democrkus of laughing 
memory, improved by Epicurus, that king of good fellows, and modern- 
ized by the fanciful Descartes. But I decline inquiring whether the 
atoms of which the earth is said to be composed are eternal or recent ; 
whether they are animate or inanimate ; whether, agreeably to the opin- 
ion of the atheists, they were fortuitously aggregated, or, as the theists 
maintain, were arranged by a supreme intelligence .|. ; — whether, in faft, 
the earth be an insensate clod, or whether it be animated by a soul§ — 
which opinion was strenuously maintained by a host of philosophers, 
at the head of whom stands the great Plato, that temperate sage, who 
threw the cold water of philosophy on the form of sexual intercourse 
and inculcated the doftrine oi Platonic love, — an exquisitely refined in- 
tercourse, but much better adapted to the ideal inhabitants of his im- 
aginary island of Atlantis than to the sturdy race composed of rebellious 
flesh and blood which populates the little matter-of-faft island we in- 
habit. 

Besides these systems, we have, moreover, the poetical theogony of old 
Hesiod, who generated the whole universe in the regular mode of pro- 
creation, and the plausible opinion of others, that the earth was hatched 
from the great ^^g of night, which floated in chaos and was cracked by 
the horns of the celestial bull. To illustrate this last doftrine, Burnet, in 
his theory of the earth, || has favored us with an accurate drawing and 

• Aristot. Metaph. lib. i. c. 5. Idem, de Coelo. 1. iii. c. I. Rousseuu Mem. sur Musique ancien. p. 39. 

Plutarch de Plac. Philos. lib. i. c. 3. 

t Tim. Locr. ap. Plato, t. iii. p. 90. 

X Aristot. Nat. Auscult. 1. ii. cap. 6. Aristoph. Metaph. lib. i. cap. 3. Cic. de Nat. Deor. lib. i. cap. 

10. Justin Mart. prat, ad gent. p. 20. 

§ Mosheim in Cudvv. lib. i. cap. 4. Tim. de anim. mund. sp. Plat. lib. iii. Mem. de I'Acad. des 

Belles-Lettr. t. xxxii. p. 19, et al. 

II Book i. ch. 5. 

[7 ] 



A History of [Bk. i 

description both of the form and texture of this mundane ^"g^-, which 
is found to bear a marvellous resemblance to that of a goose. Such of 
my readers as take a proper interest in the origin of this our planet will 
be pleased to learn that the most profound sages of antiquity among the 
Egyptians, Chaldeans, Persians, Greeks, and Latins have alternately assisted 
at the hatching of this strange bird, and that their cacklings have been 
caught and continued, in different tones and inflections, from philoso- 
pher to philosopher unto the present day. 

But while briefly noticing long celebrated systems of ancient sages, let 
me not pass over with negletl those of other philosophers, which, though 
less universal and renowned, have equal claims to attention and equal 
chance for corredlness. Thus, it is recorded by the Brahmins, in the pages 
of their m^TpircdShastah, that the angel Bistnoo, transforming himself into 
a great boar, plunged into the watery abyss and brought up the earth 
on his tusks. Then issued from him a mighty tortoise and a mighty 
snake, and Bistnoo placed the snake ere6t upon the back of the tortoise, 
and he placed the earth upon the head of the snake.* 
The negro philosophers of Congo affirm that the world was made by the 
hands of angels, excepting their own country, which the Supreme Being 
constructed himself that it might be supremely excellent. And he took 
great pains with the inhabitants, and made them very black and beauti- 
ful ; and when he had finished the first man, he was well pleased with 
him, and smoothed him over the face, and hence his nose, and the nose 
of all his descendants, became flat. 

The Mohawk philosophers tell us that a pregnant woman fell down from 
heaven, and that a tortoise took her upon its back, because every place 
was covered with water ; and that the woman, sitting upon the tortoise, 
paddled with her hands in the water and raked up the earth, whence 
it finally happened that the earth became higher than the water. f- 
But I forbear to quote a number more of these ancient and outlandish 
philosophers, whose deplorable ignorance, in despite of all their erudi- 
tion, compelled them to write in languages which but few of my readers 
can understand ; and I shall proceed briefly to notice a few more intelli- 
gible and fashionable theories of their modern successors. 
And, first, I shall mention the great Buffon, who conje6tures that this 
globe was originally a globe of liquid fire, scintillated from the body of 
the sun by the percussion of a comet, as a spark is generated by the col- 
lision of flint and steel ; that at first it was surrounded by gross vapors, 

* Holwell. Gent. Philosophy. 

t "Johannes Megapolensis, Jun. Account of Maquaas or Mohawk Indians. 

[ 8 ] 



Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K ©^r. 

which, cooling and condensing in process of time, constituted, accord- 
ing to their densities, earth, water, and air, which gradually arranged 
themselves, according to their respe6tive gravities, round the burning or 
vitrified mass that formed their centre. 

Huttori, on the contrary, supposes that the waters at first were universally 
paramount ; and he terrifies himself with the idea that the earth must 
be eventually washed away by the force of rain, rivers, and mountain 
torrents, until it is confounded with the ocean, or, in other words, abso- 
lutely dissolves into itself. Sublime idea ! far surpassing that of the ten- 
der-hearted damsel of antiquity who wept herself into a fountain ; or 
the good dame of Narbonne in France who, for a volubility of tongue 
unusual in her sex, was doomed to peel five hundred thousand and thirty- 
nine ropes of onions, and actually run out at her eyes before half the hide- 
ous task was accomplished. 

Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who rivalled Ditton in his 
researches after the longitude (for which the mischief-loving Swift 
discharged on their heads a most savory stanza), has distinguished 
himself by a very admirable theory respecting the earth. He conjeftures 
that it was originally a chaotic cornet^ which, being selefted for the 
abode of man, was removed from its eccentric orbit and whirled round 
the sun in its present regular motion, by which change of direftion 
order succeeded to confusion in the arrangement of its component 
parts. The philosopher adds that the deluge was produced by an uncour- 
teous salute from the watery tail of another comet — doubtless through 
sheer envy of its improved condition, thus furnishing a melancholy proof 
that jealousy may prevail even among the heavenly bodies, and discord 
interrupt that celestial harmony of the spheres so melodiously sung by 
the poets. 

But I pass over a variety of excellent theories, among which are those 
of Burnet, and Woodward, and Whitehurst, regretting extremely that my 
time will not suffer me to give them the notice they deserve, and shall 
conclude with that of the renowned Dr. Darwin. This learned Theban^ 
who is as much distinguished for rhyme as reason, and for good-natured 
credulity as serious research, and who has recommended himself won- 
derfully to the good graces of the ladies, by letting them into all the gal- 
lantries, amours, debaucheries, and other topics of scandal of the court 
of Flora, has fallen upon a theory worthy of his combustible imagina- 
tion. According to his opinion, the huge mass of chaos took a sudden 
occasion to explode, like a barrel of gunpowder, and in that a6l exploded 
the sun, which in its flight, by a similar convulsion, exploded the earth, 
which in like guise exploded the moon, — and thus, by a concatenation 

[ 9 ] 



A History of [Bk. i 

of explosions, the whole solar system was produced and set most syste- 
matically in motion !* 

By the great variety of theories here alluded to, every one of which, 
if thoroughly examined, will be found surprisingly consistent in all its 
parts, my unlearned readers will perhaps be led to conclude that the 
creation of a world is not so difficult a task as they at first imagined. I 
have shown at least a score of ingenious methods in which a world could 
be construcfted, and I have no doubt that, had any of the philosophers 
above quoted the use of a good manageable comet and the philosophi- 
cal warehouse chaos at his command, he would engage to manufacture 
a planet as good, or, if you would take his word for it, better than this 
we inhabit. 

And here I cannot help noticing the kindness of Providence in creating 
comets for the great relief of bewildered philosophers. By their assistance 
more sudden evolutions and transitions are effefted in the system of 
nature than are wrought in a pantomimic exhibition by the wonder- 
working sword of Harlequin. Should one of our modern sages, in his 
theoretical flights among the stars, ever find himself lost in the clouds, 
and in danger of tumbling into the abyss of nonsense and absurdity, he 
has but to seize a comet by the beard, mount astride of his tail, and 
away he gallops in triumph, like an enchanter on his hyppogriff, or a 
ConneSticut witch on her broomstick " to sweep the cobwebs out of the 
sky." 

It is an old and vulgar saying about a "beggar on horseback," which I 
would not for the world have applied to these reverend philosophers ; 
but I must confess that some of them, when they are mounted on one 
of those fiery steeds, are as wild in their curvetings as was Phaeton of 
yore when he aspired to manage the chariot of Phoebus. One drives his 
comet at full speed against the sun, and knocks the world out of him 
with the mighty concussion ; another, more moderate, makes his comet 
a kind of beast of burden, carrying the sun a regular supply of food and 
fagots ; a third, of more combustible disposition, threatens to throw his 
comet, like a bomb-shell, into the world, and blow it up like a powder- 
magazine ; while a fourth, with no great delicacy to his planet and its 
inhabitants, insinuates that some day or other his comet — my modest 
pen blushes while I write it — shall absolutely turn tail upon our world, 
and deluge it with water ! Surely, as I have already observed, comets 
were bountifully provided by Providence for the benefit of philosophers, 
to assist them in manufacturing theories. 

* Darui. Bot. Garden, Part I. Cant. i. 1. 105. 

[ 1° ] 



Ch.ii] New York ^c. 

And now, having adduced several of the most prominent theories that 
occur to my recolleftion, I leave my judicious readers at full liberty to 
choose among them. They are all serious speculations of learned men, 
all differ essentially from each other, and all have the same title to 
belief It has ever been the task of one race of philosophers to demolish 
the works of their predecessors and elevate more splendid fantasies in 
their stead, which in their turn are demolished and replaced by the air- 
castles of a succeeding generation. Thus it would seem that knowledge 
and genius, of which we make such great parade, consist but in detect- 
ing the errors and absurdities of those who have gone before and devis- 
ing new errors and absurdities, to be detected by those who are to come 
after us. Theories are the mighty soap-bubbles with which the grown-up 
children of science amuse themselves, while the honest vulgar stand 
gazing in stupid admiration, and dignify these learned vagaries with the 
name of wisdom ! Surely, Socrates was right in his opinion that philoso- 
phers are but a soberer sort of madmen, busying themselves in things 
totally incomprehensible, or which, if they could be comprehended, 
would be found not worthy the trouble of discovery. 
For my own part, until the learned have come to an agreement among 
themselves, I shall content myself with the account handed down to us 
by Moses ; in which I do but follow the example of our ingenious neigh- 
bors of ConneSlicut, who, at their first settlement, proclaimed that the 
colony should be governed by the laws of God — until they had time 
to make better ! 

One thing, however, appears certain, — from the unanimous authority 
of the before-quoted philosophers, supported by the evidence of our 
own senses (which, though very apt to deceive us, may be cautiously 
admitted as additional testimony), — it appears, I say, and I make the 
assertion deliberately, without fear of contradiftion, that this globe 
really was created^ and that it is composed of land and water. It farther 
appears that it is curiously divided and parcelled out into continents 
and islands, among which I boldly declare the renowned Island of 
New York will be found by any one who seeks for it in its proper 
place. 



Ch 

[ II ] 



Chapter iii 



HOW that famous !}{avigator^ Noah, was sha^nefully 
nicknamed, and how he committed an unpardonable Oversight in not having 
four Sons ; with the great trouble of '^Philosophers caused thereby, and the 
"Discovery o/' America. 

N^ OAH, who is the first seafaring man we read of, begat three 
sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. Authors, it is true, are not 
wanting who affirm that the patriarch had a number of 
other children. Thus, Berosus, makes him father of the gi- 
gantic Titans; Methodius gives him a son called Jonithus, or 
Jonicus; and others have mentioned a son, named Thuiscon, from whom 
descended the Teutons or Teutonic, or, in other words, the Dutch nation. 
I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan will not permit me to 
gratify the laudable curiosity of my readers, by investigating minutely 
the history of the great Noah. Indeed, such an undertaking would be 
attended with more trouble than many people would imagine, for the 
good old patriarch seems to have been a great traveller in his day, and 
to have passed under a different name in every country that he visited. 
The Chaldeans, for instance, give us his story, merely altering his name 
into Xisuthrus — a trivial alteration which, to an historian skilled in 
etymologies, will appear wholly unimportant. It appears, likewise, that 
he had exchanged his tarpaulin and quadrant among the Chaldeans for 
the gorgeous insignia of royalty, and appears as a monarch in their an- 
nals. The Egyptians celebrate him under the name of Osiris; the Indians 
as Menu ; the Greek and Roman writers confound him with Ogyges, and 
the Theban with Deucalion and Saturn. But the Chinese, who deservedly 
rank among the most extensive and authentic historians, inasmuch as 
they have known the world much longer than any one else, declare that 
Noah was no other than Fohi; and what gives this assertion some air of 
credibility is, that it is a fad:, admitted by the most enlightened literati, 
that Noah travelled into China at the time of the building of the tower 
of Babel (probably to improve himself in the study of languages), and 
the learned Dr. Shackford gives us the additional information that the 
ark rested on a mountain on the frontiers of China. 
From this mass of rational conjectures and sage hypotheses, many sat- 
isfactory deductions might be drawn ; but I shall content myself with 

[ 12 ] 



Ch.iii] New York ^c. 

the simple fact stated in the Bibk\ viz., that Noah begat three sons, 
Shem^ Ham, and Japhet. It is astonishing on what remote and obscure 
contingencies the great affairs of this world depend, and how events the 
most distant, and to the common observer unconnected, are inevitably 
consequent the one to the other. It remains to the philosopher to dis- 
cover these mysterious affinities, and it is the proudest triumph of his 
skill to detect and drag forth some latent chain of causation which at 
first sight appears a paradox to the inexperienced observer. Thus many 
of my readers will doubtless wonder what connexion the family oi Noah 
can possibly have with this history, and many will stare when informed 
that the whole history of this quarter of the world has taken its char- 
acfter and course from the simple circumstance of the patriarch's having 
but three sons. But to explain : 

Noah, we are told by sundry very credible historians, becoming sole 
surviving heir and proprietor of the earth, in fee-simple, after the del- 
uge, like a good father, portioned out his estate among his children. To 
Shem he gave Asia ; to Ham, Africa ; and to 'Japhet, 'Europe. Now, it is a 
thousand times to be lamented that he had but three sons, for had there 
been a fourth, he would doubtless have inherited America, which, of 
course, would have been dragged forth from its obscurity on the occa- 
sion, and thus many a hard-working historian and philosopher would 
have been spared a prodigious mass of weary conjecture respecting the 
first discovery and population of this country. Noah, however, having 
provided for his three sons, looked in all probability upon our country 
as a mere wild, unsettled land, and said nothing about it ; and to this 
unpardonable taciturnity of the patriarch may we ascribe the misfortune 
that America did not come into the world as early as the other quarters 
of the globe. 

It is true, some writers have vindicated him from this misconduft to- 
wards posterity, and asserted that he really did discover America. Thus 
it was the opinion of Mark Lescarbot, a French writer possessed of that 
ponderosity of thought and profoundness of reflection so peculiar to 
his nation, that the immediate descendants oi Noah peopled this quarter 
of the globe, and that the old patriarch himself, who still retained a pas- 
sion for the seafaring life, superintended the transmigration. The pious 
and enlightened father, Charlevoix, a French Jesuit remarkable for his 
aversion to the marvellous, common to all great travellers, is conclu- 
sively of the same opinion ; nay, he goes still farther, and decides upon 
the manner in which the discovery was effeCted, which was by sea, and 
under the immediate direction of the great Noah. " I have already ob- 
served," exclaims the good father, in a tone of becoming indignation, 

[ 13 ] 



A History of [Bk. i 

"that it is an arbitrary supposition that the grandchildren oi Noah were 
not able to penetrate into the New World, or that they never thought of 
it. In effeft, I can see no reason that can justify such a notion. Who can 
seriously believe that Noah and his immediate descendants knew less than 
we do, and that the builder and pilot of the greatest ship that ever was 
— a ship which was formed to traverse an unbounded ocean and had so 
many shoals and quicksands to guard against — should be ignorant of, 
or should not have communicated to his descendants, the art of sailing 
on the ocean.?" Therefore, they did sail on the ocean; therefore, they 
sailed to America ; therefore, America was discovered by Noah ! 
Now, all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which is so strikingly char- 
afteristic of the good father, being addressed to the faith rather than 
the understanding, is flatly opposed by Hans de Laet, who declares it a 
real and most ridiculous paradox to suppose that Noah ever entertained 
the thought of discovering America ; and as Hafis is a Dutch writer, I 
am inclined to believe he must have been much better acquainted with 
the worthy crew of the ark than his competitors, and of course possessed 
of more accurate sources of information. It is astonishing how intimate 
historians do daily become with the patriarchs and other great men of 
antiquity. As intimacy improves with time, and as the learned are par- 
ticularly inquisitive and familiar in their acquaintance with the ancients, 
I should not be surprised if some future writers should gravely give us 
a picture of men and manners as they existed before the flood far more 
copious and accurate than the Bible, and that, in the course of another 
century, the log-book of the good Noah should be as current among his- 
torians as the voyages of Captain Cook or the renowned history ot Rob- 
inson Crusoe. 

I shall not occupy my time by discussing the huge mass of additional 
suppositions, conjeftures, and probabilities respefting the first discovery 
of this country with which unhappy historians overload themselves in 
their endeavors to satisfy the doubts of an incredulous world. It is painful 
to see these laborious wights panting, and toiling, and sweating under 
an enormous burden at the very outset of their works, which, on being 
opened, turns out to be nothing but a mighty bundle of straw. As, how- 
ever, by unwearied assiduity, they seem to have established the faft, to the 
satisfaftion of all the world, that this country has been discovered, I shall 
avail myself of their useful labors to be extremely brief upon this point. 
I shall not, therefore, stop to inquire whether America was first dis- 
covered by a wandering vessel of that celebrated Phoenician fleet which, 
according to Herodotus, circumnavigated Africa, or by that Carthaginian 
expedition which Pliny, the naturalist, informs us discovered the Canary 

[ H] 



Ch. Ill] New York ^c. 

Islands, or whether it was settled by a temporary colony from 'Tyre, as 
hinted by Aristotle and Seneca. I shall neither inquire whether it was first 
discovered by the Chinese, as Vossius with great shrewdness advances ; nor 
by the Norwegians in 1002, under Biorn ; nor by Behem, the German navi- 
gator, as Mr, Otto has endeavored to prove to the savants of the learned 
city of Philadelphia. 

Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims of the Welsh, founded on 
the voyage of Prince MeJoc in the eleventh century, who having never 
returned, it has since been wisely concluded that he must have gone 
to America, and that for a plain reason, — if he did not go there, where 
else could he have gone? — a question which most Socratically shuts 
out all farther dispute. 

Laying aside, therefore, all the conjedures above mentioned, with a 
multitude of others equally satisfaftory, I shall take for granted the 
vulgar opinion that America was discovered on the 1 2th of Oftober, 
1492, by Christoval Colon, a Genoese, who has been clumsily nicknamed 
Columbus, but for what reason I cannot discern. Of the voyages and ad- 
ventures of this Colon, I shall say nothing, seeing that they are already 
suiBciently known. Nor shall I undertake to prove that this country 
should have been called Colonia, after his name, that being notoriously 
self-evident. 

Having thus happily got my readers on this side of the Atlantic, I pic- 
ture them to myself all impatience to enter upon the enjoyment of the 
land of promise, and in full expedation that I will immediately deliver 
it into their possession. But if I do, may I ever forfeit the reputation of 
a regular-bred historian ! No — no, — most curious and thrice learned 
readers (for thrice learned ye are if ye have read all that has gone be- 
fore, and nine times learned shall ye be if ye read that which comes 
after), we have yet a world of work before us. Think you the first dis- 
coverers of this fair quarter of the globe had nothing to do but go on 
shore and find a country ready laid out and cultivated like a garden, 
wherein they might revel at their ease .? No such thing : they had for- 
ests to cut down, underwood to grub up, marshes to drain, and savages 
to exterminate. 

In like manner, I have sundry doubts to clear away, questions to resolve, 
and paradoxes to explain, before I permit you to range at random ; but 
these difficulties once overcome, we shall be enabled to jog on right mer- 
rily through the rest of our history. Thus my work shall, in a manner, 
echo the nature of the subjeft, in the same manner as the sound of poetry 
has been found by certain shrewd critics to echo the sense, — this being 
an improvement in history which I claim the merit of having invented. 

[ ^5] 



Chapter i 



SHOWING the great difficulty Philosophers have had in 
peopling America, and how the Aborigines came to be begotten by Accident 
— to the great relief and satisfaSlion of the Author. 

THE next inquiry at which we arrive in the regular course 
of our history is to ascertain, if possible, how this country 
was originally peopled, — a point fruitful of incredible em- 
barrassments ; for, unless we prove that the Aborigines did 
absolutely come from somewhere, it will be immediately 
asserted, in this age of skepticism, that they did not come at all ; and 
if they did not come at all, then was this country never populated, — a 
conclusion perfectly agreeable to the rules of logic, but wholly irrecon- 
cilable to every feeling of humanity, inasmuch as it must syllogistically 
prove fatal to the innumerable Aborigines of this populous region. 
To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from logical annihilation so 
many millions of fellow-creatures, how many wings of geese have been 
plundered ! what oceans of ink have been benevolently drained ! and 
how many capacious heads of learned historians have been addled, and 
forever confounded ! I pause with reverential awe when I contemplate 
the ponderous tomes, in different languages, with which they have en- 
deavored to solve this question, so important to the happiness of soci- 
ety, but so involved in clouds of impenetrable obscurity. 
Historian after historian has engaged in the endless circle of hypotheti- 
cal argument, and, after leading us a weary chase through oftavos, quar- 
tos, and folios, has let us out at the end of his work just as wise as we 
were at the beginning. It was doubtless some philosophical wild-goose 
chase of the kind that made the old poet Macrobius rail in such a pas- 
sion at curiosity, which he anathematizes most heartily as "an irksome, 
agonizing care, a superstitious industry about unprofitable things, an itch- 
ing humor to see what is not to be seen, and to be doing what signifies 
nothing when it is done." But to proceed. 

Of the claims of the children of Noah to the original population of this 
country I shall say nothing, as they have already been touched upon in 
my last chapter. The claimants next in celebrity are the descendants of 
Abraham. Thus, Christoval Colon (vulgarly called Columbus), when he first 
discovered the gold mines of Hispaniola, immediately concluded, with a 

[ i6 ] 



Ch. iv] New York ^c. 

shrewdness that would have done honor to a philosopher, that he had 
found the ancient 0/>/iir, from whence Solomon procured the gold for 
embellishing the temple at Jerusalem; nay, Colon even imagined that 
he saw the remains of furnaces of veritable Hebraic construftion, em- 
ployed in refining the precious ore. 

So golden a conjedure, tinftured with such fascinating extravagance, 
was too tempting not to be immediately snapped at by the gudgeons 
of learning ; and, accordingly, there were divers profound writers ready 
to swear to its corre6tness, and to bring in their usual load of authori- 
ties and wise surmises, wherewithal to prop it up. Vetablus and Ro- 
bertas Stephens declared nothing could be more clear ; Arius Montanus, 
without the least hesitation, asserts that Mexico was the true Ophir, and 
the Jews the early settlers of the country ; while Possevin, Becan, and 
several other sagacious writers lug in a supposed prophecy of the fourth 
book of EsJras, which, being inserted in the mighty hypothesis, like the 
key-stone of an arch, gives it, in their opinion, perpetual durability. 
Scarce, however, have they completed their goodly superstructure, than 
in trudges a phalanx of opposite authors, with Hans de Laet, the great 
Dutchman, at their head, and at one blow tumbles the whole fabric about 
their ears. Hans, in facft, contradicts outright all the Israelitish claims to 
the first settlement of this country, attributing all those equivocal symp- 
toms and traces of Christianity and Judaism which have been said to be 
found in divers provinces of the New World to the Devil, who has 
always affedted to counterfeit the worship of the true Deity, "a re- 
mark," says the knowing old Padre d'Acosta, "made by all good au- 
thors who have spoken of the religion of nations newly discovered, and 
founded besides on the authority of the fathers of the church'' Some 
writers, again, among whom it is with much regret I am compelled to 
mention Lopez de Gomara and Juan de Leri, insinuate that the Canaan- 
ites, being driven from the land of promise by the Jews, were seized 
with such a panic that they fled without looking behind them until, 
stopping to take breath, they found themselves safe in America. As they 
brought neither their national language, manners, nor features with them, 
it is supposed they left them behind in the hurry of their flight. I 
cannot give my faith to this opinion. 

I pass over the supposition of the learned Grotius, — who, being both an 
ambassador and a Dutchman to boot, is entitled to great respeft, — that 
North America was peopled by a strolling company of Norwegians, and 
that Peru was founded by a colony from China, — Manco, or Mango Capac, 
the first Inca, being himself a Chinese. Nor shall I more than barely 
mention that father Kircher ascribes the settlement of America to the 

[ 17 ] 



A History of [Bk. i 

'Egyptians, Kudbeck to the Scandinavians, Charron to the Gauls, Juffredus 
Petri to a skating party from Friesland, Milius to the Celtce, Marinocus 
the Sicilian to the Romans, Le Compte to the Pluvnicians, Postel to the 
Moors, Martyn d'Angleria to the Abyssinians, together with the sage sur- 
mise of De Laet, that England, Ireland, and the Orcades may contend 
for that honor. 

Nor will I bestow any more attention or credit to the idea that America 
is the fairy region of Zipangri, described by that dreaming traveller, 
Marco Polo, the Venetian; or that it comprises the visionary island of 
Atlantis, described by Plato. Neither will I stop to investigate the hea- 
thenish assertion of Paracelsus, that each hemisphere of the globe was 
originally furnished with an Adam and Eve; or the more flattering 
opinion of Dr. Romayne, supported by many nameless authorities, that 
Adam was of the Indian race ; or the startling conjedlure of Buffon, Hel- 
vetius, and Darwin, so highly honorable to mankind, that the whole 
human species is accidentally descended from a remarkable family of 
monkeys ! 

This last conjecture, I must own, came upon me very suddenly and very 
ungraciously. I have often beheld the clown in a pantomime, while 
gazing in stupid wonder at the extravagant gambols of a harlequin, all 
at once eleftrified by a sudden stroke of the wooden sword across his 
shoulders. Little did I think, at such times, that it would ever fall to 
my lot to be treated with equal discourtesy, and that, while I was 
quietly beholding these grave philosophers emulating the eccentric 
transformations of the hero of pantomime, they would on a sudden 
turn upon me and my readers, and with one hypothetical flourish met- 
amorphose us into beasts ! I determined from that moment not to burn 
my fingers with any more of their theories, but content myself with 
detailing the different methods by which they transported the descend- 
ants of these ancient and respeftable monkeys to this great field of theo- 
retical warfare. 

This was done either by migrations by land or transmigrations by water. 
Thus Padre Joseph d Acosta enumerates three passages by land : first, 
by the north of Europe; secondly, by the north of Asia ; and, thirdly, 
by regions southward of the Straits of Magellan. The learned Grotius 
marches his Norwegians by a pleasant route across frozen rivers and 
arms of the sea, through Iceland, Greenland, Estotiland, and Naremberga ; 
and various writers, among whom are Angleria, De Hornn, and Buffon, 
anxious for the accommodation of these travellers, have fastened the 
two continents together by a strong chain of deduftions, — by which 
means they could pass over dry-shod. But should even this fail. Pinker- 

[ i8 ] 



Ch. iv] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

ton, that industrious old gentleman who compiles books and manu- 
faftures geographies, has constru6led a natural bridge of ice from 
continent to continent, at the distance of four or five miles from Behr- 
ings Straits, — for which he is entitled to the grateful thanks of all the 
wandering aborigines who ever did or ever will pass over it. 
It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of the worthy writers above 
quoted could ever commence his work without immediately declaring 
hostilities against every writer who had treated of the same subjeft. In 
this particular, authors may be compared to a certain sagacious bird, 
which in building its nest is sure to pull to pieces the nests of all the 
birds in its neighborhood. This unhappy propensity tends grievously to 
impede the progress of sound knowledge. Theories are at best but brittle 
produdions, and, when once committed to the stream, they should take 
care that, like the notable pots which were fellow-voyagers, they do 
not crack each other. 

My chief surprise is, that among the many writers I have noticed, no 
one has attempted to prove that this country was peopled from the 
moon ; or that the first inhabitants floated hither on islands of ice, as 
white bears cruise about the northern oceans ; or that they were con- 
veyed hither by balloons, as modern aeronauts pass from Dover to Calais; 
or by witchcraft, as Simon Magus posted among the stars ; or after the 
manner of the renowned Scythian Abaris, who, like the New England 
witches on full-blooded broomsticks, made most unheard-of journeys 
on the back of a golden arrow, given him by the Hyperborean Apollo. 
But there is still one mode left by which this country could have been 
peopled, which I have reserved for the last, because I consider it worth 
all the rest : it is — by accident ! Speaking of the islands oi Solomon, New 
Guinea, and New Holland, the profound father Charlevoix observes, "in 
fine, all these countries are peopled, and // is possible some have been so 
by accident. Now, if it could have happened in that manner, why might 
it not have been at the same time and by the same means with the other 
parts of the globe.''" This ingenious mode of deducing certain conclu- 
sions from possible premises is an improvement in syllogistic skill, and 
proves the good father superior even to Archimedes, for he can turn the 
world without anything to rest his lever upon. It is only surpassed by 
the dexterity with which the sturdy old Jesuit, in another place, cuts 
the gordian knot: "Nothing," says he, "is more easy. The inhabi- 
tants of both hemispheres are certainly the descendants of the same 
father. The common father of mankind received an express order from 
Heaven to people the world, and accordingly it has been peopled. To bring 
this about, it was necessary to overcome all difficulties in the way, and 

[ 19 ] 



A History '^c. [Bk. i 

they have also been overcome !'" Pious logician ! How does he put all the 
herd of laborious theorists to the blush by explaining in five words 
what it has cost them volumes to prove they knew nothing about ! 
From all the authorities here quoted, and a variety of others which I 
have consulted, but which are omitted through fear of fatiguing the 
unlearned reader, I can only draw the following conclusions, which, 
luckily, however, are sufficient for my purpose : First, that this part of 
the world has a6tually been peopled (Q. E. D.), to support which we 
have living proofs in the numerous tribes of Indians that inhabit it. 
Secondly, that it has been peopled in five hundred different ways, as 
proved by a cloud of authors who, from the positiveness of their asser- 
tions, seem to have been eye-witnesses to the fa<5l. Thirdly, that the 
people of this country had a variety of fathers, which, as it may not be 
thought much to their credit by the common run of readers, the less 
we say on the subjeft the better. The question, therefore, I trust, is 
forever at rest. 



Chap. 

[ 20 ] 



Ch 



a o t e r v 



IN WHICH the Author puts a Mighty ^estion to the 
rout, by the Assistance of the Man in the Moon, — which not only de- 
livers 'Thousands of People from great Embarrassment, but likewise concludes 
this IntroduSlory Book. 

THE writer of a history may, in some respefts, be likened 
unto an adventurous knight, who, having undertaken a 
perilous enterprise by way of establishing his fame, feels 
bound, in honor and chivalry, to turn back for no diffi- 
culty nor hardship and never to shrink or quail, whatever 
enemy he may encounter. Under this impression, I resolutely draw my 
pen, and fall to with might and main at those doughty questions and 
subtle paradoxes which, like fiery dragons and bloody giants, beset the 
entrance to my history and would fain repulse me from the very thresh- 
old. And at this moment a gigantic question has started up which I 
must needs take by the beard and utterly subdue before I can advance 
another step in my historic undertaking ; but I trust this will be the 
last adversary I shall have to contend with, and that in the next book 
I shall be enabled to conduft my readers in triumph into the body of 
my work. 

The question which has thus suddenly arisen is. What right had the 
first discoverers of America to land and take possession of a country, 
without first gaining the consent of its inhabitants or yielding them an 
adequate compensation for their territory ? — a question which has with- 
stood many fierce assaults, and has given much distress of mind to mul- 
titudes of kind-hearted folk. And indeed, until it be totally vanquished 
and put to rest, the worthy people of America can by no means enjoy 
the soil they inhabit, with clear right and title, and quiet, unsullied 
consciences. 

The first source of right by which property is acquired in a country 
is DISCOVERY ; for, as all mankind have an equal right to anything which 
has never before been appropriated, so any nation that discovers an un- 
inhabited country, and takes possession thereof, is considered as enjoying 
full property, and absolute, unquestionable empire therein.* 

* Grotius. Puffendorff, b. v. c. 4. Vattel, b. i. c. 18, S:c. 

[ 21 ] 



A History of [Bk. i 

This proposition being admitted, it follows clearly that the Europeans 
who first visited America were the real discoverers of the same, nothing 
being necessary to the establishment of this fa6l but simply to prove 
that it was totally uninhabited by men. This would at first appear to 
be a point of some difficulty, for it is well known that this quarter of 
the world abounded with certain animals that walked ereft on two 
feet, had something of a human countenance, uttered certain unintel- 
ligible sounds, very much like language ; in short, had a marvellous 
resemblance to human beings. But the zealous and enlightened fathers 
who accompanied the discoverers, for the purpose of promoting the 
kingdom of heaven by establishing fat monasteries and bishoprics on 
earth, soon cleared up this point, greatly to the satisfaction of his holi- 
ness the pope, and of all Christian voyagers and discoverers. 
They plainly proved (and as there were no Indian writers arose on the 
other side, the fad: was considered as fully admitted and established) 
that the two-legged race of animals before mentioned were mere can- 
nibals, detestable monsters, and many of them giants, — which last de- 
scription of vagrants have, since the time of Gog^ Magog, and Goliath, 
been considered as outlaws, and have received no quarter in either history, 
chivalry, or song. Indeed, even the philosophic Bacon declared the Ameri- 
cans to be people proscribed by the laws of nature, inasmuch as they had 
a barbarous custom of sacrificing men and feeding upon man's flesh. 
Nor are these all the proofs of their utter barbarism. Among many other 
writers of discernment, XJlloa tells us : " Their imbecility is so visible that 
one can hardly form an idea of them diffisrent from what one has of the 
brutes. Nothing disturbs the tranquillity of their souls, equally insensi- 
ble to disasters and to prosperity. Though half naked, they are as con- 
tented as a monarch in his most splendid array. Fear makes no impression 
on them, and respeft as little." All this is furthermore supported by the 
authority of M. Bouguer. "It is not easy," says he, "to describe the de- 
gree of their indifference for wealth and all its advantages. One does not 
well know what motives to propose to them when one would persuade 
them to any service. It is vain to offer them money ; they answer they 
are not hungry." And Vanegas confirms the whole, assuring us that 
"ambition they have none, and are more desirous of being thought 
strong than valiant. The objefts of ambition with us — honor, fame, 
reputation, riches, posts, and distinctions — are unknown among them; 
so that this powerful spring of action, the cause of so much seeming good 
and real evil in the world, has no power over them. In a word, these 
unhappy mortals may be compared to children in whom the develop- 
ment of reason is not completed." 

[ 22 ] 



Ch. v] N E W Y O R K ^C. 



Now, all these peculiarities, although in the most unenlightened states 
of Greece they would have entitled their possessors to immortal honor 
as having reduced to praftice those rigid and abstemious maxims, — the 
mere talking about which acquired certain old Greeh the reputation 
of sages and philosophers, — yet were they clearly proved in the pres- 
ent instance to betoken a most abjeft and brutified nature, totally be- 
neath the human charadler. But the benevolent fathers who had 
undertaken to turn these unhappy savages into dumb beasts by dint 
of argument, advanced still stronger proofs ; for, as certain divines of 
the sixteenth century, and among the rest Lu//us, affirm, the Ameri- 
cans go naked, and have no beards ! "They have nothing," says Lullus, 
"of the reasonable animal, except the mask." And even that mask was 
allowed to avail them but little, for it was soon found that they were 
of a hideous copper complexion ; and being of a copper complexion, it 

was all the same as if they were negroes ; and negroes are black, "and 

black," said the pious fathers, devoutly crossing themselves, "is the 
color of the Devil V" Therefore, so far from being able to own prop- 
erty, they had no right even to personal freedom ; for liberty is too ra- 
diant a deity to inhabit such gloomy temples. All which circumstances 
plainly convinced the righteous followers oi Cortes and Pizarro that these 
miscreants had no title to the soil that they infested ; that they were a per- 
verse, illiterate, dumb, beardless, black-seed,— mere wild beasts of the 
forests, and, like them, should either be subdued or exterminated. 
From the foregoing arguments, therefore, and a variety of others equally 
conclusive which I forbear to enumerate, it is clearly evident that this 
fair quarter of the globe, when first visited by Europeans, was a howling 
wilderness, inhabited by nothing but wild beasts, and that the trans- 
atlantic visitors acquired an incontrovertible property therein by the 
right of discovery. 

This right being fully established, we now come to the next, which is 
the right acquired by cultivation. "The cultivation of the soil," we are 
told, "is an obligation imposed by nature on mankind. The whole world 
is appointed for the nourishment of its inhabitants ; but it would be 
incapable of doing it, was it uncultivated. Every nation is, then, obliged 
by the law of nature to cultivate the ground that has fallen to its share. 
Those people, like the ancient Germans and modern Tartars, who, hav- 
ing fertile countries, disdain to cultivate the earth, and choose to live 
by rapine, are wanting to themselves, and deserve to be exterminated as 
savage and pernicious beasts."^ 



• battel, b. i. ch. 17. 



[ 23 ] 



A History of [Bk. i 

Now, it is notorious that the savages knew nothing of agriculture when 
first discovered by the Europeans, but lived a most vagabond, disorderly, 
unrighteous life, — rambling from place to place, and prodigally rioting 
upon the spontaneous luxuries of nature without tasking her generosity 
to yield them anything more ; whereas it has been most unquestionably 
shown that Heaven intended the earth should be ploughed and sown, 
and manured, and laid out into cities, and towns, and farms, and country- 
seats, and pleasure-grounds, and public gardens ; — all which the Indians 
knew nothing about : therefore, they did not improve the talents Provi- 
dence had bestowed on them : therefore, they were careless stewards : 
therefore, they had no right to the soil : therefore, they deserved to be 
exterminated. 

It is true, the savages might plead that they drew all the benefits from 
the land which their simple wants required, — they found plenty of game 
to hunt, which, together with the roots and uncultivated fruits of the 
earth, furnished a sufficient variety for their frugal repasts, — and that, 
as Heaven merely designed the earth to form the abode and satisfy the 
wants of man, so long as those purposes were answered, the will ot 
Heaven was accomplished. But this only proves how undeserving they 
were of the blessings around them : they were so much the more sav- 
ages, for not having more wants ; for knowledge is in some degree an 
increase of desires ; and it is this superiority both in the number and 
magnitude of his desires that distinguishes the man from the beast. 
Therefore, the Indians, in not having more wants, were very unreason- 
able animals, and it was but just that they should make way for the 
'Europeans, who had a thousand wants to their one, and, therefore, would 
turn the earth to more account, and, by cultivating it, more truly fulfil 
the will of Heaven. Besides [Grotius, and Lauterbach, and Puffendorff, 
and Titius, and many wise men beside, who have considered the mat- 
ter properly, have determined that the property of a country cannot be 
acquired by hunting, cutting wood, or drawing water in it), nothing 
but precise demarcation of limits and the intention of cultivation can 
establish the possession. Now, as the savages (probably from never hav- 
ing read the authors above quoted) had never complied with any ot 
these necessary forms, it plainly follows that they had no right to the 
soil, but that it was completely at the disposal of the first comers, who 
had more knowledge, more wants, and more elegant — that is to say, 
artificial — desires than themselves. 

In entering upon a newly discovered, uncultivated country, therefore, 
the new-comers were but taking possession of what, according to the 
aforesaid doftrine, was their own property ; therefore, in opposing 

[ 24] 



■'' '- 




"They introduced among I hem rum, gin, and brandy, and the other eomjorts of life. 



Ch. v] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

them, the savages were invading their just rights, infringing the im- 
mutable laws of nature, and counterafting the will of Heaven : there- 
fore, they were guilty of impiety, burglary, and trespass on the case : 
therefore, they were hardened offenders against God and man : there- 
fore, they ought to be exterminated. 

But a more irresistible right than either that I have mentioned, and 
one which will be the most readily admitted by my reader, provided 
he be blessed with bowels of charity and philanthropy, is the right 
acquired by civilization. All the world knows the lamentable state in 
which these poor savages were found. Not only deficient in the com- 
forts of life, but what is still worse, most piteously and unfortunately 
blind to the miseries of their situation. But no sooner did the benevo- 
lent inhabitants of Europe behold their sad condition than they imme- 
diately went to work to ameliorate and improve it. They introduced 
among them rum, gin, brandy, and the other comforts of life ; and it 
is astonishing to read how soon the poor savages learned to estimate 
those blessings. They likewise made known to them a thousand reme- 
dies by which the most inveterate diseases are alleviated and healed ; 
and that they might comprehend the benefits and enjoy the comforts 
of these medicines, they previously introduced among them the diseases 
which they were calculated to cure. By these and a variety of other 
methods was the condition of these poor savages wonderfully improved ; 
they acquired a thousand wants of which they had before been igno- 
rant ; and as he has most sources of happiness who has most wants to 
be gratified, they were doubtlessly rendered a much happier race of 
beings. 

But the most important branch of civilization, and which has most 
strenuously been extolled by the zealous and pious fathers of the Romish 
Church, is the introduftion of the Christian faith. It was truly a sight 
that might well inspire horror, to behold these savages tumbling among 
the dark mountains of paganism, and guilty of the most horrible igno- 
rance of religion. It is true, they neither stole nor defrauded ; they were 
sober, frugal, continent, and faithful to their word ; but, though they 
ailed right habitually, it was all in vain, unless they adted so from pre- 
cept. The new-comers, therefore, used every method to induce them to 
embrace and practise the true religion, except indeed that of setting 
them the example. 

But notwithstanding all these complicated labors for their good, such 
was the unparalleled obstinacy of these stubborn wretches that they un- 
gratefully refused to acknowledge the strangers as their benefaftors, and 
persisted in disbelieving the doctrines they endeavored to inculcate, 

[ 25 ] 



A History of [Bk. i 

most insolently alleging that, from their conduct, the advocates of 
Christianity did not seem to believe in it themselves. Was not this too 
much for human patience ? Would not one suppose that the benign 
visitants from Europe, provoked at their incredulity and discouraged 
by their stiff-necked obstinacy, would forever have abandoned their 
shores and consigned them to their original ignorance and misery ? 
But no ; so zealous were they to effect the temporal comfort and eternal 
salvation of these pagan infidels, that they even proceeded from the 
milder means of persuasion to the more painful and troublesome one 
of persecution ; let loose among them whole troops of fiery monks and 
furious bloodhounds ; purified them by fire and sword, by stake and 
fagot ; in consequence of which indefatigable measures, the cause of 
Christian love and charity was so rapidly advanced that in a few years 
not one-fifth of the number of unbelievers existed in South America that 
were found there at the time of its discovery. 

What stronger right need the European settlers advance to the country 
than this .? Have not whole nations of uninformed savages been made 
acquainted with a thousand imperious wants and indispensable com- 
forts of which they were before wholly ignorant ? Have they not been 
literally hunted and smoked out of the dens and lurking-places of igno- 
rance and infidelity, and absolutely scourged into the right path ? Have 
not the temporal things, the vain baubles and filthy lucre of this world, 
which were too apt to engage their worldly and selfish thoughts, been 
benevolently taken from them, and have they not, instead thereof, been 
taught to set their affeftions on things above ? And, finally, to use the 
words of a reverend Spanish father, in a letter to his superior in Spain, 
"Can any one have the presumption to say that these savage Pagans 
have yielded anything more than an inconsiderable recompense to their 
benefaftors, in surrendering to them a little pitiful traft of this dirty 
sublunary planet in exchange for a glorious inheritance in the kingdom 
of heaven .? " 

Here, then, are three complete and undeniable sources of right estab- 
lished, any one of which was more than ample to establish a property 
in the newly discovered regions of America. Now, so it has happened 
in certain parts of this delightful quarter of the globe, that the right of 
discovery has been so strenuously asserted, the influence of cultivation 
so industriously extended, and the progress of salvation and civilization 
so zealously prosecuted, that, what with their attendant wars, persecu- 
tions, oppressions, diseases, and other partial evils that often hang on 
the skirts of great benefits, the savage aborigines have, somehow or an- 
other, been utterly annihilated. And this all at once brings me to a 

[ 26 ] 



Ch.v] N e w Y o r k S^c. 

fourth right, which is worth all the others put together ; for, the origi- 
nal claimants to the soil being all dead and buried, and no one remain- 
ing to inherit or dispute the soil, the Spaniards, as the next immediate 
occupants, entered upon the possession as clearly as the hangman suc- 
ceeds to the clothes of the malefaftor ; and as they have Blackstone^ and 
all the learned expounders of the law on their side, they may set all 
aftions of ejeftment at defiance; — and this last right may be entitled 
the Right by Extermination, or, in other words, the Right by Gun- 
powder. 

But lest any scruples of conscience should remain on this head, and to 
settle the question of right forever, his holiness Pope Alexander VI. is- 
sued a bull, by which he generously granted the newly discovered quar- 
ter of the globe to the Spaniards and Portuguese, who, thus having law 
and gospel on their side, and being inflamed with great spiritual zeal, 
showed the Pagan savages neither favor nor affe6lion, but prosecuted 
the work of discovery, colonization, civilization, and extermination with 
ten times more fury than ever. 

Thus were the European worthies who first discovered America clearly 
entitled to the soil ; and not only entitled to the soil, but likewise to the 
eternal thanks of these infidel savages, for having come so far, endured 
so many perils by sea and land, and taken such unwearied pains, for no 
other purpose but to improve their forlorn, uncivilized, and heathenish 
condition, — for having made them acquainted with the comforts of life, 
— for having introduced among them the light of religion, and, finally, 
for having hurried them out of the world, to enjoy its reward ! 
But as argument is never so well understood by us selfish mortals as when 
it comes home to ourselves, and as I am particularly anxious that this 
question should be put to rest forever, I will suppose a parallel case, by 
way of arousing the candid attention of my readers. 
Let us suppose, then, that the inhabitants of the moon, by astonishing 
advancement in science, and by profound insight into that lunar phil- 
osophy, the mere flickerings of which have of late years dazzled the 
feeble optics and addled the shallow brains of the good people of our 
globe, — let us suppose, I say, that the inhabitants of the moon, by 
these means, had arrived at such a command of their energies, such an 
enviable state oi perf edibility, as to control the elements and navigate 
the boundless regions of space. Let us suppose a roving crew of these 
soaring philosophers, in the course of an aerial voyage of discovery 
among the stars, should chance to alight upon this outlandish planet. 

* Bl. Com. b. ii. c. i. 

[ 27 ] 



A History of [Bk.i 

And here I beg my readers will not have the uncharitableness to smile, 
as is too frequently the fault of volatile readers when perusing the 
grave speculations of philosophers. I am far from indulging in any 
sportive vein at present ; nor is the supposition I have been making 
so wild as many may deem it. It has long been a very serious and anx- 
ious question with me, and many a time and oft, in the course of my 
overwhelming cares and contrivances for the welfare and proteftion of 
this my native planet, have I lain awake whole nights debating in my 
mind whether it were most probable we should first discover and civ- 
ilize the moon, or the moon discover and civilize our globe. Neither 
would the prodigy of sailing in the air and cruising among the stars 
be a whit more astonishing and incomprehensible to us than was the 
'European mystery of navigating floating castles through the world of 
waters to the simple natives. We have already discovered the art of 
coasting along the aerial shores of our planet by means of balloons, as 
the savages had of venturing along their sea-coasts in canoes ; and the 
disparity between the former and the aerial vehicles of the philoso- 
phers from the moon might not be greater than that between the bark 
canoes of the savages and the mighty ships of their discoverers. I 
might here pursue an endless chain of similar speculations ; but, as they 
would be unimportant to my subjeft, I abandon them to my reader, 
particularly if he be a philosopher, as matters well worthy of his atten- 
tive consideration. 

To return, then, to my supposition : Let us suppose that the aerial 
visitants I have mentioned, possessed of vastly superior knowledge to 
ourselves, — that is to say, possessed of superior knowledge in the art of 
extermination, riding on hippogrifFs, defended with impenetrable armor, 
armed with concentrated sunbeams, and provided with vast engines to 
hurl enormous moonstones, — in short, let us suppose them, if our vanity 
will permit the supposition, as superior to us in knowledge, and con- 
sequently in power, as the 'Europeans were to the Indians when they first 
discovered them. All this is very possible — it is only our self-sufficiency 
that makes us think otherwise ; and I warrant the poor savages, before 
they had any knowledge of the white men, armed in all the terrors of 
glittering steel and tremendous gunpowder, were as perfeftly convinced 
that they themselves were the wisest, the most virtuous, powerful, and 
perfeft of created beings as are, at this present moment, the lordly in- 
habitants of old England^ the volatile populace of France, or even the 
self-satisfied citizens of this most enlightened republic. 
Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial voyagers, finding this planet 
to be nothing but a howling wilderness, inhabited by us poor savages 

[ 28 ] 



Ch.v] N e w Y o r k ^c. 

and wild beasts, shall take formal possession of it, in the name of his 
most gracious and philosophic excellency, the man in the moon. Find- 
ing, however, that their numbers are incompetent to hold it in com- 
plete subjeftion, on account of the ferocious barbarity of its inhabitants, 
they shall take our worthy President, the King of England, the Em- 
peror of Hayti, the mighty Bonaparte, and the great King of Bantam^ 
and, returning to their native planet, shall carry them to court, as were 
the Indian chiefs led about as speftacles in the courts of Europe. 
Then, making such obeisance as the etiquette of the court requires, 
they shall address the puissant man in the moon in, as near as I can 
conjefture, the following terms : 

" Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose dominions extend as far as 
eye can reach, who rideth on the Great Bear, useth the sun as a looking- 
glass, and maintaineth unrivalled control over tides, madmen, and sea- 
crabs: We, thy liege subjects, have just returned from a voyage of dis- 
covery, in the course of which we have landed and taken possession of 
that obscure little dirty planet which thou beholdest rolling at a dis- 
tance. The five uncouth monsters which we have brought into this 
august presence were once very important chiefs among their fellow- 
savages, who are a race of beings totally destitute of the common attri- 
butes of humanity, and differing in everything from the inhabitants of 
the moon, inasmuch as they carry their heads upon their shoulders, in- 
stead of under their arms, have two eyes instead of one, are utterly 
destitute of tails, and of a variety of unseemly complexions, particularly 
of horrible whiteness, instead of pea-green. 

" We have, moreover, found these miserable savages sunk into a state of 
the utmost ignorance and depravity, every man shamelessly living with 
his own wife, and rearing his own children, instead of indulging in that 
community of wives enjoined by the law of nature as expounded by 
the philosophers of the moon. In a word, they have scarcely a gleam 
of true philosophy among them, but are, in faft, utter heretics, ignora- 
muses, and barbarians. Taking compassion, therefore, on the sad condi- 
tion of these sublunary wretches, we have endeavored, while we re- 
mained on their planet, to introduce among them the light of reason 
and the comforts of the moon. We have treated them to mouthfuls of 
moonshine and draughts of nitrous oxide, which they swallowed with 
incredible voracity, particularly the females ; and we have likewise en- 
deavored to instil into them the precepts of lunar philosophy. We have 
insisted upon their renouncing the contemptible shackles of religion 
and common-sense, and adoring the profound, omnipotent, and all-per- 
fedl: energy, and the ecstatic, immutable, immovable perfedtion. But 

[ 29 J 



A History of [Bk. 



such was the unparalleled obstinacy of these wretched savages, that they 
persisted in cleaving to their wives and adhering to their religion, and 
absolutely set at naught the sublime dodrines of the moon ; nay, among 
other abominable heresies, they even went so far as blasphemously to 
declare that this ineffable planet was made of nothing more nor less 
than green cheese ! " 

At these words the great man in the moon, being a very profound phil- 
osopher, shall fall into a terrible passion, and possessing equal authority 
over things that do not belong to him as did whilom his holiness the 
Pope^ shall forthwith issue a formidable bull, specifying, " That, whereas 
a certain crew of Lunatics have lately discovered and taken possession 
of a newly discovered planet called the earth; and that, whereas it is 
inhabited by none but a race of two-legged animals that carry their 
heads on their shoulders instead of under their arms, cannot talk the 
lunatic language, have two eyes instead of one, are destitute of tails, 
and of a horrible whiteness instead of pea-green : — therefore, and for a 
variety of other excellent reasons, they are considered incapable of pos- 
sessing any property in the planet they infest, and the right and title to 
it are confirmed to its original discoverers. And furthermore, the colo- 
nists who are now about to depart to the aforesaid planet are authorized 
and commanded to use every means to convert these infidel savages from 
the darkness of Christianity^ and make them thorough and absolute 
lunatics." 

In consequence of this benevolent bull, our philosophic benefaftors go 
to work with hearty zeal. They seize upon our fertile territories, scourge 
us from our rightful possessions, relieve us from our wives ; and when 
we are unreasonable enough to complain, they will turn upon us and 
say: Miserable barbarians! ungrateful wretches! have we not come 
thousands of miles to improve your worthless planet ; have we not fed 
you with moonshine ; have we not intoxicated you with nitrous oxide ; 
does not our moon give you light every night, and have you the 
baseness to murmur when we claim a pitiful return for all these ben- 
efits ? But finding that we not only persist in absolute contempt of 
their reasoning and disbelief in their philosophy, but even go so far 
as daringly to defend our property, their patience shall be exhausted, 
and they shall resort to their superior powers of argument, — hunt us 
with hippogriffs, transfix us with concentrated sunbeams, demolish 
our cities with moonstones, — until, having by main force converted 
us to the true faith, they shall graciously permit us to exist in the 
torrid deserts of Arabia or the frozen regions of Lapland, there to 
enjoy the blessings of civilization and the charms of lunar philosophy, 

[ 30 ] 



Ch. v] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

in much the same manner as the reformed and enhghtened savages of 
this country are kindly suffered to inhabit the inhospitable forests 
of the North or the impenetrable wildernesses of Sout/i America. 
Thus, I hope, I have clearly proved, and strikingly illustrated, the 
right of the early colonists to the possession of this country ; and thus 
is this gigantic question completely vanquished : so, having manfully 
surmounted all obstacles, and subdued all opposition, what remains 
but that I should forthwith conduft my readers into the city which 
we have been so long in a manner besieging ? But hold ; before I pro- 
ceed another step, I must pause to take breath and recover from the 
excessive fatigue I have undergone in preparing to begin this most 
accurate of histories. And in this I do but imitate the example of a 
renowned Dutch tumbler of antiquity who took a start of three miles 
for the purpose of jumping over a hill, but, having run himself out of 
breath by the time he reached the foot, sat himself quietly down for a 
few moments to blow, and then walked over it at his leisure. 



[ 31 ] 



BOOK II 

'Treating of 
The First Settlement of the Province of 



^K^^^v 



BOOK II 



Chapter i 

IN WHICH are contained Divers Reasons why a Man 
should not write in a hurry ; also, of Master Hendrick Hudson, his Dis- 
covery of a Strange Country, and how he was magnificently rewarded by 
the Munificence of their fpigf) ^igbtinCSSCS. 

MY great-grandfather, by the mother's side, Hermanns van 
Clattercop, when employed to build the large stone 
church at Rotterdam, which stands about three hundred 
yards to your left after you turn off from the Boomkeys, 
and which is so conveniently construfted that all the 
zealous Christians of Rotterdam prefer sleeping through a sermon there 
to any other church in the city, — my great-grandfather, I say, when 
employed to build that famous church, did in the first place send to 
Delft for a box of long pipes ; then, having purchased a new spitting- 
box and a hundred-weight of the best Virginia, he sat himself down, 
and did nothing for the space of three months but smoke most labo- 
riously. Then did he spend full three months more in trudging on foot, 

and voyaging in trekschuit, from Rotterdam to Amsterdam — to Delft 

to Haerletn — to Ley den — to the Hague, knocking his head and breaking 
his pipe against every church in his road. Then did he advance grad- 
ually nearer and nearer to Rotterdam, until he came in full sight of the 
identical spot whereon the church was to be built. Then did he spend 
three months longer in walking round it and round it, contemplating 
it, first from one point of view and then from another ; now would 
he be paddled by it on the canal, now would he peep at it through 
a telescope from the other side of the Meuse, and now would he take 
a bird's-eye glance at it from the top of one of those gigantic wind- 
mills which proted the gates of the city. The good folks of the place 
were on the tiptoe of expedation and impatience ; notwithstanding 
all the turmoil of my great-grandfather, not a symptom of the church 
was yet to be seen ; they even began to fear it would never be brought 
into the world, but that its great projedor would lie down and die in 

[ 35 ] 



A History of [Bk. n 

labor of the mighty plan he had conceived. At length, having occupied 
twelve good months in puffing and paddling, and talking and walking, 
— having travelled over all Holland^ and even taken a peep into France 
and Germany, having smoked five hundred and ninety-nine pipes, 
and three hundred-weight of the best Virginia tobacco, — my great- 
grandfather gathered together all that knowing and industrious class 
of citizens who prefer attending to anybody's business sooner than 
their own, and, having pulled off his coat and five pair of breeches, 
he advanced sturdily up and laid the corner-stone of the church, in 
presence of the whole multitude — just at the commencement of the 
thirteenth month. 

In a similar manner, and with the example of my worthy ancestor 
full before my eyes, have I proceeded in writing this most authentic 
history. The honest Rotterdamers no doubt thought my great-grand- 
father was doing nothing at all to the purpose while he was making 
such a world of prefatory bustle about the building of his church 
and many of the ingenious inhabitants of this fair city will unquestion- 
ably suppose that all the preliminary chapters, with the discovery, 
population, and final settlement of America, were totally irrelevant and 
superfluous, and that the main business, the history of New York, is 
not a jot more advanced than if I had never taken up my pen. Never 
were wise people more mistaken in their conjeftures : in consequence 
of going to work slowly and deliberately, the church came out of my 
grandfather's hands one of the most sumptuous, goodly, and glorious 
edifices in the known world, excepting that, like our magnificent 
capitol at Washington, it was begun on so grand a scale that the good 
folks could not afford to finish more than the wing of it. So, likewise, 
I trust, if ever I am able to finish this work on the plan I have com- 
menced (of which, in simple truth, I sometimes have my doubts), it 
will be found that I have pursued the latest rules of my art, as exem- 
plified in the writings of all the great American historians, and wrought 
a very large history out of a small subjeft — which, nowadays, is con- 
sidered one of the great triumphs of historic skill. To proceed, then, 
with the thread of my story. 

In the ever-memorable year of our Lord 1609, on a Saturday morn- 
ing, the five-and-twentieth day of March, old style, did that "worthy 
and irrecoverable discoverer (as he has justly been called). Master 
Henry Hudson,'' set sail from Ho/land in a stout vessel called the Half- 
Moon, being employed by the Dutch East India Company, to seek a 
northwest passage to China. 
Henry (or, as the Dutch historians call him, Hendrick) Hudson was a 

[ 36 ] 



Ch. i] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

seafaring man of renown, who had learned to smoke tobacco under Sir 
Walter Raleigh, and is said to have been the first to introduce it into 
Holland, which gained him much popularity in that country, and 
caused him to find great favor in the eyes of their High Mightinesses, 
the Lords States General, and also of the honorable West India Company. 
He was a short, square, brawny old gentleman, with a double chin, a 
mastiff mouth, and a broad copper nose, which was supposed in those 
days to have acquired its fiery hue from the constant neighborhood of 
his tobacco-pipe. 

He wore a true Andrea Ferrara, tucked in a leathern belt, and a com- 
modore's cocked hat on one side of his head. He was remarkable for 
always jerking up his breeches when he gave out his orders, and his 
voice sounded not unlike the brattling of a tin trumpet, owing to the 
number of hard northwesters which he had swallowed in the course of 
his seafaring. 

Such was Hendrick Hudson, of whom we have heard so much and know 
so little ; and I have been thus particular in his description for the ben- 
efit of modern painters and statuaries, that they may represent him as 
he was, and not, according to their common custom with modern he- 
roes, make him look like Ccesar, or Marcus Aurelius, or the Apollo of 
Behidere. 

As chief mate and favorite companion, the commodore chose Master 
Robert Juet, of Limehouse, in England. By some his name has been 
spelled Chewit, and ascribed to the circumstances of his having been 
the first man that ever chewed tobacco ; but this I believe to be a mere 
flippancy, more especially as certain of his progeny are living at this 
day who write their names Juet. He was an old comrade and early 
schoolmate of the great Hudson, with whom he had often played truant 
and sailed chip boats in a neighboring pond when they were little 
boys — from whence it is said that the commodore first derived his bias 
towards a seafaring life. Certain it is that the old people about Lime- 
house declared Robert Juet to be an unlucky urchin, prone to mischief, 
that would one day or other come to the gallows. 
He grew up, as boys of that kind often grow up, a rambling, heedless 
varlet, tossed about in all quarters of the world, meeting with more 
perils and wonders than did Sinbad the Sailor, without growing a whit 
more wise, prudent, or ill-natured. Under every misfortune he com- 
forted himself with a quid of tobacco and the truly philosophic maxim 
that "it will be all the same thing a hundred years hence." He was 
skilled in the art of carving anchors and true-lover's knots on the bulk- 
heads and quarter-railings, and was considered a great wit on board 

[ 37 ] 



A History of [Bk. n 

ship, in consequence of his playing pranks on everybody around, and 
now and then even making a wry face at old Hendrick when his back 
was turned. 

To this universal genius are we indebted for many particulars concern- 
ing this voyage, of which he wrote a history, at the request of the 
commodore, who had an unconquerable aversion to writing himself, 
from having received so many floggings about it when at school. To 
supply the deficiencies of Master y«t'/'j journal, which is written with 
true log-book brevity, I have availed myself of divers family traditions, 
handed down from my great-great-grandfather, who accompanied the 
expedition in the capacity of cabin-boy. 

From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy of remark happened 
in the voyage ; and it mortifies me exceedingly that I have to admit 
so noted an expedition into my work without making any more of it. 
Suffice it to say, the voyage was prosperous and tranquil ; the crew, 
being a patient people, much given to slumber and vacuity, and but 
little troubled with the disease of thinking — a malady of the mind 
which is the sure breeder of discontent. Hudson had laid in abundance 
of gin and sourkrout, and every man was allowed to sleep quietly at 
his post, unless the wind blew. True it is, some slight disaffisftion was 
shown on two or three occasions at certain unreasonable condu6l of 
Commodore Hudson. Thus, for instance, he forbore to shorten sail when 
the wind was light and the weather serene, which was considered 
among the most experienced Dutch seamen as certain weather-breeders, 
or prognostics that the weather would change for the worse. He a6ted, 
moreover, in diredt contradiftion to that ancient and sage rule of the 
Dutch navigators, who always took in sail at night, put the helm a-port, 
and turned in — by which precaution they had a good night's rest, 
were sure of knowing where they were the next morning, and stood 
but little chance of running down a continent in the dark. He like- 
wise prohibited the seamen from wearing more than five jackets and 
six pair of breeches, under pretence of rendering them more alert ; and 
no man was permitted to go aloft and hand in sails with a pipe in his 
mouth, as is the invariable Dutch custom at the present day. All these 
grievances, though they might ruffle for a moment the constitutional 
tranquillity of the honest Dutch tars, made but transient impression ; 
they ate hugely, drank profusely, and slept immeasurably ; and, being 
under the especial guidance of Providence, the ship was safely con- 
ducted to the coast of America, where, after sundry unimportant touch- 
ings and standings off and on, she at length, on the fourth day of Sep- 
tember, entered that majestic bay which at this day expands its ample 

[ 3« ] 



Ch.i] N e w Y o r k ^c. 

bosom before the city of New Tork, and which had never before been 
visited by any European.^ 

It has been traditionary in our family, that when the great navigator was 
first blessed with a view of this enchanting island, he was observed, for the 
first and only time in his life, to exhibit strong symptoms of astonishment 
and admiration. Heis said to have turned to Master j''«^/, and uttered these 
remarkable words, while he pointed towards this paradise of the new world, 
" See ! there ! " and thereupon, as was always his way when he was uncom- 
monly pleased, he did puff out such clouds of dense tobacco-smoke that in 
one minute the vessel was out of sight of land, and Master yuet was fain 
to wait until the winds dispersed this impenetrable fog. 
It was indeed, as my great-grandfather used to say (though, in truth, 
I never heard him, for he died, as might be expected, before I was 
born), "It was indeed a spot on which the eye might have revelled 
forever, in ever new and never-ending beauties." The island of Manna- 
hata spread wide before them, like some sweet vision of fancy or some 
fair creation of industrious magic. Its hills of smiling green swelled 
gently one above another, crowned with lofty trees of luxuriant growth — 
some pointing their tapering foliage towards the clouds, which were 
gloriously transparent, and others loaded with a verdant burden of 
clambering vines, bowing their branches to the earth, that was covered 
with flowers. On the gentle declivities of the hills were scattered in 
gay profusion, the dog-wood, the sumach, and the wild brier, whose 
scarlet berries and white blossoms glowed brightly among the deep 
green of the surrounding foliage ; and here and there a curling column 

•True it is (and I am not ignorant of the fail), that in a certain apocryphal book of voyages, 
compiled by one Haklif^t^ is to be found a letter written to Francis the First, by one Giovanne, 
or John Verazzojii, on which some writers are inclined to found a belief that this delightful bay 
had been visited nearly a century previous to the voyage of the enterprising Hudson. Now this 
(albeit it has met with the countenance of certain very judicious and learned men) I hold in utter 
disbelief, and that for various good and substantial reasons : Firsts Because on strift examination 
it will be found that the description given by this Ferazzani applies about as well to the bay of 
Nezv York as it does to my nightcap. Secondly, Because that this Jo/?n Verazzani, for whom I 
already begin to feel a most bitter enmity, is a native of Florence — and everybody knows the 
crafty wiles of these losel Florentines, by which they filched away the laurels from the brows of 
the immortal Colon (vulgarly called Columbus) and bestowed them on their officious townsman, 
Amerigo Vespucci; and I make no doubt they are equally ready to rob the illustrious Hudson of 
the credit of discovering this beautiful island, adorned by the city of New York, and placing it 
beside their usurped discovery of South America. And, thirdly, I award my decision in favor of 
the pretensions of Hendrick Hudson, inasmuch as his expedition sailed from Holland, being truly 
and absolutely a Dutch enterprise ; and, though all the proofs in the world were introduced on 
the other side, 1 would set them at naught, as undeserving my attention. If these three reasons 
be not sufficient to satisfy every burgher of this ancient city, all I can say is, they are degenerate 
descendants from their venerable Dutch ancestors, and totally unworthy the trouble of convin- 
cing. Thus, therefore, the title of Hendrick Hudson to his renowned discovery is fully vindicated. 

[ 39 ] 



A History of [Bk. n 

of smoke, rising from the little glens that opened along the shore, seemed 
to promise the weary voyagers a welcome at the hands of their fellow- 
creatures. As they stood gazing with entranced attention on the scene 
before them, a red man, crowned with feathers, issued from one of these 
glens, and after contemplating in wonder the gallant ship, as she sat 
like a stately swan swimming on a silver lake, sounded the war-whoop 
and bounded into the woods like a wild deer, to the utter astonishment 
of the phlegmatic Dutchmen, who had never heard such a noise or wit- 
nessed such a caper in their whole lives. 

Of the transactions of our adventurers with the savages, and how the 
latter smoked copper pipes, and ate dried currants ; how they brought 
great store of tobacco and oysters ; how they shot one of the ship's 
crew, and how he was buried, I shall say nothing, being that I con- 
sider them unimportant to my history. After tarrying a few days in 
the bay, in order to refresh themselves after their seafaring, our voya- 
gers weighed anchor, to explore a mighty river which emptied into 
the bay. This river, it is said, was known among the savages by the 
name of the Shatemuck; though we are assured in an excellent little 
history published in 1674, by John Josselyn, Gent., that it was called 
the Mohegan* and Master Richard Blome, who wrote some time after- 
wards, asserts the same, — so that I very much incline in favor of the 
opinion of these two honest gentlemen. Be this as it may, up this river 
did the adventurous Hendrick proceed, little doubting but it would turn 
out to be the much-looked-for passage to China ! 

The journal goes on to make mention of divers interviews between the 
crew and the natives, in the voyage up the river ; but, as they would 
be impertinent to my history, I shall pass over them in silence, except 
the following dry joke, played off by the old commodore and his 
school-fellow, Robert Juet, which does such vast credit to their experi- 
mental philosophy that I cannot refrain from inserting it. "Our master 
and his mate determined to try some of the chiefe men of the countrey, 
whether they had any treacherie in them. So they tooke them downe 
into the cabin, and gave them so much wine and aqua vits that they 
were all merrie ; and one of them had his wife with him, which sate 
so modestly, as any of our countrey women would do in a strange place. 
In the end, one of them was drunke, which had been aborde of our 
ship all the time that we had been there ; and that was strange to them, 
for they could not tell how to take it."'j- 

" This river is likewise laid down in Ogiky's map as Manhattan, Noordt Montaigne, and Mauritius 

river. 

t Juet's Journ. Purch. Pil. 

[ 40 ] 



Ch. i] N E W Y O R K ^C, 

, , ,, 

Having satisfied himself by this ingenious experiment that the natives 
were an honest, social race of jolly roysters, who had no objedlion to a 
drinking-bout and were very merry in their cups, the old commodore 
chuckled hugely to himself, and, thrusting a double quid of tobacco in 
his cheek, directed Master yuet to have it carefully recorded, for the 
satisfa6lion of all the natural philosophers of the university of Leyden ; 
which done, he proceeded on his voyage with great self-compla- 
cency. After sailing, however, above an hundred miles up the river, 
he found the watery world around him began to grow more shallow 
and confined, the current more rapid, and perfeftly fresh — phenomena 
not uncommon in the ascent of rivers, but which puzzled the honest 
Dutchmen prodigiously. A consultation was therefore called, and, having 
deliberated full six hours, they were brought to a determination by the 
ship's running aground, whereupon they unanimously concluded that 
there was but little chance of getting to China in this direftion. A 
boat, however, was despatched to explore higher up the river, which, 
on its return, confirmed the opinion ; upon this the ship was warped 
off and put about with great difficulty, being, like most of her sex, 
exceedingly hard to govern ; and the adventurous Hudson, according 
to the account of my great-great-grandfather, returned down the river 
— with a prodigious flea in his ear ! 

Being satisfied that there was little likelihood of getting to China un- 
less, like the blind man, he returned from whence he set out and took 
a fresh start, he forthwith recrossed the sea to Holland, where he was 
received with great welcome by the honorable 'East India Company, 
who were very much rejoiced to see him come back safe — with their 
ship ; and at a large and respeftable meeting of the first merchants and 
burgomasters of Amsterdam it was unanimously determined that, as a 
munificent reward for the eminent services he had performed, and the 
important discovery he had made, the great river Mohegan should be 
called after his name ! — and it continues to be called Hudson River unto 
this very day. 



Ch 

[41 ] 



Chapter i i 



CONTAINING an Account of a mighty ^rk which float- 
ed^ under the proteSlion of St. Nicholas, /row IpollanD to Gibbet Island ; 
t/ie descent of' the strange Animals therefrom ; a great Vi£lory, and a De- 
scription of the Ancient Village 0/ Communipaw. 

THE delecftable accounts given by the great Hudson, and 
Master fuet, of the country they had discovered, excited 
not a little talk and speculation among the good people of 
Holland. Letters-patent were granted by government to an 
association of merchants, called the West India Company, 
for the exclusive trade on HudsonV'..\-ve.r,on which they ere6led a trad- 
ing-house, called Fort Aurania., or Orange, from whence did spring the 
great city of Albany. But I forbear to dwell on the various commercial 
and colonizing enterprises which took place, — among which was that 
of Mynheer Adrian Block, who discovered and gave a name to Block 
Island, since famous for its cheese, — and shall barely confine myself to 
that which gave birth to this renowned city. 

It was some three or four years after the return of the immortal Hen- 
drick that a crew of honest Low-Dutch colonists set sail from the city 
oi Amsterdam for the shores oi America. It is an irreparable loss to his- 
tory, and a great proof of the darkness of the age, and the lamentable 
negleft of the noble art of book-making, since so industriously culti- 
vated by knowing sea-captains and learned supercargoes, that an ex- 
pedition so interesting and important in its results should be passed 
over in utter silence. To my great-great-grandfather am I again in- 
debted for the fadls I am enabled to give concerning it, he having 
once more embarked for this country, with a full determination, as he 
said, of ending his days here, and of begetting a race of Knickerbockers 
that should rise to be great men in the land. 

The ship in which these illustrious adventurers set sail was called the 
Goede Vrouw, or good woman, in compliment to the wife of the Presi- 
dent of the West India Company, who was allowed by everybody (ex- 
cept her husband) to be a sweet-tempered lady — when not in liquor. 
It was in truth a most gallant vessel, of the most approved Dutch con- 
stru6tion, and made by the ablest ship-carpenters o^ Amsterdam, who, it 
is well known, always model their ships after the fair forms of their 

[42 ] 



Ch.ii] New York ^c. 

countrywomen. Accordingly, it had one hundred feet in the beam, one 
hundred feet in the keel, and one hundred feet from the bottom of the 
stern-post to the taffrail. Like the beauteous model, who was declared 
to be the greatest belle in Amsterdam^ it was full in the bows, with a 
pair of enormous cat-heads, a copper bottom, and withal a most pro- 
digious poop ! 

The architect, who was somewhat of a religious man, far from deco- 
rating the ship with pagan idols, such as 'Jupiter^ Neptune, or Hercules 
(which heathenish abominations, I have no doubt, occasion the misfor- 
tunes and shipwreck of many a noble vessel), — he, I say, on the con- 
trary, did laudably ere6l for a head a goodly image of St. Nicholas, 
equipped with a low, broad-brimmed hat, a huge pair of Flemish trunk- 
hose, and a pipe that reached to the end of the bowsprit. Thus gallantly 
furnished, the stanch ship floated sideways, like a majestic goose, out 
of the harbor of the great city of aAmsterdam, and all the bells that 
were not otherwise engaged rang a triple bob-major on the joyful oc- 
casion. 

My great-great-grandfather remarks that the voyage was uncommonly 
prosperous, for, being under the especial care of the ever-revered St. 
Nicholas, the Goede Vrouw seemed to be endowed with qualities un- 
known to common vessels. Thus she made as much leeway as headway, 
could get along very nearly as fast with the wind ahead as when it was 
a-poop, and was particularly great in a calm ; in consequence of which 
singular advantages she made out to accomplish her voyage in a very 
few months, and came to anchor at the mouth of the Hudson, a little 
to the east of Gibbet Island. 

Here, lifting up their eyes, they beheld, on what is at present called 
the ^Jersey shore, a small Indian village pleasantly embowered in a 
grove of spreading elms, and the natives all coUefted on the beach, 
gazing in stupid admiration at the Goede Vroww. A boat was immedi- 
ately despatched to enter into a treaty with them, and, approaching the 
shore, hailed them through a trumpet in the most friendly terms ; but 
so horribly confounded were these poor savages at the tremendous and 
uncouth sound of the Low-Dutch language, that they one and all took 
to their heels and scampered over the Bergen hills ; nor did they stop 
until they had buried themselves, head and ears, in the marshes on the 
other side, where they all miserably perished to a man ; and their 
bones, being colle6ted and decently covered by the Tammatiy Society 
of that day, formed that singular mound called Rattlesnake Hill, 
which rises out of the centre of the salt marshes a little to the east of 
the Newark Causeway. 

[ 43 ] 



A History of [Bk. n 

Animated by this unlooked-for viftorv, our valiant heroes sprang 
ashore in triumph, took possession of the soil as conquerors, in the 
name of their High Mightinesses the hords States General, and, march- 
ing fearlessly forward, carried the village of Communipaw by storm, 
notwithstanding that it was vigorously defended by some halt a score 
of old squaws and pappooses. On looking about them, they were so 
transported with the excellencies of the place that they had very little 
doubt the blessed St. Nicholas had guided them thither, as the very 
spot whereon to settle their colony. The softness of the soil was won- 
derfully adapted to the driving of piles, the swamps and marshes 
around them afforded ample opportunities for the constru(^fing of 
dykes and dams, the shallowness of the shore was peculiarly favorable 
to the building of docks, — in a word, this spot abounded with all the 
requisites for the foundation of a great Dutch city. On making a faith- 
ful report, therefore, to the crew of the Goede Vrouiv, they one and all 
determined that this was the destined end of their voyage. Accordingly, 
they descended from the Goede Vroini\ men, women, and children, in 
goodly groups, as did the animals of yore from the ark, and tormed 
themselves into a thriving settlement, which they called by the Indian 
name Communipaw. 

As all the world is doubtless perfectly acquainted with Communipaiv, it 
may seem somewhat superfluous to treat of it in the present work ; 
but my readers will please to recoiled:, notwithstanding it is my chief 
desire to satisfy the present age, yet I write likewise for posterity, and 
have to consult the understanding and curiosity of some half a score of 
centuries yet to come, by which time, perhaps, were it not for this 
invaluable history, the great Cofnmufiipaiv, like Babylon, Carthage, Nin- 
eveh, and other great cities, might be perfectly extindl:, — sunk and 
forgotten in its own mud, — its inhabitants turned into oysters,* and 
even its situation a fertile subjedf of learned controversy and hard- 
headed investigation among indefatigable historians. Let me then 
piously rescue from oblivion the humble relics of a place which was 
the egg from whence was hatched the mighty city of New York ! 
Communipaw is at present but a small village, pleasantly situated, 
among rural scenery, on that beauteous part of the Jersey shore which 
was known in ancient legends by the name of Pavonia,-f and commands 
a grand prospect of the superb bay of New York. It is within but half 
an hour's sail of the latter place, provided you have a fair wind, and 

* Men by inaftion degenerate into oysters. — Kaimes. 

t Pavonia, in the ancient maps, is given to a traft of country extending from about Hobokin to 

Amboy. 

[ 44 ] 



I'l 



I I'll 



.,-^-y 



,|,l| 



ll'l 



I nil I 



llill 




.■iiijjs 



#■ 



Saifit Nicholas. 



Ch. II] N E W Y O R K &^C, 



may be distindly seen from the city. Nay, it is a well-known fad, 
which I can testify from my own experience, that on a clear, still 
summer evening, you may hear, from the Battery of New York, the 
obstreperous peals of broad-mouthed laughter of the Dutch negroes at 
Communipaw, who, like most other negroes, are famous for their risible 
powers. This is peculiarly the case on Sunday evenings, when, it is 
remarked by an ingenious and observant philosopher who has made 
great discoveries in the neighborhood of this city, that they always 
laugh loudest, which he attributes to the circumstance of their having 
their holiday clothes on. 

These negroes, in faft, like the monks of the dark ages, engross all the 
knowledge of the place, and, being infinitely more adventurous and 
more knowing than their masters, carry on all the foreign trade, mak- 
ing frequent voyages to town in canoes loaded with oysters, butter- 
milk, and cabbages. They are great astrologers, prediding the differ- 
ent changes of weather almost as accurately as an almanac ; they are, 
moreover, exquisite performers on three-stringed fiddles ; in whistling 
they almost boast the far-famed powers of Orpheus s lyre, for not a 
horse or an ox in the place, when at the plough or before the wagon, 
will budge a foot until he hears the well-known whistle of his black 
driver and companion ; and from their amazing skill at casting up 
accounts upon their fingers, they are regarded with as much veneration 
as were the disciples of Pythagoras of yore, when initiated into the sa- 
cred quaternary of numbers. 

As to the honest burghers of Commumpaw^ like wise men and sound 
philosophers, they never look beyond their pipes, nor trouble their 
heads about any affairs out of their immediate neighborhood ; so that 
they live in profound and enviable ignorance of all the troubles, anxi- 
eties, and revolutions of this distracted planet. I am even told that 
many among them do verily believe that Holland, of which they have 
heard so much from tradition, is situated somewhere on Long Island, 
that Spiking-devil and the Narrows are the two ends of the world, that 
the country is still under the dominion of their High Mightinesses, 
and that the city of New York still goes by the name of Nieuw Amster- 
dam. They meet every Saturday afternoon at the only tavern in the 
place, which bears as a sign a square-headed likeness of the Prince of 
Orange, where they smoke a silent pipe, by way of promoting social 
conviviality, and invariably drink a mug of cider to the success of Ad- 
miral Van Tromp, who they imagine is still sweeping the British Chan- 
nel, with a broom at his mast-head. 
Communipaw, in short, is one of the numerous little villages in the 

[45 ] 



A History ^r. [Bk. 



II 



vicinity of this most beautiful of cities, which are so many strongholds 
and fastnesses, whither the primitive manners of our Dutch forefathers 
have retreated, and where they are cherished with devout and scru- 
pulous striftness. The dress of the original settlers is handed down in- 
violate from father to son : the identical broad-brimmed hat, broad- 
skirted coat, and broad-bottomed breeches continue from generation 
to generation ; and several gigantic knee-buckles of massy silver are 
still in wear that made gallant display in the days of the patriarchs of 
Communipaw. The language likewise continues unadulterated by bar- 
barous innovations ; and so critically correct is the village schoolmaster 
in his dialeft, that his reading of a Low-Dutch psalm has much the 
same effect on the nerves as the filing of a handsaw. 



Cha 

[ 46 ] 



Chapter iii 



IN WHICH is set forth the True Art of ??iakjng a Bar- 
gain^ together with the Miraculous Escape of a Great Metropolis in a Fog, 
and the Biography of certain Heroes ^/'Communipaw. 

HAVING, in the trifling digression which concluded the 
last chapter, discharged the filial duty which the city of 
NeuD York owed to Communipaw, as being the mother set- 
tlement, and having given a faithful pidure of it as it 
stands at present, I return with a soothing sentiment of 
self-approbation to dwell upon its early history. The crew of the Goede 
Vrouw being soon reinforced by fresh inriportations from Holland, the 
settlement went jollily on, increasing in magnitude and prosperity. 
The neighboring Indians in a short time became accustomed to the 
uncouth sound of the Dutch language, and an intercourse gradually 
took place between them and the new-comers. The Indians were much 
given to long talks and the Dutch to long silence ; in this particular, 
therefore, they accommodated each other completely. The chiefs would 
make long speeches about the big bull, the Wabash, and the Great Spirit, 
to which the others would listen very attentively, smoke their pipes, 
and grunt yah, myn-her, — whereat the poor savages were wondrously 
delighted. They instru6led the new settlers in the best art of curing and 
smoking tobacco, while the latter, in return, made them drunk with 
true Hollands, and then taught them the art of making bargains. 
A brisk trade for furs was soon opened. The Dutch traders were scru- 
pulously honest in their dealings, and purchased by weight, establishing 
it as an invariable table of avoirdupois that the hand of a Dutchman 
weighed one pound, and his foot two pounds. It is true, the simple 
Indians were often puzzled by the great disproportion between bulk 
and weight, for let them place a bundle of furs, never so large, in one 
scale, and a Dutchman put his hand or foot in the other, the bundle 
was sure to kick the beam ; never was a package of furs known to 
weigh more than two pounds in the market of Communipaw ! 
This is a singular fa6l, but I have it direft from my great-great- 
grandfather, who had risen to considerable importance in the colony, 
being promoted to the office of weigh-master, on account of the un- 
common heaviness of his foot. 

[ 47 ] 



A History of [Bk. h 

The 'Dutch possessions in this part of the globe began now to assume 
a very thriving appearance, and were comprehended under the general 
title of Nieuw Nederlandts, on account, as the sage Vander Donck ob- 
serves, of their great resemblance to the Dutch Netherlands, — which 
indeed was truly remarkable, excepting that the former were rugged 
and mountainous, and the latter level and marshy. About this time the 
tranquillity of the Dutch colonists was doomed to suffer a temporary 
interruption. In 1614, Captain Sir Samuel Ar gal, sailing under a com- 
mission from Dale, governor of Virginia, visited the Dutch settlements 
on Hudson River and demanded their submission to the English crown 
and Virg'nian dominion. To this arrogant demand, as they were in no 
condition to resist it, they submitted for the time, like discreet and 
reasonable men. 

It does not appear that the valiant Argal molested the settlement of 
Communipaw; on the contrary, I am told that when his vessel first hove 
in sight, the worthy burghers were seized with such a panic that they 
fell to smoking their pipes with astonishing vehemence, insomuch 
that they quickly raised a cloud which, combining with the surround- 
ing woods and marshes, completely enveloped and concealed their be- 
loved village and overhung the fair regions of Pavonia, — so that the 
terrible Captain Argal passed on, totally unsuspicious that a sturdy 
little Dutch settlement lay snugly couched in the mud, under cover of 
all this pestilent vapor. In commemoration of this fortunate escape, the 
worthy inhabitants have continued to smoke, almost without intermis- 
sion, unto this very day, which is said to be the cause of the remark- 
able fog which often hangs over Communipaw of a clear afternoon. 
Upon the departure of the enemy, our worthy ancestors took full six 
months to recover their wind and get over the consternation into which 
they had been thrown. They then called a council of safety to smoke 
over the state of the province. At this council presided one Oloffe Van 
Kortlandt, a personage who was held in great reverence among the 
sages of Communipaw for the variety and darkness of his knowledge. 
He had originally been one of a set of peripatetic philosophers who 
passed much of their time sunning themselves on the side of the great 
canal oi Amsterdam in Holland, enjoying, like Diogenes, a free and un- 
encumbered estate in sunshine. His name, Kortlandt (Shortland or Lack- 
land), was supposed, like that of the illustrious Jean Sansterre, to indi- 
cate that he had no land ; but he insisted, on the contrary, that he had 
great landed estates somewhere in I'erra Incognita, and he had come 
out to the new world to look after them. He was the first great land- 
speculator that we read of in these parts. 

[ 48 ] 



ch.iii] New York ^c. 

Like all land-speculators, he was much given to dreaming. Never did 
anything extraordinary happen at Comniunipaw but he declared that he 
had previously dreamt it, being one of those infallible prophets who 
predict events after they have come to pass. This supernatural gift was 
as highly valued among the burghers of Pavonia as among the enlight- 
ened nations of antiquity. The wise U/ysses was more indebted to his 
sleeping than his waking moments for his most subtle achievements, 
and seldom undertook any great exploit without first soundly sleeping 
upon it ; and the same may be said of Oloffe Van Kort/andt, who was 
thence aptly denominated Oloffe the Dreamer. 

As yet his dreams and speculations had turned to little personal profit, 
and he was as much a lack-land as ever. Still he carried a high head in 
the community ; if his sugar-loaf hat was rather the worse for wear, he 
set it off with a taller cock's-tail ; if his shirt was none of the cleanest, 
he puffed it out the more at the bosom ; and if the tail of it peeped 
out of a hole in his breeches, it at least proved that it really had a tail 
and was not mere rufile. 

The worthy Van Kortlandt, in the council in question, urged the policy 
of emerging from the swamps of Communipaw and seeking some more 
eligible site for the seat of empire. Such, he said, was the advice of the 
good St. Nicholas, who had appeared to him in a dream the night 
before, and whom he had known by his broad hat, his long pipe, and 
the resemblance which he bore to the figure on the bow of the Goede 
Vrouw. 

Many have thought this dream was a mere invention of Oloffe Van 
Kortlandt, who, it is said, had ever regarded Communipaw with an evil 
eye, because he had arrived there after all the land had been shared out, 
and who was anxious to'^change the seat of empire to some new place, 
where he might be present at the distribution of "town lots." But we 
must not give heed to such insinuations, which are too apt to be ad- 
vanced against those worthy gentlemen engaged in laying out towns 
and in other land-speculations. For my own part, I am disposed to 
place the same implicit faith in the vision of Oloffe the Dreamer that 
was manifested by the honest burghers of Communipaw, who one and 
all agreed that an expedition should be forthwith fitted out to go on a 
voyage of discovery in quest of a new seat of empire. 
This perilous enterprise was to be conduced by Oloffe himself, who 
chose as lieutenants or coadjutors Mynheers Abraham Hardenbroeck, 
Jacobus Van Zandt, and Winant Ten Broeck, — three indubitably great 
men, but of whose history, although I have made diligent inquiry, I 
can learn but little previous to their leaving Holland. Nor need this 

[ 49 ] 



A History of [Bk. 



II 



occasion much surprise ; for adventurers, like prophets, though they 
make great noise abroad, have seldom much celebrity in their own 
countries; but this much is certain, that the overflowings and off- 
scourings of a country are invariably composed of the richest parts of 
the soil. And here I cannot help remarking how convenient it would 
be to many of our great men and great families of doubtful origin, 
could they have the privilege of the heroes of yore, who, whenever 
their origin was involved in obscurity, modestly announced themselves 
descended from a god, and who never visited a foreign country but 
what they told some cock-and-bull stories about their being kings and 
princes at home. This venal trespass on the truth, though it has been 
occasionally played off by some pseudo-marquis, baronet, and other 
illustrious foreigner, in our land of good-natured credulity, has been 
completely discountenanced in this skeptical, matter-of-fa6t age ; and 
I even question whether any tender virgin who was accidentally and 
unaccountably enriched with a bantling would save her charader at 
parlor firesides and evening tea-parties by ascribing the phenomenon 
to a swan, a shower of gold, or a river-god. 

Had I the benefit of mythology and classic fable above alluded to, I 
should have furnished the first of the trio with a pedigree equal to 
that of the proudest hero of antiquity. His name. Van Zandt (that is to 
%ii^,from the sand, or, in common parlance, from the dirt), gave reason 
to suppose that, like Triptolemus, Themes, the Cyclops, and the Titans, he 
had sprung from Dame Terra, or the earth ! This supposition is strongly 
corroborated by his size, for it is well known that all the progeny of 
mother earth were of a gigantic stature ; and Van Zandt, we are told, 
was a tall, raw-boned man, above six feet high, with an astonishingly 
hard head. Nor is this origin of the illustrious Van Zandt a whit more 
improbable or repugnant to belief than what is related and universally 
admitted of certain of our greatest, or rather richest, men, who, we 
are told with the utmost gravity, did originally spring from a dunghill ! 
Of the second of the trio but faint accounts have reached to this time, 
which mention that he was a sturdy, obstinate, worrying, bustling little 
man, and, from being usually equipped in an old pair of buckskins, 
was familiarly dubbed Harden Broeck—thzi is to say, Hardin the Breech, 
or, as it was generally rendered, Tough Breeches. 

Ten Broeck completed this junto of adventurers. It is a singular but 
ludicrous faft (which, were I not scrupulous in recording the whole 
truth, I should almost be tempted to pass over in silence, as incompat- 
ible with the gravity and dignity of history) that this worthy gentle- 
man should likewise have been nicknamed from what in modern times 

[ 50] 



ch.iii] New York ^c. 

is considered the most ignoble part of the dress. But, in truth, the small- 
clothes seems to have been a very dignified garment in the eyes of our 
venerated ancestors, in all probability from its covering that part of the 
body w^hich has been pronounced "the seat of honor." 
The name of 'Ten Broeck, or, as it was sometimes spelled, Tm Broeck, 
has been indifferently translated into Ten Breeches and Tin Breeches. 
Certain elegant and ingenious writers on the subject declare in favor 
of Tin, or rather Thin, Breeches ; whence they infer that the original 
bearer of it was a poor but merry rogue whose galligaskins were none 
of the soundest, and who, peradventure, may have been the author of 
that truly philosophical stanza : 

Then why should ive quarrel for riches. 

Or any such glittering toys ; 
A light heart and thin pair of breeches 

Will go through the world, my brave boys ! 

The more accurate commentators, however, declare in favor of the 
other reading, and affirm that the worthy in question was a burly, bul- 
bous man, who, in sheer ostentation of his honorable progenitors, was 
the first to introduce into the settlement the ancient Dutch fashion of 
ten pair of breeches. 

Such was the trio of coadjutors chosen by Oloffe the Dreamer to accom- 
pany him in this voyage into unknown realms. As to the names of his 
crews, they have not been handed down by history. 
Having, as I before observed, passed much of his life in the open air, 
among the peripatetic 'philosophers oi Amsterdam, Oloffe hzd become 
familiar with the aspeft of the heavens, and could as accurately deter- 
mine when a storm was brewing or a squall rising as a dutiful husband 
can foresee from the brow of his spouse when a tempest is gathering 
about his ears. Having pitched upon a time for his voyage when the 
skies appeared propitious, he exhorted all his crews to take a good 
night's rest, wind up their family affairs, and make their wills — pre- 
cautions taken by our forefathers even in after-times when they became 
more adventurous, and voyaged to Haverstraw, or Kaatskill, or Groodt 
Esopus, or any other far country, beyond the great waters of the Tap- 
paan Zee. 



Ch 

[ 5^ ] 



Chapter iv 



HOW the Heroes of Communipaw voyaged to Hell-Gate, 
and how they were received There. 

;A ND now the rosy blush of morn began to mantle in the east, 
f^L and soon the rising sun, emerging from amidst golden and 
• ^ purple clouds, shed his blithesome rays on the tin weather- 
/ ^ cocks of Communipaw. It was that delicious season of the 
year when nature, breaking from the chilling thraldom 
of old winter, like a blooming damsel from the tyranny of a sordid old 
father, threw herself, blushing with ten thousand charms, into the arms 
of youthful spring. Every tufted copse and blooming grove resounded 
with the notes of hymeneal love. The very inserts, as they sipped the 
dew that gemmed the tender grass of the meadows, joined in the joyous 
epithalamium ; the virgin bud timidly put forth its blushes ; "the voice 
of the turtle was heard in the land," and the heart of man dissolved 
away in tenderness. O sweet Theocritus I had I thine oaten reed, where- 
with thou erst did charm the gay Sicilian plains ; or, O gentle Bion ! 
thy pastoral pipe, wherein the happy swains of the Lesbian isle so 
much delighted, then might I attempt to sing, in soft Bucolic or neg- 
ligent Idyllium, the rural beauties of the scene; — but having nothing, 
save this jaded goosequill, wherewith to wing my flight, I must tain 
resign all poetic disportings of the fancy and pursue my narrative in 
humble prose, comforting myself with the hope that though it may 
not steal so sweetly upon the imagination of my reader, yet it may com- 
mend itself with virgin modesty to his better judgment clothed in the 
chaste and simple garb ot truth. 

No sooner did the first rays of cheerful Phoebus dart into the windows 
of Communipaw., than the little settlement was all in motion. Forth 
issued from his castle the sage Van Kortlandt, and, seizing a conch shell, 
blew a far-resounding blast that soon summoned all his lusty followers. 
Then did they trudge resolutely down to the water-side, escorted by a 
multitude of relatives and friends, who all went down, as the common 
phrase expresses it, " to see them off." And this shows the antiquity of 
those long family processions often seen in our city, composed of all 
ages, sizes, and sexes, laden with bundles and bandboxes, escorting some 
bevy of country cousins about to depart for home in a market-boat. 

[ 52 ] 



Ch. iv] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

The good O/qfe bestowed his forces in a squadron of three canoes, and 
hoisted his flag on board a little round Dutch boat, shaped not unlike 
a tub, which had formerly been the jolly-boat of the Goec^e Vrouw. 
And now, all being embarked, they bade farewell to the gazing throng 
upon the beach, who continued shouting after them, even when out 
of hearing, wishing them a happy voyage, advising them to take good 
care of themselves not to get drowned, with an abundance other of 
those sage and invaluable cautions generally given by landsmen to 
such as go down to the sea in ships and adventure upon the deep 
waters. In the meanwhile the voyagers cheerily urged their course 
across the crystal bosom of the bay, and soon left behind them the 
green shores of ancient Pavonia. 

And first they touched at two small islands which lay nearly opposite 
Communipaw, and which are said to have been brought into existence 
about the time of the great irruption of the Hudson when it broke 
through the Highlands and made its way to the ocean ; * for, in this 
tremendous uproar of the waters, we are told that many huge fragments 
of rock and land were rent from the mountains and swept down by 
this runaway river for sixty or seventy miles, where some of them 
ran aground on the shoals just opposite Communipaw and formed the 
identical islands iji question, while others drifted out to sea and were 
never heard of more ! A sufficient proof of the fa6l is, that the rock 
which forms the bases of these islands is exactly similar to that of the 
Highlands^ and, moreover, one of our philosophers, who has diligently 
compared the agreement of their respeftive surfaces, has even gone so 
far as to assure me, in confidence, that Gibbet Island was originally 
nothing more nor less than a wart on Anthony s nose-j- 
Leaving these wonderful little isles, they next coasted by Governor s 
Island, since terrible from its frowning fortress and grinning batteries. 
They would by no means, however, land upon this island, since they 
doubted much it might be the abode of demons and spirits, which in 
those days did greatly abound throughout this savage and pagan country. 
Just at this time a shoal of jolly porpoises came rolling and tumbling 

• It is a matter long since established by certain of our philosophers (that is to say, having been 
often advanced, and never contradifted, it has grown to be pretty nigh equal to a settled faft), 
that the Hudson was originally a lake dammed up by the mountains of the Highlands. In process 
of time, however, becoming very mighty and obstreperous, and the mountains waxing pursy, 
dropsical, and weak in the back, by reason of their extreme old age, it suddenly rose upon them, 
and after a violent struggle effedled its escape. This is said to have come to pass in very remote 
time, probably before that rivers had lost the art of running uphill. The foregoing is a theory in 
which I do not pretend to be skilled, notwithstanding that I do fully give it my belief, 
t A promontory in the Highlands. 

[ 53 ] 



A History of [Bk. n 

by, turning up their sleek, sides to the sun, and spouting up the briny 
element in sparkling showers. No sooner did the sage Oloffe mark this 
than he was greatly rejoiced. "This," exclaimed he, "if I mistake not, 
augurs well; the porpoise is a fat, well-conditioned fish, — a bur- 
gomaster among fishes, — his looks betoken ease, plenty, and prosperity ; 
I greatly admire this round, fat fish, and doubt not but this is a happy 
omen of the success of our undertaking." So saying, he directed his 
squadron to steer in the track of these alderman fishes. 
Turning, therefore, direftly to the left, they swept up the strait vul- 
garly called the East River. And here the rapid tide which courses 
through this strait, seizing on the gallant tub in which Commodore 
Van Kortlandt had embarked, hurried it forward with a velocity un- 
paralleled in a Dutch boat navigated by Dutchmen — insomuch that the 
good commodore, who had all his life long been accustomed only to 
the drowsy navigation of canals, was more than ever convinced that 
they were in the hands of some supernatural power, and that the jolly 
porpoises were towing them to some fair haven that was to fulfil all 
their wishes and expectations. 

Thus borne away by the resistless current, they doubled that boisterous 
point of land since called Corlears Hook,* and leaving to the right the 
rich winding cove of the Wallabout, they drifted into a magnificent 
expanse of water, surrounded by pleasant shores whose verdure was 
exceedingly refreshing to the eye. While the voyagers were looking 
around them, on what they conceived to be a serene and sunny lake, 
they beheld at a distance a crew of painted savages, busily employed 
in fishing, who seemed more like the genii of this romantic region, 
their slender canoe lightly balanced like a feather on the undulating 
surface of the bay. 

At sight of these the hearts of the heroes of Communipaiv were not a 
little troubled. But, as good-fortune would have it, at the bow of the 
commodore's boat was stationed a very valiant man, named Hendrick 
Kip (which, being interpreted, means chicken^ a name given him in 
token of his courage). No sooner did he behold these varlet heathens 
than he trembled with excessive valor, and, although a good half-mile 
distant, he seized a musketoon that lay at hand, and, turning away his 
head, fired it most intrepidly in the face of the blessed sun. The blun- 
dering weapon recoiled and gave the valiant Kip an ignominious kick 
which laid him prostrate, with uplifted heels, in the bottom of the boat. 
But such was the effeft of this tremendous fire that the wild men of 

• Properly spelt hotck (/. e. a point of land). 

[ 54] 



Ch. iv] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

the woods, struck with consternation, seized hastily upon their paddles 
and shot away into one of the deep inlets of the Long Island shore. 
This signal viftory gave new spirits to the voyagers, and in honor of 
the achievement they gave the name of the valiant Kip to the surround- 
ing bay, and it has continued to be called Kip's Bay from that time to 
the present. The heart of the good Fan Kortlandt, who, having no 
land of his own, was a great admirer of other people's, expanded to 
the full size of a pepper-corn at the sumptuous prospeft of rich un- 
settled country around him, and, falling into a delicious revery, he 
straightway began to riot in the possession of vast meadows of salt 
marsh and interminable patches of cabbages. From this delectable vis- 
ion he was all at once awakened by the sudden turning of the tide, 
which would soon have hurried him from this land of promise had 
not the discreet navigator given signal to steer for shore, where they 
accordingly landed, hard by the rocky heights of Bellevue, that happy 
retreat where our jolly aldermen eat for the good of the city and fat- 
ten the turtle that are sacrificed on civic solemnities. 
Here, seated on the greensward, by the side of a small stream that ran 
sparkling among the grass, they refreshed themselves after the toils of 
the seas, by feasting lustily on the ample stores which they had pro- 
vided for this perilous voyage. Thus having well fortified their delib- 
erative powers, they fell into an earnest consultation what was farther 
to be done. This was the first council-dinner ever eaten at Bellevue 
by Christian burghers ; and here, as tradition relates, did originate the 
great family feud between the Hardenbroecks and the Tenbroecks, which 
afterwards had a singular influence on the building of the city. The 
sturdy Hardenbroecks whose eyes had been wondrously delighted with 
the salt marshes which spread their reeking bosoms along the coast at 
the bottom of Kifs Bay, counselled by all means to return thither and 
found the intended city. This was strenuously opposed by the unbend- 
ing Ten Broeck, and many testy arguments passed between them. The 
particulars of this controversy have not reached us, which is ever to 
be lamented. This much is certain, that the sage Oloffe put an end to 
the dispute by determining to explore still farther in the route which 
the mysterious porpoises had so clearly pointed out ; whereupon the 
sturdy Tough Breeches abandoned the expedition, took possession of a 
neighboring hill, and, in a fit of great wrath, peopled all that traft of 
country, which has continued to be inhabited by the Hardenbroecks 
unto this very day. 

By this time the jolly Phoebus, like some wanton urchin sporting on 
the side of a green hill, began to roll down the declivity of the hea- 

[ SS ] 



A History of [Bk.h 

vens ; and now, the tide having once more turned in their favor, the Pa- 
vonians again committed themselves to its discretion, and, coasting along 
the wfestern shores, were borne towards the straits of B/ackivelfs Island. 
And here the capricious wanderings of the current occasioned not a 
little marvel and perplexity to these illustrious mariners. Now would 
they be caught by the wanton eddies, and, sweeping round a jutting 
point, would wind deep into some romantic little cove that indented 
the fair island oi Manna-hatta ; now were they hurried narrowly by the 
very bases of impending rocks mantled with the flaunting grape-vine 
and crowned with groves which threw a broad shade on the waves 
beneath, and anon they were borne away into the mid-channel and 
wafted along with a rapidity that very much discomposed the sage 
Van KortlanJt, who, as he saw the land swiftly receding on either side, 
began exceedingly to doubt that terra Jirma was giving them the slip. 
Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes, a new creation seemed to 
bloom around. No signs of human thrift appeared to check the delicious 
wildness of Nature, who here revelled in all her luxuriant variety. Those 
hills, now bristled, like the fretful porcupine, with rows of poplars 
(vain upstart plants ! minions of wealth and fashion ! ) , were then adorned 
with the vigorous natives of the soil : the lordly oak, the generous 
chestnut, the graceful elm ; while here and there the tulip-tree reared 
its majestic head, the giant of the forest. Where now are seen the gay 
retreats of luxury, — villas half buried in twilight bowers, whence the 
amorous flute oft breathes the sighings of some city swain, — there the 
fish-hawk built his solitary nest on some dry tree that overlooked his 
watery domain. The timid deer fed undisturbed along those shores now 
hallowed by the lover's moonlight walk and printed by the slender 
foot of beauty, and a savage solitude extended over those happy re- 
gions where now are reared the stately towers of the Joneses, the Sc/ier- 
mer/iornes, and the R/i/ne/am/ers. 

Thus gliding in silent wonder through these new and unknown scenes, 
the gallant squadron of Pavonia swept by the foot of a promontory, 
which strutted forth boldly into the waves and seemed to frown upon 
them as they brawled against its base. This is the blufl^ well known 
to modern mariners by the name of Grade's Point, from the fair castle 
which, like an elephant, it carries upon its back. And here broke upon 
their view a wild and varied prospeft, where land and water were 
beauteously intermingled, as though they had combined to heighten 
and set off each other's charms. To the right lay the sedgy point of 
BlackwelFs Island, drest in the fresh garniture of living green ; be- 
yond it stretched the pleasant coast of Sundswick and the small harbor 

[ 56 ] 



ch.iv] New York ^c. 

well known by the name of Ha//efs Cove — a place infamous in latter 
days, by reason of its being the haunt of pirates who infest these seas, 
robbing orchards and watermelon patches and insulting gentlemen nav- 
igators when voyaging in their pleasure-boats. To the left a deep bay, 
or rather creek, gracefully receded between shores fringed with forests, 
and forming a kind of vista through which were beheld the sylvan re- 
gions of Hdcrlem, Morrisania^ and East Chester. Here the eye reposed 
with delight on a richly wooded country, diversified by tufted knolls, 
shadowy intervals, and waving lines of upland, swelling above each 
other, while over the whole the purple mists of spring diffused a hue 
of soft voluptuousness. 

Just before them, the grand course of the stream, making a sudden bend, 
wound among embowered promontories and shores of emerald verdure 
that seemed to melt into the wave. A charafter of gentleness and mild 
fertility prevailed around. The sun had just descended, and the thin 
haze of twilight, like a transparent veil drawn over the bosom of virgin 
beauty, heightened the charms which it half concealed. 
Ah witching scenes of foul delusion ! Ah hapless voyagers, gazing 
with simple wonder on these Circean shores ! Such, alas ! are they, poor 
easy souls, who listen to the seductions of a wicked world, — treacher- 
ous are its smiles, fatal its caresses ! He who yields to its enticements 
launches upon a whelming tide, and trusts his feeble bark among the 
dimpling eddies of a whirlpool ! And thus it fared with the worthies 
of Pavoiiia, who, little mistrusting the guileful scene before them, 
drifted quietly on unlil they were aroused by an uncommon tossing 
and agitation of their vessels, for now the late dimpling current began 
to brawl around them, and the waves to boil and foam with horrific 
fury. Awakened as if from a dream, the astonished Olqff'c bawled aloud 
to put about, but his words were lost amid the roaring of the waters. 
And now ensued a scene of direful consternation. At one time they 
were borne with dreadful velocity among tumultuous breakers, at an- 
other hurried down boisterous rapids. Now they were nearly dashed 
upon the Hen and Chickens (infamous rocks ! — more voracious than 
Scylla and her whelps), and anon they seemed sinking into yawning 
gulfs that threatened to entomb them beneath the waves. All the ele- 
ments combined to produce a hideous confusion. The waters raged, 
the winds howled ; and, as they were hurried along, several of the as- 
tonished mariners beheld the rocks and trees of the neighboring shores 
driving through the air ! 

At length the mighty tub of Commodore Van Kortlandt was drawn into 
the vortex of that tremendous whirlpool called the Po/, where it was 

[ 57 ] 



A History of [Bk. n 

whirled about in giddy mazes until the senses of the good commander 
and his crew were overpowered by the horror of the scene and the 
strangeness of the revolution. 

How the gallant squadron oi Pavonia was snatched from the jaws of 
this modern Charybdis has never been truly made known ; for, so many 
survived to tell the tale, and, what is still more wonderful, told it in so 
many different ways, that there has ever prevailed a great variety of 
opinions on the subject. 

As to the commodore and his crew, when they came to their senses 
they found themselves stranded on the Lotig Island shore. The worthy 
commodore, indeed, used to relate many and wonderful stories of his 
adventures in this time of peril : how that he saw spedres flying in the 
air, and heard the yelling of hobgoblins, and put his hand into the pot 
when they were whirled round, and found the water scalding hot, and 
beheld several uncouth-looking beings seated on rocks and skimming it 
with huge ladles ; but particularly he declared with great exultation, 
that he saw the losel porpoises which had betrayed them into this peril, 
some broiling on the Gridiron, and others hissing on the Frying-pan ! 
These, however, were considered by many as mere fantasies of the com- 
modore while he lay in a trance (especially as he was known to be 
given to dreaming), and the truth of them has never been clearly ascer- 
tained. It is certain, however, that to the accounts of Oloffe and his 
followers may be traced the various traditions handed down of this 
marvellous strait : as how the Devil has been seen there, sitting astride 
of the Hog's Back and playing on the fiddle ; how he broils fish there 
before a storm, and many other stories in which we must be cautious 
of putting too much faith. In consequence of all these terrific circum- 
stances, the Pavonian commander gave this pass the name of Helk-gat, 
or, as it has been interpreted, Hell-Gate,"^ which it continues to bear 
at the present day. 

* This is a narrow strait in the Sound, at the distance of six miles above New Tork. It is dangerous 
to shipping, unless under the care of skilful pilots, by reason ot numerous rocks, shelves, and whirl- 
pools. These have received sundry appellations, such as the Gridiron, Frying-pan, Hog's Back, Pot, 
&c., and are very violent and turbulent at certain times of tide. Certain mealy-mouthed men, of 
squeamish consciences, who are loth to give the Devil his due, have softened the above charafter- 
istic name into Hurl-Gate, forsooth ! Let them take care how they venture into the Gate, or they 
may be hurled into the Pot before they are aware of it. The name of this strait, as given by our 
author, is supported by the map in Vander Donck's history, published in 1656; by Ogih'ie'i His- 
tory of America, 1671, as also by a journal, still extant, written in the i6th century, and to be 
found in Hazard's State Papers. And an old MS. written in French, speaking of various alterations 
in names about this city, observes, '■'■ De Helle-gat, trou d'Enfer, ils ont fait Hell-gate, Porte d'Enfer." 



Ch 



[ 58 ] 



Ch 



a D t e r 



HOW the Heroes of Communipaw returned somewhat 
wiser than they went, and how the Sage Oloffe dreamed a Dream, and the 
Dream that he dreamed. 

THE darkness of night had closed upon this disastrous day, 
and a doleful night was it to the shipwrecked Pavonians, 
whose ears were incessantly assailed with the raging of the 
elements and the howling of the hobgoblins that infested 
this perfidious strait. But when the morning dawned, the 
horrors of the preceding evening had passed away ; rapids, breakers, 
and whirlpools had disappeared ; the stream again ran smooth and 
dimpling, and, having changed its tide, rolled gently back towards the 
quarter where lay their much-regretted home. 

The woe-begone heroes of Communipaw eyed each other with rueful 
countenances ; their squadron had been totally dispersed by the late 
disaster. Some were cast upon the western shore, where, headed by one 
Ruleff Hopper, they took possession of all the country lying about the 
six-mile stone, which is held by the Hoppers at this present writing. 
The Waldrons were driven by stress of weather to a distant coast, where, 
having with them a jug of genuine Hollands, they were enabled to con- 
ciliate the savages, setting up a kind of tavern ; whence, it is said, did 
spring the fair town of Haerlem, in which their descendants have ever 
since continued to be reputable publicans. As to the Suydams, they were 
thrown upon the Lofrg Island coast, and may still be found in those 
parts. But the most singular luck attended the great Ten Broeck, who, 
falling overboard, was miraculously preserved from sinking by the mul- 
titude of his nether garments. Thus buoyed up, he floated on the waves 
like a merman, or like an angler's dobber, until he landed safely on a 
rock, where he was found the next morning busily drying his many 
breeches in the sunshine. 

I forbear to treat of the long consultation of Oloffe with his remaining 
followers, in which they determined that it would never do to found 
a city in so diabolical a neighborhood. Suffice it in simple brevity to 
say that they once more committed themselves, with fear and trem- 
bling, to the briny element, and steered their course back again through 
the scenes of their yesterday's voyage, determined no longer to roam 

[ 59 ] 



A History of [Bk. n 

in search of distant sites, but to settle themselves down in the marshy 
regions of Pavonia. 

Scarce, however, had they gained a distant view of Commu7i!paw, when 
they were encountered by an obstinate eddy, which opposed their home- 
ward voyage. Weary and dispirited as they were, they yet tugged a feeble 
oar against the stream, until, as if to settle the strife, half a score of 
potent billows rolled the tub of Commodore Van Kortlandt \\ig\\ and dry 
on the long point of an island which divided the bosom of the bay. 
Some pretend that these billows were sent by old Neptune to strand the 
expedition on a spot whereon was to be founded his stronghold in this 
western world ; others, more pious, attribute everything to the guard- 
ianship of the good St. Nicholas, — and after-events will be found to cor- 
roborate this opinion. Oloffe Van Kortlandt was a devout trencherman. 
Every repast was a kind of religious rite with him, and his first thought 
on finding him once more on dry ground was, how he should contrive 
to celebrate his wonderful escape from Hell-gate and all its horrors by 
a solemn banquet. The stores which had been provided for the voyage 
by the good housewives of Communipaw were nearly exhausted, but, in 
casting his eyes about, the commodore beheld that the shore abounded 
with oysters. A great store of these was instantly collefted, a fire was 
made at the foot of a tree, all hands fell to roasting and broiling and 
stewing and frying, and a sumptuous repast was soon set forth. This is 
thought to be the origin of those civic feasts with which, to the pre- 
sent day, all our public affairs are celebrated, and in which the oyster 
is ever observed to play an important part. 

On the present occasion, the worthy Van Kortlandt was observed to be 
particularly zealous in his devotions to the trencher ; for, having the 
cares of the expedition especially committed to his care, he deemed it 
incumbent on him to eat profoundly for the public good. In proportion 
as he filled himself to the very brim with the dainty viands before him 
did the heart of this excellent burgher rise up towards his throat, until 
he seemed crammed and almost choked with good eating and good- 
nature. And at such times it is, when a man's heart is in his throat, 
that he may more truly be said to speak from it, and his speeches 
abound with kindness and good fellowship. Thus, having swallowed 
the last possible morsel, and washed it down with a fervent potation, 
Oloffe felt his heart yearning, and his whole frame in a manner dilating 
with unbounded benevolence. Everything around him seemed excellent 
and delightful, and, laying his hands on each side of his capacious peri- 
phery, and rolling his half-closed eyes around on the beautiful diversity 
of land and water before him, he exclaimed, in a fat, half-smothered 

[ 60 ] 



Ch.v] N e w Y o r k &^c. 

voice, " What a charming prospeft ! " The words died away in his throat, 
he seemed to ponder on the fair scene for a moment, his eyelids heavily 
closed over their orbs, his head drooped upon his bosom, he slowly sank, 
upon the green turf, and a deep sleep stole gradually upon him. 
And the sage 0/o^e dreamed a dream, and lo ! the good St. Nicholas 
came riding over the tops of the trees in that self-same wagon wherein 
he brings his yearly presents to children, and he came and descended 
hard by where the heroes oi Communipaw had made their late repast ; and 
he lit his pipe by the fire and sat himself down and smoked, and, as he 
smoked, the smoke from his pipe ascended into the air and spread like 
a cloud overhead. And Oloffe bethought him, and he hastened and 
climbed up to the top of one of the tallest trees, and saw that the 
smoke spread over a great extent of country ; and, as he considered it 
more attentively, he fancied that the great volume of smoke assumed 
a variety of marvellous forms, where in dim obscurity he saw shadowed 
out palaces and domes and lofty spires, all of which lasted but a mo- 
ment and then faded away, until the whole rolled off and nothing but 
the green woods were left. And when St. Nicholas had smoked his pipe, 
he twisted it in his hatband, and, laying his finger beside his nose, gave 
the astonished Van Kortlandt a very significant look ; then, mounting 
his wagon, he returned over the tree-tops and disappeared. 
And Van Kortlandt awoke from his sleep greatly instructed ; and he 
aroused his companions and related to them his dream, and interpreted 
it that it was the will of St. Nicholas that they should settle down and 
build the city here, and that the smoke of the pipe was a type how 
vast would be the extent of the city, inasmuch as the volumes of its 
smoke would spread over a wide extent of country. And they all with 
one voice assented to this interpretation, excepting Mynheer "Ten Broeck, 
who declared the meaning to be that it would be a city wherein a little 
fire would occasion a great smoke, or, in other words, a very vaporing 
little city — both which interpretations have strangely come to pass ! 
The great object of their perilousexpedition, therefore, being thus happily 
accomplished, the voyagers returned merrily to Cotnfnunipaw, where they 
were received with great rejoicings. And here, calling a general meet- 
ing of all the wise men and the dignitaries of Pavonia, they related the 
whole history of their voyage and of the dream of Oloffe Van Kortlandt. 
And the people lifted up their voices and blessed the good St. Nicholas, 
and from that time forth the sage Van Kortlandt was held in more honor 
than ever for his great talent at dreaming, and was pronounced a most 
useful citizen and a right good man — when he was asleep. 

[ 6i ] 



Chapter vi 



CONTAINING an Attoupt at Etymology^ and of the 
Founding of the Great City o/^lBctO 3m,StCrDam. 

THE original name of the island whereon the squadron of 
Communipaw was thus propitiously thrown is a matter of 
some dispute, and has already undergone considerable vi- 
tiation — a melancholy proof of the instability of all sub- 
lunary things, and the vanity of all our hopes of lasting 
fame ; for, who can expeft his name will live to posterity, when even 
the names of mighty islands are thus soon lost in contradiftion and 
uncertainty ! 

The name most current at the present day, and which is likewise coun- 
tenanced by the great historian, Vander Donck, is Manhattan, which 
is said to have originated in a custom among the squaws, in the early 
settlement, of wearing men's hats, as is still done among many tribes. 
" Hence," as we are told by an old governor, who was somewhat of a 
wag, and flourished almost a century since, and had paid a visit to the 
wits oi Philadelphia, "hence arose the appellation of man-hat-on, first 
given to the Indians and afterwards to the island" — a stupid joke ! but 
well enough for a governor. 

Among the more venerable sources of information on this subjedl is 
that valuable history of the American possessions written by Master 
Richard Blotne, in 1687, wherein it is called Manhadaes and Manahanent ; 
nor must I forget the excellent little book, full of precious matter, of 
that authentic historian, "John Josselyn, Gent., who expressly calls it 
Manadaes. 

Another etymology, still more ancient, and san6lioned by the counte- 
nance of our ever-to-be-lamented Dutch ancestors, is that found in cer- 
tain letters, still extant,* which passed between the early governors and 
their neighboring powers, wherein it is called indifferently Monhattoes, 
Munhatos, and Manhattoes, which are evidently unimportant variations 
of the same name ; for, our wise forefathers set little store by those 
niceties either in orthography or orthoepy which form the sole study 
and ambition of many learned men and women of this hypercritical 

• Fide Hazard's Col. Stat. Pap. 

[ 62 ] 



Ch. vi] N E W Y O R K ^C. 



age. This last name is said to be derived from the great In^/ia/i spirit 
Manetho, who was supposed to make this island his favorite abode, on 
account of its uncommon delights , for, the Indian traditions affirm that 
the bay was once a translucid lake, filled with silver and golden fish, 
in the midst of which lay this beautiful island, covered with every 
variety of fruits and flowers, but that the sudden irruption of the Hud- 
son laid waste these blissful scenes, and Manetho took his flight beyond 
the great waters of Ontario. 

These, however, are very fabulous legends, to which very cautious 
credence must be given ; and though I am willing to admit the last- 
quoted orthography of the name as very fit for prose, yet is there an- 
other which I peculiarly delight in, as at once poetical, melodious, and 
significant, and which we have on the authority of Master Juet, who, 
in his account of the voyage of the great Hudson, calls this Manna- 
HATA — that is to say, the island of manna, or, in other words, a land 
flowing with milk and honey. 

Still, my deference to the learned obliges me to notice the opinion of 
the worthy Dominie Heckivelder, which ascribes the name to a great 
drunken bout held on the island by the Dutch discoverers, whereat they 
made certain of the natives most ecstatically drunk for the first time in 
their lives, who, being delighted with their jovial entertainment, gave 
the place the name oi Mannahattanink — that is to say, The Island ofj oily 
Topers, a name which it continues to merit to the present day.* 



•MSS. of the Rev. John Heckwelder, in the archives of the i^ew York Hiitorical Society. 



Ch 

[ 63 ] 



Chapter vii 



HOW the People of Pavonia migrated from Communipaw 
to the Island of Manna-hata, and how Oloffe t/ie Dreamer proved 
himself a Great Land-Speculator. 

IT having been solemnly resolved that the seat of empire should 
be removed from the green shores of Pavonia to the pleasant island 
of Manna-hata, everybody w^as anxious to embark under the 
standard of Oloffe the Dreamer, and to be among the first sharers 
of the promised land. A day was appointed for the grand migra- 
tion, and on that day little Cotnmunipaw was in a buzz and a bustle like 
a hive in swarming-time. Houses were turned inside out and stripped 
of the venerable furniture which had come from Holland; all the com- 
munity, great and small, black and white, man, woman, and child, was 
in commotion, forming lines from the houses to the water-side, like 
lines of ants from an ant-hill, everybody laden with some article of 
household furniture, while busy housewives plied backwards and for- 
wards along the lines, helping everything forward by the nimbleness of 
their tongues. 

By degrees a fleet of boats and canoes were piled up with all kinds of 
household articles : ponderous tables, chests of drawers resplendent with 
brass ornaments, quaint corner-cupboards, beds and bedsteads, with 
any quantity of pots, kettles, frying-pans, and Dutch ovens. In each boat 
embarked a whole family, from the robustious burgher down to the 
cats, dogs, and little negroes. In this way they set off across the mouth 
of the Hudson, under the guidance of Oloffe the Dreamer, who hoisted 
his standard on the leading boat. 

This memorable migration took place on the first of May, and was long 
cited in tradition as the grand moving. The anniversary of it was piously 
observed among the "sons of the pilgrims of Communipaw" by turning 
their houses topsy-turvy and carrying all the furniture through the 
streets, in emblem of the swarming of the parent-hive ; and this is the 
real origin of the universal agitation and "moving" by which this most 
restless of cities is literally turned out-of-doors on every May-day. 
As the little squadron from Communipaw drew near to the shores of 
Manna-hata, a sachem, at the head of a band of warriors, appeared to 
oppose their landing. Some of the most zealous of the pilgrims were 

[64] 



Ch.vii] New York ^c. 

for chastising this insolence with powder and ball, according to the ap- 
proved mode of discoverers ; but the sage 0/q^e gave them the signifi- 
cant sign o( St. Nicholas, laying his finger beside his nose and winking 
hard with one eye, whereupon his followers perceived that there was 
something sagacious in the wind. He now addressed the Indians in the 
blandest terms, and made such tempting display of beads, hawks'-bells 
and red blankets, that he was soon permitted to land, and a great land- 
speculation ensued. And here let me give the true story of the original 
purchase of the site of this renowned city, about which so much has 
been said and written. Some afBrm that the first cost was sixty guilders 
in money. The learned Dominie Heckwelder records a tradition * that the 
Dutch discoverers bargained for only so much land as the hide of a bul- 
lock would cover, but that they cut the hide in strips no thicker than a 
child's finger, so as to take in a large portion of their land, and to take in 
the Indians into the bargain. This, however, is an old fable which the 
worthy Dominie may have borrowed from antiquity. The true version 
is that Oloffe Van Kortlandt bargained for just so much land as a man 
could cover with his nether garments. The terms being concluded, he 
produced his friend Mynheer T'en Broeck as the man whose breeches 
were to be used in measurement. The simple savages, whose ideas of a 
man's nether garments had never expanded beyond the dimensions of a 
breech-clout, stared with astonishment and dismay as they beheld this 
bulbous-bottomed burgher peeled like an onion, and breeches after 
breeches spread forth over the land until they covered the ad:ual site 
of this venerable city. 

This is the true history of the adroit bargain by which the island of 
Manhattan was bought for sixty guilders ; and, in corroboration of it, I 
will add that Mynheer "Ten Breeches, for his services on this memorable 
occasion, was elevated to the office of land-measurer, which he ever 
afterwards exercised in the colony. 

• MSS. of the Rev. John Heckwelder, New York Historical Society 



Ch 

[ 65 ] 



Chapter viii 



OF THE Founding and Naming of the New City ; of the 
City Arms; and of the Direful Feud between Ten Breeches and Tough 
Breeches. 

THE land being thus fairly purchased of the Indians, a cir- 
cumstance very unusual in the history of colonization, and 
strongly illustrative of the honesty of our Dutch progeni- 
tors, a stockade fort and trading-house were forthwith 
erefted on an eminence in front of the place where the 
good St. Nicholas had appeared in a vision to Oloffe the Dreamer, and 
which, as has already been observed, was the identical place at present 
known as the Bowling Green. 

Around this fort a progeny of little Dutch-hmlx. houses, with tiled roofs 
and weathercocks, soon sprang up, nestling themselves under its walls 
for proteftion, as a brood of half-fledged chickens nestle under the wings 
of the mother hen. The whole was surrounded by an enclosure of strong 
palisadoes, to guard against any sudden irruption of the savages. Outside 
of these extended the corn-fields and cabbage-gardens of the community, 
with here and there an attempt at a tobacco-plantation — all covering 
those tracts of country at present called Broadway ^ Wall street, William 
street, and Pearl street. 

I must not omit to mention that, in portioning out the land, a goodly 
"bowerie," or farm, was allotted to the sage Oloffe in consideration of 
the service he had rendered to the public by his talent at dreaming ; 
and the site of his "bowerie" is known by the name oi Kortlandt (or 
Courtland) street to the present day. It is evident he was no longer de- 
serving of his old appellation of Lackland. 

And now, the infant settlement having advanced in age and stature, it 
was thought high time it should receive an honest Christian name. 
Hitherto it had gone by the original Indian name Manna-hata, or, as 
some will have it, '■'■The Manhattoes" ; but this was now decried as sav- 
age and heathenish and as tending to keep up the memory of the pagan 
brood that originally possessed it. Many were the consultations held 
upon the subjedt without coming to a conclusion, for, though every- 
body condemned the old name, nobody could invent a new one. At 
length, when the council was almost in despair, old Ruleff, remarkable 

[ 66 ] 



ch.viii] New York ^c. 

for the size and squareness of his head, proposed that they should call 
it New Amsterdam. The proposition took everybody by surprise ; it was 
so striking, so apposite, so ingenious. The name was adopted by accla- 
mation, and New Amsterdam the metropolis was thenceforth called. 
Still, however, the early authors of the province continued to call it 
by the quaint appellation of " The Manhattoes" and the poets fondly 
clung to the euphonious name of Manna-hata; but those are a kind of 
folk whose tastes and notions should go for nothing in matters of this 
kind. 

Having thus provided the embryo city with a name, the next was to 
give it an armorial bearing or device, as some cities have a rampant 
lion, others a soaring eagle — emblematical, no doubt, of the valiant and 
high-flying qualities of the inhabitants ; so, after mature deliberation, 
a sleek beaver was emblazoned on the city standard, as indicative of the 
amphibious origin and patient, persevering habits of the New Amster- 
dammers. 

The thriving state of the settlement and the rapid increase of houses 
soon made it necessary to arrange some plan upon which the city 
should be built ; but at the very first consultation held on the subjed 
a violent discussion arose, and I mention it with much sorrowing as 
being the first altercation on record in the councils of New Amsterdam. 
It was, in fad, a breaking forth of the grudge and heart-burning that 
had existed between those two eminent burghers. Mynheers Tenbroeck 
and Hardenbroeck, ever since their unhappy altercation on the coast of 
Bellevue. The great Hardenbroeck had waxed very wealthy and power- 
ful from his domains, which embraced the whole chain of Apulean 
mountains that stretched along the gulf of Kifs Bay, and from part of 
which his descendants have been expelled in latter ages by the power- 
ful clans of the 'Joneses and the Schermerhornes. 

An ingenious plan for the city was offered by Mynheer Hardenbroeck, 
who proposed that it should be cut up and intersected by canals, after 
the manner of the most admired cities in Holland. To this Mynheer 
Tenbroeck was diametrically opposed, suggesting, in place thereof, that 
they should run out docks and wharves, by means of piles driven into 
the bottom of the river, on which the town should be built. "By these 
means," said he triumphantly, "shall we rescue a considerable space of 
territory from these immense rivers, and build a city that shall rival 
Amsterdam, Venice, or any amphibious city in Europe" To this proposi- 
tion Hardenbroeck (or 'Tough Breeches) replied, with a look of as much 
scorn as he could possibly assume. He cast the utmost censure upon the 
plan of his antagonist, as being preposterous and against the very order 

[ 67 ] 



A History of [Bk. n 

of things, as he would leave to every true Hollander. " For what," said 
he, "is a town without canals? — it is like a body without veins and 
arteries, and must perish for want of a free circulation of the vital 
fluid." 'Ten Breeches, on the contrary, retorted with a sarcasm upon his 
antagonist, who was somewhat of an arid, dry-boned habit. He re- 
marked, that as to the circulation of the blood being necessary to exis- 
tence. Mynheer Tough Breeches was a living contradiction to his own 
assertion ; for everybody knew there had not a drop of blood circulated 
through his wind-dried carcase for good ten years, and yet there was 
not a greater busy-body in the whole colony. Personalities have seldom 
much effeft in making converts in argument, nor have I ever seen a 
man convinced of error by being convicted of deformity. At least, such 
was not the case at present. If Ten Breeches was very happy in sarcasm. 
Tough Breeches, who was a sturdy little man and never gave up the last 
word, rejoined with increasing spirit. Ten Breeches had the advantage 
of the greatest volubility, but Tough Breeches had that invaluable coat 
of mail in argument called obstinacy ; Ten Breeches had, therefore, the 
most mettle, but Tough Breeches the best bottom, so that, though Ten 
Breeches made a dreadful clattering about his ears, and battered and be- 
labored him with hard words and sound arguments, yet Tough Breeches 
hung on most resolutely to the last. They parted, therefore, as is usual 
in all arguments where both parties are in the right, without coming 
to any conclusion ; but they hated each other most heartily forever 
after, and a similar breach with that between the houses of Capulet and 
Montague did ensue between the families of Ten Breeches and Tough 
Breeches. 

I would not fatigue my reader with these dull matters of faft but that 
my duty as a faithful historian requires that I should be particular ; and, 
in truth, as I am now treating of the critical period when our city, like 
a young twig, first received the twists and turns which have since con- 
tributed to give it its present pifturesque irregularity, I cannot be too 
minute in detailing their first causes. 

After the unhappy altercation I have just mentioned, I do not find that 
anything farther was said on the subje6t worthy of being recorded. 
The council, consisting of the largest and oldest heads in the commu- 
nity, met regularly once a week to ponder on this momentous subject ; 
but either they were deterred by the war of words they had witnessed, 
or they were naturally averse to the exercise of the tongue and the 
consequent exercise of the brains ; certain it is, the most profound si- 
lence was maintained, the question as usual lay on the table, the mem- 
bers quietly smoked their pipes, making but few laws, without ever 

[ 68 ] 



ch.viii] New York ^c. 



enforcing any, and in the mean time the affairs of the settlement went 
on — as it pleased God. 

As most of the council were but little skilled in the mystery of com- 
binin^T pot-hooks and hangers, they determined most judiciously not to 
puzzle either themselves or posterity with voluminous records. The 
secretary, however, kept the minutes of the council with tolerable 
precision in a large vellum folio, fastened with massy brass clasps ; the 
journal of each meeting consisted but of two lines, stating in Dutch 
that "the council sat this day, and smoked twelve pipes, on the affairs 
of the colony ;" by which it appears that the first settlers did not regu- 
late their time by hours, but pipes, in the same manner as they meas- 
ure distances in Holland at this very time — an admirably exaft measure- 
ment, as a pipe in the mouth of a true-born Dutchman is never liable to 
those accidents and irregularities that are continually putting our clocks 
out of order. 

In this manner did the profound council of New Amsterdam smoke, 
and doze, and ponder, from week to week, month to month, and year 
to year, in what manner they should construct their infant settlement ; 
meanwhile, the town took care of itself, and, like a sturdy brat which is 
suffered to run about wild, unshackled by clouts and bandages and 
other abominations by which your notable nurses and sage old women 
cripple and disfigure the children of men, increased so rapidly in strength 
and magnitude, that before the honest burgomasters had determined upon 
a plan, it was too late to put it in execution, — whereupon they wisely 
abandoned the subjeft altogether. 



Cha 

[ 69 1 



Chapter ix 



HOW the City of New Amsterdam waxed great under the 
ProteSlion of St. Nicholas and the Absence of Laws and Statutes ; how 
Oloffe the Dreamer began to Dream of an extension of Empire, and of the 
EffeSt of his Dreams. 

THERE is something exceedingly delusive in thus looking 
back through the long vista of departed years, and catching 
a glimpse of the fairy realms of antiquity. Like a landscape 
melting into distance, they receive a thousand charms from 
their very obscurity, and the fancy delights to fill up their 
outlines with graces and excellences of its own creation. Thus loom on 
my imagination those happier days of our city, when as yet New Am- 
sterdam w^as a mere pastoral tow^n, shrouded in groves of sycamore and 
willows, and surrounded by trackless forests and wide-spreading waters, 
that seemed to shut out all the cares and vanities of a wicked world. 
In those days did this embryo city present the rare and noble spedacle 
of a community governed without laws ; and thus, being left to its own 
course and the fostering care of Providence, increased as rapidly as 
though it had been burdened with a dozen panniers full of those sage 
laws usually heaped on the backs of young cities in order to make 
them grow. And in this particular I greatly admire the wisdom and 
sound knowledge of human nature displayed by the sage Oloffe the 
Dreamer and his fellow-legislators. For my part, I have not so bad an 
opinion of mankind as many of my brother philosophers. I do not think 
poor human nature so sorry a piece of workmanship as they would make 
it out to be ; and, as far as I have observed, I am fully satisfied that man, 
if left to himself, would about as readily go right as wrong. It is only 
this eternally sounding in his ears that it is his duty to go right which 
makes him go the very reverse. The noble independence of his nature 
revolts at this intolerable tyranny of law and the perpetual interference 
of officious morality, which is ever besetting his path with finger-posts 
and direftions to "keep to the right, as the law direds"; and, like a 
spirited urchin, he turns direftly contrary, and gallops through mud 
and mire, over hedges and ditches, merely to show that he is a lad of 
spirit and out of his leading-strings. And these opinions are amply sub- 
stantiated by what I have above said of our worthy ancestors, who, 

[ 70 ] 



Ch.ix] New York &^c. 

never being be-preached and be-leftured and guided and governed by 
statutes and laws and by-laws, as are their more enlightened descendants, 
did one and all demean themselves honestly and peaceably, out of pure 
ignorance, or, in other words, because they knew no better. 
Nor must I omit to record one of the earliest measures of this infant 
settlement, inasmuch as it shows the piety of our forefathers, and that, 
like good Christians, they were always ready to serve God after they 
had first served themselves. Thus, having quietly settled themselves 
down and provided for their own comfort, they bethought themselves 
of testifying their gratitude to the great and good St. Nicholas for his 
protec5ting care in guiding them to this delegable abode. To this end 
they built a fair and goodly chapel within the fort, which they conse- 
crated to his name ; whereupon he immediately took the town of New 
Amsterdam under his peculiar patronage, and he has ever since been, and 
I devoutly hope will ever be, the tutelar saint of this excellent city. 
At this early period was instituted that pious ceremony, still religiously 
observed in all our ancient families of the right breed, of hanging up a 
stocking in the chimney on St. Nicholas eve ; which stocking is always 
found in the morning miraculously filled — for the good St. Nicholas has 
ever been a great giver of gifts, particularly to children. 
I am moreover told that there is a little legendary book, somewhere 
extant, written in Low Dutch, which says that the image of this re- 
nowned saint, which whilom graced the bowsprit of the Goede Vrouw, 
was elevated in front of this chapel, in the centre of what in modern 
days is called the Bowling Green, — on the very spot, in fa6t, where he 
appeared in vision to Oloffe the Dreamer. And the legend further treats 
of divers miracles wrought by the mighty pipe which the saint held in 
his mouth, a whiff of which was a sovereign cure for indigestion, — an 
invaluable relic in this colony of brave trenchermen. As, however, in 
spite of the most diligent search, I cannot lay my hands upon this little 
book, I must confess that I entertain considerable doubt on the subject. 
Thus benignly fostered by the good St. Nicholas, the infant city thrived 
apace. Hordes of painted savages, it is true, still lurked about the un- 
settled parts of the island. The hunter still pitched his bower of skins 
and bark beside the rills that ran through the cool and shady glens, 
while here and there might be seen on some sunny knoll a group of 
Indian wigwams whose smoke arose above the neighboring trees and 
floated in the transparent atmosphere. A mutual good-will, however, 
existed between these wandering beings and the burghers of New Am- 
sterdam. Our benevolent forefathers endeavored as much as possible to 
ameliorate their situation by giving them gin, rum, and glass beads in 

[ 71 ] 



A History of [Bk. n 

exchange for their pehries ; for it seems the kind-hearted Dutchmen had 
conceived a great friendship for their savage neighbors, on account of 
their being pleasant men to trade with, and little skilled in the art of 
making a bargain. 

Now and then a crew of these half-human sons of the forest would make 
their appearance in the streets of New zAmstcrdam, fantastically painted 
and decorated with beads and flaunting feathers, sauntering about with 
an air of listless indifference ; sometimes in the market-place, instruft- 
ing the little Dutch boys in the use of the bow and arrow ; at other 
times, inflamed with liquor, swaggering and whooping and yelling about 
the town like so many fiends, to the great dismay of all the good wives, 
who would hurry their children into the house, fasten the doors, and 
throw water upon the enemy from the garret windows. It is worthy of 
mention here, that our forefathers were very particular in holding up 
these wild men as excellent domestic examples — and for reasons that 
may be gathered from the history of Master Ogi/by, who tells us that 
"for the least offence the bridegroom soundly beats his wife and turns 
her out-of-doors, and marries another, insomuch that some of them have 
every year a new wife." Whether this awful example had any influence 
or not, history does not mention ; but it is certain that our grandmothers 
were miracles of fidelity and obedience. 

True it is, that the good understanding between our ancestors and their 
savage neighbors was liable to occasional interruptions, and I have heard 
my grandmother, who was a very wise old woman, and well versed in 
the history of these parts, tell a long story of a winter's evening, about 
a battle between the New Amsterdammers and the Indians^ which was 
known by the name of the Peach War, and which took place near a 
peach orchard in a dark glen, which for a long while went by the name 
oi Murderer s Valley. 

The legend of this sylvan war was long current among the nurses, old 
wives, and other ancient chroniclers of the place ; but time and im- 
provement have almost obliterated both the tradition and the scene of 
battle, for what was once the blood-stained valley is now in the centre 
of this populous city, and known by the name of Dey street. 
I know not whether it was to this '■'■ Peach war" and the acquisitions of 
Indian land which may have grown out of it, that we may ascribe the 
first seeds of the spirit of "annexation" which now began to manifest 
themselves. Hitherto the ambition of the worthy burghers had been 
confined to the lovely island ol Manna-hata ; and Spiten Devil on the Hud- 
son and Hell-gate on the Sound were to them the pillars of Hercules, 
the ne plus ultra of human enterprise. Shortly after the Peach war, how- 

[ 72 ] 



Ch. ix] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

ever, a restless spirit was observed among the New Amsterdammers. They 
began to cast wistful looks upon the wild lands of their Indian neigh- 
bors ; for, somehow or other, wild Indian land always looks greener in 
the eyes of settlers than the land they occupy. It is hinted that Olojfe 
the Dreamer encouraged these notions, having, as has been shown, the 
inherent spirit of a land-speculator, which had been wonderfully quick- 
ened and expanded since he had become a landholder. Many of the 
common people, who had never before owned a foot of land, now be- 
gan to be discontented with the town lots which had fallen to their 
shares ; others, who had snug farms and tobacco-plantations, found they 
had not sufficient elbow-room, and began to question the rights of the 
Indians to the vast regions they pretended to hold ; while the good 
Oloffe indulged in magnificent dreams of foreign conquest and great pa- 
troonships in the wilderness. 

The result of these dreams were certain exploring expeditions, sent 
forth in various direftions to "sow the seeds of empire," as it was said. 
The earliest of these were conduced by Hans Reinier Oothout, an old 
navigator famous for the sharpness of his vision, who could see land 
when it was quite out of sight to ordinary mortals, and who had a spy- 
glass covered with a bit of tarpaulin, with which he could spy up the 
crookedest river quite to its head-waters. He was accompanied by Myn- 
heer Ten Breeches, as land-measurer, in case of any dispute with the 
Indians. 

What was the consequence of these exploring expeditions ? In a little 
while we find a frontier post or trading-house, called Fort Nassau, es- 
tablished far to the south on Delaware River ; another, called Fort Goed 
Hoep (or Good Hope), on the Varsche, or Fresh, or Conne£liciit River ; and 
another, called Fort Aurania (now Albany), away up the Hudson River ; 
while the boundaries of the province kept extending on every side, no- 
body knew whither, far, far into the regions of Terra Incognita. 
Of the boundary feuds and troubles which the ambitious little province 
brought upon itself by these indefinite expansions of its territory, we 
shall treat at large in the after-pages of this eventful history. Sufficient 
for the present is it to say that the swelling importance of the New 
Netherlands awakened the attention of the mother-country, who, finding 
it likely to yield much revenue and no trouble, began to take that in- 
terest in its welfare which knowing people evince for rich relations. 
But as this opens a new era in the fortunes of New Amsterdam, I will 
here put an end to this second book of my history, and will treat of the 
maternal policy of the mother-country in my next. 

[ IZ ] 



BOOK III 

In which 

is Recorded the Golden Reign of 

2Bouter Ban CtoiUer 



BOOK 



I I I 



Chapter i 



OF the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, his unparalleled 
Virtues — as likewise his unutterable wisdom in the Law-Case of Wandle 
ScHOONHOVEN and Barent Bleecker, and the great Admiration of the 
Public thereat. 

GRIEVOUS and very much to be commiserated is the task, 
of the feeling historian who writes the history of his native 
land. If it fall to his lot to be the sad recorder of calamity or 
crime, the mournful page is watered with his tears ; nor 
can he recall the most prosperous and blissful era without 
a melancholy sigh at the refledion that it has passed away forever ! I 
know not whether it be owing to an immoderate love for the simpli- 
city of former times, or to that certain tenderness of heart incident to 
all sentimental historians ; but I candidly confess that I cannot look 
back on the happier days of our city, which I now describe, without 
great dejeftion of spirit. With faltering hand do I withdraw the cur- 
tain of oblivion that veils the modest merit of our venerable ancestors, 
and, as their figures rise to my mental vision, humble myself before 
their mighty shades. 

Such are my feelings when I revisit the family mansion of the Knicker- 
bockers and spend a lonely hour in the chamber where hang the por- 
traits of my forefathers, shrouded in dust, like the forms they represent. 
With pious reverence do I gaze on the countenances of those renowned 
burghers who have preceded me in the steady march of existence, 
whose sober and temperate blood now meanders through my veins, 
flowing slower and slower in its feeble conduits, until its current shall 
soon be stopped forever ! 

These, say I to myself, are but frail memorials of the mighty men who 
flourished in the days of the patriarchs, but who, alas, have long since 
mouldered in that tomb towards which my steps are insensibly and 
irresistibly hastening ! As I pace the darkened chamber and lose myself 

[ n ] 



A History of [Bk. m 

in melancholy musings, the shadowy images around me almost seem to 
steal once more into existence ; their countenances to assume the anima- 
tion of life ; their eyes to pursue me in every movement ! Carried away 
by the delusions of fancy, I almost imagine myself surrounded by the 
shades of the departed and holding sweet converse with the worthies 
of antiquity ! Ah, hapless Diedrich ! born in a degenerate age, aban- 
doned to the bufFetings of fortune ; a stranger and a weary pilgrim in 
thy native land ; blest with no weeping wife nor family of helpless 
children, but doomed to wander neglected through those crowded 
streets, and elbowed by foreign upstarts from those fair abodes where 
once thine ancestors held sovereign empire ! 

Let me not, however, lose the historian in the man, nor suffer the 
doting recolleftions of age to overcome me, while dwelling with fond 
garrulity on the virtuous days of the patriarchs, — on those sweet days 
of simplicity and ease which never more will dawn on the lovely island 
of Manna-hata. 

These melancholy refleftions have been forced from me by the growing 
wealth and importance of New Amsterdam, which, I plainly perceive, 
are to involve it in all kinds of perils and disasters. Already, as I ob- 
served at the close of my last book, they had awakened the attentions 
of the mother-country. The usual mark of proteftion shown by mother- 
countries to wealthy colonies was forthwith manifested — a governor 
being sent out to rule over the province, and squeeze out of it as much 
revenue as possible. The arrival of a governor of course put an end to 
the proted:orate of Oloffe the Dreamer. He appears, however, to have 
dreamt to some purpose during his sway, as we find him afterwards 
living as a patroon on a great landed estate on the banks of the Hudson; 
having virtually forfeited all right to his ancient appellation of Kort- 
landt or Lackland. 

It was in the year of our Lord 1629 that Mynheer Wouter Van Tiailler 
was appointed governor of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, under the 
commission and control of their High Mightinesses, the Lords States 
General of the United Netherlands, and the privileged West India Com- 
pany. 

This renowned old gentleman arrived at New Atnsterdam in the merry 
month of June, the sweetest month in all the year, when dan Apollo 
seems to dance up the transparent firmament, when the robin, the 
thrush, and a thousand other wanton songsters make the woods to re- 
sound with amorous ditties, and the luxurious little boblincon revels 
among the clover-blossoms of the meadows — all which happy coinci- 
dence persuaded the old dames of New Atnsterdam, who were skilled 

[ 78 ] 




\\ outer Van Twiller. "The first morning after he had been instiilled in office, and at the mimenl that he zvai making his 

breakfast from a prodigious earthen dish, filled zvith milk and Indian pudding, he zvas interrupted by the appearance 

of Wandle Schoonhoven, a very important old burgher of New Amsterdam." 



Ch. i] N E W Y O R K K^C. 



in the art of foretelling events, that this was to be a happy and pros- 
perous administration. 

The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Tiviller was descended from a 
long line of Dutch burgomasters who had successively dozed away their 
lives and grown fat upon the bench of magistracy in Rotterdam^ and 
who had comported themselves with such singular wisdom and pro- 
priety that they were never either heard or talked of — which, next to 
being universally applauded, should be the objeft of ambition of all 
magistrates and rulers. There are two opposite ways by which some 
men make a figure in the world : one, by talking faster than they think, 
and the other, by holding their tongues and not thinking at all. By the 
first, many a smatterer acquires the reputation of a man of quick parts ; 
by the other, many a dunderpate, like the owl, the stupidest of birds, 
comes to be considered the very type of wisdom. This, by the way, is 
a casual remark, which I would not for the universe have it thought 
I apply to Governor Van Tiviller. It is true he was a man shut up 
within himself like an oyster, and rarely spoke except in monosyllables ; 
but then it was allowed he seldom said a foolish thing. So invincible 
was his gravity that he was never known to laugh or even to smile 
through the whole course of a long and prosperous life. Nay, if a joke 
were uttered in his presence that set light-minded hearers in a roar, 
it was observed to throw him into a state of perplexity. Sometimes he 
would deign to inquire into the matter, and when, after much explana- 
tion, the joke was made as plain as a pike-staff, he would continue to 
smoke his pipe in silence, and at length, knocking out the ashes, would 
exclaim, " Well ! I see nothing in all that to laugh about." 
With all his refleftive habits, he never made up his mind on a subjeft. 
His adherents accounted for this by the astonishing magnitude of his 
ideas. He conceived every subje6l on so grand a scale that he had not 
room in his head to turn it over and examine both sides of it. Certain 
it is, that if any matter were propounded to him on which ordinary 
mortals would rashly determine at first glance, he would put on a 
vague, mysterious look, shake his capacious head, smoke some time in 
profound silence, and at length observe that "he had his doubts about 
the matter," — which gained him the reputation of a man slow of belief 
and not easily imposed upon. What is more, it gained him a lasting 
name ; for to this habit of the mind has been attributed his surname of 
Twiller, which is said to be a corruption of the original Tivijjler, or, in 
plain English, Doubter. 

The person of this illustrious old gentleman was formed and propor- 
tioned as though it had been moulded by the hands of some cunning 

[ 79 ] 



A History of [Bk. 



Ill 



Dutch statuary as a model of majesty and lordly grandeur. He was 
exaftly five feet six inches in height and six feet five inches in circum- 
ference. His head was a perfec^t sphere, and of such stupendous dimen- 
sions that Dame Nature, with all her sex's ingenuity, would have been 
puzzled to construct a neck capable of supporting it ; wherefore she 
wisely declined the attempt, and settled it firmly on the top of his 
backbone, just between the shoulders. His body was oblong and partic- 
ularly capacious at bottom ; which was wisely ordered by Providence, 
seeing that he was a man of sedentary habits, and very averse to the 
idle labor of walking. His legs were short^ but sturdy in proportion to 
the weight they had to sustain ; so that when erect he had not a little 
the appearance of a beer-barrel on skids. His face, that infallible index 
of the mind, presented a vast expanse, unfurrowed by any of those lines 
and angles which disfigure the human countenance with what is termed 
expression. Two small gray eyes twinkled feebly in the midst, like two 
stars of lesser magnitude in a hazy firmament, and his full-fed cheeks, 
which seemed to have taken toll of everything that went into his mouth, 
were curiously mottled and streaked with dusky red, like a spitzenberg 
apple. 

His habits were as regular as his person. He daily took his four stated 
meals, appropriating exaftly an hour to each ; he smoked and doubted 
eight hours, and he slept the remaining twelve of the four-and-twenty. 
Such was the renowned Woiiter Van Twillcr, — a true philosopher, for 
his mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly settled below, the 
cares and perplexities of this world. He had lived in it for years with- 
out feeling the least curiosity to know whether the sun revolved round 
it, or it round the sun ; and he had watched for at least half a century 
the smoke curling from his pipe to the ceiling, without once troubling 
his head with any of those numerous theories by which a philosopher 
would have perplexed his brain, in accounting for its rising above the 
surrounding atmosphere. 

In his council he presided with great state and solemnity. He sat in a 
huge chair of solid oak, hewn in the celebrated forest of the Hague, 
fabricated by an experienced timmerman oi Amsterdam, and curiously 
carved about the arms and feet into exaft imitations of gigantic eagle's 
claws. Instead of a sceptre he swayed a long Turkish pipe, wrought 
with jasmin and amber, which had been presented to a stadtholder of 
Holland at the conclusion of a treaty with one of the petty Barbary 
powers. In this stately chair would he sit, and this magnificent pipe 
would he smoke, shaking his right knee with a constant motion, and 
fixing his eye for hours together upon a little print of Amsterdam, 

[ 80 ] 



Ch. i] N E W Y O R K 



which hung in a bhick frame against the opposite wall of the council- 
chamber. Nay, it has even been said that when any deliberation of 
extraordinary length and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned 
Wouter would shut his eyes for full two hours at a time, that he might 
not be disturbed by external objefts ; and at such times the internal 
commotion of his mind was evinced by certain regular guttural sounds, 
which his admirers declared were merely the noise of conflid: made 
by his contending doubts and opinions. 

It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to colled these bio- 
graphical anecdotes of the great man under consideration. The fafts 
respecting him were so scattered and vague, and divers of them so 
questionable in point of authenticity, that I have had to give up the 
search after many, and decline the admission of still more which would 
have tended to heighten the coloring of his portrait. 
I have been the more anxious to delineate fully the person and habits 
of Wouter Van Twiller, from the consideration that he was not only the 
first, but also the best, governor that ever presided over this ancient 
and respectable province ; and so tranquil and benevolent was his reign, 
that I do not find throughout the whole of it a single instance of any 
offender being brought to punishment, — a most indubitable sign of a 
merciful governor, and a case unparalleled, excepting in the reign of the 
illustrious King Log, from whom, it is hinted, the renowned Van 
Twiller was a lineal descendant. 

The very outset of the career of this excellent magistrate was distin- 
guished by an example of legal acumen that gave flattering presao-e of 
a wise and equitable administration. The morning after he had been 
installed in office, and at the moment that he was making his break- 
fast from a prodigious earthen dish filled with milk and Indian pud- 
ding, he was interrupted by the appearance of Wandle Schoonhoven, a 
very important old burgher of New Amsterdam, who complained bit- 
terly of one Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he refused to come to a settle- 
ment of accounts, seeing that there was a heavy balance in favor of the 
said Wandle. Governor Van Twiller, as I have already observed, was a 
man of few words ; he was likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying writ- 
mgs, or being disturbed at his breakfast. Having listened attentively to 
the statement of Wandle Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as he 
shovelled a spoonful of Indian pudding into his mouth, — either as a sign 
that he relished the dish, or comprehended the story, — he called unto 
him his constable, and, pulling out of his breeches-pocket a huge jack- 
knife, dispatched it after the defendant as a summons, accompanied by 
his tobacco-box as a warrant. 

[ 8i ] 



A History ^c. [Bk 



III 



This summary process was as effeftual in those simple days as was the 
seal-ring of the great Haroim Alraschid among the true believers. The 
two parties being confronted before him, each produced a book of ac- 
counts, written in a language and charafter that would have puzzled 
any but a High-Dutch commentator or a learned decipherer of Egyptian 
obelisks. The sage Woiiter took them one after the other, and, having 
poised them in his hands and attentively counted over the number ot 
leaves, fell straightway into a very great doubt, and smoked for half an 
hour without saying a word ; at length, laying his finger beside his 
nose and shutting his eyes for a moment, with the air of a man who 
has just caught a subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from 
his mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco-smoke, and with marvel- 
lous gravity and solemnity pronounced that, having carefully counted 
over the leaves and weighed the books, it was found that one was just 
as thick and as heavy as the other ; therefore, it was the final opinion 
of the court that the accounts were equally balanced ; therefore, Wandle 
should give Barent a receipt, and Barent should give IVandle a receipt, 
and the constable should pay the costs. 

This decision, being straightway made known, diffused general joy 
throughout New Amsterdam, for the people immediately perceived that 
they had a very wise and equitable magistrate to rule over them. But 
its happiest effeft was, that not another lawsuit took place throughout 
the whole of his administration ; and the office of constable fell into 
such decay that there was not one of those losel scouts known in the 
province for many years. I am the more particular in dwelling on this 
transaftion, not only because I deem it one of the most sage and right- 
eous judgments on record, and well worthy the attention of modern 
magistrates, but because it was a miraculous event in the history of the 
renowned Wouter — being the only time he was ever known to come to 
a decision in the whole course of his life. 



Ch 

[ 82] 



Chapter i i 



CONTAINING some Account of the Grand Council of ^'^-^ 
Amsterdam ; as also divers especial good Philosophical Reasons why an Al- 
derman should be Fat; with other Particulars touching the State of the Prov- 
ince. 

IN treating of the early governors of the province, I must caution 
my readers against confounding them, in point of dignity and 
power, with those worthy gentlemen who are whimsically de- 
nominated governors in this enlightened republic, — a set of un- 
happy victims of popularity who are, in faft, the most dependent, 
hen-pecked beings in the community, doomed to bear the secret goad- 
ings and corrections of their own party and the sneers and revilings 
of the whole world beside ; set up, like geese at Christmas holidays, to 
be pelted and shot at by every whipster and vagabond in the land. On 
the contrary, the Dutch governors enjoyed that uncontrolled authority 
vested in all commanders of distant colonies or territories. They were, 
in a manner, absolute despots in their little domains, lording it, if so 
disposed, over both law and gospel, and accountable to none but the 
mother-country, which it is well known is astonishingly deaf to all 
complaints against its governors, provided they discharge the main duty 
of their station — squeezing out a good revenue. This hint will be of 
importance, to prevent my readers from being seized with doubt and 
incredulity whenever, in the course ot this authentic history, they en- 
counter the uncommon circumstance of a governor acting with inde- 
pendence and in opposition to the opinions of the multitude. 
To assist the doubtful Wouter in the arduous business of legislation, a 
board of magistrates was appointed, which presided immediately over 
the police. This potent body consisted of a schout or bailiff, with powers 
between those of the present mayor and sheriff; five burgermeesters, 
who were equivalent to aldermen ; and five schepens, who officiated as 
scrubs, subdevils, or bottle-holders to the burgermeesters, in the same 
manner as do assistant aldermen to their principals at the present day, 
— it being their duty to fill the pipes of the lordly burgermeesters, hunt 
the markets for delicacies for corporation dinners, and to discharge such 
other little offices of kindness as were occasionally required. It was, 
moreover, tacitly understood, though not specifically enjoined, that they 

[ 83 ] 



A History of [Bk. 



Ill 



should consider themselves as butts for the blunt wits ot the burger- 
meesters, and should laugh most heartily at all their jokes; but this last 
was a duty as rarely called in aftion in those days as it is at present, and 
was shortly remitted, in consequence of the tragical death of a fat little 
schepen who aftually died of suffocation in an unsuccessful effort to 
force a laugh at one of burgermeester Van Zandfs best jokes. 
In return for these humble services they were permitted to say yes and 
fio at the council-board, and to have that enviable privilege, the run of 
the public kitchen, — being graciously permitted to eat, and drink, and 
smoke, at all those snug junketings and public gormandizings for which 
the ancient magistrates were equally famous with their modern succes- 
sors. The post of schepen, therefore, like that of assistant alderman, was 
eagerly coveted by all your burghers of a certain description, who have 
a huge relish for good feeding and an humble ambition to be great 
men in a small way, — who thirst after a little brief authority that shall 
render them the terror of the alms-house and the bridewell, — that shall 
enable them to lord it over obsequious poverty, vagrant vice, outcast 
prostitution, and hunger-driven dishonesty, — that shall give to their 
beck a houndlike pack of catchpolls and bumbailiffs, tenfold greater 
rogues than the culprits they hunt down ! My readers will excuse this 
sudden warmth, which I confess is unbecoming of a grave historian, — 
but I have a mortal antipathy to catchpolls, bumbailiffs, and little-great 
men. 

The ancient magistrates of this city corresponded with those of the 
present time no less in form, magnitude, and intelleft than in preroga- 
tive and privilege. The burgomasters, like our aldermen, were gener- 
ally chosen by weight, — and not only the weight of the body, but like- 
wise the weight of the head. It is a maxim practically observed in all 
honest, plain-thinking, regular cities, that an alderman should be tat, — 
and the wisdom of this can be proved to a certainty. That the body is 
in some measure an image of the mind, or rather that the mind is 
moulded to the body, like melted lead to the clay in which it is cast, 
has been insisted on by many philosophers who have made human na- 
ture their peculiar study ; for, as a learned gentleman of our own city 
observes, "there is a constant relation between the moral character of 
all intelligent creatures and their physical constitution, between their 
habits and the structure of their bodies." Thus we see that a lean, spare, 
diminutive body is generally accompanied by a petulant, restless, med- 
dling mind : either the mind wears down the body by its continual 
motion, or else the body, not affording the mind sufficient house-room, 
keeps it continually in a state of fretfulness, tossing and worrying about 

[ «+ ] 



Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K ^C. 



from the uneasiness of its situation. Whereas your round, sleek, fat, 
unwieldy periphery is ever attended by a mind like itself, tranquil, tor- 
pid, and at ease ; and we may always observe that your well-fed robus- 
tious burghers are in general very tenacious of their ease and comfort, 
being great enemies to noise, discord, and disturbance ; and surely 
none are more likely to study the public tranquillity than those who are 
so careful of their own. Who ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or 
herding together in turbulent mobs ? No, no ; it is your lean, hungry men 
who are continually worrying society and setting the whole community 
by the ears. 

The divine P/afo, whose doftrines are not sufficiently attended to by 
philosophers of the present age, allows to every man three souls : one, 
immortal and rational, seated in the brain, that it may overlook and 
regulate the body ; a second, consisting of the surly and irascible pas- 
sions which, like belligerent powers, lie encamped around the heart ; a 
third, mortal and sensual, destitute of reason, gross and brutal in its 
propensities, and enchained in the belly, that it may not disturb the 
divine soul by its ravenous bowlings. Now, according to this excellent 
theory, what can be more clear than that your fat alderman is most 
likely to have the most regular and well-conditioned mind ! His head 
is like a huge spherical chamber, containing a prodigious mass of soft 
brains, whereon the rational soul lies softly and snugly couched as on 
a feather-bed ; and the eyes, which are the windows of the bedcham- 
ber, are usually half closed, that its slumberings may not be disturbed 
by external objects. A mind thus comfortably lodged and proteded from 
disturbance is manifestly most likely to perform its functions with reg- 
ularity and ease. By dint of good feeding, moreover, the mortal and 
malignant soul which is confined in the belly, and which, by its ra- 
ging and roaring, puts the irritable soul in the neighborhood of the heart 
in an intolerable passion, and thus renders men crusty and quarrelsome 
when hungry, is completely pacified, silenced, and put to rest ; where- 
upon a host of honest, good-fellow qualities and kind-hearted affeftions, 
which had lain perdue, slyly peeping out of the loop-holes of the heart, 
finding this Cerberus asleep, do pluck up their spirits, turn out one and 

all in their holiday suits, and gambol up and down the diaphragm, 

disposing their possessor to laughter, good-humor, and a thousand 
friendly offices towards his fellow-mortals. 

As a board of magistrates formed on this model think but very little, 
they are the less likely to differ and wrangle about favorite opinions ; and, 
as they generally transact business upon a hearty dinner, they are natu- 
rally disposed to be lenient and indulgent in the administration of their 

[ 85 ] 



A History of [Bk. m 

duties. Charlemagne was conscious of this, and therefore ordered in his 
cartularies that no judge should hold a court of justice, except in the 
morning, on an empty stomach, a pitiful rule which I can never for-^ 
give him, and which I warrant bore hard upon all the poor culprits in 
the kingdom. The more enlightened and humane generation of the 
present day have taken an opposite course, and have so managed that 
the aldermen are the best-fed men in the community, feasting lustily 
on the fat things of the land, and gorging so heartily on oysters and 
turtles that in process of time they acquire the aftivity of the one and 
the form, the waddle, and the green fat of the other. The consequence 
is, as I have just said, these luxurious feastings do produce such a dulcet 
equanimity and repose of the soul, rational and irrational, that their tran- 
sactions are proverbial for unvarying monotony ; and the profound laws 
which they ena6t in their dozing moments, amid the labors of diges- 
tion, are quietly suffered to remain as dead letters, and never enforced 
when awake. In a word, your fair, round-bellied burgomaster, like a 
full-fed mastiff, dozes quietly at the house-door, always at home, and 
always at hand to watch over its safety ; but as to electing a lean, med- 
dling candidate to the office, as has now and then been done, I would 
as lief put a greyhound to watch the house, or a race-horse to draw an 
ox-wagon. 

The burgomasters, then, as I have already mentioned, were wisely chosen 
by weight, and the schepens, or assistant aldermen, were appointed to 
attend upon them and help them eat ; but the latter, in course of time, 
when they had been fed and fattened into sufficient bulk of body and 
drowsiness of brain, became very eligible candidates for the burgomas- 
ters' chairs, having fairly eaten themselves into office, as a mouse eats 
his way into a comfortable lodgment in a goodly, blue-nosed, skimmed- 
milk, New Englatid cheese. 

Nothing could equal the profound deliberations that took place between 
the renowned Wouter and these his worthy compeers, unless it be the 
sage divans of some of our modern corporations. They would sit for 
hours smoking and dozing over public affairs, without speaking a word 
to interrupt that perfect stillness so necessary to deep refleftion. Under 
the sober sway of Wouter Van Twiller and these his worthy coadjutors, 
the infant settlement waxed vigorous apace, gradually emerging from 
the swamps and forests, and exhibiting that mingled appearance ot town 
and country customary in new cities, and which at this day may be 
witnessed in the city of Washington, — that immense metropolis, which 
makes so glorious an appearance on paper. 

It was a pleasing sight in those times to behold the honest burgher, 

[ 86 ] 



Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

like a patriarch of yore, seated on the bench at the door of his white- 
washed house, under the shade of some gigantic sycamore or overhang- 
ing willow. Here would he smoke his pipe of a sultry afternoon, en- 
joying the soft southern breeze and listening with silent gratulation to 
the clucking of his hens, the cackling of his geese, and the sonorous 
grunting of his swine, — that combination of farm-yard melody which 
may truly be said to have a silver sound, inasmuch as it conveys a cer- 
tain assurance of profitable marketing. 

The modern spectator who wanders through the streets of this popu- 
lous city can scarcely form an idea of the different appearance they 
presented in the primitive days of the Doubter. The busy hum of mul- 
titudes, the shouts of revelry, the rumbling equipages of fashion, the 
rattling of accursed carts, and all the spirit-grieving sounds of brawling 
commerce were unknown in the settlement of New Amsterdam. The 
grass grew quietly in the highways ; the bleating sheep and frolicsome 
calves sported about the verdant ridge where now the Broadway loun- 
gers take their morning stroll ; the cunning fox or ravenous wolf skulked 
in the woods where now are to be seen the dens of Gomez and his 
righteous fraternity of money-brokers, and flocks of vociferous geese 
cackled about the fields where now the great 'Tammany wigwam and 
the patriotic tavern of Martling echo with the wranglings of the mob. 
In these good times did a true and enviable equality of rank and pro- 
perty prevail, equally removed from the arrogance of wealth and the 
servility and heart-burnings of repining poverty ; and, what in my 
mind is still more conducive to tranquillity and harmony among 
friends, a happy equality of intellecft was likewise to be seen. The 
minds of the good burghers of New Amsterdam seemed all to have been 
cast in one mould, and to be those honest, blunt minds, which, like 
certain manufactures, are made by the gross, and considered as exceed- 
ingly good for common use. 

Thus it happens that your true dull minds are generally preferred for 
public employ, and especially promoted to city honors ; your keen in- 
tellects, like razors, being considered too sharp for common service. I 
know that it is common to rail at the unequal distribution of riches, as 
the great source of jealousies, broils, and heart-breakings ; whereas, for 
my part, I verily believe it is the sad inequality of intelleft that pre- 
vails that embroils communities more than anything else ; and I have 
remarked that your knowing people, who are so much wiser than any- 
body else, are eternally keeping society in a ferment. Happily for New 
Amsterdam^ nothing of the kind was known within its walls ; the very 
words of learning, education, taste, and talents were unheard of; a bright 

[ 87 ] 



A History of [b 



K. Ill 



genius was an animal unknown, and a blue-stocking lady would have 
been regarded with as much wonder as a horned frog or a fiery dragon. 
No man, in faft, seemed to know more than his neighbor, nor any man 
to know more than an honest man ought to know, who has nobody's 
business to mind but his own ; the parson and the council clerk were 
the only men that could read in the community, and the sage Van 
Twiller always signed his name with a cross. 

Thrice happy and ever to be envied little burgh ! existing in all the 
security of harmless insignificance, unnoticed and unenvied by the 
world, without ambition, without vainglory, without riches, without 
learning, and all their train of carking cares. And as of yore, in the 
better days of man, the deities were wont to visit him on earth and bless 
his rural habitations, so we are told, in the sylvan days of New Amster- 
dam, the good St. Nicholas would often make his appearance in his be- 
loved city of a holiday afternoon, riding jollily among the tree-tops, or 
over the roofs of the houses, now and then drawing forth magnificent 
presents from his breeches pockets, and dropping them down the chim- 
neys of his favorites. Whereas, in these degenerate days of iron and 
brass he never shows us the light of his countenance, nor ever visits 
us, save one night in the year, when he rattles down the chimneys of 
the descendants of patriarchs, confining his presents merely to the chil- 
dren, in token of the degeneracy of the parents. 

Such are the comfortable and thriving effeds of a fat government. The 
province of the New Netherlands, destitute of wealth, possessed a sweet 
tranquillity that wealth could never purchase. There were neither pub- 
lic commotions nor private quarrels ; neither parties, nor seds, nor 
schisms ; neither persecutions, nor trials, nor punishments ; nor were 
there counsellors, attorneys, catchpolls, or hangmen. Every man at- 
tended to what little business he was lucky enough to have, or neglefted 
it if he pleased, without asking the opinion of his neighbor. In those 
days nobody meddled with concerns above his comprehension, nor 
thrust his nose into other people's affairs, nor neglefted to correct his 
own conduct, and reform his own character, in his zeal to pull to pieces 
the characters of others ; but, in a word, every respectable citizen ate 
when he was not hungry, drank when he was not thirsty, and went 
regularly to bed when the sun set and the fowls went to roost, whether 
he was sleepy or not ; all which tended so remarkably to the population 
of the settlement, that I am told every dutiful wife throughout New 
Amsterdam made a point of enriching her husband with at least one 
child a year, and very often a brace, — this superabundance of good 
things clearly constituting the true luxury of life, according to the fa- 

[ 88 ] 



Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K 



C. 



vorite Dutch maxim, that "more than enough constitutes a feast." 
Everything, therefore, went on exactly as it should do, and, in the 
usual words employed by historians to express the welfare of a coun- 
try, "the profoundest tranquillity and repose reigned throughout the 
province." 



Cha 

[89 ] 



Chapter i i i 



HOW the Town o/New Amsterdam arose out of Mud ^ and 

came to be marvellously Polished and Polite ; Together with a PiBure of the 
Manners of our Great-Great-Grandfathers. 

MANIFOLD are the tastes and dispositions of the enlight- 
ened literati who turn over the pages of history. Some 
there be whose hearts are brimful of the yeast of courage, 
and whose bosoms do work, and swell, and foam with 
untried valor, like a barrel of new cider, or a train-band 
captain fresh from under the hands of his tailor. This doughty class of 
readers can be satisfied with nothing but bloody battles and horrible 
encounters ; they must be continually storming forts, sacking cities, 
springing mines, marching up to the muzzles of cannon, charging 
bayonet through every page, and revelling in gunpowder and carnage. 
Others, who are of a less martial but equally ardent imagination, and who, 
withal, are a little given to the marvellous, will dwell with wondrous sat- 
isfaction on descriptions of prodigies, unheard-of events, hairbreadth es- 
capes, hardy adventures, and all those astonishing narrations which just 
amble along the boundary line of possibility. A third class, who, not to 
speak slightly of them, are of a lighter turn, and skim over the records 
of past times as they do over the edifying pages of a novel, merely for 
relaxation and innocent amusement, do singularly delight in treasons, exe- 
cutions, Sabine rapes, Tarquin outrages, conflagrations, murders, and all the 
other catalogue of hideous crimes, which, like cayenne in cookery, do give 
a pungency and flavor to the dull detail of history. While a fourth class, 
of more philosophic habits, do diligently pore over the musty chronicles 
of time, to investigate the operations of the human kind and watch the 
gradual changes in men and manners, effefted by the progress of know- 
ledge, the vicissitudes of events, or the influence of situation. 
If the first three classes find but little wherewithal to solace themselves 
in the tranquil reign of Wouter Van Tiviller, I entreat them to exert 
their patience for a while, and bear with the tedious pifture of happi- 
ness, prosperity, and peace, which my duty as a faithful historian obliges 
me to draw ; and I promise them that as soon as I can possibly alight 
on anything horrible, uncommon, or impossible, it shall go hard but 
I will make it afford them entertainment. This being premised, I turn 

[ 90 ] 



Ch. Ill] New York ^c. 

with great complacency to the fourth class of my readers, who are men, 
or, if possible, women, after my own heart, — grave, philosophical, and 
investigating, — fond of analyzing characters, of taking a start from first 
causes, and so hunting a nation down through all the mazes of innova- 
tion and improvement. Such will naturally be anxious to witness the 
first development of the newly hatched colony, and the primitive man- 
ners and customs prevalent among its inhabitants, during the halcyon 
reign of Fa/i T'lv/'/Zer, or the Doubter. 

I will not grieve their patience, however, by describing minutely the 
increase and improvement of New Amsterdam. Their own imaginations 
will doubtless present to them the good burghers, like so many painstak- 
ing and persevering beavers, slowly and surely pursuing their labors : they 
will behold the prosperous transformation from the rude log hut to the 
stately Dutch mansion, with brick front, glazed windows, and tiled roof ; 
from the tangled thicket to the luxuriant cabbage-garden ; and from the 
skulking Indian to the ponderous burgomaster. In a word, they will pic- 
ture to themselves the steady, silent, and undeviating march of prosperity, 
incident to a city destitute of pride or ambition, cherished by a fat govern- 
ment, and whose citizens do nothing in a hurry. 

The sage council, as has been mentioned in a preceding chapter, not being 
able to determine upon any plan for the building of their city, the cows, 
in a laudable fit of patriotism, took it under their peculiar charge, and, as 
they went to and from pasture, established paths through the bushes, on 
each side of which the good folks built their houses, — which is one cause 
of the rambling and piduresque turns and labyrinths which distinguish 
certain streets of New York at this very day. 

The houses of the higher class were generally constructed of wood, ex- 
cepting the gable end, which was of small black and yellow Dutch bricks, 
and always faced on the street, as our ancestors, like their descendants, 
were very much given to outward show, and were noted for putting the 
best leg foremost. The house was always furnished with abundance of 
large doors and small windows on every floor, the date of its erection was 
curiously designated by iron figures on the front, and on the top of the 
roof was perched a fierce little weathercock, to let the family into the 
important secret which way the wind blew. 

These, like the weathercocks on the tops of our steeples, pointed so many 
different ways that every man could have a wind to his mind ; the 
most stanch and loyal citizens, however, always went according to the 
weathercock on the top of the governor's house, which was certainly the 
most corred:, as he had a trusty servant employed every morning to climb 
up and set it to the right quarter. 

[ 9r ] 



A History of [Bk. m 

In those good days of simplicity and sunshine, a passion for cleanhness 
was the leading principle in domestic economy and the universal test 
of an able housewife, — a character which formed the utmost ambition 
of our unenlightened grandmothers. The front door was never opened, 
except on marriages, funerals, New-Year's days, the festival of 6'/. Nicholas, 
or some such great occasion. It w^as ornamented with a gorgeous brass 
knocker, curiously wrought, sometimes in the device of a dog and some- 
times of a lion's head, and was daily burnished with such religious zeal 
that it was ofttimes worn out by the very precautions taken for its pre- 
servation. The whole house was constantly in a state of inundation, under 
the discipline of mops and brooms and scrubbing-brushes ; and the good 
housewives of those days were a kind of amphibious animal, delighting 
exceedingly to be dabbling in water, — insomuch that an historian of the 
day gravely tells us that many of his townswomen grew to have webbed 
fingers like unto a duck; and some of them, he had little doubt, could 
the matter be examined into, would be found to have the tails of mer- 
maids, — but this I look upon to be a mere sport of fancy, or, what is 
worse, a wilful misrepresentation. 

The grand parlor was the sanftum sanftorum, where the passion for clean- 
ing was indulged without control. In this sacred apartment no one was 
permitted to enter, excepting the mistress and her confidential maid, who 
visited it, once a week, for the purpose of giving it a thorough cleaning 
and putting things to rights, — always taking the precaution of leaving 
their shoes at the door and entering devoutly on their stocking-feet. 
After scrubbing the floor, sprinkling it with fine white sand, which was 
curiously stroked into angles and curves and rhomboids with a broom, — 
after washing the windows, rubbing and polishing the furniture, and put- 
ting a new bunch of evergreens in the fireplace, — the window-shutters 
were again closed to keep out the flies, and the room carefully locked up 
until the revolution of time brought round the weekly cleaning-day. 
As to the family, they always entered in at the gate, and most generally 
lived in the kitchen. To have seen a numerous household assembled round 
the fire, one would have imagined that he was transported back to those 
happy days of primeval simplicity which float before our imaginations 
like golden visions. The fireplaces were of a truly patriarchal magnitude, 
where the whole family, old and young, master and servant, black and 
white, nay, even the very cat and dog, enjoyed a community of privilege, 
and had each a right to a corner. Here the old burgher would sit in per- 
fect silence, puffing his pipe, looking in the fire with half-shut eyes, and 
thinking of nothing for hours together ; the goede vrouw, on the oppo- 
site side, would employ herself diligently in spinning yarn or knitting 

[ 92 ] 



Ch.iii] New York ^r. 

stockings. The young folks would crowd around the hearth, listening 
with breathless attention to some old crone of a negro, who was the oracle 
of the family, and who, perched like a raven in the corner of the chimney, 
would croak forth for a long winter afternoon a string of incredible stories 
about New-Englaihi witches, grisly ghosts, horses without heads, and 
hair-breadth escapes and bloody encounters among the Indians. 
In those happy days a well-regulated family always rose with the dawn, 
dined at eleven, and went to bed at sunset. Dinner was invariably a pri- 
vate meal, and the tat old burghers showed incontestable signs of disap- 
probation and uneasiness at being surprised by a visit from a neighbor on 
such occasions. But though our worthy ancestors were thus singularly 
averse to giving dinners, yet they kept up the social bands of intimacy 
by occasional banquetings, called tea-parties. 

These fashionable parties were generally confined to the higher classes, 
or noblesse — that is to say, such as kept their own cows and drove their 
own wagons. The company commonly assembled at three o'clock and 
went away about six, unless it was in winter-time, when the fashionable 
hours were a little earlier, that the ladies might get home before dark. 
The tea-table was crowned with a huge earthen dish well stored with 
slices of fat pork, fried brown, cut up into morsels, and swimming in 
gravy. The company, being seated round the genial board, and each fur- 
nished with a fork, evinced their dexterity in launching at the fattest 
pieces in this mighty dish, — in much the same manner as sailors harpoon 
porpoises at sea, or our Indians spear salmon in the lakes. Sometimes the 
table was graced with immense apple-pies, or saucers full of preserved 
peaches and pears ; but it was always sure to boast an enormous dish of 
balls of sweetened dough, fried in hog's fat, and called doughnuts, or oly- 
koeks, — a delicious kind of cake at present scarce known in this city 
except in genuine Dutch families. 

The tea was served out of a majestic Dt-//? teapot, ornamented with paint- 
ings of fat little Dutch shepherds and shepherdesses tending pigs, with 
boats sailing in the air, and houses built in the clouds, and sundry other 
ingenious Dutch fantasies. The beaux distinguished themselves by their 
adroitness in replenishing this pot from a huge copper teakettle, which 
would have made the pigmy macaronies of these degenerate days sweat 
merely to look at it. To sweeten the beverage, a lump ot sugar was laid 
beside each cup, and the company alternately nibbled and sipped with 
great decorum, until an improvement was introduced by a shrewd and 
economic old lady, which was to suspend a large lump direftly over the 
tea-table, by a string from the ceiling, so that it could be swung from 
moatn to mouth, — an ingenious expedient which is stili kept up by 

[ 93 ] 



A History ^<r. [Bk. m 

some families in Albany^ but which prevails without exception in Com- 
munipaiv, Bergen, Flatbush, and all our uncontaminated Dutch villages. 
At these primitive tea-parties the utmost propriety and dignity of de- 
portment prevailed. No flirting nor coquetting, — no gambling of old 
ladies, nor hoyden chattering and romping of young ones, — no self-sat- 
isfied struttings of wealthy gentlemen with their brains in their pockets, 
nor amusing conceits and monkey divertisements of smart young gentle- 
men with no brains at all. On the contrary, the young ladies seated them- 
selves demurely in their rush-bottom chairs, and knit their own woollen 
stockings, nor ever opened their lips excepting to say yah Mynheer, or 
yah ya Vrouw, to any question that was asked them, behaving in all 
things like decent, well-educated damsels. As to the gentlemen, each of 
them tranquilly smoked his pipe and seemed lost in contemplation of the 
blue and white tiles with which the fireplaces were decorated, wherein 
sundry passages of Scripture were piously portrayed : T'obit and his dog 
figured to great advantage ; Haman swung conspicuously on his gibbet ; 
and Jonah appeared most manfully bouncing out of the whale, like Har- 
lequin through a barrel of fire. 

The parties broke up without noise and without confusion. They were 
carried home by their own carriages, that is to say, by the vehicles nature 
had provided them, excepting such of the wealthy as could afford to keep 
a wagon. The gentlemen gallantly attended their fair ones to their re- 
spective abodes, and took leave of them with a hearty smack at the door, 
— which, as it was an established piece of etiquette, done in perfect sim- 
plicity and honesty of heart, occasioned no scandal at that time, nor should 
it at the present. If our great-grandfathers approved of the custom, it 
would argue a great want of deference in their descendants to say a word 
against it. 



Ch 

[ 94] 



Chapter i 



CONTAINING further Particulars of the Golden Age, 
and what constituted a Fine Lady and Gentleman in the days of Walter 
THE Doubter. 

IN this dulcet period of my history, when the beauteous island of 
Manna-hata presented a scene the very counterpart of those 
glowing piftures drawn of the golden reign oi Saturn, there was, 
as I have before observed, a happy ignorance, an honest simpli- 
city, prevalent among its inhabitants, which, were I even able to 
depift, would be but little understood by the degenerate age for which I 
am doomed to write. Even the female sex, those arch innovators upon the 
tranquillity, the honesty, and gray-beard customs of society, seemed for a 
while to condu6t themselves with incredible sobriety and comeliness. 
Their hair untortured by the abominations of art, was scrupulously 
pomatumed back from their foreheads with a candle, and covered with 
a little cap of quilted calico, which fitted exactly to their heads. Their 
petticoats of linsey-woolsey were striped with a variety of gorgeous 
dyes, though I must confess these gallant garments were rather short, 
scarce reaching below the knee ; but then they made up in the num- 
ber, which generally equalled that of the gentlemen's small-clothes ; and, 
what is still more praiseworthy, they were all of their own manufac- 
ture — of which circumstance, as may well be supposed, they were not 
a little vain. 

These were the honest days in which every woman staid at home, read 
the Bible, and wore pockets — ay, and that too of a goodly size, fash- 
ioned with patchwork into many curious devices, and ostentatiously 
worn on the outside. These, in taft, were convenient receptacles, where 
all good housewives carefully stored away such things as they wished 
to have at hand, by which means they often came to be incredibly 
crammed ; and I remember there was a story current, when I was a 
boy, that the lady of Woiiter Van Twiller once had occasion to empty 
her right pocket in search of a wooden ladle, when the contents filled 
a couple of corn-baskets, and the utensil was discovered lying among 
some rubbish in one corner ; but we must not give too much faith to 
all these stories, the anecdotes of those remote periods being very sub- 
ject to exaggeration, 

[ 95 ] 



A History of [Bk. m 

Besides these notable pockets, they likewise wore scissors and pin-cush- 
ions suspended from their girdles by red ribands, or, among the more 
opulent and showy classes, by brass and even silver chains — indubitable 
tokens of thrifty housewives and industrious spinsters. I cannot say 
much in vindication of the shortness of the petticoats ; it doubtless was 
introduced for the purpose of giving the stockings a chance to be seen, 
which were generally of blue worsted, with magnificent red clocks, — 
or, perhaps, to display a well-turned ankle and a neat though service- 
able foot, set off by a high-heeled leathern shoe with a large and splen- 
did silver buckle. Thus we find that the gentle sex in all ages have 
shown the same disposition to infringe a little upon the laws of deco- 
rum in order to betray a lurking beauty or gratify an innocent love 
of finery. 

From the sketch here given it will be seen that our good grandmothers 
differed considerably in their ideas of a fine figure from their scantily 
dressed descendants of the present day. A fine lady, in those times, 
waddled under more clothes, even on a fair summer's day, than would 
have clad the whole bevy of a modern ball-room. Nor were they the 
less admired by the gentlemen in consequence thereof. On the contrary, 
the greatness of a lover's passion seemed to increase in proportion to 
the magnitude of its object, — and a voluminous damsel, arrayed in a 
dozen of petticoats, was declared by a Low-Dutch sonneteer of the prov- 
ince to be radiant as a sunflower, and luxuriant as a full-blown cab- 
bage. Certain it is, that in those days the heart of a lover could not 
contain more than one lady at a time ; whereas the heart of a modern 
gallant has often room enough to accommodate half a dozen. The reason 
of which I conclude to be, that either the hearts of the gentlemen 
have grown larger or the persons of the ladies smaller : this, however, 
is a question for physiologists to determine. ' 

But there was a secret charm in these petticoats, which, no doubt, 
entered into the consideration of the prudent gallants. The wardrobe 
of a lady was in those days her only fortune ; and she who had a good 
stock of petticoats and stockings was as absolutely an heiress as is a Kam- 
tchatka damsel with a store of bear-skins, or a Lapland belle with a 
plenty of reindeer. The ladies, therefore, were very anxious to display 
these powerful attraftions to the greatest advantage ; and the best rooms 
in the house, instead of being adorned with caricatures of Dame Nature, 
in water-colors and needle-work, were always hung round with abun- 
dance of home-spun garments, the manufacture and the property of the 
females — a piece of laudable ostentation that still prevails among the 
heiresses of our Dutch villages. 

[ 96 ] 



Ch. iv] N e w Y o r k &^c. 

The gentlemen, in fadt, who figured in the circles of the gay world in 
these ancient times corresponded in most particulars with the beau- 
teous damsels whose smiles they were ambitious to deserve. True it is, 
their merits would make but a very inconsiderable impression upon the 
heart of a modern fair : they neither drove their curricles nor sported 
their tandems, for as yet those gaudy vehicles were not even dreamt 
of; neither did they distinguish themselves by their brilliancy at the 
table and their consequent rencontres with watchmen, for our fore- 
fathers were of too pacific a disposition to need those guardians of the 
night, every soul throughout the town being sound asleep before nine 
o'clock. Neither did they establish their claims to gentility at the ex- 
pense of their tailors, for as yet those offenders against the pockets of 
society and the tranquillity of all aspiring young gentlemen were un- 
known at New Amsterdam; every good housewife made the clothes of 
her husband and family, and even the goede vrouw of Van Twiller him- 
self thought it no disparagement to cut out her husband's linsey-woolsey 
galligaskins. 

Not but what there were some two or three youngsters who manifested 
the first dawning of what is called fire and spirit; who held all labor 
in contempt ; skulked about docks and market-places ; loitered in the 
sunshine ; squandered what little money they could procure at hustle- 
cap and chuck-farthing ; swore, boxed, fought cocks, and raced their 
neighbors' horses ; in short, who promised to be the wonder, the talk, 
and abomination of the town, had not their stylish career been unfor- 
tunately cut short by an affair of honor with a whipping-post. 
Far other, however, was the truly fashionable gentleman of those days : 
his dress, which served for both morning and evening, street and draw- 
ing-room, was a linsey-woolsey coat, made, perhaps, by the fair hands 
of the mistress of his affections, and gallantly bedecked with abundance 
of large brass buttons ; half a score of breeches heightened the propor- 
tions of his figure ; his shoes were decorated by enormous copper 
buckles ; a low-crowned broad-rimmed hat overshadowed his burly 
visage ; and his hair dangled down his back in a prodigious queue of 
eel-skin. 

Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth, with pipe in mouth, to 
besiege some fair damsel's obdurate heart, — not such a pipe, good 
reader, as that which Acis did sweetly tune in praise of his Galatea^ but 
one of true Delft manufad:ure, and furnished with a charge of fragrant 
tobacco. With this would he resolutely set himself down before the 
fortress, and rarely failed, in the process of time, to smoke the fair enemy 
into a surrender, upon honorable terms. 

[ 97 ] 



A History ^c, [Bk. m 



Such was the happy reign of Wouter Van Ticiller, celebrated in many a 
long-forgotten song as the real golden age, the rest being nothing but 
counterfeit copper-washed coin. In that delightful period, a sweet and 
holy calm reigned over the whole province. The burgomaster smoked 
his pipe in peace ; the substantial solace of his domestic cares, after her 
daily toils were done, sat soberly at the door, with her arms crossed 
over her apron of snowy white, without being insulted with ribald 
street-walkers or vagabond boys, — those unlucky urchins who do so 
infest our streets, displaying, under the roses of youth, the thorns and 
briers of iniquity. Then it was that the lover with ten breeches and 
the damsel with petticoats of half a score indulged in all the innocent 
endearments of virtuous love without fear and without reproach ; for 
what had that virtue to fear which was defended by a shield of good 
linsey-woolseys equal at least to the seven bull-hides of the invincible 
Ajax f 

Ah, blissful and never-to-be-forgotten age ! when everything was better 
than it has ever been since, or ever will be again, — when Buttermilk 
Channel was quite dry at low water, — when the shad in the Hudson 
were all salmon, — and when the moon shone with a pure and resplen- 
dent whiteness, instead of that melancholy yellow light which is the 
consequence of her sickening at the abominations she every night wit- 
nesses in this degenerate city ! 

Happy would it have been for New Amsterdajn could it always have 
existed in this state of blissful ignorance and lowly simplicity ; but, alas ! 
the days of childhood are too sweet to last ! Cities, like men, grow out 
of them in time, and are doomed alike to grow into the bustle, the 
cares, and miseries of the world. Let no man congratulate himself when 
he beholds the child of his bosom or the city of his birth increasing in 
magnitude and importance, — let the history of his own life teach him 
the'^dangers of the one, and this excellent little history of Matma-hata 
convince him of the calamities of the other. 



Chap 

[ 98 1 



Chapter v 



OF the Foimding of Fort Aurania ; of the Mysteries of the 
Hudson ; of the Arrival of the Patroon Killian Van Rensellaer — his 
lordly descent upon the Earth, and his IntroduSlion of Club-Law. 

IT has already been mentioned that in the early times of Oloffe 
the Dreamer a frontier-post, or trading-house, called Fort Aurania, 
had been established on the upper waters of the Hudson, precisely 
on the site of the present venerable city of Albany, which was at 
that time considered at the very end of the habitable world. It 
was, indeed, a remote possession, with which, for a long time. New 
Amsterdam held but little intercourse. Now and then the "Company's 
Yacht," as it was called, was sent to the fort with supplies, and to bring 
away the peltries which had been purchased of the Indians. It was like 
an expedition to the Indies or the North Pole, and always made great 
talk, in the settlement. Sometimes an adventurous burgher would ac- 
company the expedition, to the great uneasiness of his friends ; but, on 
his return, had so many stories to tell of storms and tempests on the 
Tappan Zee, of hobgoblins in the Highlands and at the Devil's Dans 
Katmner, and of all the other wonders and perils with which the river 
abounded in those early days, that he deterred the less adventurous in- 
habitants from following his example. 

Matters were in this state when, one day, as Walter the Doubter and his 
burgermeesters were smoking and pondering over the affairs of the 
province, they were roused by the report of a cannon. Sallying forth, 
they beheld a strange vessel at anchor in the bay. It was unquestionably 
of Dutch build, broad-bottomed, and high-pooped, and bore the flag 
of their High Mightinesses at the mast-head. 

After a while, a boat put off for land, and a stranger stepped on shore, 
— a lofty, lordly kind of man, tall, and dry, with a meagre face fur- 
nished with huge moustaches. He was clad in Flemish doublet and hose 
and an insufferably tall hat with a cocktail feather. Such was the patroon 
Killian Van Rensellaer, who had come out from Holland to found a col- 
ony or patroonship on a great traft oi wild land granted to him by 
their High Mightinesses, the Lords States General, in the upper regions 
of the Hudson. 
Killian Van Rensellaer was a nine days' wonder in New Amsterdam, for 

[ 99 ] 



A History ^r. [Bk. m 

he carried a high head, looked down upon the portlv, short-legged bur- 
gomasters, and owned no allegiance to the governor himself, boasting 
that he held his patroonship direftly from the Lords States General. 
He tarried but a short time in New Amsterdam, merely to beat up re- 
cruits for his colony. Few, however, ventured to enlist for those remote 
and savage regions ; and when they embarked, their friends took leave 
of them as if they should never see them more, and stood gazing with 
tearful eye as the stout, round-sterned little vessel ploughed and splashed 
its way up the Hudson, with great noise and little progress, taking nearly 
a day to get out of sight of the city. 

And now, from time to time, floated down tidings to the Manhattoes of 
the growing importance of this new colony. Every account represented 
Killian Van Rensellaer as rising in importance and becoming a mighty 
patroon in the land. He had received more recruits from Holland. His 
patroonship of Rensellaerwick lay immediately below Fort Aurania, and 
extended for several miles on each side of the Hudson, besides embracing 
the mountainous region of the Heldsrberg. Over all this he claimed to 
hold separate jurisdidfion, independent of the colonial authorities of New 
Amsterdam. 

All these assumptions of authority were duly reported to Governor 
Van T'wUler and his council by dispatches from Fort Aurania ; at each 
new report the governor and his counsellors looked at each other, raised 
their eyebrows, gave an extra puff or two of smoke, and then relapsed 
into their usual tranquillity. 

At length tidings came that the patroon of Rensellaerwick had extended 
his usurpations along the river beyond the limits granted him by their 
High Mightinesses, and that he had even seized upon a rocky island 
in the Hudson, commonly known by the name of Beam or Bears Island, 
where he was erecting a fortress, to be called by the lordly name of 
Rensellaer stein. 

Wouter Van T'willer was roused by this intelligence. After consulting 
with his burgomasters, he dispatched a letter to the patroon of Rensel- 
laerwick, demanding by what right he had seized upon this island, which 
lay beyond the bounds of his patroonship. The answer of Killian Van 
Rensellaer was in his own lordly style, '■'■By wapen recht !" — that is to 
say, by the right of arms, or, in common parlance, by club-law. This 
answer plunged the worthy Wouter in one of the deepest doubts he had 
in the whole course of his administration ; in the meantime, while 
Wouter doubted, the lordly Killian went on to finish his fortress of Ren- 
sellaerstein, about which I foresee I shall have something to record in a 
future chapter of this history. 

[ loo ] 



Chapter vi 



IN which the Reader is beguiled into a deleSiable IFalk^ 
which ends very differently from what it commenced. 

IN the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and four, on 
a fine afternoon in the glowing month of September, I took my 
customary walk upon the Battery, which is at once the pride and 
bulwark of this ancient and impregnable city of Neiv York. The 
ground on which I trod was hallowed by recolleftions of the 
past, and, as I slowly wandered through the long alley of poplars, which, 
like so many birch brooms standing on end, diffused a melancholy and 
lugubrious shade, my imagination drew a contrast between the sur- 
rounding scenery and what it was in the classic days of our forefathers. 
Where the government house by name, but the custom-house by oc- 
cupation, proudly reared its brick walls and wooden pillars, there whilom 
stood the low, but substantial, red-tiled mansion of the renowned IVouter 
Van Twiller. Around it the mighty bulwarks of Fort Amsterdam frowned 
defiance to every absent foe, but, like many a whiskered warrior and 
gallant militia captain, confined their martial deeds to frowns alone. 
The mud breastworks had long been levelled with the earth and their 
site converted into the green lawns and leafy alleys of the Battery, where 
the gay apprentice sported his Sunday coat, and the laborious mechanic, 
relieved from the dirt and drudgery of the week, poured his weekly tale 
of love into the half-averted ear of the sentimental chambermaid. The 
capacious bay still presented the same expansive sheet of water, studded 
with islands, sprinkled with fishing-boats, and bounded by shores of 
pifturesque beauty. But the dark forests which once clothed those 
shores had been violated by the savage hand of cultivation, and their 
tangled mazes and impenetrable thickets had degenerated into teeming 
orchards and waving fields of grain. Even Governor s Island, once a 
smiling garden, appertaining to the sovereigns of the province, was now 
covered with fortifications, inclosing a tremendous block-house, so that 
this once peaceful island resembled a fierce little warrior in a big cocked 
hat, breathing gunpowder and defiance to the world ! 
For some time did I indulge in a pensive train of thought, — contrasting, 
m sober sadness, the present day with the hallowed years behind the 
mountains ; lamenting the melancholy progress of improvement and 

[ lOI ] 



A History of [Bk. m 

praising the zeal with which our worthy burghers endeavored to pre- 
serve the wrecks of venerable customs, prejudices, and errors from the 
overwhelming tide of modern innovation, — when, by degrees, my ideas 
took a different turn, and I insensibly awakened to an enjoyment of 
the beauties around me. 

It was one of those rich autumnal days which heaven particularly be- 
stows upon the beauteous island of Mannahata and its vicinity ; not a 
floating cloud obscured the azure firmament ; the sun, rolling in glo- 
rious splendor through his ethereal course, seemed to expand his honest 
Dutch countenance into an unusual expression of benevolence as he 
smiled his evening salutation upon a city which he delights to visit 
with his most bounteous beams ; the very winds seemed to hold in their 
breaths in mute attention, lest they should ruffle the tranquillity of the 
hour, and the waveless bosom of the bay presented a polished mirror 
in which nature beheld herself and smiled. The standard of our city, 
reserved, like a choice handkerchief, for days of gala, hung motionless 
on the flag-staff, which forms the hp.ndle of a gigantic churn ; and even 
the tremulous leaves of the poplar and the aspen ceased to vibrate to 
the breath of heaven. Everything seemed to acquiesce in the profound 
repose of nature. The formidable eighteen-pounders slept in the em- 
brazures of the wooden batteries, seemingly gathering fresh strength to 
fight the battles of their country on the next Fourth of July ; the solitary 
drum on Governor s Island forgot to call the garrison to their shovels; 
the evening gun had not yet sounded its signal for all the regular well- 
meaning poultry throughout the country to go to roost, and the fleet 
of canoes at anchor between Gibbet Island and Communipaw slumbered 
on their rakes and suffered the innocent oysters to lie for a while un- 
molested in the soft mud of their native banks ! My own feelings sym- 
pathized with the contagious tranquillity, and I should infallibly have 
dozed upon one of those fragments of benches which our benevolent 
magistrates have provided for the benefit of convalescent loungers, had 
not the extraordinary inconvenience of the couch set all repose at de- 
fiance. 

In the midst of this slumber of the soul my attention was attradted to 
a black speck peering above the western horizon, just in the rear of 
Bergen steeple : gradually it augments and overhangs the would-be cities 
oi Jersey, Harsimus, and Hoboken, which, like three jockeys, are starting 
on the course of existence and jostling each other at the commencement 
of the race. Now it skirts the long shore of ancient Pavonia, spreading 
its wide shadows from the high settlements of Weehawk quite to the 
lazaretto and quarantine eredted by the sagacity of our police for the 

[ 102 ] 



Ch. vi] New York 



c. 



embarrassment of commerce; now it climbs the serene vault of heaven, 
cloud rolling over cloud, shrouding the orb of day, darkening the vast 
expanse, and bearing thunder and hail and tempest in its bosom. The 
earth seems agitated at the confusion of the heavens ; the late waveless 
mirror is lashed into furious weaves that roll in hollow murmurs to the 
shore ; the oyster-boats that erst sported in the placid vicinity of Gibbet 
Island now hurry affrighted to the land ; the poplar writhes and twists 
and whistles in the blast ; torrents of drenching rain and sounding hail 
deluge the Battery walks ; the gates are thronged by apprentices, ser- 
vant-maids, and little Frenchmen, with pocket-handkerchiefs over 'their 
hats, scampering from the storm ; the late beauteous prosped: presents 
one scene of anarchy and wild uproar, as though old Chaos had re- 
sumed his reign and was hurling back into one vast turmoil the con- 
flifting elements of nature. 

Whether I fled from the fury of the storm, or remained boldly at my 
post, as our gallant train-band captains who march their soldiers through 
the rain without flinching, are points which I leave to the conjefture 
oi the reader. It is possible he may be a little perplexed also to know 
the reason why I introduced this tremendous tempest to disturb the 
serenity of my work. On this latter point I will gratuitously instruct 
his ignorance. The panorama view of the Battery was given merely to 
gratify the reader with a correct description of that celebrated place 
and the parts adjacent ; secondly, the storm was played off, partly to 
give a little bustle and life to this tranquil part of my work and to 
keep my drowsy readers from falling asleep, and partly to serve as an 
overture to the tempestuous times which are about to assail the pacific 
province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and which overhang the slumbrous ad- 
ministration of the renowned Woiiter Van Twiller. It is thus the expe- 
rienced playwright puts all the fiddles, the French-horns, the kettle- 
drums, and trumpets of his orchestra in requisition, to usher in one of 

those horrible and brimstone uproars called Me/odrames, and it is thus 

he discharges his thunder, his lightning, his rosin, and saltpetre, pre- 
paratory to the rising of a ghost or the murdering of a hero. We will 
now proceed with our history. 

Whatever may be advanced by philosophers to the contrary, I am of 
opinion that, as to nations, the old maxim, that "honesty is the best 
policy," is a sheer and ruinous mistake. It might have answered well 
enough in the honest times when it was made, but in these degenerate 
days, if a nation pretends to rely merely upon the justice of its dealings. 
It will fare something like the honest man who fell among thieves and 
found his honesty a poor protedion against bad company. Such at least 

[ 103 ] 



A History ^r. [Bk. m 

was the case with the guileless government of the New Netherlands^ 
which, like a worthy, unsuspicious old burgher, quietly settled itself 
down in the city of New Amsterdam, as into a snug elbow-chair, and 
fell into a comfortable nap, while, in the mean time, its cunning neigh- 
bors stepped in and picked its pockets. In a word, we may ascribe the 
commencement of all the woes of this great province and its magnifi- 
cent metropolis to the tranquil security, or, to speak more accurately, 
to the unfortunate honesty of its government. But as I dislike to begin 
an important part of my history towards the end of a chapter, and as my 
readers, like myself, must doubtless be exceedingly fatigued with the 
long walk we have taken and the tempest we have sustained, I hold 
it meet we shut up the book, smoke a pipe, and, having thus refreshed 
our spirits, take a fair start in a new chapter. 



Ch 

[ 104 ] 



Chapter vii 



FAITHFULLY describing the Ingenious People of Con- 
necticut and thereabouts — showing, moreover, the true meaning of Liberty 
of Conscience, and a curious device among these sturdy Barbarians to keep up 
a Harmony of Intercourse and promote Population. 

THAT my readers may the more fully comprehend the ex- 
tent of the calamity at this very moment impending over 
the honest, unsuspecting province of Nieuw Nederlandts 
and its dubious governor, it is necessary that I should give 
some account of a horde of strange barbarians bordering 
upon the eastern frontier. 

Now so it came to pass, that, many years previous to the time of which 
we are treating, the sage cabinet of England had adopted a certain 
national creed, a kind of public walk of faith, or rather a religious 
turnpike, in which every loyal subject was directed to travel to Zion, — 
taking care to pay the toll-gatherers by the way. 

Albeit a certain shrewd race of men, being very much given to indulge 
their own opinions on all manner of subjects (a propensity exceedingly of- 
fensive to your free governments of £/<;ro/)t'), did most presumptuously dare 
to think for themselves in matters of religion, exercising what they con- 
sidered a natural and unextinguishable right — the liberty of conscience. 
As, however, they possessed that ingenious habit of mind which always 
thinks aloud, which rides cock-a-hoop on the tongue, and is forever 
galloping into other people's ears, it naturally followed that their liberty 
of conscience likewise implied liberty of speech, which, being freely in- 
dulged, soon put the country in a hubbub and aroused the pious indig- 
nation of the vigilant fathers of the church. 

The usual methods were adopted to reclaim them, which in those days 
were considered efficacious in bringing back stray sheep to the fold ; 
that is to say, they were coaxed, they were admonished, they were 
menaced, they were buffisted, — line upon line, precept upon precept, 
lash upon lash, here a little and there a great deal, were exhorted 
without mercy and without success, — until the worthy pastors of the 
church, wearied out by their unparalleled stubbornness, were driven, in 
the excess of their tender mercy, to adopt the Scripture text and liter- 
ally to " heap live embers on their heads." 

[ 105 ] 



A History of [Bk. m 



Nothing, however, could subdue that independence of the tongue which 
has ever distinguished this singular race, so that, rather than subjeft that 
heroic member to further tyranny, they one and all embarked for the 
wilderness of America, to enjoy, unmolested, the inestimable right of 
talking. And, in faft, no sooner did they land upon the shore of this 
free-spoken country, than they all lifted up their voices, and made such 
a clamor of tongues, that we are told they frightened every bird and 
beast out of the neighborhood, and struck such mute terror into certain 
fish that they have been called dumb-Jish ever since. 
This may appear marvellous, but it is nevertheless true ; in proof of 
which I would observe that the dumb-fish has ever since become an 
objeft of superstitious reverence, and forms the Saturday's dinner of 
every true Yankee. 

The simple aborigines of the land for a while contemplated these strange 
folk in utter astonishment ; but, discovering that they wielded harmless 
though noisy weapons, and were a lively, ingenious, good-humored race 
of men, they became very friendly and sociable, and gave them the name 
of Tanokies, which in the Mais-Tchusaeg (or Massachusett) language sig- 
nifies silent men, — a waggish appellation, since shortened into the familiar 
epithet of Yankees, which they retain unto the present day. 
True it is, and my fidelity as an historian will not allow me to pass over the 
fad, that, having served a regular apprenticeship in the school of persecu- 
tion, these ingenious people soon showed that they had become masters of 
the art. The great majority were of one particular mode of thinking in 
matters of religion ; but, to their great surprise and indignation, they 
found that divers papists, quakers, and anabaptists were springing up 
among them, and all claiming to use the liberty of speech. This was at 
once pronounced a daring abuse of the liberty of conscience, which they 
now insisted was nothing more than the liberty to think as one pleased in 
matters of religion — provided one thought right ; for otherwise it would 
be giving a latitude to damnable heresies. Now, as they, the majority, 
were convinced that they alone thought right, it consequently followed 
that whoever thought different from them thought wrong, — and who- 
ever thought wrong, and obstinately persisted in not being convinced and 
converted, was a flagrant violator of the inestimable liberty of conscience, 
and a corrupt and infeftious member of the body politic, and deserved to 
be lopped off and cast into the fire. The consequence of all which was a 
fiery persecution of divers seds, and especially of quakers. 
Now, I '11 warrant there are hosts of my readers ready at once to lift up 
their hands and eyes with that virtuous indignation with which we con- 
template the faults and errors of our neighbors, and to exclaim at the pre- 

[ io6 ] 



Ch.vii] New York (^c. 



posterous idea of convincing the mind by tormenting the body, and estab- 
lishing the dodrine of charity and forbearance by intolerant persecution. 
But in simple truth, what are we doing at this very day, and in this very 
enlightened nation, but ading upon the very same principle in our polit- 
ical controversies ? Have we not within but a few years released ourselves 
from the shackles of a government which cruelly denied us the privilege 
of governing ourselves, and using in full latitude that invaluable member, 
the tongue ; and are we not at this very moment striving our best to tyran- 
nize over the opinions, tie up the tongues, and ruin the fortunes of one 
another ? What are our great political societies but mere political inquisi- 
tions, — our pot-house committees but little tribunals of denunciation, 

our newspapers but mere whipping-posts and pillories, where unfortunate 
individuals are pelted with rotten eggs, — and our council of appointment 
but a grand auto dafe, where culprits are annually sacrificed for their po- 
litical heresies ? 

Where, then, is the difference in principle between our measures and 
those you are so ready to condemn among the people I am treating of? 
There is none ; the difference is merely circumstantial. Thus we denounce, 
instead of banishing, — we libel, instead of scourging, — we turn out of 
office, instead of hanging, — and where they burnt an offender in proper 

person, we either tar and feather or burn him in effigy, this political 

persecution being, somehow or other, the grand palladium of our lib- 
erties, and an incontrovertible proof that this is a free country ! 
But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with which this holy war was 
prosecuted against the whole race of unbelievers, we do not find that 
the population of this new colony was in any wise hindered therebv ; 
on the contrary, they multiplied to a degree which would be incredible 
to any man unacquainted with the marvellous fecundity of this growing 
country. 

This amazing increase may, indeed, be partly ascribed to a singular cus- 
tom prevalent among them, commonly known by the name of bundling, 
— a superstitious rite observed by the young people of both sexes, with 
which they usually terminated their festivities, and which was kept up 
with religious stridness by the more bigoted part of the community. 
This ceremony was likewise, in those primitive times, considered as an 
indispensable preliminary to matrimony, their courtships commencing 
where ours usually finish, — by which means they acquired that inti- 
mate acquaintance with each other's good qualities before marriage 
which has been pronounced by philosophers the sure basis of a happy 
union. Thus early did this cunning and ingenious people display a 
shrewdness of making a bargain, which has ever since distinguished 

[ 107 ] 



A History ^c. [Bk. m 



them, and astrift adherence to the good old vulgar maxim about "buy- 
ing a pig in a poke." 

To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I chiefly attribute the unparal- 
leled increase of the Yanokie or Yankee race ; for it is a certain faft, well 
authenticated by court records and parish registers, that wherever the 
practice of bundling prevailed, there was an amazing number of sturdy 
brats annually born unto the State, without the license of the law or 
the benefit of clergy. Neither did the irregularity of their birth operate in 
the least to their disparagement. On the contrary, they grew up a long- 
sided, raw-boned, hardy race of whoreson whalers, wood-cutters, fisher- 
men, and peddlers, and strapping corn-fed wenches, — who by their united 
efforts tended marvellously towards peopling those notable trads of coun- 
try called Nantucket, Piscataway, and Cape Cod. 



Ch 

[ io8 ] 



Chapter viii 



HOW these singular Barbarians turned out to be notori- 
ous Squatters; How they built Air-Castles and attempted to initiate the Ned- 
ERLANDERS iuto the Mystery of Bundling. 

IN the last chapter I have given a faithful and unprejudiced ac- 
count of the origin of that singular race of people inhabiting the 
country eastward of the Nieuw Nederlandts; but I have yet to men- 
tion certain peculiar habits which rendered them exceedingly an- 
noying to our ever-honored Dutch ancestors. 
The most prominent of these was a certain rambling propensity with 
which, like the sons of Ishmael, they seem to have been gifted by hea- 
ven, and which continually goads them on to shift their residence from 
place to place, so that a Yankee farmer is in a constant state of migra- 
tion, tarrying occasionally here and there, clearing lands for other peo- 
ple to enjoy, building houses for others to inhabit, and in a manner 
may be considered the wandering Arab of America. 
His first thought, on coming to years of manhood, is to settle himself in the 
world, — which means nothing more nor less than to begin his rambles. 
To this end he takes unto himself for a wife some buxom country heiress, 
passing rich in red ribands, glass beads, and mock tortoise-shell combs, 
with a white gown and morocco shoes for Sunday, and deeply skilled in 
the mystery ot making apple-sweetmeats, long sauce, and pumpkin-pie. 
Having thus provided himself, like a peddler with a heavy knapsack, 
wherewith to regale his shoulders through the journey of life, he liter- 
ally sets out on the peregrination. His whole family, household furni- 
ture, and farming utensils are hoisted into a covered cart, his own and 
his wife's wardrobe packed up in a firkin, — which done, he shoulders 
his axe, takes staff in hand, whistles " Yankee doodle^' and trudges off 
to the woods, as confident of the protedlion of Providence, and relying 
as cheerfully upon his own resources, as ever did a patriarch of yore 
when he journeyed into a strange country of the Gentiles. Having bur- 
ied himself in the wilderness, he builds himself a log hut, clears away 
a corn-field and potato-patch, and. Providence smiling upon his labors, 
is soon surrounded by a snug farm and some half a score of flaxen- 
headed urchins, who, by their size, seem to have sprung all at once 
out of the earth, like a crop of toadstools. 

[ 109 ] 



A History of [Bk. m 

But it is not the nature of this most indefatigable of speculators to rest 
contented with any state of sublunary enjoyment: if}ip,ovement is his 
darling passion ; and having thus improved his lands, the next care is 
to provide a mansion worthy the residence of a landholder. A huge 
palace of pine boards immediately springs up in the midst of the wil- 
derness, large enough for a parish church, and furnished with windows 
of all dimensions, but so rickety and flimsy withal that every blast gives 
it a fit of the ague. 

By the time the outside of this mighty air-castle is completed, either 
the funds or the zeal of our adventurer is exhausted, so that he barely 
manages to furnish one room within, where the whole family burrow 
together, while the rest of the house is devoted to the curing of pump- 
kins or storing of carrots and potatoes, and is decorated with fanciful fes- 
toons of dried apples and peaches. The outside, remaining unpainted, 
grows venerably black with time ; the family wardrobe is laid under con- 
tribution for old hats, petticoats, and breeches, to stuff into the broken 
windows, while the four winds of heaven keep up a whistling and howl- 
ing about this aerial palace, and play as many unruly gambols as they 
did of yore in the cave of old /Eolus. 

The humble log hut, which whilom nestled this improving family snugly 
within its narrow but comfortable walls, stands hard by, in ignomin- 
ious contrast, degraded into a cowhouse or pigsty ; and the whole 
scene reminds one forcibly of a fable, which I am surprised has never 
been recorded, of an aspiring snail who abandoned his humble habita- 
tion, which he had long filled with great respeftability, to crawl into the 
empty shell of a lobster, — where he would no doubt have resided with 
great style and splendor, the envy and the hate of all the painstaking 
snails in the neighborhood, had he not perished with cold in one corner 
of his stupendous mansion. 

Being thus completely settled, and, to use his own words, "to rights," 
one would imagine that he would begin to enjoy the comforts of his 
situation, — to read newspapers, talk politics, negleft his own business 
and attend to the affairs of the nation, like a useful and patriotic citi- 
zen ; but now it is that his wayward disposition begins again to operate. 
He soon grows tired of a spot where there is no longer any room for 
improvement, — sells his farm, air-castle, petticoat windows and all, re- 
loads his cart, shoulders his axe, puts himself at the head of his family, 
and wanders away in search of new lands, — again to fell trees, — again 
to clear corn-fields, — again to build a shingle palace, and again to sell 
off and wander. Such were the people of ConiicUicut who bordered upon 
the eastern frontier of New Netherlands, and my readers may easily 

[ no ] 



Ch.viii] New York ^c. 



imagine what uncomfortable neighbors this hght-hearted but restless 
tribe must have been to our tranquil progenitors. If they cannot, I 
would ask them if they have ever known one of our regular, well-organ- 
ized Dutc/i families whom it hath pleased heaven to afflid: with the 
neighborhood of a Frenc/i boarding-house! The honest old burgher 
cannot take his afternoon's pipe on the bench before his door, but he 
is persecuted with the scraping of fiddles, the chattering of women, 
and the squalling of children ; he cannot sleep at night for the horrible 
melodies of some amateur who chooses to serenade the moon and dis- 
play his terrible proficiency in execution on the clarionet, hautboy, or 
some other soft-toned instrument ; nor can he leave the street-door 
open, but his house is defiled by the unsavory visits of a troop of pup- 
dogs, who even sometimes carry their loathsome ravages into the sanc- 
tum san^orum, the parlor ! 

If my readers have ever witnessed the sufferings of such a family so 
situated, they may form some idea how our worthy ancestors were dis- 
tressed by their mercurial neighbors of ConneSlkut. 

Gangs of these marauders, we are told, penetrated into the New Nether- 
land settlements and threw whole villages into consternation by their 
unparalleled volubility and their intolerable inquisitiveness, — two evil 
habits hitherto unknown in those parts, or only known to be abhorred ; 
for, our ancestors were noted as being men of truly Spartan taciturnity, 
and who neither knew nor cared aught about anybody's concerns but 
their own. Many enormities were committed on the highways, where 
several unoffending burghers were brought to a stand and tortured 
with questions and guesses, — which outrages occasioned as much vexa- 
tion and heart-burning as does the modern right of search on the high 
seas. 

Great jealousy did they likewise stir up by their intermeddling and 
successes among the divine sex ; for, being a race of brisk, likely, pleas- 
ant-tongued varlets, they soon seduced the light affedions of the sim- 
ple damsels from their ponderous Dutch gallants. Among other hideous 
customs, they attempted to introduce among them that of bundling, 
which the Dutch lasses of the Nederlandts, with that eager passion for 
novelty and foreign fashions natural to their sex, seemed very well in- 
clined to follow, but that their mothers, being more experienced in the 
world and better acquainted with men and things, strenuously discoun- 
tenanced all such outlandish innovations. 

But what chiefly operated to embroil our ancestors with these strange 
folk was an unwarrantable liberty which they occasionally took of enter- 
mg in hordes into the territories of the New Netherlands, and settling 

[ III ] 



A History ^r. [Bk. m 

themselves down, without leave or license, to improve the land in the 
manner I have before noticed. This unceremonious mode of taking pos- 
session of new land was technically termed squatting, and hence is derived 
the appellation oi squatters, — a name odious in the ears of all great land- 
holders, and which is given to those enterprising worthies who seize 
upon land first and take their chance to make good their title to it 
afterwards. 

All these grievances, and many others which were constantly accumu- 
lating, tended to form that dark and portentous cloud which, as I 
observed in a former chapter, was slowly gathering over the tranquil 
province of New Netherlands. The pacific cabinet of Van Twiller, how- 
ever, as will be perceived in the sequel, bore them all with a magna- 
nimity that redounds to their immortal credit, becoming by passive 
endurance inured to this increasing mass of wrongs, — like that mighty 
man of old who, by dint of carrying about a calf from the time it was 
born, continued to carry it without difficulty when it had grown to be 
an ox. 



Ch 

[ 112 ] 



Chapter ix 



HOW the fort Goed Hoop was fearfully beleaguered ; 
How the Renowned WovterJc// into a profound Doubt, and how he Jinally 
evaporated. 

BY this time my readers must fully perceive what an arduous 
task I have undertaken — exploring a little kind of Hercula- 
ncum of history, which had lain nearly for ages buried under 
the rubbish of years, and almost totally forgotten ; raking up 
the limbs and fragments of disjointed fafts, and endeavoring 
to put them scrupulously together, so as to restore them to their origi- 
nal form and connection ; now lugging forth the charafter of an al- 
most forgotten hero, like a mutilated statue ; now deciphering a half- 
defaced inscription, and now lighting upon a mouldering manuscript, 
which, after painful study, scarce repays the trouble of perusal. 
In such case, how much has the reader to depend upon the honor and 
probity of his author, lest, like a cunning antiquarian, he either im- 
pose upon him some spurious fabrication of his own for a precious 
relic of antiquity, or else dress up the dismembered fragment with such 
false trappings that it is scarcely possible to distinguish the truth from 
the fiction with which it is enveloped. This is a grievance which I 
have more than once had to lament in the course of my wearisome 
researches among the works of my fellow-historians, who have strangely 
disguised and distorted the fafts respecting this country, and particu- 
larly respecting the great province of New Netherlands, as will be per- 
ceived by any who will take the trouble to compare their romantic 
effusions, tricked out in the meretricious gauds of fable, with this au- 
thentic history. 

I have had more vexations of the kind to encounter in those parts of 
my history which treat of the transactions on the eastern border than 
in any other, in consequence of the troops of historians who have in- 
fested these quarters and have shown the honest people of Nieuw Ned- 
erlandts no mercy in their works. Among the rest, Mr. Benjamin Trum- 
bull arrogantly declares that "the Dutch were always mere intruders." 
Now, to this I shall make no other reply than to proceed in the steady 
narration of my history, which will contain not only proofs that the 
Dutch had clear title and possession in the fair valleys of the ConneBicut, 

[ 113 ] 



A History of [Bk. 



Ill 



and that they were wrongfully dispossessed thereof, but likewise that 
they have been scandalously maltreated ever since by the misrepresen- 
tations of the crafty historians of New England. And in this I shall be 
guided by a spirit of truth and impartiality and a regard to immortal 
fame ; for, I would not wittingly dishonor my work, by a single false- 
hood, misrepresentation, or prejudice, though it should gain our fore- 
fathers the whole country of New England. 

I have already noticed in a former chapter of my history that the ter- 
ritories of the Nieuw Nedcrlandu extended on the east quite to the 
Varsche or fresh, or ConneSlicutK'wtr. Here, at an early period, had been 
established a frontier-post on the bank of the river, and called Fort 
Goed Hoop, not far from the site of the present fair city of Hartford. 
It was placed under the command of Jacobus Van Curkt, or Curlis, as 
some historians will have it, — a doughty soldier of that stomachful 
class famous for eating all they kill. He was long in the body and 
short in the limb, as though a tall man's body had been mounted on a 
little man's legs. He made up for this turnspit construdion by striding 
to such an extent that you would have sworn he had on the seven- 
leagued boots of Jack the Giant-killer ; and so high did he tread on pa- 
rade that his soldiers were sometimes alarmed lest he should trample 
himself under foot. 

But notwithstanding the erection of this fort and the appointment of 
this ugly little man of war as commander, the Yankees continued the 
interlopings hinted at in my last chapter, and at length had the au- 
dacity to squat themselves down within the very jurisdidion of Fort 
Goed Hoop. 

The long-bodied Van Curlet protested with great spirit against these 
unwarrantable encroachments, couching his protest in Low Dutch, by 
way of inspiring more terror, and forthwith dispatched a copy of the 
protest to the governor at New Amsterdam, together with a long and 
bitter account of the aggressions of the enemy. This done, he ordered 
his men, one and all, to be of good cheer, shut the gate of the fort, 
smoked three pipes, went to bed, and awaited the result with a reso- 
lute and intrepid tranquillity that greatly animated his adherents and 
no doubt struck sore dismay and affright into the hearts of the enemy. 
Now, it came to pass that about this time the renowned Wouter Van 
Twiller, full of years and honors and council-dinners, had reached that 
period of life and faculty which, according to the great Gulliver, enti- 
tles a man to admission into the ancient order of Struldbruggs. He em- 
ployed his time in smoking his Turkish pipe, amid an assemblage of 
sao-es equally enlightened and nearly as venerable as himself, and who. 



Ch. ix] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

for their silence, their gravity, their wisdom, and their cautious averse- 
ness to coming to any conckision in business, are only to be equalled 
by certain profound corporations which I have known in my time. 
Upon reading the protest of the gallant JacoSus Van Cur/et, therefore, 
his excellency fell straightway into one of the deepest doubts that ever 
he was known to encounter ; his capacious head gradually drooped on 
his chest, he closed his eyes, and inclined his ear to one side, as if lis- 
tening with great attention to the discussion that was going on in his 
belly, — and which all who knew him declared to be the huge court- 
house or council-chamber of his thoughts, forming to his head what 
the House of Representatives do to the Senate. An inarticulate sound, 
very much resembling a snore, occasionally escaped him ; but the na- 
ture of this internal cogitation was never known, as he never opened 
his lips on the subje(5t to man, woman, or child. In the meantime, the 
protest of Van Curlet lay quietly on the table, where it served to light 
the pipes of the venerable sages assembled in council ; and in the great 
smoke which they raised, the gallant "Jacobus^ his protest, and his 
mighty Fort Goed Hoop were soon as completely beclouded and for- 
gotten as is a question of emergency swallowed up in the speeches and 
resolutions of a modern session of Congress. 

There are certain emergencies when your profound legislators and sage 
deliberative councils are mightily in the way of a nation, and when an 
ounce of harebrained decision is worth a pound of sage doubt and cau- 
tious discussion. Such, at least, was the case at present ; for, while the 
renowned Wouter Van 'Twiller was daily battling with his doubts, and 
his resolution growing weaker and weaker in the contest, the enemy 
pushed farther and farther into his territories and assumed a most for- 
midable appearance in the neighborhood of Fort Goed Hoop. Here they 
founded the mighty town of Pyquag, or, as it has since been called, 
Weathersfield, a place which, if we may credit the assertions of that 
worthy historian, John Josselyn, Gent., "hath been infamous by reason 
of the witches therein." And so daring did these men oi Pyquag become, 
that they extended those plantations of onions, for which their town is 
illustrious, under the very noses of the garrison of Fort Goed Hoop, inso- 
much that the honest Dutchmen could not look toward that quarter 
without tears in their eyes. 

This crying injustice was regarded with proper indignation by the 
gallant 'Jacobus Van Curlet. He absolutely trembled with the violence 
of his choler and the exacerbations of his valor, which were the more 
turbulent in their workings from the length of the body in which they 
were agitated. He forthwith proceeded to strengthen his redoubts, 

[ 115 ] 



A History of [Bk. m 

heighten his breastworlcs, deepen his fosse, and fortify his position with 
a double row of abatis ; after which he dispatched a fresh courier with 
accounts of his perilous situation. 

The courier chosen to bear the dispatches was a fat, oily little man, 
as being less liable to be worn out, or to lose leather on the journey ; 
and, to insure his speed, he was mounted on the iieetest wagon-horse in 
the garrison, remarkable for length of limb, largeness of bone, and hard- 
ness of trot, and so tall that the little messenger was obliged to climb 
on his back, by means of his tail and crupper. Such extraordinary speed 
did he make that he arrived at Fort Amsterdam in a little less than a 
month, though the distance was full two hundred pipes, or about one 
hundred and twenty miles. 

With an appearance of great hurry and business, and smoking a short 
travelling-pipe, he proceeded on a long swing-trot through the muddy 
lanes of the metropolis, demolishing whole batches of dirt-pies which 
the little Dutch children were making in the road, and for which kind 
of pastry the children of this city have ever been famous. On arriving 
at the governor's house, he climbed down from his steed, roused the 
gray-headed door-keeper, old Skaats (who, like his lineal descendant and 
faithful representative, the venerable crier of our court, was nodding 
at his post), rattled at the door of the council-chamber, and startled the 
members as they were dozing over a plan for establishing a public mar- 
ket. 

At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather a deep-drawn snore, was 
heard from the chair of the governor ; a whiff of smoke was at the 
same instant observed to escape from his lips, and a light cloud to as- 
cend from the bowl of his pipe. The council, of course, supposed him 
engaged in deep sleep for the good of the community, and, according 
to custom in all such cases established, every man bawled out silence, 
when, of a sudden, the door flew open and the little courier straddled 
into the apartment, cased to the middle in a pair of Hessian boots 
which he had got into for the sake of expedition. In his right hand he 
held forth the ominous dispatches, and with his left he grasped firmly 
the waistband of his galligaskins, which had unfortunately given way 
in the exertion of descending from his horse. He stumped resolutely 
up to the governor, and with more hurry than perspicuity delivered 
his message. But fortunately his ill tidings came too late to ruffle the 
tranquillity of this most tranquil of rulers. His venerable excellency 
had just breathed and smoked his last, — his lungs and his pipe having 
been exhausted together, and his peaceful soul having escaped in the 
last whiff that curled from his tobacco-pipe. In a word, the renowned 

[ ii6 ] 



Ch. ix] 



New York 



c. 



Walter the Doubter, who had so often slumbered with his contempora- 
ries, now slept with his fathers, and Wilhelmus Kieft governed in his 
stead. 






[ 117 ] 



BOOK IV 

Containing 
The Chronicles of the Reign of 



BOOK 



I V 



Chapter i 



SHOWING the Nature of History in general ; containing 

furthermore the universal Acquirements of William the Testy, and how a 
Man may learn so much as to render himself Good for Nothing. 

WHEN the lofty Thucydides is about to enter upon his de- 
scription of the plague that desolated Athens^ one of his 
modern commentators assures the reader that the history- 
is now going to be exceeding solemn, serious, and pathetic, 
and hints, with that air of chuckling gratulation with 
which a good dame draws forth a choice morsel from a cupboard to regale 
a favorite, that this plague will give his history a most agreeable variety. 
In like manner did my heart leap within me when I came to the dolorous 
dilemma of Fort Goed Hoop, which I at once perceived to be the forerun- 
ner ot a series of great events and entertaining disasters. Such are the true 
subjeds for the historic pen. For, what is history, in fad, but a kind of 
Newgate calendar, a register of the crimes and miseries that man has in- 
flided on his fellowman .? It is a huge libel on human nature, to which 
we industriously add page after page, volume after volume, as if we were 
building up a monument to the honor rather than the infamy of our spe- 
cies. If we turn over the pages of these chronicles that man has written 
of himself, what are the charaifters dignified by the appellation of great, 
and held up to the admiration of posterity ? Tyrants, robbers, conquerors, 
renowned only for the magnitude of their misdeeds and the stupendous 
wrongs and miseries they have inflifted on mankind ; warriors, who have 
hired themselves to the trade of blood, not from motives of virtuous pa- 
triotism or to prote6l the injured and defenceless, but merely to gain the 
vaunted glory of being adroit and successful in massacring their fellow- 
beings ! What are the great events that constitute a glorious era ? The 
fall of empires ; the desolation of happy countries ; splendid cities smok- 
ing in their ruins ; the proudest works of art tumbled in the dust ; the 
shrieks and groans of whole nations ascending unto heaven ! 

[ 121 ] 



A History of [Bk. iv 

It is thus the historian may be said to thrive on the miseries of mankind, 
like birds of prey which hover over the held of battle to fatten on the 
mighty dead. It was observed by a great projeftor of inland lock-naviga- 
tion, that rivers, lakes, and oceans were only formed to feed canals. In like 
manner I am tempted to believe that plots, conspiracies, wars, victories, 
and massacres are ordained by Providence only as food for the historian. 
It is a source of great delight to the philosopher, in studying the won- 
derful economy of nature, to trace the mutual dependencies of things, 
how they are created reciprocally for each other, and how the most 
noxious and apparently unnecessary animal has its uses. Thus, those 
swarms of tlies, which are so often execrated as useless vermin, are 
created for the sustenance of spiders ; and spiders, on the other hand, 
are evidently made to devour flies. So those heroes, who have been 
such scourges to the world, were bounteously provided as themes for 
the poet and historian, while the poet and the historian were destined 
to record the achievements of heroes ! 

These and many similar refleftion? naturally arose in my mind as I 
took up my pen to commence the reign of William Kieft; for, now the 
stream of our history, which hitherto has rolled in a tranquil current, 
is about to depart forever from its peaceful haunts and brawl through 
many a turbulent and rugged scene. 

As some sleek ox, sunk in the rich repose of a clover-field, dozing and 
chewing the cud, will bear repeated blows before it rouses itself, so the 
province of Nieuw Nederlandts, having waxed fat under the drowsy 
reign of the Doubter, needed cuffs and kicks to rouse it into aftion. 
The reader will now witness the manner in which a peaceful commu- 
nity advances towards a state of war ; which is apt to be like the ap- 
proach of a horse to a drum, with much prancing and little progress, 
and too often with the wrong end foremost. 

Wilhelmus Kieft, who in 1634 ascended the gubernatorial chair (to 
borrow a favorite though clumsy appellation of modern, phraseologists), 
was of a lofty descent, his father being inspector of windmills in the 
ancient town oi Saardam ; and our hero, we are told, when a boy, made 
very curious investigations into the nature and operation of these ma- 
chines, which was one reason why he afterwards came to be so inge- 
nious a governor. His name, according to the most authentic etymolo- 
gists, was a corruption of Kyver, that is to say, a wrangler or scolder, 
and expressed the charafteristic of his family, which, for nearly two 
centuries, had kept the windy town of Saardam in hot water, and pro- 
duced more tartars and brimstones than any ten families in the place ; 
and so truly did he inherit this family peculiarity that he had not been 

[ 122 ] 



Ch. i] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

a year in the government of the province before he was universally 
denominated U^illiam the Testy. His appearance answered to his name. 
He was a brisk, wiry, waspish little old gentleman — such a one as may 
now and then be seen stumping about our city in a broad-skirted coat 
with huge buttons, a cocked hat stuck on the back of his head, and a 
cane as high as his chin. His face was broad, but his features were 
sharp ; his cheeks were scorched into a dusky red by two fiery little 
gray eyes ; his nose turned up, and the corners of his mouth turned 
down, pretty much like the muzzle of an irritable pug-dog. 
I have heard it observed by a profound adept in human physiology, that 
if a woman waxes fat with the progress of years, her tenure of life is some- 
what precarious, but if haply she withers as she grows old, she lives for- 
ever. Such promised to be the case with Williayn the Testy, who grew tough 
in proportion as he dried. He had withered, in fa6l, not through the pro- 
cess of years, but through the tropical fervor of his soul, which burnt like 
a vehement rushlight in his bosom, inciting him to incessant broils and 
bickerings. Ancient traditions speak much of his learning and of the gal- 
lant inroads he had made into the dead languages, in which he had made 
captive a host oi Greek nouns and Latin verbs, and brought off rich booty 
in ancient saws and apothegms, which he was wont to parade in his pub- 
lic harangues, as a triumphant general of yore his spo/'ui opima. Of meta- 
physics he knew enough to confound all hearers and himself into the 
bargain. In logic he knew the whole family of syllogisms and dilemmas, 
and was so proud of his skill that he never suffered even a self-evident 
fad: to pass unargued. It was observed, however, that he seldom got into 
an argument without getting into a perplexity, and then into a passion 
with his adversary for not being convinced gratis. 

He had, moreover, skirmished smartly on the frontiers of several of the 
sciences, was fond of experimental philosophy, and prided himself upon 
inventions of all kinds. His abode, which he had fixed at a Bowerie or 
country-seat, at a short distance from the city, just at what is now called 
Dutch street, soon abounded with proofs of his ingenuity : patent smoke- 
jacks that required a horse to work them ; Dutch ovens that roasted 
meat without fire ; carts that went before the horses ; weathercocks 
that turned against the wind, and other wrong-headed contrivances 
that astonished and confounded all beholders. The house, too, was be- 
set with paralytic cats and dogs, the subjects of his experimental phi- 
losophy ; and the yelling and yelping of the latter unhappy vidims of 
science, while aiding in the pursuit of knowledge, soon gained for the 
place the name oi '■'■ Dog s Misery," by which it continues to be known 
even at the present day. 

[ 123 ] 



A History ks^c. [Bk. iv 

It is in knowledge as in swimming : he who flounders and splashes on 
the surface makes more noise and attracts more attention than the pearl- 
diver who quietly dives in quest of treasures to the bottom. The vast 
acquirements of the new governor were the theme of marvel among 
the simple burghers of New Amsterdam ; he figured about the place as 
learned a man as a Bonze at Pekin who has mastered one half of the Chi- 
nese alphabet, and was unanimously pronounced a "universal genius !" 
I have known in my time many a genius of this stamp ; but, to speak 
my mind freely, I never knew one who, for the ordinary purposes of 
life, was worth his weight in straw. In this respeft, a little sound judg- 
ment and plain common sense is worth all the sparkling genius that 
ever wrote poetry or invented theories. Let us see how the universal 
acquirements of William the Testy aided him in the affairs of government. 



Ch 

[ 124 ] 



Chapter i i 



HOW William the Testy undertook to conquer by procla- 
mation; How he was a GREAT MAN abroad, but a little man in his 
own House. 

N^O sooner had this bustling little potentate been blown by 
a whifF of fortune into the seat of government than he 
called his council together to make them a speech on the 
state of affairs. 

Caius Gracchus, it is said, when he harangued the Roman 
populace, modulated his tone by an oratorical flute or pitch-pipe ; Wil- 
helmus Kieft, not having such an instrument at hand, availed himself of 
that musical organ or trump which nature has implanted in the midst 
of a man's face ; in other words, he preluded his address by a sonorous 
blast of the nose, — a preliminary flourish much in vogue among public 
orators. 

He then commenced by expressing his humble sense of his utter un- 
worthiness of the high post to which he had been appointed, — which 
made some of the simple burghers wonder why he undertook it, not 
knowing that it is a point of etiquette with a public orator never to 
enter upon office without declaring himself unworthy to cross the thresh- 
old. He then proceeded in a manner highly classic and erudite to speak 
of government generally, and of the governments of ancient Greece in 
particular, together with the wars of Rome and Carthage and the rise 
and fall of sundry outlandish empires which the worthy burghers had 
never read nor heard of. Having thus, after the manner of your learned 
orator, treated of things in general, he came, by a natural, roundabout 
transition, to the matter in hand, namely, the daring aggressions of the 
Tankees. 

As my readers are well aware of the advantage a potentate has of hand- 
ling his enemies as he pleases in his speeches and bulletins where he has 
the talk all on his own side, they may rest assured that William the Testy 
did not let such an opportunity escape of giving the Tankees what is called 
"a taste of his quality." In speaking of their inroads into the territories of 
their High Mightinesses, he compared them to the Gauls who desolated 
Rome, the Goths and Vandals who overran the fairest plains oi Europe ; but 
when he came to speak of the unparalleled audacity with which they of 

[ 125 ] 



A History of [Bk. 



IV 



Weathersjield had advanced their patches up to the very walls of Fort 
Goed Hoop, and threatened to smother the garrison in onions, tears of rage 
started into his eyes, as though he nosed the very offence in question. 
Having thus wrought up his tale to a climax he assumed a most belli- 
gerent look, and assured the council that he had devised an instrument, 
potent in its effects, and which he trusted would soon drive the Yankees 
from the land. So saying, he thrust his hand into one of the deep pockets 
of his broad-skirted coat and drew forth, not an infernal machine, but 
an instrument in writing, which he laid with great emphasis upon the 
table. 

The burghers gazed at it for a time in silent awe, as a wary housewife 
does at a gun, fearful it may go off half-cocked. The document in ques- 
tion had a sinister look, it is true ; it was crabbed in text, and from a 
broad red riband dangled the great seal of the province, about the size 
of a buckwheat pancake. Still, after all, it was but an instrument in writ- 
ing. Herein, however, existed the wonder of the invention. The docu- 
ment in question was a Proclamat-ion, ordering the Yankees to depart 
instantly from the territories of their High Mightinesses, under pain 
of suffering all the forfeitures and punishments in such case made and 
provided. It was on the moral effeft of this formidable instrument that 
WUhelmus Kieft calculated, pledging his valor as a governor that, once 
fulminated against the Yankees, it would, in less than two months, drive 
every mother's son of them across the borders. 

The council broke up in perfect wonder, and nothing was talked of for 
some time among the old men and women of New Amsterdam but the 
vast genius of the governor, and his new and cheap mode of fighting by 
proclamation. 

As to WUhelmus Kieft, having dispatched his proclamation to the fron- 
tiers, he put on his cocked hat and corduroy small-clothes, and, mount- 
ing a tall, raw-boned charger, trotted out to his rural retreat of Dogs 
Misery. Here, like the good Numa, he reposed from the toils of state, 
taking lessons in government, not from the nymph Egeria, but from the 
honored wife of his bosom, who was one of that class of females sent 
upon the earth a little after the flood, as a punishment for the sins of 
mankind, and commonly known by the appellation of knowing women. 
In fa6t, my duty as an historian obliges me to make known a circum- 
stance which was a great secret at the time, and consequently was not 
a subject of scandal at more than half the tea-tables in New Amsterdam, 
but which, like many other great secrets, has leaked out in the lapse of 
years, — and this was, that the great WUhelmus the Testy, though one of 
the most potent little men that ever breathed, yet submitted at home to a 

[ 126 ] 



Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K 



C. 



species of government neither laid down in Aristotle nor Plato; in short, 
it partook of the nature of a pure, unmixed tyranny, and is famiharly 
denominated petticoat government — an absolute sway which, although 
exceedingly common in these modern days, was very rare among the 
ancients, if we may judge from the rout made about the domestic econ- 
omy of honest Socrates, which is the only ancient case on record. 
The great Kieft, however, warded off all the sneers and sarcasms of his 
particular friends, who are ever ready to joke with a man on sore points 
of the kind, by alleging that it was a government of his own eledion, 
to which he submitted through choice, adding at the same time a pro- 
found maxim which he had found in an ancient author, that " he who 
would aspire to govern, should first learn to obey.'" 



Ch 

[ 127 ] 



Chapter iii 



IN which are recorded the sage ProjeSis of a Ruler of uni- 
versal Genius, — the Art of fighting by Proclamation, — and how that the i;<z/- 
/a«/ Jacobus Van Curlet came to be foully dishonored at Fort Goed Hoop. 

N^EVER was a more comprehensive, a more expeditious, or, 
what is still better, a more economical measure devised, than 
this of defeating the Yankees by proclamation, — an expedi- 
ent, likewise, so gentle and humane, there were ten chances 
to one in favor of its succeeding ; but then there was one 
chance to ten that it would not succeed ; as the ill-natured fates would 
have it, that single chance carried the day ! The proclamation was per- 
fect in all its parts, well constructed, well written, well sealed, and well pub- 
lished ; all that was wanting to insure its effect was, that the Yankees should 
stand in awe of it ; but, provoking to relate, they treated it with the most 
absolute contempt, applied it to an unseemly purpose ; and thus did the 
first warlike proclamation come to a shameful end — a fate which I am 
credibly informed has befallen but too many of its successors. 
So far from abandoning the country, those varlets continued their en- 
croachments, squatting along the green banks of the Varsche River and 
founding Hartford, Stamford, New Haven, and other border-towns. I have 
already shown how the onion patches of Py^tfrt'^ were an eyesoreto Jacobus 
Van Curlet and his garrison ; but now these moss-troopers increased in 
their atrocities, kidnapping hogs, impounding horses, and sometimes 
grievously ribroasting their owners. Our worthy forefathers could scarcely 
stir abroad without danger of being out-jockeyed in horse-flesh or taken 
in in bargaining ; while, in their absence, some daring Yankee peddler 
would penetrate to their homestead, and nearly ruin the good housewives 
with tin-ware and wooden bowls.* 



•The following cases in point appear in Hazard's Colleftion of State Papers: 
"In the meantime, they of Hartford have not onely usurped and taken in the lands of ConneBicott, 
although unrighteously and against the lawes of nations, but have hindered our nation in sowing theire 
own purchased broken up lands, but have also sowed them with corne in the night, which the Ned- 
erlanden had broken up and intended to sowe : and have beaten the servants of the high and mighty 
the honored companie, which were laboring upon theire master's lands, from theire lands, with sticks 
and plow staves in hostile manner laming, and among the rest, struck E'i.er Duckings [Efert Duyciink] 
a hole in his head, with a stick, so that the bloodc ran downe very strongly downe upon his body." 
"Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged to the honored companie, under pretence that it had 
eaten of theire grounde grass, when they had not any foot of inheritance. They proffered the hogg 

[ 128 ] 



ch.iii] New York ^c. 

I am well aware of the perils which environ me in this part of my his- 
tory. While raking, with curious hand but pious heart, among the moul- 
dering remains of former days, anxious to draw therefrom the honey of 
wisdom, I may tare somewhat like that valiant worthy, Samson, who, in 
meddling with the carcass of a dead lion, drew a swarm of bees about his 
ears. Thus, while narrating the many misdeeds of the Tanokie or Yankee 
tribe, it is ten chances to one but I offend the morbid sensibilities of cer- 
tain of their unreasonable descendants, who may fly out and raise such a 
buzzing about this unlucky head of mine that I shall need the tough hide 
of an Achilles or an Orlando Furioso to proteft me from their stings. 
Should such be the case, I should deeply and sincerely lament, not my 
misfortune in giving offence, but the wrong-headed perverseness of an ill- 
natured generation in taking offence at anything I say. That their ances- 
tors did use my ancestors ill is true, and I am very sorry for it. I would, 
with all my heart, the faft were otherwise ; but, as I am recording the 
sacred events of history, I 'd not bate one nail's breadth of the honest 
truth, though I were sure the whole edition of my work would be bought 
up and burnt by the common hangman of ConneSiicut. And, in sooth, now 
that these testy gentlemen have drawn me out, I will make bold to go 
farther, and observe that this is one of the grand purposes for which we 
impartial historians are sent into the world, — to redress wrongs and ren- 
der justice on the heads of the guilty ; so that, though a powerful nation 
may wrong its neighbors with temporary impunity, yet sooner or later 
an historian springs up who wreaks ample chastisement on it in return. 
Thus these moss-troopers of the east little thought, I '11 warrant it, while 
they were harassing the inoffensive province ot Nieu-w Nederlamlts and 
driving its unhappy governor to his wit's end, that an historian would ever 
arise and give them their own, with interest. Since, then, I am but per- 
forming my bounden duty as an historian, in avenging the wrongs of our 
revered ancestors, I shall make no further apology ; and, indeed, when it 
is considered that I have all these ancient borderers of the east in my 
power and at the mercy of my pen, I trust that it will be admitted I 
conduft myself with great humanity and moderation. 
It was long before IVilliajn the Testy could be persuaded that his much- 
vaunted war-measure was ineffectual ; on the contrary, he flew in a pas- 
sion whenever it was doubted, swearing that it was slow in operating, 
but when it once began to work it would soon purge the land of these 
invaders. When convinced at length of the truth, like a shrewd physi- 
cian, he attributed the failure to the quantity, not the quality, of the medi- 

for 5/. it the commissioners would have given ^s. for damage ; which the commissioners denied, be- 
cause noe man's own hogg (as men used to say) can trespass upon his owne master's grounde." 

[ 129 ] 



A History c^r. [Bk. iv 

cine, and resolved to double the dose. He fulminated, therefore, a second 
proclamation, more vehement than the first, forbidding all intercourse 
with these Yankee intruders, ordering the Dutch burghers on the fron- 
tiers to buy none of their pacing horses, measly pork, apple-sweetmeats, 
Weathersjield onions, or wooden bowls, and to furnish them with no sup- 
plies of gin, gingerbread, or sourkrout. 

Another interval elapsed, during which the last proclamation was as little 
regarded as the first, and the non-intercourse was especially set at naught 
by the young folk of both sexes, if we may judge by the active bundling 
which took place along the borders. 

At length, one day the inhabitants oi New Amsterdam were aroused by a 
furious barking of dogs, great and small, and beheld, to their surprise, 
the whole garrison of Fort Goed Hoop straggling into town all tattered 
and wayworn, with 'Jacobus Van Curlet at their head, bringing the mel- 
ancholy intelligence of the capture of Fort Goed Hoop by the Yankees. 
The fate of this important fortress is an impressive warning to all mili- 
tary commanders. It was neither carried by storm nor famine, nor was 
it undermined nor bombarded, nor set on fire by red-hot shot ; but was 
taken by a stratagem no less singular than effectual, and which can never 
fail of success whenever an opportunity occurs of putting it in practice. 
It seems that the Yankees had received intelligence that the garrison of 
Jacobus Van Curlet had been reduced nearly one-eighth by the death of 
two of his most corpulent soldiers, who had overeaten themselves on fat 
salmon caught in the Varsche River. A secret expedition was immediately 
set on foot to surprise the fortress. The crafty enemy, knowing the habits 
of the garrison to sleep soundly after they had eaten their dinners and 
smoked their pipes, stole upon them at the noontide of a sultry summer's 
day and surprised them in the midst of their slumbers. 
In an instant the flag of their High Mightinesses was lowered and the 
Yankee standard elevated in its stead, being a dried codfish, by way of a 
spread eagle. A strong garrison was appointed, of long-sided, hard-fisted 
Yankees, ^\\\\ Weathersjield onions for cockades and feathers. As to Jacobus 
Van Curlet and his men, they were seized by the nape of the neck, con- 
duced to the gate, and one by one dismissed by a kick in the crupper, 
as Charles XII. dismissed the heavy-bottomed Russians at the battle of 
Narva, — Jacobus Van Curlet receiving two kicks in consideration of his 
official dignity. 



Ch 

[ 130 ] 



Chapter iv 



CONTAINING the fearful Wrath o/' William the Testy, 
and the Alarm of New Amsterdam ; How the Governor did strongly for- 
tify the City ; Of the Rise of Anthony the trumpeter, and the windy 
Addition to the Armorial Bearings of New Amsterdam. 

LANGUAGE cannot express the awful ire of William the Testy on 
hearing of the catastrophe at Fort Goed Hoop. For three good 
hours his rage was too great for words, or rather the words 
^ were too great for him (being a very small man), and he was 
nearly choked by the misshapen, nine-cornered Dutch oaths 
and epithets which crowded at once into his gullet. At length his words 
found vent, and for three days he kept up a constant discharge, anathe- 
matizing the Yankees, man, woman, and child, for a set of dieven, schob- 
bejacken, deugenieten, twistzoekeren, blaes-kaken, loosen-schalken, kak- 
ken-bedden, and a thousand other names of which, unfortunately for 
posterity, history does not make mention. Finally, he swore that he 
would have nothing more to do with such a squatting, bundling, guess- 
ing, questioning, swapping, pumpkin-eating, molasses-daubing, shingle- 
splitting, cider-watering, horse-jockeying, notion-peddling crew ; that 
they might stay at Fort Goed Hoop and rot, before he would dirty his 
hands by attempting to drive them away ; in proof of which he ordered 
the new-raised troops to be marched forthwith into winter quarters, 
although it was not as yet quite midsummer. Great despondency now 
fell upon the city of New Amsterdam. It was feared that the conquerors 
of Fort Goed Hoop, flushed with vidory and apple-brandy, might march 
on to the capital, take it by storm, and annex the whole province to 
ConneSlicut. The name of Tankee became as terrible among the Nieuw 
Nederlanders as was that of Gaul among the ancient Romans, insomuch 
that the good wives of the Manhattoes used it as a bugbear wherewith 
to frighten their unruly children. 

Everybody clamored around the governor, imploring him to put the 
city in a complete posture of defence, and he listened to their clamors. 
Nobody could accuse William the Testy of being idle in time of danger, 
or at any other time. He was never idle, but then he was often busy to 
very little purpose. When a youngling, he had been impressed with the 
words oi Solomon, "Go to the ant, thou sluggard, observe her ways and 

[ 131 ] 



A History of [Bk. 



IV 



be wise" ; in contormity to which he had ever been ot a restless, ant-like 
turn, hurrying hither and thither, nobody knew why or wherefore, busy- 
ing himself about small matters with an air of great importance and 
anxiety, and toiling at a grain of mustard-seed in the full conviftion 
that he was moving a mountain. In the present instance, he called in 
all his inventive powers to his aid, and was continually pondering over 
plans, making diagrams and worrying about with a troop of workmen 
and projeftors at his heels. At length, after a world of consultation and 
contrivance, his plans of defence ended in rearing a great flagstaff in 
the centre of the fort, and perching a windmill on each bastion. 
These warlike preparations in some measure allayed the public alarm, 
especially after an additional means of ensuring the safety of the city had 
been suggested by the governor's lady. It has already been hinted in this 
most authentic history, that in the domestic establishment ot William the 
Testy "the gray mare was the better horse" — in other words, that his 
wife " ruled the roast," and, in governing the governor, governed the 
province, which might thus be said to be under petticoat government. 
Now it came to pass that about this time there lived in the Manhattoes 
a jolly, fat trumpeter, named Anthony Van Corlear, famous for his long 
wind, and who, as the story goes, could twang so potently upon his in- 
strument that the effeft upon all within hearing was like that ascribed 
to the Scotch bagpipe when it sings right lustily i' the nose. 
This sounder of brass was moreover a lusty bachelor, with a pleasant, 
burly visage, a long nose, and huge whiskers. He had his little boicerie, 
or retreat, in the country, where he led a roistering life, giving dances 
to the wives and daughters of the burghers of the Manhattoes, insomuch 
that he became a prodigious favorite with all the women, young and old. 
He is said to have been the first to collect that famous toll levied on 
the fair sex at Kissing Bridge, on the highway to Hcllgate.^ 
To this sturdy bachelor the eyes of all the women were turned in this 
time of darkness and peril as the very man to second and carry out the 
plans of defence of the governor. A kind of petticoat council was forth- 
with held at the government house, at which the governor's lady pre- 
sided ; and this lady, as has been hinted, being all potent with the gov- 
ernor, the result of these councils was the elevation oi Anthony the Trumpeter 
to the post of commandant of windmills and champion of New Amster- 
dam. 
The city being thus fortified and garrisoned, it would have done one's 

• The bridge here mentioned by Mr. Knickerbocker still exists ; but it is said that the toll is seldom 
collefted nowadays, excepting on sleighing-parties, by the descendants of the patriarchs, who still 
preserve the traditions of the city. 

[ 132 ] 



Ch. iv] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

heart good to see the governor snapping his fingers and fidgeting with 
delight as the trumpeter strutted up and down the ramparts, twanging 
defiance to the whole Tankee race, as does a modern editor to all the 
principalities and powers on the other side of the Atlantic. In the hands 
oi Anthony Van Corlear this windy instrument appeared to him as potent 
as the horn of the paladin Asto/pho, or even the more classic horn of 
AleBo; nay, he had almost the temerity to compare it with the rams' 
horns celebrated in Holy Writ, at the very sound of which the walls of 
Jericho fell down. 

The old wives of the Manhattoes who took tea with the governor's lady 
attributed all this affefted moderation to the awe inspired by the military 
preparations of the governor and the windy prowess oi Anthony the Trum- 
peter. William Kieft himself, seeing the dangers of war at an end, now 
turned his ingenious mind to certain projects in legislation and finance, 
the prodigious sagacity of which will be manifested in the coming chap- 
ters. 

There were not wanting illiberal minds who sneered at his windmills 
and hinted that the governor thought to defend his city as he governed 
it, by mere wind ; but William Kicft was not to be jeered out of his wind- 
mills ; he had seen them perched upon the ramparts of his native city of 
Saardam, and was persuaded they were connected with the great science 
of defence ; nay, so much piqued was he by having them made a matter 
of ridicule, that he introduced them into the arms of the city, where they 
remain to this day, an emblem and memento of his policy. 
I must not omit to mention that certain wise old burghers of the Man- 
hattoes, skilful in expounding signs and mysteries, consider this earlv in- 
trusion of the windmill into the escutcheon of our city, which before had 
been wholly occupied by the beaver, as portentous of its after fortune, 
when the quiet Dutchman was to be elbowed aside by the enterprisino- 
Yankee, and patient industry overtopped by windy speculation. 
Be all this as it may, the apprehensions of hostilities from the east gradu- 
ally died away. The Yankees made no further invasion ; nay, they declared 
they had only taken possession of Fort Goed Hoop as being erefted within 
their territories. So far from manifesting hostility, they continued to throng 
to Nemo Amsterdam with the most innocent countenances imaginable, fill- 
ing the market with their notions, being as ready to trade with the Ned- 
erlanders as ever, and not a whit more prone to get to the windward of 
them in a bargain. 



C h a 

[ 133 ] 



Chapter v 



OF the yiirisprudence o/' William the Testy, and his ad- 
mirable Expedients for the Suppression of Poverty. 

^MONG the wrecks and fragments of exalted wisdom which 
/^k have floated down the stream of time from venerable an- 
/ ^ L tiquity and been picked up by those humble but indus- 
^ ^ trious wights who ply along the shores of literature, we 
find a shrewd ordinance of Charofidas, the Locrian legisla- 
tor. Anxious to preserve the judicial code of the state from the addi- 
tions and amendments of country members and seekers of popularity, 
he ordained that whoever proposed a new law should do it with a halter 
about his neck, whereby, in case his proposition were rejected, they 
just hung him up — and there the matter ended. 

The efFe6t was that for more than two hundred years there was but 
one trifling alteration in the judicial code, and legal matters were so 
clear and simple that the whole race of lawyers starved to death for 
want of employment. The Locrians, too, being freed from all incitement 
to litigation, lived very lovingly together, and were so happy a people 
that they make scarce any figure in history — it being only your litigious, 
quarrelsome, rantipole nations who make much noise in the world. 
I have been reminded of these historical fafts in coming to treat of the 
internal policy of William the Testy. Well would it have been for him 
had he in the course of his universal acquirements stumbled upon the 
precaution of the good Charotidas, or had he looked nearer home at 
the proteftorate of Olojfe the Dreamer, when the community was gov- 
erned without laws. Such legislation, however, was not suited to the 
busy, meddling mind oi William the Testy. On the contrary, he conceived 
that the true wisdom of legislation consisted in the multiplicity of laws. 
He accordingly had great punishments for great crimes, and little pun- 
ishments for little offences. By degrees the whole surface of society was 
cut up by ditches and fences and quickset hedges of the law, and even 
the sequestered paths of private life so beset by petty rules and ordi- 
nances, too numerous to be remembered, that one could scarce walk at 
large without the risk of letting off a spring-gun or falling into a man- 
trap. 
In a little while the blessings of innumerable laws became apparent ; a 

[ 134 ] 



Ch. v] N E W Y O R K 



c. 



class of men arose to expound and confound them. Petty courts were 
instituted to take cognizance of petty offences, pettifoggers began to 
abound, and the community was soon set together by the ears. 
Let me not be thought as intending anything derogatory to the profes- 
sion of the law or to the distinguished members of that illustrious order. 
Well am I aware that we have in this ancient city innumerable worthy 
gentlemen, the knights-errant of modern days, who go about redressing 
wrongs and defending the defenceless, not for the love of filthy lucre, no"r 
the selfish cravings of renown, but merely for the pleasure of doing good. 
Sooner would I throw this trusty pen into the frames and cork up my ink- 
bottle forever than infringe even for a nail's breadth upon the dignity of 
these truly benevolent champions of the distressed. On the contrary, I 
allude merely to those caitiff scouts who, in these latter days of evil, in- 
fest the skirts of the profession, as did the recreant Cornish knights of yore 
the honorable order of chivalry, — who, under its auspices, commit fla- 
grant wrongs, who thrive by quibbles, by quirks and chicanery, and, like 
vermin, increase the corruption in which they are engendered. 
Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent passions as the facility of grat- 
ification. The courts of law would never be so crowded with petty, vex- 
atious, and disgraceful suits, were it not for the herds of pettifoggers. 
These tamper with the passions of the poorer and more ignorant classes, 
who, as if poverty were not a sufScient misery in itself, are ever ready 
to imbitter it by litigation. These, like quacks in medicine, excite the 
malady to profit by the cure, and retard the cure to augment the fees. 
As the quack exhausts the constitution, the pettifogger exhausts the 
purse ; and as he who has once been under the hands of a quack is for- 
ever after prone to dabble in drugs and poison himself with infallible 
prescriptions, so the client of the pettifogger is ever after prone to em- 
broil himself with his neighbors and impoverish himself with success- 
ful lawsuits. My readers will excuse this disgression into which I have 
been unwarily betrayed ; but I could not avoid giving a cool and un- 
prejudiced account of an abomination too prevalent in this excellent city, 
and with the effeds of which I am ruefully acquainted, having been 
nearly ruined by a lawsuit which was decided against me, and my ruin 
having been completed by another which was decided in my favor. 
To return to our theme. There was nothing in the whole range of 
moral offences against which the jurisprudence of William the Testy was 
more strenuously direded than the crying sin of poverty. He pro- 
nounced it the root of all evil, and determined to cut it up, root and 
branch, and extirpate it from the land. He had been struck, in the 
course of his travels in the old countries of Europe, with the wisdom 

[ ^IS ] 



A History ^r. [Bk. 



IV 



of those notices posted up in country towns, that "any vagrant found 
begging there would be put in the stocks," and he had observed that 
no beggars were to be seen in these neighborhoods — having doubtless 
thrown off their rags and their poverty and become rich under the 
terror of the law. He determined to improve upon this hint. In a little 
while a new machine of his own invention was eredled hard by Dogs 
Misery. This was nothing more nor less than a gibbet, of a very strange, 
uncouth, and unmatchable construction, far more efficacious, as he 
boasted, than the stocks, for the punishment of poverty. It was for alti- 
tude not a whit inferior to that of Human so renowned in Bible history ; 
but the marvel of the contrivance was, that the culprit, instead of being 
suspended by the neck, according to venerable custom, was hoisted by 
the waistband and kept dangling and sprawling between heaven and earth 
for an hourortwoat a time, — to the infiniteentertainment and edification 
of the respeftable citizens who usually attend exhibitions of the kind. 
(It is incredible how the little governor chuckled at beholding caitiff 
vagrants and sturdy beggars thus swinging by the crupper and cutting 
antic gambols in the air. He had a thousand pleasantries and mirthful 
conceits to utter upon these occasions. He called them his dandlelions — 
his wild-fowl — his high-fliers — his spread-eagles — his goshawks — his 
scare-crows — and, finally, \\i% gallows-birds , which ingenious appellation, 
though originally confined to worthies who had taken the air in this 
strange manner, has since grown to be a cant name given to all candidates 
for legal elevation. This punishment, moreover, if we may credit the as- 
sertions of certain grave etymologists, gave the first hint for a kind of 
harnessing, or strapping, by which our forefathers braced up their mul- 
tifarious breeches, and which has of late years been revived and contin- 
ues to be worn at the present day.) 

Such was the punishment of all petty delinquents, vagrants and beggars 
and others detefted in being guilty of poverty in a small way ; as to 
those who had offended on a great scale, who had been guilty of fla- 
grant misfortunes and enormous backslidings of the purse, and who 
stood convi6fed of large debts which they were unable to pay, William 
Kieft had them straightway enclosed within the stone walls of a prison, 
there to remain until they should reform and grow rich. This notable 
expedient, however, does not appear to have been more efficacious 
under WilUatn the Testy than in more modern days — it being found that 
the longer a poor devil was kept in prison the poorer he grew. 



Ch 

[ 136 ] 



Chapter vi 



PROJECTS ^William the Ty.?,ty /or increasing the Cur- 
rency; He is outwitted by the Yankees ; The great Oyster War. 

N^'EXT to his projeds for the suppression of poverty may be 
classed those of Williarn the Testy for increasing the wealth 
of Neiu Amsterdam. So/o?non, of whose charafter for wisdom 
the little governor was somewhat emulous, had made gold 
and silver as plenty as the stones in the streets of Jerusa- 
lem. William Kieft could not pretend to vie with him as to the precious 
metals, but he determined, as an equivalent, to flood the streets of New 
Amsterdam with Indian money. This was nothing more nor less than 
strings of beads wrought of clams, periwinkles, and other shell-fish, and 
called seawant or wampum. These had formed a native currency among 
the simple savages, who were content to take them of the Dutchmen in 
exchange for peltries. In an unlucky moment, William the Testy., seeing 
this money of easy production, conceived the projeft of making it the 
current coin of the province. It is true it had an intrinsic value among 
the Indians., who used it to ornament their robes and moccasins, but 
among the honest burghers it had no more intrinsic value than those 
rags which form the paper currency of modern days. This considera- 
tion, however, had no weight with William Kieft. He began by paying 
all the servants of the company and all the debts of government in 
strings of wampum. He sent emissaries to sweep the shores of Long 
Island, which was the Ophir of this modern Solomon and abounded in 
shell-fish. These were transported in loads to New Amsterdam., coined 
into Indian money, and launched into circulation. 

And now, for a time, affairs went on swimmingly ; money became as 
plentiful as in the modern days of paper currency, and, to use the pop- 
ular phrase, " a wonderful impulse was given to public prosperity." 
Yankee traders poured into the province, buying everything they could 
lay their hands on, and paying the worthy Dutchmen their own price — 
in Indian money. If the latter, however, attempted to pay the Yankees 
in the same coin for their tin-ware and wooden bowls, the case was 
altered; nothing would do but Dutch guilders and such like "metallic 
currencv." What was worse, the Yankees introduced an inferior kind of 
wampum made of oyster-shells, with which they deluged the province, 

[ ^37 ] 



A History of [Bk. iv 

carrying off in exchange all the silver and gold, the Dutch herrings, and 
Dutch cheeses ; thus early did the knowing men of the east manifest 
their skill in bargaining the New Amsterdammers out of the oyster and 
leaving them the shell.* 

It was a long time before William the 'Testy was made sensible how com- 
pletely his grand projed of finance was turned against him by his east- 
ern neighbors ; nor would he probably have ever found it out, had not 
tidings been brought him that the Yankees had made a descent upon 
Long Island and had established a kind of mint at Oyster Bay, where 
they were coining up all the oyster-banks. 

Now, this was making a vital attack upon the province in a double 
sense, financial and gastronomical. Ever since the council-dinner of 
Oloffe the Dreamer at the founding of New Atnsterdam, at which ban- 
quet the oyster figured so conspicuously, this divine shell-fish has been 
held in a kind of superstitious reverence at the Manhattoes — as witness 
the temples ere6led to its cult in every street and lane and alley. In 
faft, it is the standard luxury of the place, as is the terrapin at Philadel- 
phia^ the soft crab at Baltimore^ or the canvas-back at Waslmgton. 
The seizure of Oyster Bay, therefore, was an outrage not merely on the 
pockets, but the larders of the New Amsterdammers ; the whole commu- 
nity was aroused, and an oyster crusade was immediately set on foot 
against the Yankees. Every stout trencherman hastened to the standard ; 
nay, some of the most corpulent burgomasters and schepens joined the 
expedition as a corps de reserve^ only to be called into aftion when the 
sacking commenced. 

The conduit of the expedition was intrusted to a valiant Dutchman who 
for size and weight might have matched with Colbrand, the Danish 
champion slain by Guy of Warwick. He was famous throughout the 
province for strength of arm and skill at quarter-staff, and hence was 
named Stoffel Br inker hoff, or rather Brinkerhoofd, — that is to say, Stoffel 
the head-breaker. 

This sturdy commander, who was a man of few words but vigorous 
deeds, led his troops resolutely on through Nineveh, and Babylon, and 

* From a manuscript record of the province, dated 1659 — Library of the Netv York Historical Society. 
^'■Seawiint alias wampum. Beads manufaftured from the Quahnug, or wilk, a. shell-fish formerly 
abounding on our coasts, but lately of more rare occurrence ; of two colors, black and white — the 
former twice the value of the latter. Six beads of the white and three of the black for an English 
penny. The seawant depreciates from time to time. The Netv England people make use of it as a 
means of barter, not only to carry away the best cargoes which we send thither, but to accumulate 
a large quantity of beavers and other furs ; by which the company is defrauded of her revenues and 
the merchants disappointed in making returns with that speed with which they might wish to meet 
their engagements ; while their commissioners and the inhabitants remain overstocked with seawant 
— a sort of currency of no value except with the New Nelier/anil savages, &c." 

[ 138 ] 



Ch.vi] N e w Y o r k ^c. 

Jeric/io, and Patch-hog^ and other hong Island towns, without encoun- 
tering any difficulty of note ; though it is said that some of the burgo- 
masters gave out at Hardscramble Hill and Hungry Hollow, and that 
others lost heart and turned back, at Pusspankk. With the rest he made 
good his march until he arrived in the neighborhood of Oyster Bay. 
Here he was encountered by a host of Yankee warriors, headed by Pre- 
served Fish^ and Habakkuk Nutter, and Return Strong, and Zerubbabel Fisk, 
and Determined Cock ! at the sound of whose names Stoffel Brinkerhoff 
verily believed the whole parliament of Praise-God Barebones had been 
let loose upon him. He soon found, however, that they were merely 
the "seleftmen" of the settlement, armed with no weapon but the 
tongue, and disposed only to meet him on the held of argument. Stoffel 
had but one mode of arguing ; that was with the cudgel ; but he used 
it with such effeft that he routed his antagonists, broke up the settle- 
ment, and would have driven the inhabitants into the sea if they had 
not managed to escape across the Sound to the mainland by the Devil's 
stepping-stones, which remain to this day monuments of this great 
Dutch victory over the Yankees. 

Stoffel Brinkerhoff m2.di& great spoil of oysters and clams, coined and un- 
coined, and then set out on his return to the Manhattoes. A grand tri- 
umph, after the manner of the ancients, was prepared for him by Wil- 
liam the Testy. He entered New Amsterdam as a conqueror, mounted on 
a Narraganset pacer. Five dried codfish on poles, standards taken from 
the enemy, were borne before him, and an immense store of oysters and 
clams, Weather sjie Id onions, and Yankee "notions" formed the spolia 
opima ; while several coiners of oyster-shells were led captive to grace 
the hero's triumph. 

The procession was accompanied by a full band of boys and negroes 
performing on the popular instruments of rattle-bones and clam-shells, 
while Anthony Van Corlear sounded his trumpet from the ramparts. 
A great banquet was served up in the stadt-house from the clams and 
oysters taken from the enemy, while the governor sent the shells pri- 
vately to the mint and had them coined into Indian money, with which 
he paid his troops. 

It is, moreover, said that the governor, calling to mind the praftice 
among the ancients to honor their victorious general with public statues, 
passed a magnanimous decree by which every tavern-keeper was per- 
mitted to paint the head of Stoffel Brinkerhoff upon his sign ! 



C ha 

[ 139 ] 



Chapter vii 



GROWING Discontents (9/'New Amsterdam under the Gov- 
ernment of William the Testy. 

IT has been remarked by the observant writer of the Stuyvesant 
manuscript, that under the administration of William Kief't the 
disposition of the inhabitants of New Amsterdam experienced an 
essential change, so that they became very meddlesome and fac- 
tious. The unfortunate propensity of the little governor to exper- 
iment and innovation, and the frequent exacerbations of his temper, 
kept his council in a continual worry ; and the council being to the 
people at large what yeast or leaven is to a batch, they threw the whole 
community in a ferment ; and the people at large being to the city what 
the mind is to the body, the unhappy commotions they underwent oper- 
ated most disastrously upon New Amsterdam, — insomuch that in certain 
of their paroxysms of consternation and perplexity they begat several 
of the most crooked, distorted, and abominable streets, lanes, and alleys 
with which this metropolis is disfigured. 

The fadt was, that about this time the community, like Balaam's ass, 
began to grow more enlightened than its rider, and to show a disposi- 
tion for what is called " self-government." This restive propensity was 
first evinced in certain popular meetings, in which the burghers of 
New Amsterdam met to talk and smoke over the complicated affairs of 
the province, gradually obfuscating themselves with politics and tobacco- 
smoke. Hither resorted those idlers and squires of low degree who hang 
loose on society and are blown about by every wind of doftrine. Cob- 
blers abandoned their stalls to give lessons on political economy ; black- 
smiths suffered their fires to go out while they stirred up the fires of 
fa6i:ion ; and even tailors, though said to be the ninth parts of humanity, 
neglected their own measures to criticise the measures of government. 
Strange ! that the science of government, which seems to be so gener- 
ally understood, should invariably be denied to the only one called upon 
to exercise it. Not one of the politicians in question, but, take his word 
for it, could have administered affairs ten times better than William the 
Testy. 

Under the instructions of these political oracles the good people of New 
Amsterdam soon became exceedingly enlightened, and, as a matter of 

[ 140 ] 







&^ 














'Buukimiths . . . tujjired tbetr ozvn jirei to go out, zubue they Dlew the bellows and mrred up the fires of faction." 



c. 



ch. vii] New York 

course, exceedingly discontented. They gradually found out the fearful 
error in which they had indulged, of thinking themselves the happiest 
people in creation, and were convinced that, all circumstances to the 
contrary notwithstanding, they were a very unhappy, deluded, and con- 
sequently ruined people ! 

We are naturally prone to discontent, and avaricious after imaginary 
causes of lamentation. Like lubberly monks, we belabor our own shoul- 
ders and take a vast satisfaction in the music of our own groans. Nor 
is this said by way of paradox ; daily experience shows the truth of 
these observations. It is almost impossible to elevate the spirits of a man 
groaning under ideal calamities, but nothing is easier than to render 
him wretched, though on the pinnacle of felicity, — as it would be an 
Herculean task to hoist a man to the top of a steeple, though the merest 
child could topple him off thence. 

I must not omit to mention that these popular meetings were gener- 
ally held at some noted tavern — these public edifices possessing what in 
modern times are thought the true fountains of political inspiration. The 
ancient Germans deliberated upon a matter when drunk, and reconsidered 
it when sober. Mob-politicians in modern times dislike to have two 
minds upon a subjed, so they both deliberate and aft while drunk, — by 
this means a world of delay is spared ; and as it is universally allowed 
that a man when drunk sees double, it follows conclusively that he sees 
twice as well as his sober neighbors. 



Cha 

[ HI ] 



Chapter viii 



OF the RdiSl 0/ William the Testy against Tobacco -^ Of 
the Pipe-Plot^ and the Rise of Feuds and Parties. 

WILHELMUS KIEFT, as has already been observed, 
was a great legislator on a small scale, and had a micro- 
scopic eye in public affairs. He had been greatly annoyed 
by the faftious meeting of the good people of Nenv 
Amsterdam, but, observing that on these occasions the 
pipe was ever in their mouth, he began to think that the pipe was at 
the bottom of the affair, and that there was some mysterious affinity be- 
tween politics and tobacco-smoke. Determined to strike at the root of 
the evil, he began forthwith to rail at tobacco as a noxious, nauseous 
weed, filthy in all its uses ; and as to smoking, he denounced it as a 
heavy tax upon the public pocket — a vast consumer of time, a great en- 
courager of idleness, and a deadly bane to the prosperity and morals of 
the people. Finally he issued an edift prohibiting the smoking of to- 
bacco throughout the New Netherlands. Ill-fated Kief 1 1 Had he lived in 
the present age and attempted to check the unbounded license of the 
press, he could not have struck more sorely upon the sensibilities of 
the million. The pipe, in fadl, was the great organ of reflection and de- 
liberation of the New Nederlander. It was his constant companion and sol- 
ace : was he gay, he smoked ; was he sad, he smoked ; his pipe was never 
out of his mouth ; it was a part of his physiognomy ; without it his best 
friends would not know him. Take away his pipe ? You might as well 
take away his nose ! 

The immediate effedf of the edift of William the 'Testy was a popular 
commotion. A vast multitude, armed with pipes and tobacco-boxes and 
an immense supply of ammunition, sat themselves down before the gov- 
ernor's house and fell to smoking with tremendous violence. The testy 
William issued forth like a wrathful spider, demanding the reason ot 
this lawless fumigation. The sturdy rioters replied by lolling back in 
their seats and puffing away with redoubled fury, raising such a murky 
cloud that the governor was fain to take refuge in the interior of his 
castle. 

A long negotiation ensued through the medium of Anthony the Trumpeter. 
The governor was at first wrathful and unyielding, but was gradually 

[ 142 ] 



ch.viii] New York ^c. 



smoked into terms. He concluded by permitting the smoking of tobacco, 
but he abolished the fair long pipes used in the days of Wouter Van Twi/ler^ 
denoting ease, tranquillity, and sobriety of deportment ; these he con- 
demned as incompatible with the despatch of business, in place whereof 
he substituted Httle captious short pipes, two inches in length, which, 
he observed, could be stuck in one corner of the mouth or twisted in 
the hat-band, and would never be in the way. Thus ended this alarming 
insurredion, which was long known by the name of The Pipe-P/ot, and 
which, it has been somewhat quaintly observed, did end, like most 
plots and seditions, in mere smoke. 

But mark, O reader ! the deplorable evils which did afterwards result. 
The smoke of these villanous little pipes, continually ascending in a 
cloud about the nose, penetrated into and befogged the cerebellum, 
dried up all the kindly moisture of the brain, and rendered the people 
who used them as vaporish and testy as the governor himself Nay, what 
is worse, from being goodly, burly, sleek-conditioned men, they became, 
hke our Dutch yeomanry who smoke short pipes, a lantern-jawed, smoke- 
dried, leathern-hided race. 

Nor was this all. From this fatal schism in tobacco-pipes we may date 
the rise of parties in the Nieuw Nederlands. The rich and self-important 
burghers who had made their fortunes, and could afford to be lazy, ad- 
hered to the ancient fashion, and formed a kind of aristocracy known 
as the Long Pipes ; while the lower order, adopting the reform of /F/7- 
/lam Kieft as more convenient in their handicraft employments, were 
branded with the plebeian name oi Short Pipes. 

A third party sprang up, headed by the descendants o^ Robert Chewit, the 
companion of the great Hudson. These discarded pipes altogether and took 
to chewing tobacco ; hence they were called Quids — an appellation since 
given to those political mongrels which sometimes spring up between two 
great parties, as a mule is produced between a horse and an ass. 
And here I would note the great benefit of party distinctions in saving 
the people at large the trouble of thinking. Hesiod dWxdts mankind into 
three classes : those who think for themselves, those who think as others 
think, and those who do not think at all. The second class comprises 
the great mass of society, for most people require a set creed and a file- 
leader. Hence the origin of party — which means a large body of people, 
some few of whom think and all the rest talk. The former take the 
lead and discipline the latter, prescribing what they must say, what 
they must approve, what they must hoot at, whom they must support, 
but, above all, whom they must hate — for no one can be a right good 
partisan who is not a thorough-going hater. 

[ H3 ] 



A History ^c. [Bk. iv 



The enlightened inhabitants of the Manhattoes, therefore, being divided 
into parties, were enabled to hate each other with great accuracy. And 
now the great business of politics went bravely on, the long pipes and 
short pipes assembling in separate beer-houses and smoking at each 
other with implacable vehemence, to the great support of the state and 
profit of the tavern-keepers. Some, indeed, went so far as to bespatter 
their adversaries with those odoriferous little words which smell so strong 
in the Dutch language, believing, like true politicians, that they served 
their party and glorified themselves in proportion as they bewrayed their 
neighbors. But, however they might differ among themselves, all parties 
agreed in abusing the governor, seeing that he was not a governor of 
their choice, but appointed by others to rule over them. 
Unhappy William Kieft ! exclaims the sage writer of the Stuyvesant man- 
uscript, doomed to contend with enemies too knowing to be entrapped, 
and to reign over a people too wise to be governed. All his foreign ex- 
peditions were baffled and set at naught by the all-pervading Yankees ; all 
his home measures were canvassed and condemned by "numerous and 
respeftable meetings" of pot-house politicians. 

In the multitude of counsellors, we are told, there is safety ; but the mul- 
titude of counsellors was a continual source of perplexity to Williavi 
Kieft. With a temperament as hot as an old radish, and a mind subject 
to perpetual whirlwinds and tornadoes, he never failed to get into a 
passion with every one who undertook to advise him. I have observed, 
however, that your passionate little men, like small boats with large 
sails, are easily upset or blown out of their course ; so was it with IVilliam 
the T'esty^ who was prone to be carried away by the last piece of advice 
blown into his ear. The consequence was, that, though a projedor of 
the first class, yet by continually changing his projefts he gave none a 
fair trial ; and, by endeavoring to do everything, he in sober truth did 



nothing 



In the mean time, the sovereign people, having got into the saddles, 
showed themselves, as usual, unmerciful riders, spurring on the little 
governor with harangues and petitions and thwarting him with memo- 
rials and reproaches, in much the same way as holy-day apprentices manage 
an unlucky devil of a hack-horse, — so that Wilhelmus Kieft was kept at a 
worry or a gallop throughout the whole of his administration. 



C h a 

[ 144 ] 



Ch 



a D t e r i x 



OF the Folly of Being Happy in Time of Prosperity ; Of 

'Troubles to the South brought on by Annexation ; Of the secret Expedition 
of Jan Jansen Alpendam, and his Magnificent Reward. 

IF we could but get a peep at the tally of Dame Fortune, where, 
like a vigilant landlady, she chalks up the debtor and creditor 
accounts of thoughtless mortals, we should find that every good 
is checked off by an evil, and that, however we may apparently 
revel scot-free for a season, the time will come when we must 
ruefully pay off the reckoning. Fortune, in fa6l, is a pestilent shrew, and 
withal an inexorable creditor ; and though for a time she may be all 
smiles and courtesies and indulge us in long credits, yet sooner or later 
she brings up her arrears with a vengeance, and washes out her scores 
with our tears. "Since," says good old Boetius, "no man can retain her 
at his pleasure, what are her favors but sure prognostications of ap- 
proaching trouble and calamity.?" 

This is the fundamental maxim of that sage school of philosophers, the 
croakers, who esteem it true wisdom to doubt and despond when other 
men rejoice, well knowing that happiness is at best but transient, — 
that the higher one is elevated on the see-saw balance of fortune, the 
lower must be his subsequent depression ; that he who is on the upper- 
most round of a ladder has most to suffer from a fall, while he who is 
at the bottom runs very little risk of breaking his neck by tumbling to 
the top. 

Philosophical readers of this stamp have doubtless indulged in dismal fore- 
bodings all through the tranquil reign of Walter the Doubter, and con- 
sidered it what Dutch seamen call a weather-breeder. They will not be 
surprised, therefore, that the foul weather which gathered during his 
days should now be rattling from all quarters on the head of William 
the Testy. 

The origin of some of these troubles may be traced quite back to the 
discoveries and annexations of Hans Reinier Oothout, the explorer, and 
Wynant Ten Breeches, the land-measurer, made in the twilight days of 
Oloffe the Dreamer, by which the territories of the Nieuw Nederlands 
were carried far to the south, to Delaware River and parts beyond. The 
consequence was many disputes and brawls with the Indians, which 

[ HS ] 



A History of [Bk. 



IV 



now and then reached the drowsy ears of Walter the Doubter and his 
council, Hke the muttering of distant thunder from behind the moun- 
tains, without, however, disturbing their repose. It was not until the time 
of William the Testy that the thunderbolt reached the Manhattoes. While 
the little governor was diligently protecting his eastern boundaries from 
the Yankees, word was brought him of the irruption of a vagrant colony 
of Swedes in the south, who had landed on the banks of the Delaware 
and displayed the banner of that redoubtable virago Queen Christina, 
and taken possession of the country in her name. These had been guided 
in their expedition by one Peter Minuits, or Minnewits, a renegade Dutch- 
man formerly in the service of their High Mightinesses, but who now 
declared himself governor of all the surrounding country, to which was 
given the name of the province of New Sweden. 

It is an old saying that "a little pot is soon hot," which was the case 
with William the Testy. Being a little man, he was soon in a passion, and 
once in a passion he soon boiled over. Summoning his council on the 
receipt of this news, he belabored the Swedes in the longest speech that 
had been heard in the colony since the wordy warfare of Ten Breeches 
and Tough Breeches. Having thus taken off the fire-edge of his valor, he 
resorted to his favorite measure of proclamation, and despatched a docu- 
ment of the kind, ordering the renegade Minnewits and his gang oi Swed- 
ish vagabonds to leave the country immediately, under pain of the ven- 
geance of their High Mightinesses, the Lords States General, and of the 
potentates of the Manhattoes. 

This strong measure was not a whit more effeftual than its predecessors 
which had been thundered against the Yankees; and William Kieft vjz?, 
preparing to follow it up with something still more formidable when he 
received intelligence of a new kind of enemy on his southern frontier, 
who had taken possession of the banks of the Schuylkill and built a fort 
there. They were represented as a gigantic, gunpowder race of men, ex- 
ceedingly expert at boxing, biting, gouging, and other branches of the 
rough-and-tumble mode of warfare, which they had learned from their 
prototypes and cousins-german, the Virginians, to whom they have ever 
borne considerable resemblance. Like them, too, they were great roisters, 
much given to revel on hoe-cake and bacon, mint-julep and apple-toddy 
— whence their newly formed colony had already acquired the name of 
Merryland, which, with a slight modification, it retains to the present 
day. 

In faft, the Merrylanders and their cousins, the Virginians, were repre- 
sented to William Kieft as offsets from the same original stock as his 
bitter enemies the Yanokie or Yankee tribes of the east, having both 

[ 146 ] 



Ch.ix] N e w Y o r k ^c. 



come over to this country for the liberty of conscience, or, in other 
words, to live as they pleased — the l^a/iiees taking to praying and money- 
making and converting Quakers, and the Southerners to horse-racing 
and cock-fighting and breeding negroes. 

Against these new invaders Wilhelmus Kieft immediately despatched a 
naval armament of two sloops and thirty men, under 'Jan Jansen Alperi- 
dam, who was armed to the very teeth with one of the little governor's 
most powerful speeches, written in vigorous Low Dutch. 
Admiral Alpendam arrived without accident in the Schuylkill, and came 
upon the enemy just as they were engaged in a great " barbecue," a kind 
of festivity or carouse much pradised in Merry land. Opening upon them 
with the speech of William the Testy, he denounced them as a pack of 
lazy, canting, julep-tippling, cock-fighting, horse-racing, slave-trading, 
tavern-hunting. Sabbath-breaking, mulatto-breeding upstarts, and con- 
cluded by ordering them to evacuate the country immediately ; to which 
they laconically replied, in plain English, "they 'd see him d— d first !" 
Now, this was a reply on which neither Jan Jansen Alpendam nor Wil- 
helmus Kieft had made any calculation. Finding himself, therefore, to- 
tally unprepared to answer so terrible a rebuff with suitable hostility, 
the admiral concluded his wisest course would be to return home and 
report progress. He accordingly steered his course back to New Amster- 
dam, where he arrived safe, having accomplished this hazardous enter- 
prise at small expense of treasure and no loss of life. His saving policy 
gained him the universal appellation of the Saviour of his Country, and 
his services were suitably rewarded by a shingle monument, erefte'd by 
subscription on the top of Flattenbarrack Hill, where it immortalized 
his name for three whole years, when it fell to pieces and was burnt 
for firewood. 



Ch 

[ 147 ] 



Ch 



a D t e r x 



TROUBLOUS Times on the Hudson ; How Killian Van 
Rensellaer ere5led a Feudal Castle, and how he introduced Club-Law into 
the Province. 

^BOUT this time the testy little governor of the New Netherlands 

/^k appears to have had his hands full, and with one annoyance 

/ ^ L and the other to have been kept continually on the bounce. 

^ ^^^ He was on the very point of following up the expedition 

of yan Jansen Alpendam by some belligerent measures 

against the marauders of Merryland, when his attention was suddenly 

called away by belligerent troubles springing up in another quarter, 

the seeds of which had been sown in the tranquil days of Walter the 

Doubter. 

The reader will recolleift the deep doubt into which that most pacific 
governor was thrown on Killian Van Rensellaers taking possession of 
Bear's Island by wapen recht. While the governor doubted and did nothing, 
the lordly Killian went on to complete his sturdy little castellum of 
Rensellaerstein, and to garrison it with a number of his tenants from the 
Helderberg, a mountain region famous for the hardest heads and hardest 
fists in the province. Nicholas Koorn, a faithful squire of the patroon, 
accustomed to strut at his heels, wear his cast-off clothes, and imitate 
his lofty bearing, was established in this post as wacht-meester. His 
duty it was to keep an eye on the river and oblige every vessel that 
passed, unless on the service of their High Mightinesses, to strike its 
flag, lower its peak, and pay toll to the lord of Rensellaerstein. 
This assumption of sovereign authority within the territories of the 
Lords States General, however it might have been tolerated by Walter 
the Doubter, had been sharply contested by William the 'Testy on coming 
into office ; and many written remonstrances had been addressed by him 
to Killian Van Rensellaer, to which the latter never deigned a reply. Thus, 
by degrees, a sore place, or, in Hibernian parlance, a raw, had been es- 
tablished in the irritable soul of the little governor, insomuch that he 
winced at the very name of Rensellaerstein. 

Now, it came to pass that on a fine sunny day the Company's yacht, 
the Half-Moon, having been on one of its stated visits to Fort Aurania, 
was quietly tiding it down the Hudson. The commander, Govert Locker- 

[ h8 ] 



Ch.x] N e w Y o r k ^c. 

Md/i, a veteran Dutch skipper of few words but great bottom, was seated 
on the high poop, quietly smoking his pipe under the shadow of the 
proud flag of Orange, when, on arriving abreast of Bears Island, he was 
saluted by a stentorian voice from the shore, " Lower thy flag, and be 
d— d to thee ! " 

Govert hockerman, without taking his pipe out of his mouth, turned up 
his eye from under his broad-brimmed hat to see who hailed him thus 
discourteously. There, on the ramparts of the fort, stood Nicholas Koorn, 
armed to the teeth, flourishing a brass-hilted sword, while a steeple- 
crowned hat and cock's tail-feather, formerly worn by Killian Van Ren- 
sellaer himself, gave an inexpressible loftiness to his demeanor. 
Govert Lockerman eyed the warrior from top to toe, but was not to be 
dismayed. Taking the pipe slowly out of his mouth, "To whom should 
I lower my flag 1 " demanded he. "To the high and mighty Killian Van 
Rensellaer, the lord ot Rensellaerstein ! " 

" I lower it to none but the Prince of Orange and my masters, the Lords 
States General.'" So saying, he resumed his pipe and smoked with an air 
of dogged determination. 

Bang ! went a gun from the fortress ; the ball cut both sail and rigging. 
Govert Lockerman said nothing, but smoked the more doggedly. 
Bang ! went another gun, the shot whistling close astern. 
"Fire, and be d — d," cried Govert Lockerman, cramming a new charge 
of tobacco into his pipe and smoking with still increasing vehemence. 
Bang ! went a third gun. The shot passed over his head, tearing a hole 
in the " princely flag of Orange" 

This was the hardest trial of all for the pride and patience of Govert 
Lockerman. He maintained a stubborn though swelling silence, but his 
smothered rage might be perceived by the short vehement putFs of smoke 
emitted from his pipe, by which he might be tracked for miles, as he 
slowly floated out of shot and out of sight of Bear s Island. In fa6t, he 
never gave vent to his passion until he got fairly among the highlands 
of the Hudson, when he let fly whole volleys of Dutch oaths, which are 
said to linger to this very day among the echoes of the Dunderberg, 
and to give particular effeft to the thunder-storms in that neighbor- 
hood. 

It was the sudden apparition of Govert Lockerman at Dog s Misery, bear- 
ing in his hand the tattered flag of Orange, that arrested the attention 
of William the Testy, just as he was devising a new expedition against 
the marauders of Merryland. I will not pretend to describe the passion 
of the little man when he heard of the outrage oi Rensellaerstein. Suf- 
fice it to say, in the first transports of his fury he turned Dog's Misery 

[ H9 ] 



A History '^c. [Bk 



IV 



topsy-turvy, kicked every cur out-of-doors, and threw the cats out of 
the window ; after which, his spleen being in some measure reheved, he 
went into a council of war with Govert Lockermariy the skipper, assisted 
by Anthony Van Corlear, the Trumpeter. 



Ch a 

[ 150] 



C h 



a o t e r x i 



OF the Diplomatic Mission o/" Anthony the Trumpeter to 
the Fortress of Rensellaerstein, and how he was puzzled by a Caba- 
listic Reply. 

THE eyes of all New Amsterdam were now turned to see what 
would be the end of this direful feud between William the 
Testy and the patroon oi Rensellaerwick; and some, observ- 
ing the consultations of the governor with the skipper and 
the trumpeter, predifted warlike measures by sea and land. 
The wrath of William Kieft, however, though quick to rise, was quick 
to evaporate. He was a perfed: brush-heap in a blaze, snapping and 
crackling for a time and then ending in smoke. Like many other val- 
iant potentates, his first thoughts were all for war, his sober second 
thoughts for diplomacy. 

Accordingly, Govert Lockerman was once more despatched up the river 
in the Company's yacht, the Goed Hoop, bearing Anthony the Trumpeter as 
ambassador, to treat with the belligerent powers of Rensellaerstein. In 
the fulness of time the yacht arrived before Bears Island, and Anthony 
the Trumpeter, mounting the poop, sounded a parley to the fortress. In 
a little while the steeple-crowned hat of Nicholas Koorn, the wacht- 
meester, rose above the battlements, followed by his iron visage, and 
ultimately his whole person, armed, as before, to the very teeth ; while, 
one by one, a whole row of Helderbcrgers reared their round burly heads 
above the wall, and beside each pumpkin-head peered the end of a rusty 
musket. Nothing daunted by this formidable array, Anthony Van Corlear 
drew forth and read with audible voice a missive from William the Testy, 
protesting against the usurpation of Bears Island, and ordering the gar- 
rison to quit the premises, bag and baggage, on pain of the vengeance 
of the potentate of the Manhattoes. 

In reply, the wacht-meester applied the thumb of his right hand to the 
end of his nose and the thumb of his left hand to the little finger of 
the right, and, spreading each hand like a fan, made an aerial flourish 
with his fingers. Anthojiy Van Corlear was sorely perplexed to understand 
this sign, which seemed to him something mysterious and masonic. Not 
liking to betray his ignorance, he again read with a loud voice the mis- 
sive of William the Testy, and again Nicholas Koorn applied the thumb 

[ 151 ] 



A History of [Bk. iv 



of his right hand to the end of his nose and the thumb of his left hand 
to the httle finger of the right, and repeated this kind of nasal weather- 
cock. Anthony Van Cor/ear now persuaded himself that this was some 
shorthand sign or symbol, current in diplomacy, which, though un- 
intelligible to a new diplomat like himself, would speak volumes to the 
experienced intellect of ^r////>zw the Testy; considering his embassy there- 
fore at an end, he sounded his trumpet with great complacency, and set 
sail on his return down the river, every now and then practising this 
mysterious sign of the wacht-meester, to keep it accurately in mind. 
Arrived at Neiv Amsterdam, he made a faithful report of his embassy to 
the governor, accompanied by a manual exhibition of the response of 
Nicholas Koorn.The governor was equally perplexed with his ambassador. 
He was deeply versed in the mysteries of freemasonry, but they threw 
no light on the matter. He knew every variety of windmill and weather- 
cock, but was not a whit the wiser as to the aerial sign in question. He 
had even dabbled in Egyptian hieroglyphics and the mystic symbols of 
the obelisks, but none furnished a key to the reply of Nicholas Koorn. 
He called a meeting of his council. Anthony Van Corlear stood forth in 
the midst, and, putting the thumb of his right hand to his nose and the 
thumb of his left hand to the finger of the right, he gave a faithful fac- 
simile of the portentous sign. Having a nose of unusual dimensions, it 
was as if the reply had been put in capitals, but all in vain ; the worthy 
burgomasters were equally perplexed with the governor. Each one put 
his thumb to the end of his nose, spread his fingers like a fan, imitated 
the motion of Anthony Van Corlear, and then smoked in dubious silence. 
Several times was Anthony obliged to stand forth like a fugleman and 
repeat the sign, and each time a circle of nasal weathercocks might be 
seen in the council-chamber. 

Perplexed in the extreme, IVilUam the Testy sent for all the soothsayers 
and fortune-tellers and wise men of the Manhattoes, but none could in- 
terpret the mysterious reply of Nicholas Koorn. The council broke up in 
sore perplexity. The matter got abroad, and Anthony Van Corlear was 
stopped at every corner to repeat the signal to a knot of anxious news- 
mongers, each of whom departed with his thumb to his nose and his 
fingers in the air, to carry the story home to his family. For several days 
all business was negleded in New Amsterdam; nothing was talked of 
but the diplomatic mission of Anthony the Trumpeter ; nothing was to 
be seen but knots of politicians with their thumbs to their noses. In the 
mean time the fierce feud between William the Testy and Killian Van 
Rensellaer, which at first had menaced deadly warfare, gradually cooled 
off, like many other war-questions, in the prolonged delays ot diplomacy. 

[ 152 ] 



Ch. xi] N E W Y O R K 



C. 



Still to this early affair of Re nsellaer stein may be traced the remote ori- 
gin of those windy wars in modern days which rage in the bowels of 
the Helderberg and have well-nigh shaken the great patroonship of the 
Van Rensellaers to its foundation ; for we are told that the bully boys 
of the Helderberg, who served under Nicholas Koorn the wacht-meester, 
carried back to their mountains the hieroglyphic sign which had so 
sorely puzzled Anthony Van Corlear and the sages of the Manhattoes, 
so that to the present day the thumb to the nose and the fingers in the 
air is apt to be the reply of the Helderbergers whenever called upon for 
any long arrears of rent. 



Ch 

[ 153 ] 



Chapter xii 



CONTAINING the Rise of the great AmphiByonic Council 
of the Pilgrims, with the Decline and Jinal ExtinSlion of William the 
Testy. 

IT was asserted by the wise men of ancient times, who had a nearer 
opportunity of ascertaining the faft, that at the gate of Jupiter s 
palace lay two huge tuns — one filled with blessings, the other with 
misfortunes ; and it would verily seem as if the latter had been 
completely overturned and left to deluge the unlucky province 
of Nieuw Nederlands, for about this time, while harassed and annoyed 
from the south and the north, incessant forays were made by the bor- 
der-chivalry of ConneBicut upon the pigsties and hen-roosts of the Ned- 
erlanders. Every day or two some broad-bottomed express-rider, covered 
with mud and mire, would come floundering into the gate of New Am- 
sterdam, freighted with some new tale of aggression from the frontier ; 
whereupon Anthony Van Corlear, seizing his trumpet, the only substi- 
tute for a newspaper in those primitive days, would sound the tidings 
from the ramparts with such doleful notes and disastrous cadence as to 
throw half the old women in the city into hysterics — all which tended 
greatly to increase his popularity, there being nothing for which the 
public are more grateful than being frequently treated to a panic, a 
secret well known to the modern editors. 

But, O ye powers ! into what a paroxysm of passion did each new outrage 
of the Yankees throw the choleric little governor ! Letter after letter, pro- 
test after protest, bad Latin, worse English, and hideous Low Dutch were 
incessantly fulminated upon them, and the four-and-twenty letters of the 
alphabet, which formed his standing army, were worn out by constant 
campaigning. All, however, was ineffeftual ; even the recent viftory at 
Oyster Bay, which had shed such a gleam of sunshine between the clouds 
of his foul-weather reign, was soon followed by a more fearful gathering 
up of those clouds and indications of more portentous tempest ; for the 
Yankee tribe on the banks of the ConneSlicut, finding on this memorable 
occasion their incompetency to cope, in fair fight, with the sturdy chiv- 
alry of the Manhattoes, had called to their aid all the ten tribes of their bre- 
thren who inhabit the east country, which from them has derived the 
name of Yankee-land. This call was promptly responded to. The conse- 

[ 154] 



e 



ch.xii] New York ^c. 

quence was a great confederacy ot the tribes oi Massachusetts, Conne5licut, 
Nt"w Flymouth, and New Haven, under the title of the " United Colonies of 
New Eng/and," the pretended obje6l of which was mutual defence against 
the savages, but the real object the subjugation of the Nieuw Nederlands. 
For, to let the reader into one of the great secrets of history, the Nieuw 
Nederlands had long been regarded by the whole Yankee race as the mod- 
ern land of promise, and themselves as the chosen and peculiar people 
destined, one day or other, by hook, or by crook, to get possession of it. 
In truth, they are a wonderful and all-prevalent people, of that class who 
only require an inch to gain an ell or a halter to gain a horse. From the 
time they first gained a foothold on Plymouth Rock, they began to mi- 
grate, progressing and progressing from place to place and land to land, 
making a little here and a little there, and controverting the old proverb 
that a rolling stone gathers no moss. Hence they have facetiously received 
the nickname of The Pilgrims — that is to say, a people who are always 
seeking a better country than their own. 

The tidings of this great Yankee league struck William Kieftvjixh dismay, 
and for once in his lite he forgot to bounce on receiving a disagreeable 
piece of intelligence. In faft, on turning over in his mind all that he had 
read at the Hague about leagues and combinations, he found that this was 
a counterpart of the A/nphiclyonic league by which the states of Greece 
attained such power and supremacy, and the very idea made his heart 
quake for the safety of his empire at the Manhattoes. 
The affairs of the confederacy were managed by an annual council of 
delegates held at Boston, which Kieft denominated the Delphos of this 
truly classic league. The very first meeting gave evidence of hostility to 
the Nieuw Nederlanders, who were charged, in their dealings with the 
Indians, with carrying on a traffic in "guns, powther, and shott — a trade 
damnable and injurious to the colonists." It is true, the ConneSlicut traders 
were fain to dabble a little in this " damnable traffic," but then they always 
dealt in what were termed Yankee guns, ingeniously calculated to burst 
at the first discharge and to do no mischief but to the pagan hands which 
used them. 

The rise of this potent confederacy was a death-blow to the glory of 
William the T'esty, for from that day forward he never held up his head, 
but appeared quite crestfallen. It is true, as the grand council augmented 
in power, and the league, rolling onward, gathered about the red hills of 
New Haven, threatening to overwhelm the Nieuw Nederlands, he contin- 
ued occasionally to fulminate proclamations and protests, as a shrewd sea- 
captain fires his guns into a water-spout ; but, alas ! they had no more 
effect than so many blank cartridges. 

[ 155 ] 



A History of [Bk. iv 

Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the reign of William the Testy ^ 
for henceforth, in the troubles, perplexities, and confusion of the times, 
he seems to have been totally overlooked, and to have slipped forever 
through the fingers of scrupulous history. It is a matter of deep concern 
that such obscurity should hang over his latter days, for he was in truth 
a mighty and great-little man, and worthy of being utterly renowned, 
seeing that he was the first potentate that introduced into this land the 
art of fighting by proclamation and defending a country by trumpeters 
and windmills. 

It is true that certain of the early provincial poets, of whom there were 
great numbers in the Nieuw Nederlamlts, taking advantage of his myste- 
rious exit, have fabled that, like Romulus, he was translated to the skies, 
and forms a very fiery little star somewhere on the left claw of the Crab ; 
while others, equally fanciful, declare that he had experienced a fate 
similar to that of the good King Arthur, who, we are assured by ancient 
bards, was carried away to the delicious abodes of fairy-land, where he 
still exists in pristine worth and vigor, and will, one day or another, re- 
turn to restore the gallantry, the honor, and the immaculate probity 
which prevailed in the glorious days of the Round Table.* 
All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, the cobweb visions of those 
dreaming varlets, the poets, to which I would not have my judicious 
reader attach any credibility. Neither am I disposed to credit an ancient 
and rather apocryphal historian who asserts that the ingenious Wilhehnus 
was annihilated by the blowing down of one of his windmills ; nor a 
writer of later times, who affirms that he fell a viftim to an experiment 
in natural history, having the misfortune to break his neck from a gar- 
ret-window of the stadthouse in attempting to catch swallows by sprin- 
kling salt upon their tails. Still less do I put my faith in the tradition that 
he perished at sea in conveying home to Hollaml a treasure of golden ore 
discovered somewhere among the haunted regions of the Catskill Moun- 
tains.-j^ 

• The old IVe/s/! bards believed that King Arthur was not dead, but carried awaie by the fairies 
into some pleasant place, where he shold remaine for a time, and then returne againe and reigne in 
as great authority as ever. — Hollinshed. 

The Britons suppose that he shall come yet and conquere all Britaigne, for certes, this is the pro- 
phicye of Merlyn — He say'd that his deth shall be doubteous ; and said soth, for men thereof yet 
have doubte and shullen for ever more — for men wyt not whether that he lyvcth or is dede. — 
De Leew, Chron. 

t Diedrich Knickerbocker^ in his scrupulous search after truth, is sometimes too fastidious in regard 
to fadls which border a little on the marvellous. The story of the golden ore rests on something 
better than mere tradition. The venerable Adrian Van der Donck, Doftor of Laws, in his descrip- 
tion of the New Netherlands, asserts it from his own observation as an eye-witness. He was present, 
he says, in 1645, at a treaty between Governor Kicft and the Mohawk Indians, in which one of the 
latter, in painting himself for the ceremony, used a pigment the weight and shining appearance 

[ 156 ] 



ch.xii] New York &^c. 

The most probable account declares that, what with the constant trou- 
bles on his frontiers, the incessant schemings and projefts going on in 
his own pericranium, the memorials, petitions, remonstrances, and sage 
pieces of advice of respeftable meetings of the sovereign people, and 
the refractory disposition of his privy councillors, who were sure to differ 
from him on every point, and uniformly to be in the wrong, his mind 
was kept in a furnace-heat until he became as completely burnt out as a 
Dutch family-pipe which has passed through three generations of hard 
smokers. In this manner did he undergo a kind of animal combustion, 
consuming away like a farthing rushlight, so that when grim death 
finally snuffed him out there was scarce left enough of him to bury ! 

of which excited the curiosity of the governor and Mynheer Fan der Donck. They obtained a lump 
and gave it to be proved by a sicilful doftor of medicine, Johannes de la Montagne, one of the coun- 
cillors of the Nezu Netherlands. It was put into a crucible and yielded two pieces of gold, worth 
about three guilders. All this, continues Adrian Fan der Donck, was kept secret. As soon as peace 
was made with the Mohawks, an officer and a few men were sent to the mountain (in the region 
of the Kaatskihl), under the guidance of an Indian, to search for the precious mineral. They brought 
back a bucketful of ore, which, being submitted to the crucible, proved as produflive as the first. 
William Kieft now thought the discovery certain. He sent a confidential person, Arent Corsen, with 
a bagful of the mineral, to New Haven, to take passage in an English ship for England, thence to 
proceed to Holland. The vessel sailed at Christmas, but never reached her port. All on board per- 
ished. 

In the year 1647, Wilhelmus Kieft himself embarked on board the Princess, taking with him speci- 
mens of the supposed mineral. The ship was never heard of more ! 

Some have supposed that the mineral in question was not gold, but pyrites; but we have the asser- 
tion of Adrian Van der Donck, an eye-witness, and the experiment of Johannes de la Montagne, a 
learned doftor of medicine, on the golden side of the question. Cornelius Van Tienhooven, also, at 
that time secretary of the New Netherlands, declared in Holland that he had tested several speci- 
mens of the mineral, which proved satisfaftory. (See Van der Donck' s "Description of the New 
Netherlands." Colleft. New York Hist. Society, Vol. I., p. 161.) 

It would appear, however, that these golden treasures of the Kaatskill always brought ill-luck, as 
is evidenced in the fate of Arent Corsen and IVilhelmiis Kieft and the wreck of the ships in which 
they attempted to convey the treasure across the ocean. The golden mines have never since been 
explored, but remain among the mysteries of the Kaatskill Mountains and under the proteftion of 
the goblins which haunt them. 



[ ^Sl\ 



BOOK V 

Containing 

The First Part of the Reign of 

And His Troubles with the 

AmphiSlyonic Council 



mwjmif^m^m 



BOOK 



V 



Chapter i 



IN which the death of a Great Man is shown to be no very 
inconsolable matter of Sorrow, and how Peter Stuyvesant acquired a great 
Name from the uncommon Strength of his Head. 

TO a profound philosopher like myself, who am apt to see 
clear through a subjeft, where the penetration of ordinary 
people extends but half-way, there is no fa6t more simple 
and manifest than that the death of a great man is a matter 
of very little importance. Much as we may think of our- 
selves, and much as we may excite the empty plaudits of the million, 
it is certain that the greatest among us do aftually fill but an exceeding 
small place in the world, and it is equally certain that even that small 
space is quickly supplied when we leave it vacant. " Of what consequence 
is it," said Pliny ^ " that individuals appear or make their exit ? The world 
is a theatre whose scenes and aftors are continually changing." Never 
did philosopher speak more correftly ; and I only wonder that so wise 
a remark could have existed so many ages and mankind not have laid 
it more to heart. Sage follows on in the footsteps of sage ; one hero just 
steps out of his triumphal car to make way for the hero who comes 
after him ; and of the proudest monarch it is merely said that "he slept 
with his fathers and his successor reigned in his stead." 
The world, to tell the private truth, cares but little for their loss, and 
if left to itself would soon forget to grieve; and though a nation has 
often been figuratively drowned in tears on the death of a great man, 
yet it is ten to one if an individual tear has been shed on the occasion, 
excepting from the forlorn pen of some hungry author. It is the his- 
torian, the biographer, and the poet who have the whole burden of 
grief to sustain, — who, kind souls! like undertakers in England, aft 
the part of chief mourners, — who inflate a nation with sighs it never 
heaved, and deluge it with tears it never dreamt of shedding. Thus, 
while the patriotic author is weeping and howling, in prose, in blank 

[ i6i ] 



A History of [Bk. v 

verse, and in rhyme, and colle6ling the drops of pubhc sorrow into his 
volume, as into a lachrymal vase, it is more than probable his fellow- 
citizens are eating and drinking, fiddling and dancing, as utterly igno- 
rant of the bitter lamentations made in their name as are those men of 
straw, 'John Doe and Richard Roe, of the plaintiffs for whom they are 
generously pleased to become sureties. 

The most glorious hero that ever desolated nations might have moul- 
dered into oblivion among the rubbish of his own monument, did not 
some historian take him into favor and benevolently transmit his name 
to posterity ; and, much as the valiant PVilliam Kieft worried and bustled 
and turmoiled while he had the destinies of a whole colony in his hand, 
I question seriously whether he will not be obliged to this authentic 
history for all his future celebrity. 

His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city of New Atnsterdam nor 
its vicinity : the earth trembled not, neither did any stars shoot from 
their spheres ; the heavens were not shrouded in black, as poets would 
fain persuade us they have been on the death of a hero ; the rocks (hard- 
hearted varlets !) melted not into tears, nor did the trees hang their 
heads in silent sorrow ; and as to the sun, he lay abed the next night 
just as long, and showed as jolly a face when he rose as he ever did on 
the same day of the month in any year, either before or since. The 
good people of New Amsterdam^ one and all, declared that he had been 
a very busy, adtive, bustling little governor; that he was "the father 
of his country"; that he was "the noblest work of God"; that "he 
was a man, take him for all in all, they ne'er should look upon his like 
again" ; together with sundry other civil and affectionate speeches reg- 
ularly said on the death of all great men : after which they smoked 
their pipes, thought no more about him, and Peter Stuyvesant succeeded 
to his station. 

Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and, like the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, 
the best of our ancient Dutch governors, — Wouter having surpassed all 
who preceded him, and Peter, or Piet, as he was sociably called by the 
old Dutch burghers, who were ever prone to familiarize names, having 
never been equalled by any successor. He was, in faft, the very man fitted 
by nature to retrieve the desperate fortunes of her beloved province, had 
not the Fates, those most potent and unrelenting of all ancient spinsters, 
destined them to inextricable confusion. 

To say merely that he was a hero would be doing him great injustice ; 
he was, in truth, a combination of heroes, for he was of a sturdy, raw- 
boned make, like Ajax Telamon, with a pair of round shoulders that 
Hercules would have given his hide for (meaning his lion's hide) when 

[ 1^2 ] 



Ch. i] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

he undertook to ease old Atlas of his load. He was, moreover, as Plu- 
tarch describes Coriolatius, not only terrible for the force of his arm, but 
likewise of his voice, which sounded as though it came out of a barrel ; 
and, like the selfsame warrior, he possessed a sovereign contempt for 
the sovereign people, and an iron asped: which was enough of itself to 
make the very bowels of his adversaries quake with terror and dismay. 
All this martial excellency of appearance was inexpressibly heightened 
by an accidental advantage, with which I am surprised that Homer and 
Virgil have not graced any of their heroes. This was nothing less than a 
wooden leg, which was the only prize he had gained in bravely fighting 
the battles of his country, but of which he was so proud that he was 
often heard to declare he valued it more than all his other limbs put to- 
gether ; indeed, so highly did he esteem it, that he had it gallantly en- 
chased and relieved with silver devices, which caused it to be related in 
divers histories and legends that he wore a silver leg.* 
Like that choleric warrior Achilles, he was somewhat subject to extem- 
pore bursts of passion, which were rather unpleasant to his favorites and 
attendants, whose perceptions he was apt to quicken, after the manner 
of his illustrious imitator, Peter the Great, by anointing their shoulders 
with his walking-staff. 

Though I cannot find that he had read Plato, or Aristotle, or Hobbes, or 
Bacon, or Algernon Sydney, or T'om Paine, yet did he sometimes manifest 
a shrewdness and sagacity in his measures that one would hardly expert 
from a man who did not know Greek and had never studied the ancients. 
True it is, and I confess it with sorrow, that he had an unreasonable 
aversion to experiments, and was fond of governing his province after 
the simplest manner ; but then he contrived to keep it in better order 
than did the erudite Kieft, though he had all the philosophers, ancient 
and modern, to assist and perplex him. I must likewise own that he made 
but very few laws ; but then, again, he took care that those few were 
rigidly and impartially enforced ; and I do not know but justice, on the 
whole, was as well administered as if there had been volumes of sage 
a6ts and statutes yearly made and daily neglefted and forgotten. 
He was, in fa6t, the very reverse of his predecessors, being neither tran- 
quil and inert, like Walter the Doubter, nor restless and fidgeting, like 
William the "Testy, — but a man, or rather a governor, of such uncommon 
activity and decision of mind, that he never sought nor accepted the 
advice of others, depending bravely upon his single head, as would a 
hero of yore upon his single arm, to carry him through all difficulties 

* See the histories of Masters Josselyn and Blome. 

[ 163 ] 



A History of [Bk. v 

and dangers. To tell the simple truth, he wanted nothing more to com- 
plete him as a statesman than to think always right ; tor no one can deny 
that he always afted as he thought. He was never a man to flinch when 
he found himself in a scrape, but to dash forward through thick and thin, 
trusting, by hook or by crook, to make all things straight in the end. In a 
word, he possessed in an eminent degree that great quality in a statesman 
called perseverance by the polite, but nicknamed obstinacy by the vulgar, 
— a wonderful salve for official blunders, since he who perseveres in error 
without flinching gets the credit of boldness and consistency, while he 
who wavers in seeking to do what is right gets stigmatized as a trimmer. 
This much is certain, — and it is a maxim well worthy the attention of all 
legislators, great and small, who stand shaking in the wind, irresolute 
which way to steer, — that a ruler who follows his own will pleases him- 
self, while he who seeks to satisfy the wishes and whims of others runs 
great risk of pleasing nobody. There is nothing, too, like putting down 
one's foot resolutely when in doubt, and letting things take their course. 
The clock that stands still points right twice in the four-and-twenty 
hours, while others may keep going continually and be continually go- 
ing wrong. 

Nor did this magnanimous quality escape the discernment of the good 
people of Nieuw Nederlands ; on the contrary, so much were they struck 
with the independent will and vigorous resolution displayed on all occa- 
sions by their new governor, that they universally called him Hard- 
Koppig Peet, or Peter the Headstrong, — a great compliment to the strength 
of his understanding. 

If, from all that I have said, thou dost not gather, worthy reader, that 
Peter Stuyvesant was a tough, sturdy, valiant, weather-beaten, mettlesome, 
obstinate, leathern-sided, lion-hearted, generous-spirited old governor, 
either I have written to but little purpose, or thou art very dull at draw- 
ing conclusions. 

This most excellent governor commenced his administration on the 29th 
of May, 1647, — ^ remarkably stormy day, distinguished in all the al- 
manacs of the time which have come down to us by the name of IVindy 
Friday. As he was very jealous of his personal and official dignity, he was 
inaugurated into office with great ceremony, — the goodly oaken chair 
of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller being carefully preserved for such 
occasions, in like manner as the chair and stone were reverentially ^xt- 
servedzt Sc/ione,in Scot/and, for the coronation of the Caledonian monarchs. 
I must not omit to mention that the tempestuous state of the elements, 
together with its being that unlucky day of the week termed "hanging- 
day," did not fail to excite much grave speculation and divers very reason- 

[ 164 ] 



Ch. i] N E W Y O R K 



C. 



able apprehensions among the more ancient and enlightened inhabitants ; 
and several of the sager sex, who were reputed to be not a little skilled 
in the mystery of astrology and fortune-telling, did declare outright that 
they were omens of a disastrous administration ; — an event that came to 
be lamentably verified, and which proves beyond dispute the wisdom of 
attending to those preternatural intimations furnished by dreams and vi- 
sions, the flying of birds, falling of stones, and cackling of geese, on which 
the sages and rulers of ancient times placed such reliance ; or to those 
shooting of stars, eclipses of the moon, bowlings of dogs, and flarings of 
candles, carefully noted and interpreted by the oracular sibyls of our day, 
— who, in my humble opinion, are the legitimate inheritors and pre- 
servers of the ancient science of divination. This much is certain, that 
Governor Stuyvesant succeeded to the chair of state at a turbulent period ; 
when foes thronged and threatened from without ; when anarchy and stiff- 
necked opposition reigned rampant within ; when the authority of their 
High Mightinesses the Lords States General, though supported by econ- 
omy and defended by speeches, protests, and proclamations, yet tottered 
to its very centre ; and when the great city of New Amsterdam, though 
fortified by flagstaffs, trumpeters, and windmills, seemed, like some fair 
lady of easy virtue, to lie open to attack, and ready to yield to the first 
invader. 



Ch 

[ 165 ] 



Chapter ii 



SHOWING how Peter the Headstrong bestirred himself 
among the Rats atid Cobwebs on entering into Office; His interview witli 
Anthony the Trumpeter, and his perilous meddling with the Currency. 

THE very first movements of the great Peter, on taking the 
reins of government, displayed his magnanimity, though they 
occasioned not a little marvel and uneasiness among the peo- 
ple oix\\&Manhattoes. Finding himself constantly interrupted 
by the opposition, and annoyed by the advice of his privy 
council, the members of which had acquired the unreasonable habit of 
thinking and speaking for themselves during the preceding reign, he de- 
termined at once to put a stop to such grievous abominations. Scarcely, 
therefore, had he entered upon his authority, than he turned out of office 
all the meddlesome spirits of the faftious cabinet of William the Testy, in 
place of vvfhom he chose unto himself counsellors from those fat, somnif- 
erous, respeftable burghers who had flourished and slumbered under the 
easy reign oiWalter the Doubter. All these he caused to be furnished with 
abundance of fair long pipes, and to be regaled with frequent corporation 
dinners, admonishing them to smoke, and eat, and sleep for the good of 
the nation, while he took the burden of government upon his own shoul- 
ders, — an arrangement to which they all gave hearty acquiescence. 
Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout among the inventions and 
expedients of his learned predecessor ; rooting up his patent gallows, 
where caitiff vagabonds were suspended by the waistband, — demolishing 
his flagstaffs and windmills, which, like mighty giants, guarded the ram- 
parts of New Amsterdam, — pitching to the duyvel whole batteries of 
quaker guns, — and, in a word, turning topsy-turvy the whole philosophic, 
economic, and windmill system of the immortal sage oi Saardam. 
The honest folk of New Amsterdam began to quake now for the fate of 
their matchless champion, Anthony the Trumpeter, who had acquired pro- 
digious favor in the eyes of the women, by means of his whiskers and his 
trumpet. Him did Peter the Headstrong cause to be brought into his pre- 
sence, and eyeing him for a moment from head to foot, with a counte- 
nance that would have appalled anything else than a sounder of brass, 
"Pr'ythee, who and what art thou.?" said he. "Sire," replied the other, 
in no wise dismayed, "for my name, it is Anthony Van Corlear ; for my 

[ i66 ] 



Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

parentage, I am the son of my mother ; for my profession, I am cham- 
pion and garrison of this great city of New Amsterdam^ " I doubt me 
much," said Peter Stuyuesant, " that thou art some scurvy costard-monger 
knave. How didst thou acquire this paramount honor and dignity?" 
" Marry, sir," replied the other, "like many a great man before me, sim- 
ply by sounding tny own trumpet.^'' " Ay, is it so ? " quoth the governor ; 
"why, then let us have a relish of thy art." Whereupon the good Anthony 
put his instrument to his lips, and sounded a charge with such a tremen- 
dous outset, such a delegable quaver, and such a triumphant cadence, 
that it was enough to make one's heart leap out of one's mouth only to 
be within a mile of it. Like as a war-worn charger, grazing in peaceful 
plains, starts at a strain of martial music, pricks up his ears, and snorts, 
and paws, and kindles at the noise, so did the heroic Peter joy to hear 
the clangor of the trumpet ; for of him might truly be said what was 
recorded of the renowned St. George oi England, "there was nothing in 
all the world that more rejoiced his heart than to hear the pleasant sound 
of war and see the soldiers brandish forth their steeled weapons." Cast- 
ing his eyes more kindly, therefore, upon the sturdy Van Cor/ear, and 
finding him to be a jolly, fat little man, shrewd in his discourse, yet of great 
discretion and immeasurable wind, he straightway conceived a vast kind- 
ness for him, and, discharging him from the troublesome duty of garri- 
soning, defending, and alarming the city, ever after retained him about 
his person as his chief favorite, confidential envoy, and trusty squire. In- 
stead of disturbing the city with disastrous notes, he was instrufted to 
play so as to delight the governor while at his repasts, as did the min- 
strels of yore in the days of glorious chivalry, — and on all public occa- 
sions to rejoice the ears of the people with warlike melody, thereby keep- 
ing alive a noble and martial spirit. 

But the measure of the sturdy Peter which produced the greatest agita- 
tion in the community was his laying his hand upon the currency. He 
had old-fashioned notions in favor of gold and silver, which he consid- 
ered the true standards of wealth and mediums of commerce ; and one 
of his first edifts was, that all duties to government should be paid in 
those precious metals, and that seawant, or wampum, should no longer 
be a legal tender. 

Here was a blow at public prosperity ! All those who speculated on the 
rise and fall of this fluctuating currency found their calling at an end ; 
those, too, who had hoarded Indian money by barrels full, found their 
capital shrunk in amount ; but, above all, the Yankee traders, who were 
accustomed to flood the market with newly coined oyster-shells, and to 
abstract Dutch merchandise in exchange, were loud-mouthed in decry- 

[ 167 ] 



A History ^c, [Bk. v 

ing this "tampering with the currency/' It was clipping the wings of 
commerce ; it was checking the development of public prosperity ; trade 
would be at an end ; goods would moulder on the shelves ; grain would 
rot in the granaries ; grass would grow in the market-place. In a word, 
no one who has not heard the outcries and bowlings of a modern Tar- 
shish, at any check upon " paper money," can have any idea of the clamor 
against Peter the Headstrong for checking the circulation of oyster-shells. 
In fa(5t, trade did shrink into narrower channels, but then the stream was 
deep as it was broad ; the honest Dutchmen sold less goods, but then they 
got the worth of them, either in silver and gold, or in codfish, tin-ware, 
apple-brandy, Weathersjield onions, wooden bowls, and other articles of 
Yankee barter. The ingenious people of the east, however, indemnified 
themselves another way for having to abandon the coinage of oyster- 
shells ; for, about this time we are told that wooden nutmegs made their 
first appearance in New Amsterdam, to the great annoyance of the Dutch 
housewives. 

NOTE : From a Manuscript Record of the Province ; Lib. N. T. Hist. Society. — We have been unable 
to render your inhabitants wiser and prevent their being further imposed upon than to declare abso- 
lutely and peremptorily that henceforward seawant shall be bullion, — not longer admissible in trade, 
without any value, as it is indeed. So that every one may be upon his guard to barter no longer away his 
wares and merchandises for these bubbles, — at least not to accept them at a higher rate, or in a larger 
quantity, than as they may want them in their trade with the savages. 

In this way your English \_Ti!nkee~\ neighbors shall no longer be enabled to draw the best wares and 
merchandises from our country for nothing, — the beavers and furs not excepted. This has indeed 
long since been insufferable, although it ought chiefly to be imputed to the imprudent penuriousness 
of our own merchants and inhabitants, who, it is to be hoped, shall through the abolition of this sea- 
want become wiser and more prudent. 
z'jth "January, l66z. 

Seawant falls into disrepute ; duties to be paid in silver coin. 



Chap. 

[ i68 J 



Chapter i i i 



How the Yankee League waxed more and fnore Potent^ and 
homo it outwitted the Good Peter in Treaty -Making. 



OW, it came to pass that while Peter Stuyvesant was busy 
regulating the internal affairs of his domain, the great Yankee 



league, which had caused such tribulation to William the 



1 ^ Testy., continued to increase in extent and power. The grand 
AtnphiSlyonic council of the league was held at Boston., where 
it spun its web, which threatened to link within it all the mighty princi- 
palities and powers of the east. The objeft professed by this formidable 
combination was mutual proteftion and defence against their savage neigh- 
bors ; but all the world knows the real aim was to form a grand crusade 
against the Nieuw Neder lands, and to get possession of the city of the 
Manhattoes, — as devout an objeft of enterprise and ambition to the Yan- 
kees as was ever the capture of "Jerusalem to ancient crusaders. 
In the very year following the inauguration of Governor Stuyvesant, a 
grand deputation departed from the city of Providence (famous for its 
dusty streets and beauteous women) in behalf of the plantation ot Rhode 
Island, praying to be admitted into the league. 

The following minute of this deputation appears in the ancient records 
of the council : * 

*'00r. cam. Cottinffton ano Captain partriDg: of IR&ooDc 3!5lanD pre= 
''scntcD tbis insctDinff request to tbe commissioners m torigbting — 
"©ur request ano motion is in bcbalfc of KbooDe 3iIanD, tbat toce tf)e 
"3IIanQers of EooDe=3IlanD map be rcscauieD into combmation toitb all 
"tbe uniten colonpcs of Beto OBnglanD in a firme ano perpetual league 
"of frienosbip anD amitg of ofence anD Defence, mutual! aDtiice anO suc^ 
"cor upon all just occasions for our mutuall safetp ano toellfaire, etc. 

"mill Cottington, 
"aiicrsanDer IpartriDg." 

There was certainly something in the very physiognomy of this docu- 
ment that might well inspire apprehension. The name ot Alexander, how- 
ever misspelt, has been warlike in every age ; and, though its fierceness 
is in some measure softened by being coupled with the gentle cognomen 

• Haz. Col. Stat. Pap. 

[ 169 ] 



A History, oy" [Bk. v 

of Partridge, still, like the color of scarlet, it bears an exceeding great re- 
semblance to the sound of a trumpet. From the style of the letter, more- 
over, and the soldier-like ignorance of orthography displayed by the noble 
Captain Alicxsander Partridg in spelling his own name, we may pifture to 
ourselves this mighty man of /^/w^fj, strong in arms, potent in the field, and 
as great a scholar as though he had been educated among that learned people 
oiThracevj\\o,Aristot/e assures us, could not count beyond the number four. 
The result of this great Yankee league was augmented audacity on the 
part of the moss-troopers oi ConneSlicut, — pushing their encroachments 
farther and farther into the territories of their High Mightinesses, so 
that even the inhabitants of New Amsterdam began to draw short breath 
and to find themselves exceedingly cramped for elbow-room. 
Peter Stuyvesant was not a man to submit quietly to such intrusions ; his 
first impulse was to march at once to the frontier and kick these squat- 
ting Tankees out of the country ; but, bethinking himself in time that 
he was now a governor and legislator, the policy of the statesman for 
once cooled the fire of the old soldier, and he determined to try his hand 
at negotiation. A correspondence accordingly ensued between him and 
the grand council of the league, and it was agreed that commissioners 
from either side should meet at Hartford, to settle boundaries, adjust 
grievances, and establish a "perpetual and happy peace." 
The commissioners on the part of the Manhattoes were chosen, according 
to immemorial usage of that venerable metropolis, from among the 
"wisest and weightiest" men of the community — that is to say, men with 
the oldest heads and heaviest pockets. Among these sages the veteran 
navigator, Hans Reinier Oothout, who had made such extensive discover- 
ies during the time of Oloffe the Dreamer, was looked up to as an oracle 
in all matters of the kind ; and he was ready to produce the very spy-glass 
with which he first spied the mouth of the ConneElicut River from his 
mast-head, — and all the world knows the discovery of the mouth of a 
river gives prior right to all the lands drained by its waters. 
It was with feelings of pride and exultation that the good people of the 
Manhattoes saw two of the richest and most ponderous burghers depart- 
ing on this embassy, — men whose word on 'change was oracular, and in 
whose presence no poor man ventured to appear without taking off his 
hat. When it was seen, too, that the veteran Reinier Oothout accompan- 
ied them with his spy-glass under his arm, all the old men and old wo- 
men predicted that men of such weight, with such evidence, would leave 
the Tankees no alternative but to pack up their tin kettles and wooden 
wares, put wife and children in a cart, and abandon all the lands of their 
High Mightinesses on which they had squatted. 

[ 170 ] 



ch. hi] New York ^c. 

In truth, the commissioners sent to Hartford by the league seemed in no 
wise calculated to compete with men of such capacity. They were two 
lean Yankee lawyers, litigious-looking varlets, and evidently men of no 
substance, since they had no rotundity in the belt and there was no jin- 
gling of money in their pockets. It is true, they had longer heads than 
the Dutchmen ; but if the heads of the latter were flat at top, they were 
broad at bottom, and what was wanting in height of forehead was made 
up by a double chin. 

The negotiation turned, as usual, upon the good old corner-stone of origi- 
nal discovery, — according to the principle that he who first sees a new 
country has an unquestionable right to it. This being admitted, the veteran 
Oot/iout, at a concerted signal, stepped forth in the assembly with the iden- 
tical tarpauling spy-glass in his hand, with which he had discovered the 
mouth of the ConneSlicut, while the worthy Dutch commissioners lolled 
back in their chairs, secretly chuckling at the idea of having for once got 
the weather-gauge of the 2'/;//;y^t't'j-; but what was their dismay when the lat- 
ter produced a Nantucket whaler with a spy-glass twice as long, with which 
he discovered the whole coast, quite down to the Manhattoes^ and so crooked 
that he had spied with it up the whole course of the ConneSiicut River! 
This principle pushed home, therefore, the Yankees had a right to the 
whole country bordering on the Sound ; nay, the city of Nenjo Amsterdam 
was a mere Dutch squatting place on their territories. 
I forbear to dwell upon the confusion of the worthy Dutch commissioners 
at finding their main pillar of proof thus knocked from under them ; nei- 
ther will I pretend to describe the consternation of the wise men at the 
Manhattoes when they learned how their commissioner had been out- 
trumped by the Yankees, and how the latter pretended to claim to the 
very gates of Ne-w Amsterdam. 

Long was the negotiation protra6led, and long was the public mind kept 
in a state of anxiety. There are two modes of settling boundary questions 
when the claims of the opposite are irreconcilable. One is by an appeal 
to arms, in which case the weakest party is apt to lose its right, and get 
a broken head into the bargain ; the other mode is by compromise, or 
mutual concession, — that is to say, one party cedes half of its claims and 
the other party half of its rights ; he who grasps most gets most, and the 
whole is pronounced an equitable division, "perfectly honorable to both 
parties." 

The latter mode was adopted in the present instance. The Yankees gave 
up claims to vast trafts of the Nieuw Nederlands which they had never 
seen, and all right to the island oi Manna-hata and the city of New Am- 
sterdam; while the Dutch, in return, agreed that the Yankees should re- 

[ 171 ] 



A History '^c. [Bk.v 

tain possession of the frontier places where they had squatted, and of 
both sides of the ConneSlicut River. 

When the news of this treaty arrived at New Amsterdam, the whole city 
was in an uproar of exultation. The old women rejoiced that there was 
to be no war, the old men that their cabbage-gardens were safe from in- 
vasion ; while the political sages pronounced the treaty a great triumph 
over the Yankees, considering how much they had claimed and how 
little they had been "fobbed off with." 

And now my worthy reader is, doubtless, like the great and good Feter, 
congratulating himself with the idea that his feelings will no longer be 
harassed by afflicting details of stolen horses, broken heads, impounded 
hogs, and all the other catalogue of heart-rending cruelties that disgraced 
these border wars. But if he should indulge in such expectations, it is a 
proof that he is but little versed in the paradoxical ways of cabinets ; to 
convince him of which, I solicit his serious attention to my next chap- 
ter, wherein I will show that Peter Stuyvesant has already committed a 
great error in politics, and, by effecting a peace, has materially hazarded 
the tranquillity of the province. 



Chap 

[ 172 ] 



Chapter iv 



CONTAINING divers Speculations on War and Negotia- 
tions — Showing that a Treaty of Peace is a great National Evil. 

IT was the opinion of that poetical philosopher, Lucretius, that war 
was the original state of man, whom he described as being primi- 
tively a savage beast of prey, engaged in a constant state of hos- 
tility with his own species, and that this ferocious spirit was tamed 
and ameliorated by society. The same opinion has been advocated 
by Hobbes,* nor have there been wanting many other philosophers to 
admit and defend it. 

For my part, though prodigiously fond of these valuable speculations, 
so complimentary to human nature, yet, in this instance, I am inclined 
to take the proposition by halves, believing with Horace-f that though 
war may have been originally the favorite amusement and industrious 
employment of our progenitors, yet, like many other excellent habits, 
so far from being ameliorated, it has been cultivated and confirmed by 
refinement and civilization, and increases in exaft proportion as we ap- 
proach towards that state of perfection which is the ne plus ultra of mod- 
ern philosophy. 

The first conflift between man and man was the mere exertion of phy- 
sical force, unaided by auxiliary weapons ; his arm was his buckler, his 
fist was his mace, and a broken head the catastrophe of his encounters. 
The battle of unassisted strength was succeeded by the more rugged one 
of stones and clubs, and war assumed a sanguinary aspeft. As man ad- 
vanced in refinement, as his faculties expanded, and as his sensibilities 
became more exquisite, he grew rapidly more ingenious and experienced 
in the art of murdering his fellow-beings. He invented a thousand de- 
vices to defend and to assault : the helmet, the cuirass, and the buckler, 
the sword, the dart, and the javelin, prepared him to elude the wound 
as well as to launch the blow. Still urging on in the career of philan- 
thropic invention, he enlarges and heightens his powers of defence and 

* Hoiies' Leviathan. Part i. ch. 13. 

t Quum prorepserunt primis aniraalia terris, 
Mutuum ac turpe pecus, glandem atque cubilia propter, 
Unguibus et pugnis, dein fustibus, atque ita porro 
Pugnabant armis, qus post fabricaverat usus. 

HoR. Sat. L. i. S. 3. 

[ U3 ] 



A History of [Bk. v 

injury : the Aries ^ the Scorpio, the Ballista, and the Catapulta give a 
horror and sublimity to war, and magnify its glory, by increasing its 
desolation. Still insatiable, though armed with machinery that seemed 
to reach the limits of destruftive invention, and to yield a power of in- 
jury commensurate even with the desires of revenge, still deeper re- 
searches must be made in the diabolical arcana. With furious zeal he 
dives into the bowels of the earth ; he toils midst poisonous minerals and 
deadly salts, — the sublime discovery of gunpowder blazes upon the world ; 
and jfinally the dreadful art of fighting by proclamation seems to en- 
dow the demon of war with ubiquity and omnipotence ! 
This, indeed, is grand ! — this, indeed, marks the powers of mind, and 
bespeaks that divine endowment of reason which distinguishes us from 
the animals, our inferiors. The unenlightened brutes content themselves 
with the native force which Providence has assigned them. The angry 
bull butts with his horns, as did his progenitors before him ; the lion, 
the leopard, and the tiger seek only with their talons and their fangs to 
gratify their sanguinary fury ; and even the subtle serpent darts the same 
venom and uses the same wiles as did his sire before the flood. Man 
alone, blessed with the inventive mind, goes on from discovery to dis- 
covery, — enlarges and multiplies his powers of destruction, — arrogates 
the tremendous weapons of Deity itself, and tasks creation to assist him 
in murdering his brother-worm ! 

In proportion as the art of war has increased in improvement has the 
art of preserving peace advanced in equal ratio ; and, as we have discov- 
ered, in this age of wonders and inventions, that proclamation is the 
most formidable engine in war, so have we discovered the no less in- 
genious mode of maintaining peace by perpetual negotiations. 
A treaty, or, to speak more correftly, a negotiation, therefore, according 
to the acceptation of experienced statesmen learned in these matters, is 
no longer an attempt to accommodate differences, to ascertain rights, 
and to establish an equitable exchange of kind offices, but a contest of 
skill between two powers, which shall overreach and take in the other. 
It is a cunning endeavor to obtain by peaceful manoeuvre and the chi- 
canery of cabinets those advantages which a nation would otherwise 
have wrested by force of arms, — in the same manner as a conscientious 
highwayman reforms and becomes a quiet and praiseworthy citizen, con- 
tenting himself with cheating his neighbor out of that property he would 
formerly have seized with open violence. 

In faft, the only time when two nations can be said to be in a state of 
perfed: amity is when a negotiation is open and a treaty pending. Then, 
when there are no stipulations entered into, no bonds to restrain the 

[ 174 ] 



ch.iv] New York ^c, 

will, no specific limits to awaken the captious jealousy of right implanted 
in our nature, when each party has some advantage to hope and expeft 
from the other, then it is that the two nations are wonderfully gracious 
and friendly, — their ministers professing the highest mutual regard, ex- 
changing billets-doux, making fine speeches, and indulging in all those 
little diplomatic flirtations, coquetries, and fondlings that do so marvel- 
lously tickle the good-humor of the respeftive nations. Thus, it may para- 
doxically be said that there is never so good an understanding between 
two nations as when there is a little misunderstanding, and that so long 
as they are on no terms at all, they are on the best terms in the world ! 
I do not by any means pretend to claim the merit of having made the 
above discovery. It has, in fact, long been secretly acted upon by certain 
enlightened cabinets, and is, together with divers other notable theories, 
privately copied out of the commonplace book of an illustrious gentle- 
man who has been member of congress and enjoyed the unlimited con- 
fidence of heads of departments. To this principle may be ascribed the 
wonderful ingenuity shown of late years in protracting and interrupting 
negotiations. Hence the cunning measure of appointing as ambassador 
some political pettifogger skilled in delays, sophisms, and misapprehen- 
sions, and dexterous in the art of baffling argument, — or some blunder- 
ing statesman whose errors and misconstructions may be a plea for re- 
fusing to ratify his engagements. And hence, too, that most notable ex- 
pedient, so popular with our government, of sending out a brace of am- 
bassadors, — between whom, having each an individual will to consult, 
character to establish, and interest to promote, you may as well look for 
unanimity and concord as between two lovers with one mistress, two 
dogs with one bone, or two naked rogues with one pair of breeches. 
This disagreement, therefore, is continually breeding delays and impedi- 
ments, in consequence of which the negotiation goes on swimmingly — 
inasmuch as there is no prospeCt of its ever coming to a close. Nothing 
is lost by these delays and obstacles but time ; and, in a negotiation, ac- 
cording to the theory I have exposed, all time lost is in reality so much 
time gained : with what delightful paradoxes does modern political econ- 
omy abound ! 

Now, all that I have here advanced is so notoriously true that I almost 
blush to take up the time of my readers with treating of matters which 
must many a time have stared them in the face. But the proposition to 
which I would most earnestly call their attention is this, that though a 
negotiation be the most harmonizing of all national transactions, yet 
a treaty of peace is a great political evil and one of the most fruitful 
sources of war. 

[ ^75 ] 



A History of [Bk. v 

1 have rarely seen an instance of any special contraft between individu- 
als that did not produce jealousies, bickerings, and otten downright rup- 
tures between them ; nor did I ever know of a treaty between two na- 
tions that did not occasion continual misunderstandings. How many 
worthy country neighbors have I known, who, after living in peace and 
good-fellowship for years, have been thrown into a state of distrust, ca- 
villing, and animosity by some ill-starred agreement about fences, runs 
of water, and stray cattle ! And how many well-meaning nations, who 
would otherwise have remained in the most amicable disposition towards 
each other, have been brought to swords' points about the intringement 
or misconstruftion of some treaty which in an evil hour they had con- 
cluded, by way of making their amity more sure ! 

Treaties at best are but complied with so long as interest requires their 
fulfilment ; consequently, they are virtually binding on the weaker party 
only, or, in plain truth, they are not binding at all. No nation will wan- 
tonly go to war with another if it has nothing to gain thereby, and there- 
fore needs no treaty to restrain it fiom violence ; and if it have anything 
to gain, I much question, from what I have witnessed ot the righteous 
condu6l of nations, whether any treaty could be made so strong that it 
could not thrust the sword through, — nay, I would hold ten to one, the 
treaty itself would be the very source to which resort would be had to 
find a pretext for hostilities. 

Thus, therefore, I conclude that, though it is the best of all policies for 
a nation to keep up a constant negotiation with its neighbors, yet it is the 
summit of folly for it ever to be beguiled into a treaty ; for, then comes 
on non-fulfilment and infraftion, then remonstrance, then altercation, then 
retaliation, then recrimination, and finally open war. In a word, nego- 
tiation is like courtship, a time of sweet words, gallant speeches, soft 
looks, and endearing caresses ; but, the marriage ceremony is the signal 
for hostilities. 

If my painstaking reader be not somewhat perplexed by the ratiocination 
of the foregoing passage, he will perceive at a glance that the Great 
Peter^ in concluding a treaty with his eastern neighbors, was guilty ot 
lamentable error in policy. In faft, to this unlucky agreement may be 
traced a world of bickerings and heart-burnings between the parties 
about fancied or pretended infringements of treaty stipulations, in all 
which the Yankees were prone to indemnify themselves by a "dig into 
the sides" of the New Netherlands. But, in sooth, these border feuds, 
albeit they gave great annoyance to the good burghers of Manna-hata, 
were so pitiful in their nature that a grave historian like myself, who 
grudges the time spent in anything less than the revolutions of states and 

[ 176 ] 



Ch. iv] N E W Y O R K &^C. 

fall of empires, would deem them unworthy of being inscribed on his 
page. The reader is, therefore, to take it for granted, though I scorn to 
waste in the detail that time which my furrowed brow and trembling 
hand inform me is invaluable, that all the while the Great Peter was oc- 
cupied in those tremendous and bloody contests which I shall shortly 
rehearse, there was a continued series of little, dirty, snivelling scourings, 
broils, and maraudings kept up on the eastern frontiers by the moss- 
troopers of ConneSlicut. But, like that mirror of chivalry, the sage and 
valorous Don Quixote, I leave these petty contests for some future Saiicho 
Panza of an historian, while I reserve my prowess and my pen for achieve- 
ments of higher dignity. In faft, there were naught but skirmishings 
upon the outposts, preparatory to a grand campaign meditated by the 
great commander of the league against the Manhattoes and its immacu- 
late governor, and at this moment I hear a direful and portentous note 
issuing from the bosom of the council and resounding throughout the 
regions of the east, menacing the fame and fortunes of Peter Stuyvesant. I 
call, therefore, upon the reader to leave behind him all the paltry brawls 
of the Connedlicut borders, and to press forward with me to the relief of 
our favorite hero, who, I foresee, will be wofully beset by the implaca- 
ble Yankees in the next chapter. 



Chap. 

[ ^11 ] 



Chapter v 



How Peter Stuyvesant was grievously belied by the great 

Council of the League^ and how he sent Anthony the Trumpeter to take 
to the Council a piece of his Mind. 

THAT the reader may be aware of the peril at this moment 
menacing Peter Stuyvesant and his capital, I must remind 
him of the old charge advanced in the council of the league 
in the time of William the Testy, that the Nederlanders were 
carrying on a trade "damnable and injurious to the colo- 
nists," in furnishing the savages with "guns, powther, and shott." This, 
as I then suggested, was a crafty device of the Yankee confederacy to have 
a snug cause of war in petto, in case any favorable opportunity should pre- 
sent of attempting the conquest of the New Neder lands, the great objeft 
of Yankee ambition. 

Accordingly, we now find, when every other ground of complaint had 
apparently been removed by treaty, this nefarious charge revived with 
tenfold virulence and hurled like a thunderbolt at the very head of 
Peter Stuyvesant. Happily, his head, like that of the great bull of the 
Wabash, was proof against such missiles. 

To be explicit, we are told that in the year 1651 the great confeder- 
acy of the east accused the immaculate Peter, the soul of honor and 
heart of steel, of secretly endeavoring, by gifts and promises, to instigate 
the Narroheganset, Mohaque, and Pequot Indians to surprise and massacre 
the Yankee settlements. " For," as the grand council observed, " the In- 
dians round about for divers hundred miles cercute seeme to have drunk 
deepe of an intoxicating cupp, att or from the Manhattoes against the 
English, whoe have sought their good, both in bodily and spirituall 
respects." 

This charge they pretended to support by the evidence of divers Indians, 
who were probably moved by that spirit of truth which is said to reside 
in the bottle, and who swore to the fadt as sturdily as though they had 
been so many Christian troopers. 

Though descended from a family which suffered much injury from the 
losel Yankees of those times, my great-grandfather having had a yoke of 
oxen and his best pacer stolen, and having received a pair of black eyes 
and a bloody nose in one of these border wars, and my grandfather, when 

[ 178 ] 



Ch. v] N E W Y O R K "^ ' 



C. 



a very little boy tending pigs, having been kidnapped and severely flogged 
by a long-sided Connecticut schoolmaster, yet I should have passed over 
all these wrongs with forgiveness and oblivion ; I could even have suf- 
fered them to have broken Everet Duckings head, to have kicked the 
doughty Jacobus Van Curlet and his ragged regiment out-of-doors, to 
have carried every hog into captivity, and depopulated every hen-roost 
on the face of the earth with perfeft impunity, — but this wanton attack 
upon one of the most gallant and irreproachable heroes of modern times 
is too much even for me to digest, and has overset, with a single puff, 
the patience of the historian and the forbearance of the Dutchman. 
Oh, reader, it was false ! I swear to thee, it was false ! If thou hast any 
respea to my word, if the undeviating charafter for veracity which I 
have endeavored to maintain throughout this work has its due weight 
with thee, thou wilt not give thy faith to this tale of slander ; for, I 
pledge my honor and my immortal fame to thee that the gallant Peter 
Stuyvesant was not only innocent of this foul conspiracy, but would have 
suffered his right arm or even his wooden leg to consume with slow 
and everlasting flames, rather than attempt to destroy his enemies in any 
other way than open, generous warfare. Beshrew those caitiff scouts that 
conspired to sully his honest name by such an imputation ! 
Peter Stuyvesant, though haply he may never have heard of a knight- 
errant, had as true a heart of chivalry as ever beat at the round table 
of King Arthur. In the honest bosom of this heroic Dutchman dwelt the 
seven noble virtues of knighthood, flourishing among his hardy quali- 
ties like wild flowers among rocks. He was, in truth, a hero of chivalry 
struck off by nature at a single heat, and, though little care may have 
been taken to refine her workmanship, he stood forth a miracle of her 
skill. In all his dealings he was headstrong, perhaps, but open and above- 
board ; if there was anything in the whole world he most loathed and 
despised, it was cunning and secret wile; "straightforward" was his 
motto, and he would at any time rather run his hard head against a 
stone wall than attempt to get round it. 

Such was Peter Stuyvesant ; and, if my admiration of him has on this oc- 
casion transported my style beyond the sober gravity which becomes 
the philosophic recorder of historic events, I must plead as an apology 
that, though a little gray-headed Dutchman, arrived almost at the down- 
hill of life, I still retain a lingering spark of that fire which kindles in 
the eye of youth when contemplating the virtues of ancient worthies. 
Blessed, thrice and nine times blessed, be the good St. Nicholas, if I have 
indeed escaped that apathy which chills the sympathies of age and para- 
lyzes every glow of enthusiasm. 

[ 179 ] 



A History ^r. [Bk. v 

The tirst measure oi Peter Stuyvesant on hearing of this slanderous charge 
would have been worthy of a man who had studied for years in the chiv- 
alrous library of Don Quixote. Drawing his sword and laying it across 
the table, to put him in proper tune, he took pen in hand and indited 
a proud and lotty letter to the council of the league, reproaching them 
with giving ear to the slanders of heathen savages against a Christian, a 
soldier, and a cavalier ; declaring that whoever charged him with the 
plot in question lied in his throat, — to prove which he offered to meet 
the president of the council or any of his compeers, or their champion. 
Captain Alicxsander Partridge that mighty man oi Rhodes, in single com- 
bat, wherein he trusted to vindicate his honor by the prowess of his arm. 
This missive was intrusted to his trumpeter and squire, Anthony Van 
Corlear, that man of emergencies, with orders to travel night and day, 
sparing neither whip nor spur, seeing that he carried the vindication of 
his patron's fame in his saddle-bags. 

The loyal Anthony accomplished his mission with great speed and con- 
siderable loss of leather. He delivered his missive with becoming cere- 
mony, accompanying it with a flourish of defiance on his trumpet to 
the whole council, ending with a significant and nasal twang full in the 
face of Captain Partridg, who nearly jumped out of his skin in an ec- 
stasy of astonishment. 

The grand council was composed of men too cool and pradfical to be 
put readily in a heat or to indulge in knight-errantry, and, above all, 
to run a tilt with such a fiery hero as Peter the Headstrong. They knew 
the advantage, however, to have always a snug, justifiable cause of war 
in reserve with a neighbor who had territories worth invading ; so they 
devised a reply to Peter Stuyvesant calculated to keep up the "raw" 
which they had established. 

On receiving this answer, Anthony Van Cor/ear remounted the Flanders 
mare which he always rode, and trotted merrily back to the Manhattoes, 
solacing himself by the way according to his wont, twanging his trum- 
pet like a very devil, so that the sweet valleys and banks of the Con- 
neSlicut resounded with the warlike melody, bringing all the folks to 
the windows as he passed through Hartford and Pyquag, and Middletown, 
and all the other border towns, ogling and winking at the women, and 
making aerial windmills from the end of his nose at their husbands, 
and stopping occasionally in the villages to eat pumpkin-pies, dance at 
country frolics, and bundle with the Yankee lasses, whom he rejoiced 
exceedingly with his soul-stirring instrument. 

Chap. 

[ i8o ] 



Chapter vi 



HOW Peter Stuyvesant demanded a Court of Honor ^ and 

of the Court of Honor awarded to him. 

THE reply of the grand council to Peter Stuyvesant was couched 
in the coolest and most diplomatic language. They assured 
him that "his confidential denials of the barbarous plot al- 
leged against him would weigh little against the testimony 
of divers sober and respeftable Indians'' \ that "his guilt 
was proved to their perfeft satisfaftion," so that they must still require 

and seelc due satisfa£lion and security ; ending with — "so we rest, sir 

Yours in ways of righteousness." 

I forbear to say how the lion-hearted Peter roared and ramped at find- 
ing himself more and more entangled in the meshes thus artfully drawn 
round him by the knowing Yankees. Impatient, however, of suffering 
so gross an aspersion to rest upon his honest name, he sent a second mes- 
senger to the council, reiterating his denial of the treachery imputed 
to him, and offering to submit his conduft to the scrutiny of a court 
of honor. His offer was readily accepted, and now he looked forward 
with confidence to an august tribunal to be assembled at the Manhattoes^ 
formed of high-minded cavaliers, peradventure governors and comman- 
ders of the confederate plantations, when the matter might be investi- 
gated by his peers in a manner befitting his rank and dignity. 
While he was awaiting the arrival of such high functionaries, behold, 
one sunshiny afternoon there rode into the great gate of the Manhattoes 
two lean, hungry-looking Yankees., mounted on Narraganset pacers, with 
saddle-bags under their bottoms and green satchels under their arms, 
who looked marvellously like two pettifogging attorneys beating the 
hoof from one county court to another in quest of lawsuits ; and, in sooth, 
though they may have passed under different names at the time, I have 
reason to suspeft they were the identical varlets who had negotiated the 
worthy Dutch commissioners out of the ConneBicut'R.'wtr. 
It was a rule with these indefatigable missionaries never to let the grass 
grow under their feet. Scarce had they, therefore, alighted at the inn 
and deposited their saddle-bags, than they made their way to the resi- 
dence of the governor. They found him, according to custom, smoking 
his afternoon pipe on the "stoep," or bench at the porch of his house 

[ i8i ] 



A History '^c. [Bk. v 

and announced themselves, at once, as commissioners sent by the grand 
council of the east to investigate the truth of certain charges advanced 
against him. 

The good Peter took his pipe from his mouth and gazed at them for a 
moment in mute astonishment. By way of expediting business, they were 
proceeding on the spot to put some preliminary questions, — asking him, 
peradventure, whether he pleaded guilty or not guilty, considering him 
something in the light of a culprit at the bar, — when they were brought 
to a pause by seeing him lay down his pipe and begin to fumble with 
his walking-staff. For a moment those present would not have given 
half-a-crown for both the crowns of the commissioners ; but Peter Stuy- 
vesant repressed his mighty wrath and stayed his hand ; he scanned the 
varlets from head to foot, satchels and all, with a look of ineffable scorn, 
then strode into the house, slammed the door after him, and commanded 
that they should never again be admitted to his presence. 
The knowing commissioners winked to each other, and made a certifi- 
cate on the spot that the governor had refused to answer their interroga- 
tories or to submit to their examination. They then proceeded to rum- 
mage about the city for two or three days, in quest of what they called 
evidence, perplexing Indians and old women with their cross-question- 
ing until they had stuffed their satchels and saddle-bags with all kinds 
of apocryphal tales, rumors, and calumnies ; with these they mounted 
their Narraganset pacers and travelled back to the grand council. Nei- 
ther did the proud-hearted Peter trouble himself to hinder their re- 
searches nor impede their departure ; he was too mindful of their sacred 
character as envoys ; but, I warrant me, had they played the same tricks 
with William the Testy ^ he would have had them tucked up by the waist- 
band and treated to an aerial gambol on his patent gallows. 



Ch 

[ 182 ] 



Chapter vii 



HOW **2Drum ecclesiastic'' was beaten throughout 
Connecticut for a Crusade against the New Netherlands, and how 
Peter Stuyvesant took measures to fortify his Capital. 

THE grand council of the east held a solemn meeting on the 
return of their envoys. As no advocate appeared in behalf of 
Peter Stuyvesant, everything went against him. His haughty 
refusal to submit to the questioning of the commissioners 
was construed into a consciousness of guilt. The contents 
of the satchels and saddle-bags were poured forth before the council and 
appeared a mountain of evidence. A pale, bilious orator took the floor 
and declaimed for hours in belligerent terms. He was one of those furi- 
ous zealots who blow the bellows of faftion until the whole furnace of 
politics is red-hot with sparks and cinders. What was it to him if he 
should set the house on fire, so that he might boil his pot by the blaze ! 
He was from the borders of ConneSiicut ; his constituents lived by maraud- 
ing their Dutch neighbors, and were the greatest poachers in Christetidom, 
excepting the Scotch border nobles. His eloquence had its efFea:,and it was 
determined to set on foot an expedition against the Nieuiv Nederlands. 
It was necessary, however, to prepare the public mind for this measure. 
Accordingly, the arguments of the orator were echoed from the pulpit 
for several succeeding Sundays, and a crusade was preached up against 
Feter Stuyvesant and his devoted city. 

This is the first we hear of the "drum ecclesiastic" beating up for re- 
cruits in worldly warfare in our country. It has since been called into fre- 
quent use. A cunning politician often lurks under the clerical robe ; things 
spiritual and things temporal are strangely jumbled together, like drugs 
on an apothecary's shelf; and, instead of a peaceful sermon, the simple 
seeker after righteousness has often a political pamphlet thrust down his 
throat, labelled with a pious text from Scripture. 

And now nothing was talked of but an expedition against the Manhat- 
toes. It pleased the populace, who had a vehement prejudice against the 
Dutch, considering them a vastly inferior race, who had sought the new 
world for the lucre of gain, not the liberty of conscience ; who were mere 
heretics and infidels, inasmuch as they refused to believe in witches and 
sea-serpents and the supernatural virtues of horse-shoes nailed to the 

[ 183 ] 



A History of [Bk.v 

door ; ate pork without molasses ; held pumpkins in contempt, and were 
in perpetual breach ot the eleventh commandment of all true Tcuikces, 
"Thou shalt have codfish dinners on Saturdays." 

No sooner did Peter Stuyvesant get wind of the storm that was brewing 
in the east than he set to work to prepare for it. He was not one of those 
economical rulers who postpone the expense of fortifying until the enemy 
is at the door. There is nothing, he would say, that keeps off enemies and 
crows more than the smell of gunpowder. He proceeded, therefore, with all 
diligence to put the province and its metropolis in a posture of defence. 
Among the remnants which remained from the days of IViUiam the T'esty 
were the militia laws, by which the inhabitants were obliged to turn 
out twice a year, with such military equipments as it pleased God, and 
were put under the command of tailors and man-milliners, who, though 
on ordinary occasions they might have been the meekest, most pippin- 
hearted little men in the world, were very devils at parade, when they 
had cocked hats on their heads and swords by their sides. Under the in- 
structions of these periodical warriors, the peaceful burghers of the Af<3//- 
hattoes were schooled in iron war, and became so hardy in the process of 
time that they could march through sun and rain, from one end of the 
town to the other, without flinching, and so intrepid and adroit that they 
could face to the right, wheel to the left, and fire without winking or 
blinking. 

Peter Stuyvesant^ like all old soldiers who have seen service and smelt 
gunpowder, had no great respedt for militia troops ; however, he deter- 
mined to give them a trial, and, accordingly, called for a general muster, 
inspection, and review. But, O Mars and Be//oiia, what a turning-out was 
here ! Here came old Roelant Cuckaburt, with a short blunderbuss on his 
shoulder and a long horseman's sword trailing by his side ; and Parent 
Dirkson, with something that looked like a copper kettle turned upside 
down on his head and a couple of old horse-pistols in his belt ; and Dirk 
Volkertson,-w\th. a long duck fowling-piece without any ramrod ; and a host 
more, armed higgledy-piggledy, with swords, hatchets, snickersnees, 
crowbars, broomsticks, and what not — the officers distinguished from the 
rest by having their slouched hats cocked up with pins and surmounted 
with cock-tail feathers. 

The sturdy Peter eyed this nondescript host with some such rueful as- 
pe6l as a man would eye the devil, and determined to give his feather- 
bed soldiers a seasoning. He accordingly put them through their manual 
exercise over and over again, trudged them backwards and forwards 
about the streets oi New Amsterdam until their short legs ached and their 
fat sides sweated again, and finally encamped them in the evening on the 

[ 184 j 



ch. vii] New York ^c. 

summit of a hill without the city, to give them a taste of camp-life, in- 
tending the next day to renew the toils and perils of the field. But so it 
came to pass that in the night there fell a great and heavy rain and 
melted away the army, so that in the morning, when Gajfer Phcebus shed 
his first beams upon the camp, scarce a warrior remained except Peter 
Stuyvesant and his trumpeter Van Corlear. 

This awful dissolution of a whole army would have appalled a com- 
mander of less nerve, but it served to confirm Peter s want of confidence 
in the militia system, which he thence forward used to call, in joke, 
(for he sometimes indulged in a joke), William the Testy s broken reed. 
He now took into his service a goodly number of burly, broad-shoul- 
dered, broad-bottomed Dutchmen^ whom he paid in good silver and gold, 
and of whom he boasted that whether they could stand fire or not, they 
were at least waterproof He fortified the city, too, with pickets, or pali- 
sadoes, extending across the island from river to river, and, above all, cast 
up mud batteries, or redoubts, on the point of the island where it divided 
the beautiful bosom of the bay. 

These latter redoubts, in process of time, came to be pleasantly overrun 
by a carpet of grass and clover, and overshaded by wide-spreading elms 
and sycamores, among the branches of which the birds would build their 
nests and rejoice the ear with their melodious notes. Under these trees, 
too, the old burghers would smoke their afternoon pipe, contemplating 
the golden sun as he sank in the west, an emblem of the tranquil end 
toward which they were declining. Here, too, would the young men 
and maidens of the town take their evening stroll, watching the silver 
moonbeams as they trembled along the calm bosom of the bay, or lit up 
the sail of some gliding bark, and, peradventure, interchanging the soft 
vows of honest affection, — for, to evening strolls in this favored spot were 
traced most of the marriages in New Amsterdam. 

Such was the origin of that renowned promenade. The Battery, which, 
though ostensibly devoted to the stern purposes of war, has ever been 
consecrated to the sweet delights of peace, — the scene of many a gambol 
in happy childhood, of many a tender assignation in riper years, of many a 
soothing walk in declining age ; the healthful resort of the feeble invalid, 
the Sunday refreshment of the dusty tradesman, — in fine, the ornament 
and delight o£ New Fork, and the pride of the lovely island oi Manna-hata. 



Ch 

[ 185 ] 



Chapter viii 



HOW the Yankee Crusade agai?ist the New Netherlands 
■was baffled by the sudden Outbreak of Witchcraft among the people of the East. 

I""W' AVING thus provided for the temporary security of New 
I Amsterdam and guarded it against any sudden surprise, the 
I gallant Peter took a hearty pinch of snuff, and, snapping his 
^ lingers, set the great council oi AmphiByons and their cham- 
pion, the redoubtable Aiicxsander Partridg, at defiance. In 
the mean time the moss-troopers of ConneBicut, the warriors of New Ha- 
ven and Hartford, and Pyquag, otherwise called JVeathersJield, famous for 
its onions and its witches, and of all the other border towns, were in a 
prodigious turmoil, furbishing up their rusty weapons, shouting aloud 
for war, and anticipating easy conquests and glorious rummaging of the 
fat little Dutch villages. 

In the midst of these warlike preparations, however, they received the 
chilling news that the colony of Massachusetts refused to back them in 
this righteous war. It seems that the gallant conduct of Peter Stuyvesant^ 
the generous warmth of his vindication, and the chivalrous spirit of his 
defiance, though lost upon the grand council of the league, had carried 
conviction to the general court of Massachusetts, which nobly refused to 
believe him guilty of the villanous plot laid at his door.* 
The defeftion of so important a colony paralyzed the councils of the 
league ; some such dissension arose among its members as prevailed of 
yore in the camp of the brawling warriors of Greece, and in the end the 
crusade against the Manhattoes was abandoned. 

It is said that the moss-troopers of ConneBicut were sorely disappointed. 
But well for them that their belligerent cravings were not gratified ; for, 
by my faith, whatever might have been the ultimate result ot a conflift 
with all the powers of the east, in the interim the stomachful heroes of 
Pyquag would have been choked with their own onions, and all the bor- 
der towns of ConneBicut would have had such a scouring from the lion- 
hearted Peter and his robustious myrmidons that I warrant me they 
would not have had the stomach to squat on the land or invade the hen- 
roost of a Nederlander for a century to come. 



Hazuird^s State Papers. 

[ i86 ] 



ch.viii] New York ?^c. 

But it was not merely the refusal oi Massachusetts to join in their unholy 
crusade that confounded the councils of the league ; for, about this time 
broke out in the New England provinces the awful plague of witchcraft, 
which spread like pestilence through the land. Such a howling abomi- 
nation could not be suffered to remain long unnoticed ; it soon excited 
the fiery indignation of those guardians of the commonwealth who whilom 
had evinced such adfive benevolence in the conversion of Quakers and 
Anabaptists. The grand council of the league publicly set their faces 
against the crime, and bloody laws were enafted against all "solemn 
conversing or comparing with the divil by way of conjuracion or the 
like." * Stri6l search, too, was made after witches, who were easily de- 
tected by devil's pinches, by being able to weep but three tears (and 
those out of the left eye), and by having a most suspicious predilection 
for black cats and broomsticks ! What is particularly worthy of admira- 
tion is, that this terrible art, which has baffled the studies and researches 
of philosophers, astrologers, theurgists, and other sages, was chiefiy con- 
fined to the most ignorant, decrepit, and ugly old women in the com- 
munity, with scarce more brains than the broomsticks they rode upon. 
When once an alarm is sounded, the public, who dearly love to be in a 
panic, are always ready to keep it up. Raise but the cry of yellow fever, 
and immediately every headache, indigestion, and overflowing of the bile 
is pronounced the terrible epidemic ; cry out mad dog, and every unlucky 
cur in the street is in jeopardy : so, in the present instance, whoever was 
troubled with colic or lumbago was sure to be bewitched, — and woe to 
any unlucky old woman living in the neighborhood ! 
It is incredible the number of offences that were detefted, "for every one 
of which," says the reverend Cotton Mather, in that excellent work the 
History of New England, " we have such a sufficient evidence, that no 
reasonable man in this whole country ever did question them ; and it will 
be unreasonable to do it in any other i" -f- 

Indeed, that authentic and judicious historian, John Josselyn, Gent., fur- 
nishes us with unquestionable faCts on this subject. "There are none," 
observes he, " that beg in this country, but there be witches too many, — 
bottle-bellied witches, and others, that produce many strange apparitions, 
if you will believe report, of a shallop at sea manned with women, and 
of a ship and great red horse standing by the mainmast ; the ship, being 
in a small cove to the eastward, vanished of a sudden," etc. 
The number of delinquents, however, and their magical devices were 

* New Plymouth Record. 

"^ Mather's Hist. New Eng. B. 6, ch. 7. 

[ 187] 



A History of [Bk. v 

not more remarkable than their diabolical obstinacy. Though exhorted 
in the most solemn, persuasive, and affeftionate manner to confess them- 
selves guilty, and be burnt for the good of religion and the entertainment 
of the public, yet did they most pertinaciously persist in asserting their 
innocence. Such incredible obstinacy was in itselt deserving of immediate 
punishment, and was sufficient proof, if proof were necessary, that they 
were in league with the devil, who is perverseness itself. But their judges 
were just and merciful, and were determined to punish none that were 
not convicted on the best of testimony ; not that they needed any evi- 
dence to satisfy their own minds (for, like true and experienced judges, 
their minds were perfectly made up, and they were thoroughly satisfied 
of the guilt of the prisoners before they proceeded to try them), but still 
something was necessary to convince the community at large, to quiet 
those prying quidnuncs who should come after them, — in short, the world 
must be satisfied. Oh, the world — the world ! — all the world knows the 
world of trouble the world is eternally occasioning ! The worthy judges, 
therefore, were driven to the necessity of sifting, detefting, and making 
evident as noonday matters which were at the commencement all clearly 
understood and firmly decided upon in their own pericraniums ; so that 
it may truly be said that the witches were burnt to gratify the populace 
of the day, but were tried for the satisfaftion of the whole world that 
should come after them ! 

Finding, therefore, that neither exhortation, sound reason, nor friendly 
entreaty had any avail on these hardened offenders, they resorted to the 
more urgent arguments of torture ; and having thus absolutely wrung the 
truth from their stubborn lips, they condemned them to undergo the roast- 
ing due unto the heinous crimes they had confessed. Some even carried 
their perverseness so far as to expire under the torture, protesting their 
innocence to the last ; but these were looked upon as thoroughly and abso- 
lutely possessed by the devil, and the pious by-standers only lamented 
that they had not lived a little longer, to have perished in the flames. 
In the city of Ephesus, we are told that the plague was expelled by ston- 
ing a ragged old beggar to death, whom Apollonius pointed out as being 
the evil spirit that caused it, and who actually showed himself to be a 
demon by changing into a shagged dog. In like manner, and by measures 
equally sagacious, a salutary check was given to this growing evil. The 
witches were all burnt, banished, or panic-struck, and in a little while 
there was not an ugly old woman to be found throughout New England, — 
which is doubtless one reason why all the young women there are so hand- 
some. Those honest folk who had suffered from their incantations gradu- 
ally recovered, excepting such as had been afflicted with twitches and 

[ i88 ] 




Concerning Witchcraft, 



ch. viii] New York 



c. 



aches, which, however, assumed the less alarming aspects of rheumatisms, 
sciatics, and lumbagos ; and the good people of New England, abandon- 
ing the study of the occult sciences, turned their attention to the more 
profitable hocus-pocus of trade, and soon became expert in the leger- 
demain art of turning a penny. Still, however, a tinge of the old leaven 
is discernible, even unto this day, in their charafters : witches occasion- 
ally start up among them in different disguises, as physicians, civilians, 
and divines. The people at large show a keenness, a cleverness, and a pro- 
fundity of wisdom that savors strongly of witchcraft ; and it has been 
remarlced that whenever any stones fall from the moon, the greater part 
of them is sure to tumble into New England 1 



Ch 

[ 189] 



Chapter ix 



WHICH records the Rise and Renown of a military Com- 
mander, showing that a Man, like a Bladder, may be puffed up to greatness 
by tnere Wind ; together with the Catastrophe of a Veteran and his Queue. 

WHEN treating of these tempestuous times, the unknown 
writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript breaks out into an 
apostrophe in praise of the good St. Nicholas, to whose 
protecting care he ascribes the dissensions which broke 
out in the council of the league and the direful witch- 
craft which filled all Yankee land as with Egyptian darkness. 
A portentous gloom, says he, hung lowering over the fair valleys of the 
Bjast: the pleasant banks of the Conne6iicut no longer echoed to the sounds 
of rustic gayety, grisly phantoms glided about each wild brook and silent 
glen, fearful apparitions were seen in the air, strange voices were heard 
in solitary places, and the border towns were so occupied in detecting and 
punishing losel witches that, for a time, all talk of war was suspended, 
and New Amsterdam and its inhabitants seemed to be totally forgotten. 
I must not conceal the fac5t that at one time there was soriie danger of 
this plague of witchcraft extending into the New Netherlands ; and certain 
witches, mounted on broomsticks, are said to have been seen whisking in 
the air over some of the Dutch villages near the borders ; but the worthy 
Nederlanders took the precaution to nail horse-shoes to their doors, which 
it is well known are effectual barriers against all diabolical vermin of the 
kind. Many of those horse-shoes may be seen at this very day on ancient 
mansions and barns, remaining from the days of the patriarchs : nay, the 
custom is still kept up among some of our legitimate Dutch yeomanry, 
who inherit from their forefathers a desire to keep witches and Yankees 
out of the country. 

And now the great Peter, having no immediate hostility to apprehend 
from the east, turned his face, with characteristic vigilance, to his south- 
ern frontiers. The attentive reader will recolleft that certain freebooting 
Swedes had become very troublesome in this quarter in the latter part ot 
the reign of William the Testy, setting at naught the proclamations of that 
irritable potentate, and putting his admiral, the intrepid fan Jansen 
Alpendam, to a perfeft nonplus. To check the incursions of these Swedes, 
Peter Stuyvesant now ordered a force to that frontier, giving the com- 

[ 190 ] 



Ch. ix] N E W Y O R K ^r. 

mand of it to General Jacobus Van Poffenburgh^ an officer who had risen 
to great importance during the reign of Wilhehnus Kieft. He had, if his- 
tories speak true, been second in command to the doughty Van Cur/et 
when he and his warriors were inhumanly kicked out of Fort Goed Hoop 
by the Yankees. In that memorable affair Van Poffetiburgh is said to have 
received more kicks in a certain honorable part than any of his com- 
rades, in consequence of which, on the resignation of Van Cur let, he had 
been promoted to his place, being considered a hero who had seen ser- 
vice and suffered in his country's cause. 

It is tropically observed by honest old Socrates that heaven infuses into 
some men at their birth a portion of intelleftual gold, into others of in- 
tellectual silver, while others are intelleftually furnished with iron and 
brass. Of the last class was General Van Poffenburgh ; and it would seem 
as if Dame Mz///rf , who will sometimes be partial, had given him brass 
enough for a dozen ordinary braziers. All this he had contrived to pass off 
upon William the Testy for genuine gold ; and the httle governor would 
sit for hours and listen to his gunpowder stories of exploits, which left 
those of Tirante the White, Don Belianis of Greece, or St. George and the 
Dragon quite in the background. Having been promoted by William 
Kieft to the command of his whole disposable forces, he gave importance 
to his station by the grandiloquence of his bulletins, always styling him- 
self Commander-in-chief of the Armies of the New Netherlands, though, 
in sober truth, these armies were nothing more than a handful of hen- 
stealing, bottle-bruising ragamuffins. 

In person he was not very tall, but exceedingly round ; neither did his 
bulk proceed from his being fit, but windy, being blown up by a pro- 
digious conviction of his own importance, until he resembled one of those 
bags of wind given by Molus, in an incredible fit of generosity, to that 
vagabond warrior Ulysses. His windy endowments had long excited the 
admiration oi Anthony Van Corlear, who is said to have hinted more than 
once to William the Testy that in making Van Poffenburgh a general he 
had spoiled an admirable trumpeter. 

As it is the practice in ancient story to give the reader a description of 
the arms and equipments of every noted warrior, I will bestow a word 
upon the dress of this redoubtable commander. It comported with his 
charafter, being so crossed and slashed, and embroidered with lace and 
tinsel, that he seemed to have as much brass without as nature had stored 
away within. He was swathed, too, in a crimson sash of the size and tex- 
ture of a fishing-net, — doubtless to keep his swelling heart from bursting 
through his ribs. His face glowed with furnace-heat from between a huge 
pair ot well-powdered whiskers, and his valorous soul seemed ready 'to 

[ 191 ] 



A History of [Bk. v 

bounce out of a pair of large, glassy, blinking eyes, projefting like those 
of a lobster. 

I swear to thee, worthy reader, if history and tradition belie not this 
warrior, I would give all the money in my pocket to have seen him ac- 
coutred cap-a-pie^ — booted to the middle, sashed to the chin, collared to 
the ears, whiskered to the teeth, crowned with an overshadowing cocked 
hat, and girded with a leathern belt ten inches broad, from which trailed a 
falchion of a length that I dare not mention. Thus equipped, he strutted 
about, as bitter-looking a man of war as the far-famed More, of More- 
hall, when he sallied forth to slay the dragon of Wantley. For, what says 
the ballad ? 

Had you but seen him in this dress. 

How fierce he looked and how big. 
You would have thought him for to be 

Some Egyptian porcupig. 
He frighted all — cats, dogs, and all. 

Each cow, each horse, and each hog ; 
For fear they did fee, for they took him to be 
Some strange outlandish hedge-hog.^ 

I must confess, this general, with all his outward valor and ventosity, 
was not exactly an officer to Peter Stuyvesanfs taste, but he stood fore- 
most in the army list of William the T'esty ; and it is probable the good 
Peter, who was conscientious in his dealings with all men and had his 
military notions of precedence, thought it but fair to give him a chance 
of proving his right to his dignities. 

To this copper captain, therefore, was confided the command of the 
troops destined to protect the southern frontier ; and scarce had he de- 
parted for his station than bulletins began to arrive from him describing 
his undaunted march through savage deserts, over insurmountable moun- 
tains, across impassable rivers, and through impenetrable forests, con- 
quering vast tracts of uninhabited country, and encountering more perils 
than did Xenophon in his far-famed retreat with his ten thousand Gre- 
cians. 

Peter Stuyvesant read all these grandiloquent dispatches with a dubious 
screwing of the mouth and shaking of the head ; but Anthony Van Cor- 
lear repeated these contents in the streets and market-places with an ap- 
propriate flourish upon his trumpet, and the windy viftories of the gen- 
eral resounded through the streets of New Amsterdam. 
On arriving at the southern frontier. Van Poffenhurgh proceeded to ereft 

* Ballad of Dragon of Wantley. 

[ 192 ] 



Ch. ix] N E W Y O R K 



C. 



a fortress, or stronghold, on the South or Delaware River. At first he 
bethought him to call it Fort Stuyvesant, in honor of the governor, — a 
lowly kind of homage prevalent in our country among speculators, mili- 
tary commanders, and office-seekers of all kinds, by which our maps 
come to be studded with the names of political patrons and temporary 
great men ; in the present instance. Van Poffenburgh carried his homage 
to the most lowly degree, giving his fortress the name of Fort Casimir, 
in honor, it is said, of a favorite pair of brimstone trunk-breeches of his 
Excellency. 

As this fort will be found to give rise to important events, it may be 
worth while to notice that it was afterwards called Nieuw Atnstel, and 
was the germ of the present flourishing town oi New Castle, or, more 
properly speaking. No Castle, there being nothing of the kind on the 
premises. 

His fortress being finished, it would have done any man's heart good to 
behold the swelling dignity with which the general would stride in and 
out a dozen times a day, surveying it in front and in rear, on this side 
and on that ; how he would strut backwards and forwards, in full regi- 
mentals, on the top of the ramparts, — like a vainglorious cock-pigeon 
swelling and vaporing on the top of a dove-cot. 

There is a kind of valorous spleen which, like wind, is apt to grow un- 
ruly in the stomachs of newly made soldiers, compelling them to box- 
lobby brawls and broken-headed quarrels, unless there can be found some 
more harmless way to give it vent. It is recorded in the deledable ro- 
mance of Pierce Forest, that a young knight, being dubbed by King 
Alexander, did incontinently gallop into an adjacent forest and belabor 
the trees with such might and main that he not merely eased off the 
sudden effervescence of his valor, but convinced the whole court that he 
was the most potent and courageous cavalier on the face of the earth. 
In like manner the commander of Fort Casimir, when he found his mar- 
tial spirit waxing too hot within him, would sally forth into the fields 
and lay about him most lustily with his sabre, — decapitating cabbages 
by platoons, hewing down lofty sunflowers, which he termed gigantic 
Swedes; and if, perchance, he espied a colony of big-bellied pumpkins 
quietly basking in the sun, — "Ah, caitiff Yankees T would he roar, 
"have I caught ye at last?" — So saying, with one sweep of his sword 
he would cleave the unhappy vegetables from their chins to their waist- 
bands ; by which warlike havoc his choler being in some sort allayed, he 
would return into the fortress with the full conviftion that he was a very 
miracle of military prowess. 
He was a disciplinarian, too, of the first order. Woe to any unlucky sol- 

[ 193 ] 



A History of [Bk. v 

dier who did not hold up his head and turn out his toes when on pa- 
rade, or who did not salute the general in proper style as he passed. 
Having one day, in his Bible researches, encountered the history of Ab- 
salom and his melancholy end, the general bethought him that, in a 
country abounding with forests, his soldiers were in constant risk of a 
like catastrophe ; he therefore, in an evil hour, issued orders for cropping 
the hair of both officers and men throughout the garrison. 
Now, it so happened, that among his officers was a sturdy veteran named 
KeUermeester, who had cherished, through a long life, a mop of hair 
not a little resembling the shag of a Newfoundland dog, terminating in 
a queue like the handle of a frying-pan, and queued so tightly to his head 
that his eyes and mouth generally stood ajar and his eyebrows were 
drawn up to the top of his forehead. It may naturally be supposed that 
the possessor of so goodly an appendage would resist with abhorrence an 
order condemning it to the shears. On hearing the general orders, he 
discharged a tempest of veteran, soldier-like oaths and dunder and blix- 
ums, swore he would break any man's head who attempted to meddle 
with his tail, queued it stiffer than ever, and whisked it about the gar- 
rison as fiercely as the tail of a crocodile. 

The eel-skin queue of old Keldermeester became instantly an affair of the 
utmost importance. The Commander-in-chief was too enlightened an of- 
ficer not to perceive that the discipline of the garrison, the subordination 
and good order of the armies of the Nieuw Nederlands, the consequent 
safety of the whole province, and ultimately the dignity and prosperity of 
their High Mightinesses, the Lords States General, imperiously demanded 
the docking of that stubborn queue. He decreed, therefore, that old 
Keldermeester should be publicly shorn of his glories in presence of the 
whole garrison ; the old man as resolutely stood on the defensive ; where- 
upon he was arrested, and tried by a court-martial for mutiny, desertion, 
and all the other list of offences noticed in the articles of war, ending 
with a "videlicet, in wearing an eel-skin queue, three feet long, contrary 
to orders." Then came on arraignments, and trials, and pleadings ; and 
the whole garrison was in a ferment about this unfortunate queue. As it 
is well known that the commander of a frontier post has the power of 
afting pretty much after his own will, there is little doubt but that the 
veteran would have been hanged or shot at least, had he not luckily fallen 
ill of a fever, through mere chagrin and mortification, and deserted from 
all earthly command with his beloved locks unviolated. His obstinacy 
remained unshaken to the very last moment, when he direded that he 
should be carried to his grave with his eel-skin queue sticking out of a 
hole in his coffin. 

[ 194 ] 



Ch. ix] 



New York 



c. 



This magnanimous affair obtained the general great credit as a discipli- 
narian ; but it is hinted that he was ever afterwards subject to bad dreams 
and fearful visitations in the night, when the grizzly spedrum of old 
Keldermeester would stand sentinel by his bedside, ered as a pump, his 
enormous queue strutting out like the handle. 




[ 195 ] 



BOOK VI 

Containing 
The Second Part of the Reign of 

0eter i\yt i^eaDstrong 

And his Gallant Achievements on the 

Delaware 



BOOK VI 



Ch 



a D t e r 



IN which is exhibited a warlike Portrait of the Great Vetek, 
of the windy Contest o/' General van Poffenburgh and General Printz, 
and of the Musquito War on the Delaware. 

IS ITHERTO, most venerable and courteous reader, have I 
I shown thee the administration of the valorous Stuyvesant 
I under the mild moonshine of peace, or rather the grim tran- 
^ quillity of awful expectation ; but now the war-drum rum- 
bles from afar, the brazen trumpet brays its thrilling note, 
and the rude crash of hostile arms speaks fearful prophecies of coming 
troubles. The gallant warrior starts from soft repose, from golden visions 
and voluptuous ease, where in the dulcet, "piping time of peace" he 
sought sweet solace after all his toils. No more, in beauty's siren lap re- 
clined, he weaves fair garlands for his lady's brows ; no more entwines 
with flowers his shining sword, nor through the livelong lazy summer's 
day chants forth his lovesick soul in madrigals. To manhood roused, he 
spurns the amorous flute, doffs from his brawny back the robe of peace, 
and clothes his pampered limbs in panoply of steel. O'er his dark brow, 
where late the myrtle waved, where wanton roses breathed enervate love, 
he rears the beaming casque and nodding plume ; grasps the bright shield 
and shakes the ponderous lance, or mounts with eager pride his fiery 
steed and burns for deeds of glorious chivalry ! 

But soft, worthy reader ! I would not have you imagine that any preux 
chevalier, thus hideously begirt with iron, existed in the city of New Am- 
sterdam. This is but a lofty and gigantic mode, in which we heroic writers 
always talk of war, thereby to give it a noble and imposing aspeft, equip- 
ping our warriors with bucklers, helms, and lances, and such like outland- 
ish and obsolete weapons, the like of which perchance they had never seen 
or heard of — in the same manner that a cunning statuary arrays a modern 
general or an admiral in the accoutrements of a Ccesar or an Alexander. 
The simple truth, then, of all this oratorical flourish is this, that the valiant 

[ 199 ] 



A History of [Bk. 



VI 



Peter Stuyvesant all of a sudden found it necessary to scour his rusty blade, 
which too long had rusted in its scabbard, and prepare himself to undergo 
those hardy toils of war in which his mighty soul so much delighted. 
Methinks I at this moment behold him in my imagination, or rather, I 
behold his goodly portrait, which still hangs up in the family mansion 
of the Stuyvesants, arrayed in all the terrors of a true Dutch general. His 
regimental coat oi German blue, gorgeously decorated with a goodly show 
of large brass buttons, reaching from his waistband to his chin ; the volu- 
minous skirts turned up at the corners and separating gallantly behind, 
so as to display the seat of a sumptuous pair of brimstone-colored trunk- 
breeches, — a graceful style still prevalent among the warriors of our day, 
and which is in conformity to the custom of ancient heroes, who scorned 
to defend themselves in rear. His face rendered exceeding terrible and 
warlike by a pair of black mustachios ; his hair strutting out on each side 
in stiffly pomatumed ear-locks, and descending in a rat-tail queue below 
his waist ; a shining stock of black leather supporting his chin, and a little 
but fierce cocked hat, stuck with a gallant and fiery air over his left eye. 
Such was the chivalric port of Peter the Headstrong ; and when he made 
a sudden halt, planted himself firmly on his solid supporter, with his 
wooden leg, inlaid with silver, a little in advance, in order to strengthen 
his position, his right hand grasping a gold-headed cane, his left resting 
upon the pummel of his sword, his head dressing spiritedly to the right, 
with a most appalling and hard-favored frown upon his brow, — he pre- 
sented altogether one of the most commanding, bitter-looking, and soldier- 
like figures that ever strutted upon canvas. Proceed we now to inquire 
the cause of this warlike preparation. 

In the preceding chapter we have spoken of the founding of Fort Casimir 
and of the merciless warfare waged by its commander upon cabbages, 
sunflowers, and pumpkins, for want of better occasion to flesh his sword. 
Now, it came to pass that, higher up the Delaware, at his stronghold of 
Tinnekonk, resided one Jan Printz, who styled himself Governor of New 
Sweden. If history belie not this redoubtable Swede, he was a rival worthy 
of the windy and inflated commander of Fort Casimir ; for. Master David 
Pieterzen de Vries, in his excellent book of voyages, describes him as 
"weighing upwards of four hundred pounds," a huge feeder and bowser 
in proportion, taking three potations pottle-deep at every meal. He had 
a garrison after his own heart at Tinnekonk, — guzzling, deep-drinking 
swashbucklers, who made the wild woods ring with their carousals. 
No sooner did this robustious commander hear of the ereftion of Fort 
Casimir than he sent a message to Van Poffenburgh, warning him off the 
land, as being within the bounds of his jurisdiction. 

[ 200 ] 



Ch.i] New York 



c. 



To this General Van Pojfenburgh replied that the land belonged to their 
High Mightinesses, having being regularly purchased of the natives, as 
discoverers from the Manhattoes, as w^itness the breeches of their land- 
measurer, Ten Broeck. 

To this the governor rejoined that the land had previously been sold by 
the Indians to the Swedes, and consequently was under the petticoat gov- 
ernment of her Swedish majesty, Christina ; and woe be to any mortal that 
wore breeches who should dare to meddle even with the hem of her 
sacred garment. 

I forbear to dilate upon the war of words which was kept up for some 
time by these windy commanders ; Van Poffenburgh, however, had served 
under William the Testy, and was a veteran in this kind of warfare. Gov- 
ernor Printz, finding he was not to be dislodged by these long shots, now 
determined upon coming to closer quarters. Accordingly, he descended the 
river in great force and fume, and erefted a rival fortress just one Swed- 
ish mile below Fort Casimir, to which he gave the name of Helsenhiirg. 
And now commenced a tremendous rivalry between these two doughty 
commanders, striving to out-strut and out-swell each other, like a couple 
of belligerent turkey-cocks. There was a contest who should run up the 
tallest flagstaif and display the broadest flag ; all day long there was a 
furious rolling of drums and twanging of trumpets in either fortress, and 
whichever had the wind in its favor would keep up a continual firing of 
cannon, to taunt its antagonist with the smell of gunpowder. 
On all these points of windy warfare the antagonists were well matched ; 
but so it happened, that l\\& Swedish fortress being lower down the river, all 
the Dutch vessels bound to Fort Casimir with supplies had to pass it. Gov- 
ernor Printz at once took advantage of this circumstance, and compelled 
them to lower their flags as they passed under the guns of his battery. 
This was a deadly wound to the Dutch pride of General Van Pojfenburgh, 
and sorely would he swell when from the ramparts of Fort Casimir he 
beheld the flag of their High Mightinesses struck to the rival fortress. 
To heighten his vexation. Governor Printz, who, as has been shown, was 
a huge trencherman, took the liberty of having the first rummage of 
every Dutch merchant-ship, and securing to himself and his guzzling gar- 
rison all the little round Dutch cheeses, all the Dutch herrings, the ginger- 
bread, the sweetmeats, the curious stone jugs of gin, and all the other 
Dutch luxuries on their way for the solace of Fort Casimir. It is possible 
he may have paid to the Dutch skippers the full value of their commodi- ' 
ties ; but what consolation was this to 'Jacobus Van Poffenburgh and his 
garrison, who thus found their favorite supplies cut off and diverted into 
the larders of the hostile camp 1 For some time this war of the cupboard 

[ 201 ] 



A History k^c. [Bk.vi 

was carried on, to the great festivity and jollification of the Su-edes, while 
the warriors of Fort Casimir found their hearts, or rather their stomachs, 
daily failing them. At length the summer heats and summer showers set 
in, and now, lo and behold, a great miracle was wrought for the relief of 
the Nedcr/amh, not a little resembling one of the plagues o^ Egypt ; for, it 
came to pass that a great cloud of musquitoes arose out of the marshy 
borders of the river and settled upon the fortress of Helsenburg, being, 
doubtless, attracted by the scent of the fresh blood of these Sicedish gor- 
mandizers. Nay, it is said that the body of Jan Priritz alone, which was 
as big and as full of blood as that of a prize-ox, was sufficient to attradl 
the musquitoes from every part of the country. For some time the garri- 
son endeavored to hold out, but it was all in vain ; the musquitoes pene- 
trated into every chink and crevice, and gave them no rest day nor night ; 
and as to Governor Jan Printz, he moved about as in a cloud, with mus- 
quito music in his ears and musquito stings to the very end of his nose. 
Finally the garrison was fairly driven out of the fortress and obliged to 
retreat to Tinnekonk; nay, it is said that the musquitoes followed Jan 
Printz even thither, and absolutely drove him out of the country ; certain 
it is, he embarked for Sweden shortly afterwards, and Jan Claudius Risingh 
was sent to govern New Sweden in his stead. 

Such was the famous musquito war on the Delaware, of which General 
Van Poffenburgh would fain have been the hero ; but the devout people 
of the Nieuw Neder lands always ascribed the discomfiture of the Swedes to 
the miraculous intervention o1 St. Nicholas. As to the fortress oi He I sen- 
burg, it fell to ruin ; but the story of its strange destruftion was perpetu- 
ated by the Swedish name oi Myggen-borg, that is to say, Musquito Castle.* 

* Jirelius's History N. Sweden. For some notice of this miraculous discomfiture of the Swedes, see 
N. Y. His. Col., new series, Vol. I. p. 412. 



Ch 

[ 202 ] 



Chapter i i 



OF Jan Risingh, his Giant ly Person and Crafty Deeds ^ and 
of the Catastrophe at Fort Casimir. 

JAN CLAUDIUS RISINGH, who succeeded to the command of 
New Sweden^ looms largely in ancient records as a gigantic Swede, 
who, had he not been rather knock-kneed and splay-footed, might 
have served tor the model ot a Samson or a Hercules. He was no 
less rapacious than mighty, and, withal, as crafty as he was rapa- 
cious ; so that there is very little doubt that, had he lived some four or 
five centuries since, he would have figured as one of those wicked giants 
who took a cruel pleasure in pocketing beautiful princesses and distressed 
damsels, when gadding about the world, and locking them up in en- 
chanted castles, without a toilet, a change of linen, or any other con- 
venience, — in consequence of which enormities they fell under the high 
displeasure oi chivalry, and all true, loyal, and gallant knights were in- 
structed to attack and slay outright any miscreant they might happen 
to find above six feet high, which is doubtless one reason why the race 
of large men is nearly extinct and the generations of latter ages are so 
exceedingly small. 

Governor Risingh, notwithstanding his giantly condition, was, as I have 
hinted, a man of craft. He was not a man to rufile the vanity of Gen- 
eral Van Poffenburgh, or to rub his self-conceit against the grain. On the 
contrary, as he sailed up the Delaware, he paused before Fort Casimir, 
displayed his flag, and fired a royal salute before dropping anchor. The 
salute would doubtless have been returned had not the guns been dis- 
mounted ; as it was, a veteran sentinel, who had been napping at his post 
and had suffered his match to go out, returned the compliment by dis- 
charging his musket with the spark of a pipe borrowed from a comrade. 
Governor Risingh accepted this as a courteous reply, and treated the tor- 
tress to a second salute, well knowing its commander was apt to be mar- 
vellously delighted with these little ceremonials, considering them so 
many at'ts of homage paid to his greatness. He then prepared to land 
with a military retinue of thirty men, a prodigious pageant in the wil- 
derness. 

And now took place a terrible rummage and racket in Fort Casimir, to 
receive such a visitor in proper style and to make an imposing appear- 

[ 203 ] 



A History of [Bk.vi 

ance. The main guard was turned out as soon as possible, equipped to 
the best advantage in the few suits of regimentals which had to do duty 
by turns with the whole garrison. One tall, lank fellow appeared in a 
little man's coat, with the buttons between his shoulders, the skirts scarce 
covering his bottom, his hands hanging like spades out of the sleeves, and 
the coat linked in front by worsted loops made out of a pair of red gar- 
ters. Another had a cocked hat stuck on the back of his head, and dec- 
orated with a bunch of cocks' tails ; a third had a pair of rusty gaiters 
hanging about his heels ; while a fourth, a little duck-legged fellow, was 
equipped in a pair of the general's cast-off breeches, which he held up 
with one hand while he grasped his firelock with the other. The rest 
were accoutred in similar style, excepting three ragamuffins without shirts 
and with but a pair and a half of breeches between them ; whereupon they 
were sent to the black hole, to keep them out of sight, that they might 
not disgrace the fortress. 

His men being thus gallantly arrayed, — those who lacked muskets shoul- 
dering spades and pickaxes, and every man being ordered to tuck in his 
shirt-tail and pull up his brogues, — General Van Poffcnburgh first took 
a sturdy draught of foaming ale, which, like the magnanimous More of 
More-hall,^ was his invariable practice on all great occasions ; this done, 
he put himself at their head and issued forth from his castle, like a mighty 
giant just refreshed with wine. But when the two heroes met, then be- 
gan a scene of warlike parade that beggars all description. The shrewd 
Risingh, who had grown gray much before his time in consequence of 
his craftiness, saw at one glance the ruling passion of the great Van Pof- 
fenburgh, and humored him in all his valorous fantasies. 
Their detachments were accordingly drawn up in front of each other ; 
they carried arms and they presented arms ; they gave the standing sa- 
lute and the passing salute ; they rolled their drums, they flourished their 
fifes, and they waved their colors ; they faced to the left, and they faced 
to the right, and they faced to the right-about ; they wheeled forward, and 
they wheeled backward, and they wheeled mto echelon; they marched and 
they countermarched by grand divisions, by single divisions, and by sub- 
divisions ; by platoons, by seftions, and by files ; in quick time, in slow time, 
and in no time at all ; for, having gone through all the evolutions ot two 
great armies, including the eighteen mananivres of Dum/as ; having ex- 

• .... as soon as he rose, 

To make him strong and mighty, 
He drank by the tale, six pots of ale, 
And a quart of aqua vhx. 



[ 204 ] 



Dragon of Wantkj. 



Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K 



C. 



hausted all they could recoiled or imagine of military tactics, including 
sundry strange and irregular evolutions, the like of which were never seen 

before nor since, excepting among certain of our newly raised militia, 

the two great commanders and their respective troops came at length to 
a dead halt, completely exhausted by the toils of war. Never did two val- 
ianttrain-bandcaptains, or two buskined theatric heroes, in the renowned 
tragedies oi Pi-zarro, Tom Thumb, or any other heroical and fighting trage- 
dy, marshal their gallows-looking, duck-legged, heavy-heeled myrmi- 
dons with more glory and self-admiration. 

These military compliments being finished, General Van Poffenhurgh 
escorted his illustrious visitor, with great ceremony, into the fort ; at- 
tended him throughout the fortifications ; showed him the horn-works, 
crown-works, half-moons, and various other outworks, or rather the 
places where they ought to be erecfted, and where they might be erecfted 
if he pleased ; plainly demonstrating that it was a place of "great capa- 
bility," and though at present but a little redoubt, yet that it was evi- 
dently a formidable fortress in embryo. This survey over, he next had the 
whole garrison put under arms, exercised, and reviewed, and concluded 
by ordering the three bridewell birds to be hauled out of the black hole, 
brought up to the halberds, and soundly flogged for the amusement of his 
visitor and to convince him that he was a great disciplinarian. 
The cunning Risingh, while he pretended to be struck dumb outright 
with the puissance of the great Van Poffenburgh, took silent note of the 
incompetency of his garrison, of which he gave a hint to his trusty 
followers, who tipped each other the wink and laughed most obstrep- 
erously — in their sleeves. 

The inspection, review, and flogging being concluded, the party ad- 
journed to the table ; for, among his other great qualities, the general was 
remarkably addicted to huge carousals, and in one afternoon's campaign 
would leave more dead men on the field than he ever did in the whole 
course of his military career. Many bulletins of these bloodless victories 
do still remain on record ; and the whole province was once thrown in 
amaze by the return of one of his campaigns, wherein it was stated that, 
though, like Captain Bobadil, he had only twenty men to back him, yet 
in the short space of six months he had conquered and utterly annihilated 
sixty oxen, ninety hogs, one hundred sheep, ten thousand cabbages, one 
thousand bushels of potatoes, one hundred and fifty kilderkins of small 
beer, two thousand seven hundred and thirty-five pipes, seventy-eight 
pounds of sugar-plums, and forty bars of iron, besides sundry small meats, 
game, poultry, and garden-stulF — an achievement unparalleled since the 
days of Pantagriiel and his all-devouring army, and which showed that 

[ 205 ] 



A History of [Bk. 



V I 



it was only necessary to let Van Poffenburgh and his garrison loose in an 
enemy's country, and in a little while they would breed a famine and 
starve all the inhabitants. 

No sooner, therefore, had the general received intimation of the visit of 
Governor Risingh than he ordered a great dinner to be prepared, and 
privately sent out a detachment of his most experienced veterans to rob 
all the hen-roosts in the neighborhood and lay the pigsties under con- 
tribution — a service which they discharged with such zeal and prompti- 
tude that the garrison-table groaned under the weight of their spoils. 
I wish, with all my heart, my readers could see the valiant Van Poffen- 
burgh as he presided at the head of the banquet ; it was a sight worth 
beholding : there he sat, in his greatest glory, surrounded by his sol- 
diers, like that famous wine-bibber, Alexander, whose thirsty virtues he 
did most ably imitate, telling astonishing stories of his hair-breadth 
adventures and heroic exploits ; at which, though all his auditors knew 
them to be incontinent lies and outrageous gasconadoes, yet did they cast 
up their eyes in admiration and utter many interjections of astonishment. 
Nor could the general pronounce anything that bore the remotest re- 
semblance to a joke, but the stout Risingh would strike his brawny fist 
upon the table till every glass rattled again, throw himself back in the 
chair, utter gigantic peals of laughter, and swear most horribly it was 
the best joke he ever heard in his life. Thus, all was rout and revelry and 
hideous carousal within Fort Casimir ; and so lustily did Van Poffenburgh 
ply the bottle that in less than four short hours he made himself and his 
whole garrison, who all sedulously emulated the deeds of their chieftain, 
dead drunk, with singing songs, quaffing bumpers, and drinking patriotic 
toasts, none of which but was as long as a Welsh pedigree or a plea in 
chancery. 

No sooner did things come to this pass than Risingh and his Swedes, who 
had cunningly kept themselves sober, rose on their entertainers, tied them 
neck and heels, and took formal possession of the fort and all its depen- 
dencies in the name of Queen Christina of Sweden, administering at the 
same time an oath of allegiance to all the Dutch soldiers who could be 
made sober enough to swallow it. Risingh then put the fortification in 
order, appointed his discreet and vigilant friend, Suen Sch'ute, otherwise 
called Skytte, a tall, wind-dried, water-drinking Swede, to the command, 
and departed, bearing with him this truly amiable garrison and its puissant 
commander, who, when brought to himself by a sound drubbing, bore no 
little resemblance to a "deboshed fish," or bloated sea-monster caught 
upon dry land. 

The transportation of the garrison was done to prevent the transmission 

[ 206 ] 



Ch. II] N E W Y O R K ^C. 



of intelligence to New Amsterdam ; for, much as the cunning Risingh ex- 
ulted in his stratagem, yet did he dread the vengeance of the sturdy Peter 
Stuyvesant, whose name spread as much terror in the neighborhood as did 
whilom that of the unconquerable Scanderbeg among his scurvy enemies 
the 'Turks. 



Ch 

[ 207 ] 



Chapter i i i 



SHOWING how Profound Secrets are often brought to 
Light; with the Proceedings o/" Peter the Headstrong when he heard of 
the Misfortunes of General van Poffenburgh. 

WHOEVER first described common fame, or rumor, as be- 
longing to the sager sex, was a very owl for shrewdness. 
She has, in truth, certain feminine qualities to an astonish- 
ing degree, particularly that benevolent anxiety to take 
care of the affairs of others, which keeps her continually 
hunting after secrets and gadding about proclaiming them. Whatever is 
done openly and in the face of the world, she takes but transient notice 
of; but whenever a transaftion is done in a corner, and attempted to be 
shrouded in mystery, then her goddess-ship is at her wit's end to find it 
out, and takes a most mischievous and lady-like pleasure in publishing 
it to the world. 

It is this truly feminine propensity which induces her continually to be 
prying into the cabinets of princes, listening at the key-holes of senate- 
chambers, and peering through chinks and crannies, when our worthy 
Congress are sitting with closed doors, deliberating between a dozen ex- 
cellent modes of ruining the nation. It is this which makes her so bane- 
ful to all wary statesmen and intriguing commanders, such a stumbling- 
block to private negotiations and secret expeditions, betraying them by 
means and instruments which never would have been thought ot by any 
but a female head. 

Thus it was in the case of the affair of Fort Casimir. No doubt the cun- 
ning Risingh imagined that by securing the garrison he should for a 
long time prevent the history of its fate from reaching the ears of the 
gallant Stuyvesant ; but his exploit was blown to the world when he least 
expefted, and by one of the last beings he would ever have suspefted of 
enlisting as trumpeter to the wide-mouthed deity. 

This was one Dirk Schuiler (or Skulker), a kind of hanger-on to the garri- 
son, who seemed to belong to nobody, and, in a manner, to be self-out- 
lawed. He was one of those vagabond cosmopolites who shark about the 
world as if they had no right or business in it, and who infest the skirts 
of society like poachers and interlopers. Every garrison and country vil- 
lage has at least one or more scape-goats cf this kind, whose life is a kind 

[ 208 ] 



ch. Ill] New York ^r. 



of enigma, whose existence is without motive, who comes from the Lord 
knows where, who lives the Lord knows how, and who seems created 
for no other earthly purpose but to keep up the ancient and honorable 
order ot idleness. This vagrant philosopher was supposed to have some 
Indian blood in his veins, which was manifested by a certain Indian com- 
plexion and cast of countenance, but more especially by his propensities 
and habits. He was a tall, lank fellow, swift of foot, and long-winded. He 
was generally equipped in a half Indian dress, with belt, leggings, and 
moccasons. His hair hung in straight gallows-locks about his ears and 
added not a little to his sharking demeanor. It is an old remark that per- 
sons of Indian mixture are half civilized, half savage, and half devil, a 

third half being provided for their particular convenience. It is for similar 
reasons, and probably with equal truth, that the backwoodsmen of Ken- 
tucky are styled half man, half horse, and half alligator by the settlers on 
the Mississippi, and held accordingly in great respect and abhorrence. 
The above charafter may have presented itself to the garrison as applica- 
ble to Dirk Schuiler, whom they familiarly dubbed Ga//ows Dirk. Certain 
it is, he acknowledged allegiance to no one, was an utter enemy to work, 
holding it in no manner of estimation, but lounged about the fort, de- 
pending upon chance for a subsistence, getting drunk whenever he could 
get liquor, and stealing whatever he could lay his hands on. Every day 
or two he was sure to get a sound ribroasting for some of his misdemean- 
ors, which, however, as it broke no bones, he made very light of, and 
scrupled not to repeat the offence whenever another opportunity pre- 
sented. Sometimes, in consequence of some flagrant villany, he would 
abscond from the garrison and be absent for a month at a time, skulk- 
ing about the woods and swamps with a long fowling-piece on his shoul- 
der, lying in ambush for game, or squatting himself down on the edge 
of a pond, catching fish for hours together, and bearing no little resem- 
blance to that notable bird of the crane family ycleped the Miuipoke. 
When he thought his crimes had been forgotten or forgiven, he would 
sneak back to the fort with a bundle of skins or a load of poultry, which, 
perchance, he had stolen, and would exchange them for liquor, with 
which having well soaked his carcass, he would lie in the sun and enjoy 
all the luxurious indolence of that swinish philosopher Diogenes. He was 
the terror of all the farm-yards in the country, into which he made fear- 
ful inroads ; and sometimes he would make his sudden appearance in the 
garrison at daybreak with the whole neighborhood at his heels, — like 
the scoundrel thief of a fox, detefted in his maraudings and hunted to 
his hole. Such was this Dirk Schi/iier; and from the total indifference he 
showed to the world and its concerns, and from his truly Indian stoicism 

[ 209 ] 



A History of [Bk. vi 

and taciturnity, no one would ever have dreamt that he would have been 
the publisher of the treachery of Risingh. 

When the carousal was going on which proved so fatal to the brave 
Poffenburgh and his watchful garrison, Dirk skulked about from room to 
room, being a kind of privileged vagrant, or useless hound, whom no- 
body noticed. But though a fellow of few words, yet, like your taciturn 
people, his eyes and ears were always open, and in the course of his 
prowlings he overheard the whole plot of the Swedes. Dirk immediately 
settled in his own mind how he should turn the matter to his own ad- 
vantage. He played the perfect jack-of-both-sides — that is tosay,hemade 
a prize of everything that came in his reach, robbed both parties, stuck 
the copper-bound cocked hat of the puissant Van Poffenburgh on his head, 
whipped a huge pair of Risingfi s )-i.c\i-hoot% under his arms, and took to 
his heels just before the catastrophe and confusion at the garrison. 
Finding himself completely dislodged from his haunt in this quarter, he 
direfted his flight towards his native place. New Amsterdam, whence he had 
formerly been obliged to abscond precipitately, in consequence of mis- 
fortune in business — that is to say, having been detefted in the aft of 
sheep-stealing. After wandering many days in the woods, toiling through 
swamps, fording brooks, swimming various rivers, and encountering a 
world of hardships that would have killed any other being but an In- 
dian, a backwoodsman, or the devil, he at length arrived, half famished 
and lank as a starved weasel, at Communipaw, where he stole a canoe and 
paddled over to New Amsterdam. Immediately on landing, he repaired to 
Governor Stuyvesant, and, in more words than he had ever spoken before 
in the whole course of his life, gave an account of the disastrous affair. 
On receiving these direful tidings, the valiant Peter started from his seat, 
dashed the pipe he was smoking against the back of the chimney, thrust 
a prodigious quid of tobacco into his left cheek, pulled up his galligas- 
kins, and strode up and down the room, humming, as was customary 
with him when in a passion, a hideous north-west ditty. But, as I have 
before shown, he was not a man to vent his spleen in idle vaporing. His 
first measure, after the paroxysm of wrath had subsided, was to stump 
upstairs to a huge wooden chest, which served as his armory, from whence 
he drew forth that identical suit of regimentals described in the preceding 
chapter. In these portentous habiliments he arrayed himself like Achilles 
in the armor of Vulcan, maintaining all the while an appalling silence, 
knitting his brows, and drawing his breath through his clenched teeth. 
Being hastily equipped, he strode down into the parlor and jerked down 
his trusty sword from overthe fireplace, where itwas usually suspended, — 
but before he girded it on his thigh he drew it from its scabbard, and as 

[ 2IO ] 



Ch. hi] New York ^c. 

his eye coursed along the rusty blade a grim smile stole over his iron 
visage ; it was the first smile that had visited his countenance for five 
long vv^eeks, but every one who beheld it prophesied that there would 
soon be warm work in the province ! 

Thus armed at all points, with grisly war depided in each feature, his 
very cocked hat assuming an air of uncommon defiance, he instantly put 
himself upon the alert, and dispatched Anthony Van Cor/ear hither and 
thither, this way and that way, through all the muddy streets and crooked 
lanes of the city, summoning by sound of trumpet his trusty peers to 
assemble in instant council. This done, by way of expediting matters 
according to the custom of people in a hurry, he kept in continual bustle, 
shifting from chair to chair, popping his head out of every window, and 
stumping up and down stairs with his wooden leg in such brisk and in- 
cessant motion, that, as we are informed by an authentic historian of the 
times, the continual clatter bore no small resemblance to the music of 
a cooper hooping a flour-barrel. 

A summons so peremptory, and from a man of the governor's mettle, 
was not to be trifled with ; the sages forthwith repaired to the council- 
chamber, seated themselves with the utmost tranquillity, and, lighting 
their long pipes, gazed with unruffled composure on his Excellency and 
his regimentals, — being, as all counsellors should be, not easily flustered 
or taken by surprise. The governor, looking around for a moment with 
a lotty and soldier-like air, and resting one hand on the pommel of his 
sword and flinging the other forth in a free and spirited manner, ad- 
dressed them in a short but soul-stirrinjj harangue. 
I am extremely sorry that I have not the advantages of Livy, Thucydides, 
Plutarch, and others of my predecessors, who were furnished, as I am 
told, with the speeches of all their heroes, taken down in shorthand 
by the most accurate stenographers of the time, — whereby they were en- 
abled wonderfully to enrich their histories and delight their readers with 
sublime strains of eloquence. Not having such important auxiliaries, I 
cannot possibly pronounce what was the tenor of Governor Stuyvesanfs 
speech. I am bold, however, to say, from the tenor of his character, that 
he did not wrap his rugged subjeft in silks and ermines and other sickly 
trickeries of phrase, but spoke forth like a man of nerve and vigor who 
scorned to shrink in words from those dangers which he stood ready to 
encounter in very deed. This much is certain, that he concluded by an- 
nouncing his determination to lead on his troops in person and rout 
these costard-monger Swedes from their usurped quarters at Fort Casimir. 
To this hardy resolution, such of his council as were awake gave their 
usual signal of concurrence ; and as to the rest, who had fallen asleep about 

[ 211 ] 



A History k^c. [Bk. vi 



the middle of the harangue (their " usual custom in the afternoon "), they 
made not the least objeftion. 

And now was seen in the fair city of New Amsterdam a prodigious bustle 
and preparation for iron war. Recruiting parties marched hither and 
thither, calling lustily upon all the scrubs, the runagates, and tatterde- 
malions of the Manhattoes and its vicinity, who had any ambition of six- 
pence a day and immortal fame into the bargain, to enlist in the cause 
of glory ; for I would have you note that your warlike heroes who 
trudge in the rear of conquerors are generally of that illustrious class of 
gentlemen who are equal candidates for the army or the bridewell, the 
halberds or the whipping-post, — for whom Dame For/z/wt' has cast an even 
die, whether they shall make their exit by the sword or the halter, and 
whose deaths shall, at all events, be a lofty example to their countrymen. 
But, notwithstanding all this martial rout and invitation, the ranks of 
honor were but scantily supplied, so averse were the peaceful burghers 
of New Amsterdam from enlisting in foreign broils, or stirring beyond 
that home which rounded all their earthly ideas. Upon beholding this, 
the great Peter^ whose noble heart was all on fire with war and sweet re- 
venge, determined to wait no longer for the tardy assistance of these oily 
citizens, but to muster up his merry men of the Hudson, who, brought 
up among woods and wilds and savage beasts, like our yeomen of Ken- 
tucky, delighted in nothing so much as desperate adventures and perilous 
expeditions through the wilderness. Thus resolving, he ordered his trusty 
squire, Anthony Van Corlear, to have his state galley prepared and duly 
viftualled, which being performed, he attended public service at the 
great church of St. Nicholas, like a true and pious governor, and then, 
leaving peremptory orders with his council to have the chivalry of the 
Manhattoes mzYshzWtd out and appointed against his return, departed upon 
his recruiting voyage up the waters of the Hudson. 



Chap 

[ 212 ] 



Chapter iv 



CONTAINING Peter Stuyvesant's Voyage up the Hudson, 

and the Wonders and Delights of that renowned River. 

N^OW did the soft breezes of the south steal sweetly over the 
face of nature, tempering the panting heats of summer into 
genial and prolific warmth, when that miracle of hardihood 
and chivalric virtue, the dauntless Peter Stiiyvcsant, spread 
his canvas to the wind and departed from the fair island of 
Manna-hata. The galley in which he embarked was sumptuously adorned 
with pendants and streamers of gorgeous dyes, which fluttered gayly in 
the wind or drooped their ends into the bosom of the stream. The bow 
and poop of this majestic vessel were gallantly bedight, after the rar- 
est Dutch fashion, with figures of little pursy Cupids with periwigs on 
their heads, and bearing in their hands garlands of flowers, the like of 
which are not to be found in any book of botany, being the matchless 
flowers which flourished in the golden age, and exist no longer, unless 
it be in the imaginations of ingenious carvers of wood and discolorers of 
canvas. 

Thus rarely decorated, in style befitting the puissant potentate of the 
Manhattoes, did the galley oi Peter StuyvesatitXzunch. forth upon the bosom 
of the lordly Hudson, which, as it rolled its broad waves to the ocean, 
seemed to pause for a while and swell with pride, as if conscious of the 
illustrious burden it sustained. 

But trust me, gentlefolk, far other was the scene presented to the con- 
templation of the crew from that which may be witnessed at this degen- 
erate day. Wildness and savage majesty reigned on the borders of this 
mighty river; the hand of cultivation had not as yet laid low the dark 
forest and tamed the features of the landscape, nor had the frequent sail 
of commerce broken in upon the profound and awful solitude of ages. 
Here and there might be seen a rude wigwam perched among the cliffs 
of the mountains, with its curling column of smoke mounting in the 
transparent atmosphere, — but so loftily situated that the whoopings of 
the savage children, gambolling on the margin of the dizzy heights, fell 
almost as faintly on the air as do the notes of the lark when lost in the 
azure vault of heaven. Now and then, from the beetling brow of some 
precipice, the wild deer would look timidly down upon the splendid 

[ 213 ] 



A History of [Bk. vi 

pageant as it passed below, and then, tossing his antlers in the air, would 
bound away into the thickest of the forest. 

Through such scenes did the stately vessel of Feter Stuyvesant pass. Now 
did they skirt the bases of the rocky heights of Jersey, which spring up 
like everlasting walls, reaching from the waves unto the heavens, and 
were fashioned, if tradition may be believed, in times long past, by the 
mighty spirit Manetho, to proted his favorite abodes from the unhallowed 
eyes of mortals. Now did they career it gayly across the vast expanse of 
Tappan Bay, whose wide-extended shores present a variety of deledable 
scenery, — here the bold promontory, crowned with embowering trees, 
advancing into the bay, — there the long woodland slope, sweeping up 
from the shore in rich luxuriance, and terminating in the upland preci- 
pice, — while at a distance a long waving line of rocky heights threw 
their gigantic shades across the water. Now would they pass where some 
modest little interval, opening among these stupendous scenes, yet re- 
treating as it were for proteftion into the embraces of the neighboring 
mountains, displayed a rural paradise fraught with sweet and pastoral 
beauties, — the velvet-tufted lawn, the bushy copse, the tinkling rivulet, 
stealing through the fresh and vivid verdure, on whose banks was situ- 
ated some little Indian village, or, peradventure, the rude cabin of some 
solitary hunter. 

The different periods of the revolving day seemed each, with cunning 
magic, to diffuse a different charm over the scene. Now would the jovial 
sun break gloriously from the east, blazing from the summits of the hills 
and sparkling the landscape with a thousand dewy gems, while along 
the borders of the river were seen the heavy masses of mist, which, like 
midnight caitiffs disturbed at his approach, made a sluggish retreat, roll- 
ing in sullen reluftance up the mountains. At such times all was bright- 
ness and life and gayety, the atmosphere was of an indescribable pure- 
ness and transparency, the birds broke forth in wanton madrigals, and 
the freshening breezes wafted the vessel merrily on her course. But, when 
the sun sunk amid a fiood of glory in the west, mantling the heavens and 
the earth with a thousand gorgeous dyes, then all was calm and silent 
and magnificent. The late swelling sail hung lifelessly against the mast ; 
the seaman, with folded arms, leaned against the shrouds, lost in that in- 
voluntary musing which the sober grandeur of nature commands in the 
rudest of her children. The vast bosom of the Hudson was like an unruf- 
fled mirror, refleding the golden splendor of the heavens, excepting that 
now and then a bark canoe would steal across its surface, filled with painted 
savages whose gay feathers glared brightly as perchance a lingering ray 
of the setting sun gleamed upon them from the western mountains. 

[ 214 ] 



4 



Ch.iv] N e w Y o r k c^r. 

But when the hour of twilight spread its majestic mists around, then did 
the face of nature assume a thousand fugitive charms which, to the worthy 
heart that seeks enjoyment in the glorious works of its Maker, are inex- 
pressibly captivating. The mellow dubious light that prevailed just served 
to tinge with illusive colors the softened features of the scenery. The de- 
ceived but delighted eye sought vainly to discern in the broad masses of 
shade the separating line between the land and water, or to distinguish 
the fading objefts that seemed sinking into chaos. Now did the busy fancy 
supply the feebleness of vision, producing with industrious craft a fairy 
creation of her own. Under her plastic wand the barren rocks frowned 
upon the watery waste in the semblance of lofty towers and high em- 
battled castles ; trees assumed the direful forms of mighty giants, and 
the inaccessible summits of the mountains seemed peopled with a thou- 
sand shadowy beings. 

Now broke forth from the shores the notes of an innumerable variety of 
inserts which filled the air with a strange but not inharmonious concert, 
while ever and anon was heard the melancholy plaint of the whippoor- 
will, who, perched on some lone tree, wearied the ear of night with his 
incessant moanings. The mind, soothed into a hallowed melancholy, lis- 
tened with pensive stillness to catch and distinguish each sound that 
vaguely echoed from the shore, — now and then startled perchance by 
the whoop of some straggling savage, or by the dreary howl of a wolf 
stealing forth upon his nightly prowlings. 

Thus happily did they pursue their course until they entered upon those 
awful defiles denominated the highlands, where it would seem that the 
gigantic T'itans had erst waged their impious war with heaven, piling up 
cliffs on cliffs and hurling vast masses of rock in wild confusion. But, in 
sooth, very different is the history of these cloudcapt mountains. These 
in ancient days, before the Hudson poured its waters from the lakes, formed 
one vast prison, within whose rocky bosom the omnipotent Manetho con- 
fined the rebellious spirits who repined at his control. Here, bound in 
adamantine chains, or jammed in rifted pines, or crushed by ponderous 
rocks, they groaned for many an age. At length the conquering Hudson, 
in its career towards the ocean, burst open their prison-house, rolling 
its tide triumphantly through the stupendous ruins. 
Still, however, do many of them lurk about their old abodes ; and these 
it is, according to venerable legends, that cause the echoes which resound 
throughout these awful solitudes, — which are nothing but their angry 
clamors when any noise disturbs the profoundness of their repose. For, 
when the elements are agitated by tempest, when the winds are up and 
the thunder rolls, then horrible is the yelling and howling of these trou- 

[ 215 ] 



A History of [Bk. vi 

bled spirits, making the mountains to rebellow with their hideous up- 
roar ; for, at such times it is said that they think the great Manetho is re- 
turning once more to plunge them in gloomy caverns and renew their 
intolerable captivity. 

But all these fair and glorious scenes were lost upon the gallant Stuyve- 
sant ; naught occupied his mind but thoughts of iron war and proud 
anticipations of hardy deeds of arms. Neither did his honest crew 
trouble their heads with any romantic speculations of the kind. The 
pilot at the helm quietly smoked his pipe, thinking of nothing either 
past, present, or to come ; those of his comrades who were not indus- 
triously smoking under the hatches were listening with open mouths to 
Anthony Van Corlcar, who, seated on the windlass, was relating to them 
the marvellous history of those myriads of fire-flies that sparkled like 
gems and spangles upon the dusky robe of night. These, according to 
tradition, were originally a race of pestilent sempiternous beldames who 
peopled these parts long before the memory of man, being of that abomi- 
nated race emphatically called brimstones^ and who, for their innumer- 
able sins against the children of men, and to furnish an awful warning 
to the beauteous sex, were doomed to infest the earth in the shape of 
these threatening and terrible little bugs, enduring the internal torments 
of that fire which they formerly carried in their hearts and breathed 
forth in their words, but now are sentenced to bear about forever — in 
their tails ! 

And now I am going to tell a faft which I doubt much my readers will 
hesitate to believe ; but if they do, they are welcome not to believe a word 
in this whole history, for nothing which it contains is more true. It must 
be known, then, that the nose oi Anthony the Trumpeter was of a very lusty 
size, strutting boldly from his countenance like a mountain of Golconda, 
— being sumptuously bedecked with rubies and other precious stones, the 
true regalia of a king of good fellows, which jolly Bacchus grants to all 
who bouse it heartily at the flagon. Now, thus it happened that, bright 
and early in the morning, the good Anthony, having washed his burly 
visage, was leaning over the quarter-railing of the galley, contemplating 
it in the glassy wave below. Just at this moment the illustrious sun, break- 
ing in all its splendor from behind a high blufi- of the highlands, did dart 
one of his most potent beams full upon the refulgent nose of the sounder 
of brass — the reflection of which shot straightway down, hissing-hot, into 
the water, and killed a mighty sturgeon that was sporting beside the ves- 
sel ! This huge monster, being with infinite labor hoisted on board, fur- 
nished a luxurious repast to all the crew, being accounted of excellent 
flavor, excepting about the wound, where it smacked a little of brimstone ; 

[ 216 ] 



ch. iv] New York ^c. 

and this, on my veracity, was the first time that ever sturgeon was eaten 
in these parts by Christian people.* 

When this astonishing miracle came to be made known to Peter Stuy- 
vesant, and that he tasted of the unknown fish, he, as may well be sup- 
posed, marvelled exceedingly ; and as a monument thereof he gave the 
name of Anthony's Nose to a stout promontory in the neighborhood, and 
it has continued to be called Anthony's Nose ever since that time. 
But hold : whither am I wandering ? By the mass, if I attempt to accom- 
pany the good Peter Stuyvesant on this voyage, I shall never make an end ; 
for never was there a voyage so fraught with marvellous incidents, nor 
a river so abounding with transcendent beauties, worthy of being severally 
recorded. Even now I have it on the point ot my pen to relate how his 
crew were most horribly frightened, on going on shore above the high- 
lands, by a gang of merry roistering devils, frisking and curveting on a 
flat rock which projected into the river, and which is called the Diiy- 
veFs Duns-Kamer to this very day. But no ! Dietrich Knickerbocker, it be- 
comes thee not to idle thus in thy historic wayfaring. 
Recolle6l that while dwelling with the fond garrulity of age over these 
fairy scenes, endeared to thee by the recollections of thy youth and the 
charms of a thousand legendary tales which beguiled the simple ear ot 
thy childhood, — recollect that thou art trifling with those fleeting mo- 
ments which should be devoted to loftier themes. Is not Time — relent- 
less Time ! — shaking, with palsied hand, his almost exhausted hour-glass 
before thee .f' Hasten, then, to pursue thy weary task, lest the last sands be 
run ere thou hast finished thy history of the Manhattoes. 
Let us, then, commit the dauntless Peter, his brave galley, and his loyal 
crew to the protection of the blessed St. Nicholas, who, I have no doubt, 
will prosper him in his voyage, while we await his return at the great 
city of New Amsterdam. 

*The learned Hans Megapoknsis, treating of the country about Albany, in a letter which was writ- 
ten some time after the settlement, says : "There is in the river great plenty of sturgeon, which 
we Christians do not make use of, but the Indians eat them greedily." 



Ch 



[ 217 ] 



Chapter v 



DESCRIBING the Powerful Artny that assembled at the 
City of New Amsterdam ; T'ogether with the Interview between Peter the 
Headstrong and General van Poffenburgh, and Peter's Sentiments 
touching Unfortunate Great Men. 

WHILE thus the enterprising P^'/tr was coasting, with flow- 
ing sail, up the shores of the lordly Hudson, and arous- 
ing all the phlegmatic little Dutch settlements upon its 
borders, a great and puissant concourse of warriors was 
assembling at the city oi New Amsterdam. And here that 
invaluable fragment of antiquity, the Stuyvesant manuscript, is more than 
commonly particular ; by which means I am enabled to record the illus- 
trious host that encamped itself in the public square in front of the fort 
at present denominated the Bowling Green. 

In the centre, then, was pitched the tent of the men of battle of the 
Manhattoes, who, being the inmates of the metropolis, composed the lite- 
guards of the governor. These were commanded by the valiant Stqffel 
Brinkerhoof, who whilom had acquired such immortal fame at OysterBzy ; 
they displayed as a standard a beaver rampant on a field of orange, being 
the arms of the province, and denoting the persevering industry and the 
amphibious origin of the Neder landers.^ 

On their right hand might be seen the vassals of that renowned Myn- 
heer, Michael Paw,\ who lorded it over the fair regions of ancient Pa- 
vonia and the lands away south even unto the Navesink Mountains,|. and 
was moreover patroon of Gibbet Island. His standard was borne by his 
trusty squire, Cornelius Van Vorst — consisting of a huge oyster recumbent 
upon a sea-green field, being the armorial bearings of his favorite me- 
tropolis, Communipaw. He brought to the camp a stout force of warriors, 
heavily armed, being each clad in ten pair of linsey-woolsey breeches, 

•This was likewise the great seal of the New Netherlands, as may still be seen in ancient records, 
t Besides what is related in the Stuyvesant MS., I have found mention made of this illustrious pa- 
troon in another manuscript, which says : "Dc Heer (or the squire) Michael Paw, a Dutch subjeft, 
about loth Aug. 1630, by deed purchased Staten Island. N. B. The same Michael Paw had what 
the Dutch call a colonie at Paz-onia, on the Jersey shore, opposite New Tork, and his overseer in 
1636 was named Corns. Fan Vorst, a person of the same name in 1769, owned Pawles Hook, and 
a large farm at Pavonia, and is a lineal descendant from Van Vorst. 

I So called from the Navesink tribe of Indians that inhabited these parts. At present they are erro- 
neously denominated the Neversink, or Neversunk Mountains. 

[ 218 ] 



Ch. v] N E W Y O R K ^C, 

and overshadowed by broad-brimmed beavers with short pipes twisted 
in their hat-bands. These were the men who vegetated in the mud along 
the shores of Pavonia, being of the race of genuine copperheads, and 
were fabled to have sprung from oysters. 

At a little distance was encamped the tribe of warriors who came from 
the neighborhood oi Hell-gate. These were commanded by the Suy Dams 
and the Van Dams, — incontinent hard swearers, as their names betoken. 
They were terrible-looking fellows, clad in broad-skirted gaberdines of 
that curious colored cloth called thunder and lightning, and bore as a 
standard three devil's darning-needles, volant, in a flame-colored field. 
Hard by was the tent of the men of battle from the marshy borders of 
the JVaale-Boght^ and the country thereabouts. These were of a sour 
aspeft, by reason that they lived on crabs, which abound in these parts. 
They were the first institutors of that honorable order of knighthood 
called Fly-market shirks, and, if tradition speak true, did likewise intro- 
duce the far-famed step in dancing called "double trouble." They were 
commanded by the fearless Jacobus Varra Vanger, and had, moreover, 
a jolly band of Breuckelen\ ferry-men, who performed a brave concerto 
on conch-shells. 

But I refrain from pursuing this minute description, which goes on to 
describe the warriors of Bloemen-dael, and Weehawk, and Hoboken, and 
sundry other places well known in history and song ; for, now do the 
notes of martial music alarm the people of Ne'iso Amsterdam, sounding 
afar from beyond the walls of the city. But this alarm was in a little 
while relieved, for lo ! from the midst of a vast cloud of dust, they re- 
cognized the brimstone-colored breeches and splendid silver leg of Peter 
Stuyvesant glaring in the sunbeams, and beheld him approaching at the 
head of a formidable army which he had mustered along the banks of 
the Hudson. And here the excellent but anonymous writer of the Stuyve- 
sant manuscript breaks out into a brave and glorious description of the 
forces as they defiled through the principal gate of the city that stood 
by the head of Wall street. 

First of all came the Van Brummels, who inhabit the pleasant borders 
of the Bronx ; these were short fat men, wearing exceeding large trunk- 
breeches, and were renowned for feats of the trencher. They were the 
first inventors of suppawn, or mush and milk. — Close in their rear 
marched the Van Vlotens, oi Kaatskill, horrible quaffers of new cider, and 
arrant braggarts in their liquor. — After them came the Van Pelts, of 

* Since corrupted into the Wallabout ; the bay where the Navy-yard is situated. 
+ Now spelt Brooklyn. 

[ 219 ] 



A History of [Bk. vi 

Groodt Esopus, dexterous horsemen, mounted upon goodly switch-tailed 
steeds of the Esopus breed. These were mighty hunters of minks and 
musk-rats, whence came the word Peltry. — Then the Van Nests, of Khi- 
derhoeck, valiant robbers of birdsnests, as their name denotes. To these, 
if report may be believed, are we indebted for the invention of slapjacks, 
or buckwheat cakes. — Then the Van HIgginbottoms, of Mapping's creek. 
These came armed with ferules and birchen rods, being a race of school- 
masters who first discovered the marvellous sympathy between the seat of 
honor and the seat of intelleft, and that the shortest way to get knowledge 
into the head was to hammer it into the bottom. — Then the Van Grolls, 
of Anthony s Nose, who carried their liquor in fair round little pottles, by 
reason they could not bouse it out of their canteens, having such rare 
long noses. — Then the Gardeniers, of Hudson and thereabouts, distin- 
guished by many triumphant feats, such as robbing watermelon patches, 
smoking rabbits out of their holes, and the like, and by being great lovers 
of roasted pigs' tails. These were the ancestors of the renowned congress- 
man of that name. — Then the Van Hoesens, o£ Sing-Sing, great choristers 
and players upon the jews-harp. These marched two and two, singing 
the great song of St. Nicholas. — Then the Couenhovens, of Sleepy Hollow. 
These gave birth to a jolly race of publicans who first discovered the 
magic artifice of conjuring a quart of wine into a pint bottle. — Then the 
Van Kortlandts, who lived on the wild banks of the Croton, and were 
great killers of wild ducks, being much spoken of for their skill in shoot- 
ing with the long bow. — Then the Van Bunschotens, of Nyack and Kakiat, 
who were the first that did ever kick with the left foot. They were gal- 
lant bushwackers and hunters of raccoons by moonlight. — Then the Van 
Winkles, of Haerlem, potent suckers of eggs, and noted for running of 
horses and running up of scores at taverns. They were the first that ever 
winked with both eyes at once. — Lastly came the Knickerbockers, of 
the great town of Scaghtikoke, where the folk lay stones upon the houses 
in windy weather, lest they should be blown away. These derive their 
name, as some say, from Knicker, to shake, and Beker, a goblet, indicat- 
ing thereby that they were sturdy toss-pots of yore ; but, in truth, it was 
derived from Knicker, to nod, and Boeken, books, — plainly meaning that 
they were great nodders or dozers over books. From them did descend 
the writer of this history. 

Such was the legion of sturdy bushbeaters that poured in at the grand 
gate of New Amsterdam ; the Stuyvesant manuscript, indeed, speaks of many 
more, whose names I omit to mention, seeing that it behooves me to 
hasten to matters of greater moment. Nothing could surpass the joy and 
martial pride of the lion-hearted Peter as he reviewed this mighty host 

[ 220 ] 



Ch. v] N E W Y O R K 



C. 



of warriors, and he determined no longer to defer the gratification of his 
much wished-for revenge upon the scoundrel S^vedes at Fort Casimir. 
But, before I hasten to record those unmatchable events which will be 
found in the sequel of this faithful history, let me pause to notice the fate 
oi Jacobus Van Poffcnburgh, the discomfited commander-in-chief of the 
armies of the New Netherlands. Such is the inherent uncharitableness of 
human nature, that scarcely did the news become public of his deplor- 
able discomfiture at Fort Casimir than a thousand scurvy rumors were 
set afloat in New Amsterdam, wherein it was insinuated that he had in 
reality a treacherous understanding with the Swedish commander ; that 
he had long been in the praftice of privately communicating with the 

Swedes; together with divers hints about "secret service money," to all 

which deadly charges I do not give a jot more credit than I think they 
deserve. 

Certain it is that the general vindicated his charafter by the most vehe- 
ment oaths and protestations, and put every man out of the ranks of 
honor who dared to doubt his integrity. Moreover, on returning to New 
Amsterdam, he paraded up and down the streets with a crew of hard 
swearers at his heels, — sturdy bottle-companions, whom he gorged and 
fattened, and who were ready to bolster him through all the courts of 
justice, heroes of his own kidney, fierce-whiskered, broad-shouldered, 
colbrand-looking swaggerers, — not one of whom but looked as though 
he could eat up an ox and pick his teeth with the horns. These life- 
guard men quarrelled all his quarrels, were ready to fight all his battles, 
and scowled at every man that turned up his nose at the general, as though 
they would devour him alive. Their conversation was interspersed with 
oaths like minute-guns, and every bombastic rodomontade was rounded 
off by a thundering execration, like a patriotic toast honored with a dis- 
charge of artillery. 

All these valorous vaporings had a considerable effeft in convincino- cer- 
tain profound sages, who began to think the general a hero of unmatch- 
able loftiness and magnanimity of soul, particularly as he was continually 
protesting on the honor of a soldier, — sl marvellously high-sounding assev- 
eration. Nay, one of the members of the council went so far as to propose 
they should immortalize him by an imperishable statue of plaster of 
Paris. 

But the vigilant Peter the Headstrong was not thus to be deceived. Send- 
ing privately for the commander-in-chief of all the armies, and havino- 
heard all his story, garnished with the customary pious oaths, protesta- 
tions, and ejaculations, — " Harkee, comrade," cried he, " though by your 
own account you are the most brave, upright, and honorable man in the 

[ 221 ] 



A History ^<r. [Bk. vi 

whole province, yet do you lie under the misfortune of being damnably 
traduced and immeasurably despised. Now, though it is certainly hard 
to punish a man for his misfortunes, and though it is very possible you 
are totally innocent of the crimes laid to your charge, yet, as heaven, 
doubtless for some wise purpose, sees fit at present to withhold all proofs 
of your innocence, far be it from me to counteract its sovereign will. 
Besides, I cannot consent to venture my armies with a commander whom 
they despise, nor to trust the welfare of my people to a champion whom 
they distrust. Retire, therefore, my friend, from the irksome toils and 
cares of public life, with this comforting refleftion, that, if guilty, you are 
but enjoying your just reward, and if innocent, you are not the first great 
and good man who has most wrongfully been slandered and maltreated 
in this wicked world, — doubtless to be better treated in a better world, 
where there shall be neither error, calumny, nor persecution. In the mean- 
time let me never see your face again, for I have a horrible antipathy to 
the countenances of unfortunate great men like yourself." 



I 



Chap. 

[ 222 ] 



Chapter vi 



IN which the Author discourses very ingenuously oj' Him- 
self ; After which is to be found much Interesting History about Peter the 
Headstrong ami his Followers. 

^S my readers and myself are about entering on as many perils as 
/^ ever a confederacy of meddlesome knights-errant wilfully 
/ ^ ran their heads into, it is meet that, like those hardy adven- 
^ m turers, we should join hands, bury all differences, and swear 

to stand by one another, in weal or woe, to the end of the 
enterprise. My readers must doubtless perceive how completely I have 
altered my tone and deportment since we first set out together. I war- 
rant they then thought me a crabbed, cynical, impertinent little son of a 
Dutchnan ; for, I scarcely gave them a civil word, nor so much as touched 
my beaver, when I had occasion to address them. But, as we jogged along 
together on the high-road of my history, I gradually began to relax, to 
grow more courteous, and occasionally to enter into familiar discourse, 
until at length I came to conceive a most social, companionable kind of 
regard for them. This is just my way : I am always a little cold and re- 
served at first, particularly to people whom I neither know nor care for, 
and am only to be completely won by long intimacy. 
Besides, why should I have been sociable to the crowd of how-d'ye-do 
acquaintances that Hocked around me at my first appearance .? Many were 
merely attra6ted by a new face, and, having stared me full in the title- 
page, walked off without saying a word ; while others lingered yawningly 
through the preface, and, having gratified their short-lived curiosity, soon 
dropped off one by one. But, more especially to try their mettle, I had 
recourse to an expedient similar to one which we are told was used by 
that peerless fiower of chivalry. King Arthur, who, before he admitted 
any knight to his intimacy, first required that he should show himself 
superior to danger or hardships, by encountering unheard-of mishaps, slay- 
ing some dozen giants, vanquishing wicked enchanters, not to say a word 
of dwarfs, hippogriffs, and fiery dragons. On a similar principle did I cun- 
ningly lead my readers, at the first sally, into two or three knotty chap- 
ters, where they were most wofully belabored and buffeted by a host of 
pagan philosophers and infidel writers. Though naturally a very grave 
man, yet could I scarcely refrain from smiling outright at seeing the utter 

[ 223 ] 



A History of [Bk. 



VI 



confusion and dismay of my valiant cavaliers. Some dropped down dead 
(asleep) on the field ; others threw down my book in the middle of the 
first chapter, took, to their heels, and never ceased scampering until they 
had fairly run it out of sight, — when they stopped to take breath, to tell 
their friends what troubles they had undergone, and to warn all others 
from venturing on so thankless an expedition. Every page thinned my 
ranks more and more ; and of the vast multitude that first set out, but a 
comparatively few made shift to survive, in exceedingly battered condi- 
tion, through the five introduftory chapters. 

What, then ! would you have had me take such sunshine, faint-hearted 
recreants to my bosom at our first acquaintance ? No, no ; I reserved my 
friendship for those who deserved it, for those who undauntedly bore me 
company, in spite of difficulties, dangers, and fatigues. And now, as to 
those who adhere to me at present, I take them affedionately by the hand. 
Worthy and thrice-beloved readers ! brave and well-tried comrades ! who 
have faithfully followed my footsteps through all my wanderings, — I 
salute you from my heart ; I pledge myself to stand by you to the last, 
and to conduct you (so Heaven speed this trusty weapon which I now 
hold between my fingers) triumphantly to the end of this our stupendous 
undertaking. 

But, hark ! while we are thus talking, the city of New Amsterdam is in a 
bustle. The host of warriors encamped in the Bowling Green are striking 
their tents ; the brazen trumpet oi Anthony Van Cor /ear mzk&s the welkin 
to resound with portentous clangor ; the drums beat ; the standards of the 
Manhattoes, of Hell-gate, and oi Michael Paw, wave proudly in the air. 
And now behold where the mariners are busily employed hoisting the sails 
of yon topsail schooner, and those clump-built sloops, which are to waft 
the army oi ihtNeder landers to gather immortal honors on tht Delaware! 
The entire population of the city — man, woman, and child — turned out 
to behold thechivalry of AT'e-w Amsterdam as it paraded the streets previous 
to embarkation. Many a handkerchief was waved out of the windows ; 
many a fair nose was blown in melodious sorrow on the mournful occa- 
sion. The grief of the fair dames and beauteous damsels oi Granada could 
not have been more vociferous on the banishment of the gallant tribe of 
Abencerrages than was that of the kind-hearted fair ones of New Amster- 
•dam on the departure of their intrepid warriors. Every love-sick maiden 
fondly crammed the pockets of her hero with gingerbread and doughnuts ; 
many a copper ring was exchanged, and crooked sixpence broken, in 
pledge of eternal constancy ; and there remain extant to this day some 
love-verses written on that occasion, sufficiently crabbed and incompre- 
hensible to confound the whole universe. 

[ 224 ] 



Ch.vi] N e w Y o r k S^c. 

But, it was a moving sight to see the buxom lasses, how they hung about 
the doughty Anthony Van Cor/ear, — for he was a jolly, rosy-faced, lusty 
bachelor, fond of his joke, and withal a desperate rogue among the wo- 
men. Fain would they have kept him to comfort them while the army 
was away ; for, besides what I have said of him, it is no more than jus- 
tice to add that he was a kind-hearted soul, noted for his benevolent 
attentions in comforting disconsolate wives during the absence of their 
husbands, — and this made him to be very much regarded by the honest 
burghers of the city. But nothing could keep the valiant Anthony from 
following the heels of the old governor, whom he loved as he did his very 
soul ; so, embracing all the young vrouws, and giving every one of them 
that had good teeth and rosy lips a dozen hearty smacks, he departed, 
loaded with their kind wishes. 

Nor was the departure of the gallant Peter among the least causes of 
public distress. Though the old governor was by no means indulgent to 
the follies and waywardness of his subjects, yet somehow or other he had 
become strangely popular among the people. There is something so cap- 
tivating in personal bravery that, with the common mass of mankind, it 
takes the lead of most other merits. The simple folk of New Amsterdam 
looked upon Peter Stuyvesant as a prodigy of valor. His wooden leg, that 
trophy of his martial encounters, was regarded with reverence and ad- 
miration. Every old burgher had a budget of miraculous stories to tell 
about the exploits of Hardkoppig Piet, wherewith he regaled his children 
of a long winter night, and on which he dwelt with as much delight and 
exaggeration as do our honest country yeomen on the hardy adventures 
of old General Putnam (or, as he is familiarly termed, Old Put) during 
our glorious Revolution. Not an individual but verily believed the old 
governor was a match for Beelzebub himself; and there was even a story 
told, with great mystery and under the rose, of his having shot the devil 
with a silver bullet, one dark stormy night, as he was sailing in a canoe 
through Hell-gate^ — but this I do not record as being an absolute fa6t. 
Perish the man who would let fall a drop to discolor the pure stream of 
history ! 

Certain it is, not an old woman in New Amsterdain but considered Peter 
Stuyvesant as a tower of strength, and rested satisfied that the public wel- 
fare was secure so long as he was in the city. It is not surprising, then, 
that they looked upon his departure as a sore affliftion. With heavy hearts 
they draggled at the heels of his troop as they marched down to the 
river-side to embark. The governor, from the stern of his schooner, gave 
a short but truly patriarchal address to his citizens, wherein he recom- 
mended them to comport like loyal and peaceable subjedts, — to go to 

[ 225 ] 



A History of [Bk. vi 

church regularly on Sundays, and to mind their business all the week be- 
sides. That the women should be dutiful and affediionate to their hus- 
bands, — looking after nobody's concerns but their own, — eschewing all 
gossipings and morning gaddings, and carrying short tongues and long 
petticoats. That the men should abstain from intermeddling in public 
concerns, intrusting the cares of government to the officers appointed to 
support them, — staying at home, like good citizens, making money for 
themselves and getting children for the benefit of their country. That 
the burgomasters should look well to the public interest, — not oppress- 
ing the poor nor indulging the rich, — not tasking their ingenuity to de- 
vise new laws, but faithfully enforcing those which were already made, 
— rather bending their attention to prevent evil than to punish it, ever 
recoUefting that civil magistrates should consider themselves more as 
guardians of public morals than rat-catchers employed to entrap public 
delinquents. Finally, he exhorted them, one and all, high and low, rich 
and poor, to conduct themselves as luell as they could, assuring them that 
if they faithfully and conscientiously complied with this golden rule there 
was no danger but that they would all conduct themselves well enough. 
This done, he gave them a paternal benedift ion, the sturdy Anthony sounded 
a most loving farewell with his trumpet, the jolly crews put up a shout 
of triumph, and the invincible armada swept off proudly down the bay. 
The good people oi New Amsterdam crowded down to the Battery, — 
that blest resort from whence so many a tender prayer has been wafted, 
so many a fair hand waved, so many a tearful look been cast by lovesick 
damsel after the lessening bark bearing her adventurous swain to dis- 
tant climes ! Here the populace watched with straining eyes the gal- 
lant squadron as it slowly floated down the bay, and, when the intervening 
land at the Narrows shut it from their sight, gradually dispersed with 
silent tongues and downcast countenances. 

A heavy gloom hung over the late bustling city ; the honest burghers 
smoked their pipes in profound thoughtfulness, casting many a wistful 
look to the weathercock on the church of St. Nicholas, and all the old 
women, having no longer the presence oi Peter Stuyvesant to hearten them, 
gathered their children home and barricaded the doors and windows every 
evening at sundown. 

In the meanwhile the armada of the sturdy Peter proceeded prosperously 
on its voyage ; and after encountering about as many storms, and water- 
spouts, and whales, and other horrors and phenomena as generally befall 
adventurous landsmen in perilous voyages of the kind, and after under- 
going a severe scouring from that deplorable and unpitied malady called 
seasickness, the whole squadron arrived safely in the Delaware. 

[ 226 ] 



Ch.vi] N e w Y o r k ^c. 



Without so much as dropping anchor and giving his wearied ships time 
to breathe, after laboring so long on the ocean, the intrepid Peter pur- 
sued his course up the Delaware, and made a sudden appearance before 
Fort Cashnir. Having summoned the astonished garrison by a terrific blast 
from the trumpet of the long-winded Van Cor/ear, he demanded, in a 
tone of thunder, an instant surrender of the fort. To this demand, Suen 
Skytte, the wind-dried commandant, replied in a shrill, whiffling voice, 
which, by reason of his extreme spareness, sounded like the wind whis- 
tling through a broken bellows, "that he had no very strong reason 
for refusing, except that the demand was particularly disagreeable, as he 
had been ordered to maintain his post to the last extremity." He re- 
quested time, therefore, to consult with Governor Risingh, and proposed 
a truce for that purpose. 

The choleric Peter, indignant at having his rightful fort so treacherously 
taken from him and thus pertinaciously withheld, refused the proposed 
armistice, and swore by the pipe of St. Nicholas, which, like the sacred 
fire, was never extinguished, that unless the fort were surrendered in ten 
minutes he would incontinently storm the works, make all the garrison 
run the gauntlet, and split their scoundrel of a commander like a pickled 
shad. To give this menace the greater effeft, he drew forth his trusty 
sword and shook it at them with such a fierce and vigorous motion that, 
doubtless, if it had not been exceedingly rusty, it would have lightened 
terror into the eyes and hearts of the enemy. He then ordered his men 
to bring a broadside to bear upon the fort, consisting of two swivels, three 
muskets, a long duck fowling-piece, and two brace of horse-pistols. 
In the mean time the sturdy Van Corlear marshalled all the forces and 
commenced his warlike operations. Distending his cheeks like a very Bo- 
reas, he kept up a most horrific twanging of his trumpet, — the lusty chor- 
isters o? Sing-Sing broke forth into a hideous song of battle, — the war- 
riors of Breuckelen and the Wallabout blew a potent and astonishing blast 
on their conch-shells, — altogether forming as outrageous a concerto as 
though five thousand French fiddlers were displaying their skill in a mod- 
ern overture. 

Whether the formidable front of war thus suddenly presented smote the 
garrison with sore dismay, or whether the concluding terms of the sum- 
mons, which mentioned that he should surrender "at discretion," were 
mistaken by Suen Skytte, who, though a Swede, was a very considerate, 
easy-tempered man, as a compliment to his discretion, I will not take 
upon me to say ; certain it is he found it impossible to resist so courte- 
ous a demand. Accordingly, in the very nick of time, just as the cabin- 
boy had gone after a coal of fire to discharge the swivel, a chamade was 

[ 227 ] 



A History k^c. [Bk. vi 

beat on the rampart by the only drum in the garrison, to the no small 
satisfaction of both parties, who, notwithstanding their great stomach for 
fighting, had full as good an inclination to eat a quiet dinner as to ex- 
change black eyes and bloody noses. 

Thus did this impregnable fortress once more return to the domination 
of their High Mightinesses. Skytte and his garrison of twenty men were 
allowed to march out with the honors of war ; and the viftorious Peter, 
who was as generous as brave, permitted them to keep possession of all 
their arms and ammunition, — the same on inspection being found totally 
unfit for service, having long rusted in the magazine of the fortress, even 
before it was wrested by the Swedes from the windy Van Poffenburgh. 
But I must not omit to mention that the governor was so well pleased 
with the service of his faithful squire. Van Cor/ear, in the reduction of 
this great fortress, that he made him on the spot lord of a goodly domain 
in the vicinity of New Amsterdam, — which goes by the name of Corlears 
Hook unto this very day. 

The unexampled liberality of Peter Stuyvesant towards the Swedes occa- 
sioned great surprise in the ciiy of New Amsterdam, — nay, certain faCtious 
individuals, who had been enlightened by political meetings in the days 
of William the Testy, but who had not dared to indulge their meddlesome 
habits under the eye of their present ruler, now, emboldened by his ab- 
sence, gave vent to their censures in the street. Murmurs were heard in 
the very council-chamber of New Amsterdam, and there is no knowing 
whether they might not have broken out into downright speeches and 
invedtives, had not Peter Stuyvesant privately sent home his walking-staff, 
to be laid as a mace on the table of the council-chamber, in the midst 
of his counsellors, who, like wise men, took the hint, and forever after 
held their peace. 



Ch 

[ 228 ] 



Chapter vii 



SHOWING the great Advantage that the Author has over 
his Reader in time of Battle^ Together with Divers Portentous Movements 
which betoken that ^omctbing: Ccttitlle is about to Happen. 

1IKE as a mighty alderman, when at a corporation feast the first 
spoonful of turtle-soup salutes his palate, feels his appetite 
but tenfold quickened, and redoubles his vigorous attacks 
^ upon the tureen, while his projecting eyes roll greedily round, 
devouring everything at table, so did the mettlesome Peter 
Stuyvesant feel that hunger for martial glory, which raged within his 
bowels, inflamed by the capture of Fort Casimir^ and nothing could allay 
it but the conquest of all New Sweden. No sooner, therefore, had he se- 
cured his conquest than he stumped resolutely on, flushed with success, 
to gather fresh laurels at Fort Christina.'^ 

This was the grand Swedish post, established on a small river (or, as it is 
improperly termed, creek) of the same name ; and here that crafty gov- 
ernor, Jan Risingh, lay grimly drawn up, like a gray-bearded spider in 
the citadel of his web. 

But, before we hurry into the direful scenes which must attend the meet- 
ing of two such potent chieftains, it is advisable to pause for a moment 
and hold a kind of warlike council. Battles should not be rushed into 
precipitately by the historian and his readers any more than by the gen- 
eral and his soldiers. The great commanders of antiquity never engaged 
the enemy without previously preparing the minds of their followers by 
animating harangues, spiriting them up to heroic deeds, assuring them 
of the protedtion of the gods, and inspiring them with a confidence in 
the prowess of their leaders. So the historian should awaken the atten- 
tion and enlist the passions of his readers ; and, having set them all on fire 
with the importance of his subjeft, he should put himself at their head, 
flourish his pen, and lead them on to the thickest of the fight. 
An illustrious example of this rule may be seen in that mirror of his- 
torians, the immortal Thucydides. Having arrived at the breaking out of 
the Pelopowiesian war, one of his commentators observes that " he sounds 
the charge in all the disposition and spirit oi Homer. He catalogues the 

* At present a flourishing town, called Christiana, or Christeen, about thirty-seven miles from Phila- 
delphia, on the post-road to Baltimore. 

[ 229 ] 



A History of [Bk. 



VI 



allies on both sides. He awakens our expeftations and fast engages our 
attention. All mankind are concerned in the important point now going 
to be decided. Endeavors are made to disclose futurity. Heaven itself is 
interested in the dispute. The earth totters, and nature seems to labor 
with the great event. This is his solemn, sublime manner of setting out. 
Thus he magnifies a war between two, as Rapin styles them, petty states ; 
and thus artfully he supports a little subjeft by treating it in a great and 
noble method." 
In like manner, having condufted my readers into the very teeth of 

peril, having followed the adventurous Peter and his band into foreign 

regions, surrounded by foes and stunned by the horrible din of arms, — 
at this important moment, while darkness and doubt hang o'er each com- 
ing chapter, I hold it meet to harangue them and prepare them for the 
events that are to follow. 

And here I would premise one great advantage which, as historian, I 
possess over my reader ; and this it is, that, though I cannot save the life 
of my favorite hero nor absolutely contradift the event of a battle (both 
which liberties, though often taken by the French writers of the present 
reign, I hold to be utterly unworthy of a scrupulous historian), yet I can 
now and then make him bestow on his enemy a sturdy back-stroke suffi- 
cient to fell a giant, — though, in honest truth, he may never have done 
anything of the kind, — or I can drive his antagonist clear round and round 
the field, as did Homer make that fine fellow HeBor scamper like a pol- 
troon round the walls of Troy; for which, if ever they have encountered 
one another in the Elysian fields, I '11 warrant the prince of poets has had 
to make the most humble apology. 

I am aware that many conscientious readers will be ready to cry out 
"foul play ! " whenever I render a little assistance to my hero, but I con- 
sider it one of those privileges exercised by historians of all ages, and one 
which has never been disputed. An historian is, in faft, as it were, bound 
in honor to stand by his hero ; the fame of the latter is intrusted to his 
hands, and it is his duty to do the best by it he can. Never was there a 
general, an admiral, or any other commander, who, in giving account of 
any battle he had fought, did not sorely belabor the enemy ; and I have 
no doubt that, had my heroes written the history of their own achieve- 
ments, they would have dealt much harder blows than any that I shall 
recount. Standing forth, therefore, as the guardian of their fame, it be- 
hooves me to do them the same justice they would have done themselves ; 
and if I happen to be a little hard upon the S^di^edes, I give free leave to 
any of their descendants who may write a story of the State oi De laic are 
to take fair retaliation and belabor Peter Stuyvesant2& hard as they please. 

[ 230 ] 



ch.vii] New York ^c. 

Therefore stand by for broken heads and bloody noses ! My pen hath long 
itched for a battle ; siege after siege have I carried on without blows or 
bloodshed ; but now I have at length got a chance, and I vow to Heaven 
and St. Nicholas that, let the chronicles of the times say what they please, 
neither Sallust, Livy, Tacitus, Polybius, nor any other historian did ever 
record a fiercer fight than that in which my valiant chieftains are now 
about to engage. 

And you, O most excellent readers, whom, for your faithful adherence, 
I could cherish in the warmest corner of my heart, be not uneasy, — trust 
the fate of our favorite Stuyvesant with me, for, by the rood, come what 
may, I '11 stick by Hardkoppig Piet to the last. I '11 make him drive about 
these losels vile, as did the renowned Launcelot of the Lake a herd of rec- 
reant Cornish knights ; and if he does fall, let me never draw my pen to 
fight another battle in behalf of a brave man, if I don't make these lub- 
berly Swedes pay for it ! 

No sooner had Peter Stuyvesant arrived at Fort Christina than he pro- 
ceeded without delay to intrench himself, and immediately on running 
his first parallel dispatched Anthony Van Corlear to summon the fortress 
to surrender. Van Corlear-wsiS received with all due formality, hoodwinked 
at the portal, and conduced through a pestiferous smell of salt fish and 
onions to the citadel, a substantial hut built of pine logs. His eyes were 
here uncovered, and he found himself in the august presence of Governor 
Risingh. This chieftain, as I have before noted, was a very giantly man, and 
was clad in a coarse blue coat strapped round the waist with a leathern 
belt, which caused the enormous skirts and pockets to set off with a very 
warlike sweep. His ponderous legs were cased in a pair of foxy-colored 
jack-boots, and he was straddling in the attitude of the Colossus of Rhodes 
before a bit of broken looking-glass, shaving himself with a villanously 
dull razor. This afflicting operation caused him to make a series of hor- 
rible grimaces which heightened exceedingly the grisly terrors of his 
visage. On Anthony Van Corlear'' s being announced, the grim commander 
paused for a moment in the midst of one of his most hard-favored con- 
tortions, and, after eying him askance over the shoulder with a kind of 
snarling grin on his countenance, resumed his labors at the glass. 
This iron harvest being reaped, he turned once more to the trumpeter 
and demanded the purport of his errand. Anthony Van Corlear delivered 
in a few words, being a kind of short-hand speaker, a long message from 
his Excellency, recounting the whole history of the province, with a re- 
capitulation of grievances and enumeration of claims, and concluding 
with a peremptory demand of instant surrender ; which done, he turned 
aside, took his nose between his thumb and fingers, and blew a tremen- 

[ 231 ] 



A History of [Bk. vi 

dous blast, not unlike the flourish of a trumpet of defiance, — which it 
had doubtless learned from a long and intimate neighborhood with that 
melodious instrument. 

Governor Risiagh heard him through, trumpet and all, but with infinite 
impatience, — leaning at times, as was his usual custom, on the pommel 
of his sword, and at times twirling a huge steel watch-chain or snapping 
his fingers. Van Corlear having finished, he bluntly replied that Peter 
Stuyvesant and his summons might go to the d — 1, whither he hoped to 
send him and his crew of ragamuffins before supper-time. Then, unsheath- 
ing his brass-hilted sword and throwing away the scabbard, — "'Fore 
gad," quod he, "but I will not sheathe thee again until I make a scab- 
bard of the smoke-dried leathern hide of this runagate Dutchman.'''' Then, 
having flung a fierce defiance in the teeth of his adversary by the lips of 
his messenger, the latter was reconducted to the portal with all the cere- 
monious civility due to the trumpeter, squire, and ambassador of so great 
a commander, and, being again unblinded, was courteously dismissed with 
a tweak of the nose, to assist him in recollefting his message. 
No sooner did the gallant Peter receive this insolent reply than he let fly 
a tremendous volley of red-hot execrations, which would infallibly have 
battered down the fortifications and blown up the powder-magazine 
about the ears of the fiery Swede had not the ramparts been remarkably 
strong and the magazine bomb-proof. Perceiving that the works with- 
stood this terrific blast and that it was utterly impossible (as it really was 
in those unphilosophic days) to carry on a war with words, he ordered 
his merry men all to prepare for an immediate assault. But here a strange 
murmur broke out among his troops, beginning with the tribe of the 
Van Bummels, those valiant trenchermen of the Bronx, and spreading from 
man to man, accompanied with certain mutinous looks and discontented 
murmurs. For once in his life, and only for once, did the great Peter 
turn pale, for he verily thought his warriors were going to falter in this 
hour of perilous trial, and thus to tarnish forever the fame of the prov- 
ince of New Netherlands. 

But soon did he discover, to his great joy, that in this suspicion he deeply 
wronged his most undaunted army ; for the cause of this agitation and 
uneasiness simply was that the hour of dinner was at hand, and it would 
have almost broken the hearts of these regular Dutch warriors to have 
broken in upon the invariable routine of their habits. Besides, it was an 
established rule among our ancestors always to fight upon a full stomach ; 
and to this may be doubtless attributed the circumstance that they came 
to be so renowned in arms. 
And now are the hearty men of the Manhattoes and their no less hearty 

[ 232 ] 



^ 



Ch. vii] New York 



c. 



comrades all lustily engaged under the trees, buffeting stoutly with the 
contents of their wallets, and taking such afFedionate embraces of their 
canteens and pottles as though they verily believed they were to be the 
last. And as I foresee we shall have hot work in a page or two, I advise 
my readers to do the same, for which purpose I will bring this chapter 
to a close, — giving them my word of honor that no advantage shall be 
taken of this armistice to surprise or in any wise molest the honest Ned- 
erlanders while at their vigorous repast. 



Ch 

[ 233 1 



Chapter viii 



CONTAINING the Most Horrible Battle ever recorded in 
Poetry or Prose ; with the Admirable Exploits of Peter tlie Headstrong. 

N^OW had the Dutchmen snatched a huge repast, and, finding 
themselves wonderfully encouraged and animated thereby, 
prepared to take the field. Expectation, says the writer of 
xheStuyvesant manuscript, — Expectation now stood on stilts. 
The world forgot to turn round, or rather stood still, that 
it might witness the affray, — like a round-bellied alderman watching the 
combat of two chivalrous flies upon his jerkin. The eyes of all mankind, 
as usual in such cases, were turned upon Fort C/iristina. The sun, like a 
little man in a crowd at a puppet-show, scampered about the heavens, 
popping his head here and there, and endeavoring to get a peep between 
the unmannerly clouds that obtruded themselves in his way. The histo- 
rians filled their ink-horns ; the poets went without their dinners, either 
that they might buy paper and goose-quills, or because they could not 
get anything to eat. Antiquity scowled sulkily out of its grave, to see it- 
self outdone, — while even Posterity stood mute, gazing in gaping ecstasy 
of retrospeftion on the eventful field. 

The immortal deities, who whilom had seen service at the "affair" of 
T'roy, now mounted their feather-bed clouds and sailed over the plain 
or mingled among the combatants in different disguises, all itching to 
have a finger in the pie. "Jupiter sent off his thunderbolt to a noted cop- 
persmith, to have it furbished up for the direful occasion. Venus vowed 
by her chastity to patronize the Swedes, and in semblance of a blear-eyed 
trull paraded the battlements of Fort Christina, accompanied by Diana, 
as a sergeant's widow, of cracked reputation. The noted bully, Mars, 
stuck two horse-pistols into his belt, shouldered a rusty firelock, and gal- 
lantly swaggered at their elbow, as a drunken corporal ; while Apollo 
trudged in their rear, as a bandy-legged fifer, playing most villanously 
out of tune. 

On the other side, the ox-eyed Juno, who had gained a pair of black 
eyes overnight, in one of her curtain-leftures with old Jupiter, displayed 
her haughty beauties on a baggage-wagon ; Mmerva, as a brawny gin- 
sutler, tucked up her skirts, brandished her fists, and swore most heroi- 
cally, in exceeding bad Dutch (having but lately studied the language), 

[ 234 ] 



Ch.viii] New York ^c. 

by way of keeping up the spirits of the soldiers ; while Vulcan halted as 
a club-footed blacksmith, lately promoted to be a captain of militia. All 
was silent awe or bustling preparation ; war reared his horrid front, gnashed 
loud his iron fangs, and shook his direful crest of bristling bayonets. 
And now the mighty chieftains marshalled out their hosts. Here stood 
stout Risiiigh, firm as a thousand rocks, incrusted with stockades and 
intrenched to the chin in mud batteries. His valiant soldiery lined the 
breastwork in grim array, each having his mustachios fiercely greased 
and his hair pomatumed back and queued so stiffly that he grinned 
above the ramparts like a grisly death's-head. 

There came on the intrepid Peter, — his brows knit, his teeth set, his fists 
clenched, almost breathing forth volumes of smoke, so fierce was the lire 
that raged within his bosom. His faithful squire. Van Corlear, trudged 
valiantly at his heels, with his trumpet gorgeously bedecked with red 
and yellow ribbons, the remembrances of his fair mistresses at the Man- 
hattoes. Then came waddling on the sturdy chivalry of the Hudson. There 
were the Van IVycks, and the Van Dycks, and the Ten Eycks ; the Van 
Nesses, the Van Tassels, the Van Grolls ; the Van Hoesens, the Van Giesons, 
and the Van Blarcoms ; the Van Warts, the Van Winkles, the Van Dams ; 
the Van Pelts, the Van Rippers, and the Van Brunts, There were the Van 
Homes, the Van Hooks, the Van Bunschotens ; the Van Gelders, the Van 
Arsdales, and the Van Bummels ; the Vander Belts, the Vander Hoofs, the 
Vander Voorts, the Vander Lyns, the Vander Pools, and the Vander Spiegles. 
Then came the Hoffmans, the Hooghlands, the Hoppers, the Cloppers, the 
Ryckmans, the Dyckmans, the Hogebooms, the Rosebooms, the Oothouts, the 
Qnackenbosses, the Roerbacks, the Garrebrantzes, the Bensons, the Brouwers, 
the Waldrons, the Onderdonks, the Varra Vangers, the Schermerhorns, the 
Stoutenburghs, the Brinkerhoffs, the Bontecous, the Knickerbockers, the Hock- 
strassers, the Ten Breecheses, and the Tough Breecheses, with a host more 
of worthies whose names are too crabbed to be written, or, if they could 
be written, it would be impossible for man to utter, — all fortified with 
a mighty dinner and, to use the words of a great Dutch poet, 

" Brimful of wrath and cabbage.''' 

For an instant the mighty Peter paused in the midst of his career, and, 
mounting on a stump, addressed his troops in eloquent Low Dutch, ex- 
horting them to fight like duyvels, and assured them that if they con- 
quered they should get plenty of booty, — if they fell, they should be 
allowed the satisfaction, while dying, of reflecting that it was in the ser- 
vice of their country, and after they were dead of seeing their names 
inscribed in the temple of renown, and handed down, in company with 

[ ^IS ] 



A History of [Bk.vi 

all the other great men of the year, for the admiration of posterity. Fi- 
nally, he swore to them, on the word of a governor (and they knew him 
too well to doubt it for a moment), that if he caught any mother's son 
of them looking pale or playing craven, he would curry his hide till he 
made him run out of it like a snake in spring-time. Then, lugging out 
his trusty sabre, he brandished it three times over his head, ordered Van 
Corlear to sound a charge, and, shouting the words '■'■St. Nicholas and the 
Manhattoes .'" courageously dashed forwards. His warlike followers, who 
had employed the interval in lighting their pipes, instantly stuck them 
into their mouths, gave a furious puff, and charged gallantly under cover 
of the smoke. 

The Swedish garrison, ordered by the cunning Risingh not to fire until 
they could distinguish the whites of their assailants' eyes, stood in horrid 
silence on the covert-way until the eager Z)///r/;;/;t7; had ascended the glacis. 
Then did they pour into them such a tremendous volley that the very 
hills quaked around and were terrified even unto an incontinence of water, 
insomuch that certain springs burst forth from their sides, which continue 
to run unto the present day. Not a Dutchman but would have bitten the 
dust beneath that dreadful fire, had not the protecting Minerva kindly 
taken care that the Swedes should, one and all, observe their usual custom 
of shutting their eyes and turning away their heads at the moment of 
discharge. 

The Swedes followed up their fire by leaping the counterscarp and falling 
tooth and nail upon the foe with furious outcries. And now might be seen 
prodigies of valor unmatched in history or song. Here was the sturdy 
Stoffel 5r/«i^r/;o^ brandishing his quarter-staff, like the giant Blanderon 
his oak-tree (for he scorned to carry any other weapon), and drumming 
a horrific tune upon the hard heads of the Swedish soldiery. There were 
the Van Kortlandts, posted at a distance, like the Locrian archers of yore, 
and plying it most potently with the long-bow for which they were so 
justly renowned. On a rising knoll were gathered the valiant men of Sing- 
Sing, assisting marvellously in the fight by chanting the great song of St. 
Nicholas ; but, as to the Gardeniers of Hudson, they were absent on a ma- 
rauding party, laying waste the neighboring water-melon patches. 
In a different part of the field were the Van Grolis of Anthony s Nose, 
struggling to get to the thickest of the fight, but horribly perplexed in a 
defile between two hills by reason of the length of their noses. So also 
the Van Bunschotens of Nyack and Kakiat, so renowned for kicking with 
the left foot, were brought to a stand for want of wind, in consequence 
of the hearty dinner they had eaten, and would have been put to utter 
rout but for the arrival of a gallant corps of voltigeurs, composed of the 

[ 236 ] 



Ch.viii] New York ^c. 

Hoppers, who advanced nimbly to their assistance on one foot. Nor must 
I omit to mention the vaHant achievements ol Anthojiy Van Corkar, who, 
for a good quarter of an hour, waged stubborn fight with a httle pursy 
Swedish drummer, whose hide he drummed most magnificently, and whom 
he would infallibly have immolated on the spot, but that he had come 
into the battle with no other weapon but his trumpet. 
But now the combat thickened. On came the mighty Jacobus Varra 
Vanger and the fighting men of the Wallabout; after them thundered the 
Van Pelts of Esoptis, together with the Van Rippers and the Van Brunts, 
bearing down all before them ; then the Suy Dams and the Van Dams, 
pressing forward with many a blustering oath at the head of the warriors 
of Hell-gate, clad in their thunder-and-lightning gaberdines ; and lastly, 
the standard-bearers and body-guard oi Peter Stuyvesant, bearing the great 
beaver of the Manhattoes. 

And now commenced the horrid din, the desperate struggle, the mad- 
dening ferocity, the frantic desperation, the confusion and self-abandon- 
ment of war. Dutchman and Swede commingled, tugged, panted, and 
blowed. The heavens were darkened with a tempest of missives. Bang ! 
went the guns ; whack ! went the broad-swords ; thump ! went the cud- 
gels ; crash ! went the musket-stocks ; blows, kicks, cuffs, scratches, black 
eyes and bloody noses swelling the horrors of the scene! Thick thwack, 
cut and hack, helter-skelter, higgledy-piggledy, hurly-burly, head-over- 
heels, rough-and-tumble ! Dunderand blixum ! swore the D/z/'r/^wtv/; split- 
ter and splutter ! cried the Swedes. Storm the works ! shouted Hardkoppig 
Peter. Fire the mine ! roared stout Risingh. Tanta-rar-ra-ra ! twanged the 
trumpet of Anthony Van Corlear, until all voice and sound became un- 
intelligible, — grunts of pain, yells of fury, and shouts of triumph min- 
gling in one hideous clamor. The earth shook as if struck with a paralytic 
stroke ; trees shrunk aghast and withered at the sight ; rocks burrowed 
in the ground like rabbits, and even C//m//>7(2 Creek turned from its course 
and ran up a hill in breathless terror ! 

Long hung the contest doubtful ; for, though a heavy shower of rain, sent 
by the "cloud-compelling Jove," in some measure cooled their ardor, as 
doth a bucket of water thrown on a group of fighting mastiffs, yet did 
they but pause for a moment, to return with tenfold fury to the charge. 
Just at this juncture a vast and dense column of smoke was seen slowly 
rolling toward the scene of battle. The combatants paused for a moment, 
gazing in mute astonishment, until the wind, dispelling the murky cloud, 
revealed the flaunting banner oi Michael Paw, the Patroon of Communi- 
paw. That valiant chieftain came fearlessly on at the head of a phalanx 
of oyster-fed Pavonians and a corps de reserve of the Van Arsdales and Van 

[ 237 ] 



A History of [Bk. vi 

Bummels, who had remained behind to digest the enormous dinner they 
had eaten. These now trudged manfully forward, smoking their pipes 
with outrageous vigor, so as to raise the awful cloud that has been men- 
tioned, but marching exceedingly slow, being short ot leg and of great 
rotundity in the belt. 

And now, the deities who watched over the fortunes of the Nederlanders 
having unthinkingly left the field and stepped into a neighboring tavern 
to refresh themselves with a pot of beer, a direful catastrophe had well- 
nigh ensued. Scarce had the myrmidons oi Michael Paw attained the front 
of battle, when the Swedes, instrufted by the cunning Risingh, levelled a 
shower of blows full at their tobacco-pipes. Astounded at this assault, 
and dismayed at the havoc of their pipes, these ponderous warriors gave 
way, and, like a drove of frightened elephants, broke through the ranks 
of their own army. The little Hoppers were borne down in the surge ; the 
sacred banner emblazoned with the gigantic oyster of Communipaw was 
trampled in the dirt ; on blundered and thundered the heavy-sterned fugi- 
tives, the Swedes pressing on their rear and applying their feet a parte 
poste of the Van Arsdales and the Van Bummels with a vigor that pro- 
digiously accelerated their movement ; nor did the renowned Michael 
Paw himself fail to receive divers grievous and dishonorable visitations 
of shoe-leather. 

But what, O Muse ! was the rage of Peter Stuyvesant, when from afar he 
saw his army giving way ! In the transports of his wrath he sent forth a 
roar, enough to shake the very hills. The men ot the Manhattoes plucked 
up new courage at the sound, or, rather, they rallied at the voice of their 
leader, of whom they stood more in awe than of all the Swedes in Christen- 
d'wz. Without waiting for their aid, the daring Pt'/t-r dashed, sword in hand, 
into the thickest of the foe. Then might be seen achievements worthy of 
the days of the giants. Wherever he went, the enemy shrank before him ; 
the Swedes fled to right and left, or were driven, like dogs, into their 
own ditch ; but, as he pushed forward singly with headlong courage, the 
foe closed behind and hung upon his rear. One aimed a blow full at his 
heart, but the protefting power which watches over the great and good 
turned aside the hostile blade and directed it to a side-pocket, where re- 
posed an enormous iron tobacco-box, endowed, like the shield ot Achilles, 
with supernatural powers, doubtless from bearing the portrait of the blessed 
St. Nicholas. Peter Stuyvesant turned like an angry bear upon the foe, and 
seizing him, as he fled, by an immeasurable queue, " Ah, whoreson cater- 
pillar," roared he, " here 's what shall make worms' meat of thee ! " So say- 
ing, he whirled his sword and dealt a blow that would have decapitated 
the varlet, but that the pitying steel struck short and shaved the queue 

[ 238 ] 




'.1 phaUmx of oyster -fed Pavoni, 



who had remained behind to digest the enormous dinner they had eaten." 



Ch.viii] New York ^c. 



forever from his crown. At this moment an arquebusier levelled his piece 
from a neighboring mound with deadly aim, but the watchful Minerva, 
who had just stopped to tie up her garter, seeing the peril of her favorite 
hero, sent old Boreas with his bellows, who, as the match descended to 
the pan, gave a blast that blew the priming from the touch-hole. 
Thus waged the fight, when the stout Rishigh, surveying the field from 
the top of a little ravelin, perceived his troops banged, beaten, and kicked 
by the invincible Peter. Drawing his falchion and uttering a thousand 
anathemas, he strode down to the scene of combat with some such thun- 
dering strides as Jupiter is said by Hesiod to have taken when he strode 
down the spheres to hurl his thunderbolts at the Titans. 
When the rival heroes came face to face, each made a prodigious start 
in the style of a veteran stage-champion. Then did they regard each other 
for a moment with the bitter aspect of two furious ram-cats on the point 
of a clapper-clawing. Then did they throw themselves into one attitude, 
then into another, striking their swords on the ground, first on the right 
side, then on the left ; at last at it they went with incredible ferocity. 
Words cannot tell the prodigies of strength and valor displayed in this 
direful encounter, — an encounter compared to which the far-famed bat- 
tles oi Ajax with HeBor, of /Eneas with Turnus, Orlando with Rodomont, 
Guy of Warwick with Colbrand the Dane, or of that renowned Welsh 
knight. Sir Owen of the Mountains, with the giant Guy Ion, were all gentle 
sports and holiday recreations. At length the valiant Peter, watching his 
opportunity, aimed a blow, enough to cleave his adversary to the very 
chme ; but Risingh, nimbly raising his sword, warded it off so narrowly 
that, glancing on one side, it shaved away a huge canteen in which he 
carried his liquor, — thence pursuing its trenchant course, it severed off 
a deep coat-pocket stored with bread and cheese, — which provant roll- 
ing among the armies occasioned a fearful scrambling between the Swedes 
and Dutchmen, and made the general battle to wax ten times more furious 
than ever. 

Enraged to see his military stores laid waste, the stout Risingh, colled- 
ing all his forces, aimed a blow full at the hero's crest. In vain did his 
fierce little cocked hat oppose its course. The biting steel clove through 
the stubborn ram beaver, and would have cracked the crown of any one 
not endowed with supernatural hardness of head, but the brittle weapon 
shivered in pieces on the skull of Hardkoppig Piet, shedding a thousand 
sparks, like beams of glory, round his grizzly visage. 
The good Peter reeled with the blow, and, turning up his eyes, beheld a 
thousand suns, besides moons and stars, dancing about the firmament ; at 
length, missing his footing, by reason of his wooden leg, down he came 

[ 239 ] 



A History t^c. [Bk. vi 

on his seat of honor with a crash which shook the surrounding hills, and 
might have wrecked his frame, had he not been received into a cushion 
softer than velvet, which Providence, or Minerva, or St. Nicholas, or 
some kindly cow, had benevolently prepared for his reception. 
The furious Risingh, in spite of the maxim cherished by all true knights 
that "fair play is a jewel," hastened to take advantage of the hero's fall ; 
but, as he stooped to give a fatal blow, Peter Stuyvesant dealt him a 
thwack over the sconce with his wooden leg, which set a chime of bells 
ringing triple bob-majors in his cerebellum. The bewildered Swede stag- 
gered with the blow, and the wary Peter, seizing a pocket-pistol which 
lay hard by, discharged it full at the head of the reeling Risingh. Let not 
my reader mistake ; it was not a murderous weapon loaded with powder 
and ball, but a little sturdy stone pottle charged to the muzzle with a 
double dram of true Dutch courage, which the knowing Anthony Van 
Corlear carried about him by way of replenishing his valor, and which 
had dropped from his wallet during his lurious encounter with the 
drummer. The hideous weapon sang through the air, and, true to its 
course as was the fragment of a rock discharged at HeBor by bully Ajax, 
encountered the head of the gigantic Swede with matchless violence. 
This heaven-direfted blow decided the battle. The ponderous pericra- 
nium of General yan Risingh sank upon his breast ; his knees tottered 
under him ; a death-like torpor seized upon his frame, and he tumbled 
to the earth with such violence that old Pluto started with affright, lest 
he should have broken through the roof of his infernal palace. 
His fall was the signal of defeat and victory : the Swedes gave way, the 
Dutch pressed forward ; the former took to their heels, the latter hotly 
pursued. Some entered with them, pell-mell, through the sally-port ; 
others stormed the bastion, and others scrambled over the curtain. Thus 
in a little while the fortress of Fort Christina, which, like another 'Troy, 
had stood a siege of full ten hours, was carried by assault, without the 
loss of a single man on either side. Vidlory, in the likeness of a gigantic 
ox-fly, sat perched upon the cocked hat of the gallant Stuyvesant; and it 
was declared by all the writers whom he hired to write the history of 
his expedition, that on this memorable day he gained a sufficient quantity 
of glory to immortalize a dozen of the greatest heroes in Christendom ! 



Chap. 

[ 240 ] 



Chapter ix 



IN which the Author and the Reader^ while reposiftg after 
the Battle^ fall into a very Grave Discourse ; After which is recorded the Con- 
duSi of Peter Stuyvesant after his ViSlory . 

THANKS to St. Nicholas, we have safely finished this tremen- 
dous battle. Let us sit down, my worthy reader, and cool our- 
selves, for I am in a prodigious sweat and agitation ; truly 
this fighting of battles is hot work ! and if your great com- 
manders did but know what trouble they give their histo- 
rians, they would not have the conscience to achieve so many horrible 
vidories. But, methinks I hear my reader complain that throughout this 
boasted battle there is not the least slaughter, nor a single individual 
maimed, if we except the unhappy Swede who was shorn of his queue 
by the trenchant blade of Peter Stuyvesant; all which, he observes, is a 
great outrage on probability and highly injurious to the interest of the 
narration. 

This is certainly an objeftion of no little moment, but it arises entirely 
from the obscurity enveloping the remote periods of time about which I 
have undertaken to write. Thus, though doubtless, from the importance 
of the objed: and the prowess of the parties concerned, there must have 
been terrible carnage and prodigies of valor displayed before the walls of 
Christina, yet, notwithstanding that I have consulted every history, man- 
uscript, and tradition touching this memorable though long-forgotten 
battle, I cannot find mention made of a single man killed or wounded 
in the whole affair. 

This is, without doubt, owing to the extreme modesty of our forefathers, 
who, unlike their descendants, were never prone to vaunt of their achieve- 
ments ; but it is a virtue which places their historian in a most embar- 
rassing predicament ; for, having promised my readers a hideous and 
unparalleled battle, and having worked them up into a warlike and blood- 
thirsty state of mind, to put them off without any havoc and slaughter 
would have been as bitter a disappointment as to summon a multitude 
of good people to attend an execution and then cruelly balk them by a 
reprieve. 

Had the fates only allowed me some half a score of dead men, I had been 
content ; for, I would have made them such heroes as abounded in the 

[ 241 ] 



A History of [Bk. vi 

olden time, but whose race is now unfortunately extinft, — any one of 
whom, if we may believe those authentic writers, the poets, could drive 
great armies, like sheep, before him, and conquer and desolate whole 
cities by his single arm. 

But, seeing that I had not a single life at my disposal, all that was left me 
was to make the most I could of my battle, by means of kicks, and cuffs, 
and bruises, and such like ignoble wounds. And here I cannot but com- 
pare my dilemma, in some sort, to that of the divine Milton^ who, having 
arrayed with sublime preparation his immortal hosts against each other, 
is sadly put to it how to manage them, and how he shall make the end 
of his battle answer to the beginning, inasmuch as, being mere spirits, he 
cannot deal a mortal blow nor even give a flesh wound to any of his 
combatants. For my part, the greatest difficulty I found was, when I had 
once put my warriors in a passion and let them loose into the midst of 
the enemy, to keep them from doing mischief. Many a time had I to 
restrain the sturdy Peter from cleaving a gigantic Sii^ede to the very waist- 
band, or spitting half a dozen little fellows on his sword, like so many 
sparrows. And when I had set some hundred of missives flying in the air, 
I did not dare to suffer one of them to reach the ground, lest it should 
have put an end to some unlucky Dutchman. 

The reader cannot conceive how mortifying it is to a writer thus in a 
manner to have his hands tied, and how many tempting opportunities I 
had to wink at, where I might have made as fine a death-blow as any 
recorded in history or song. 

From my own experience, I begin to doubt most potently of the authen- 
ticity of many of Homer s stories. I verily believe that when he had once 
launched one of his favorite heroes among a crowd of the enemy, he cut 
down many an honest fellow, without any authority for so doing, except- 
ing that he presented a fair mark, — and that often a poor fellow was sent 
to grim Pluto's domains merely because he had a name that would give 
a sounding turn to a period. But I disclaim all such unprincipled liber- 
ties ; let me but have truth and the law on my side, and no man would 
fight harder than myself; but, since the various records I consulted did 
not warrant it, I had too much conscience to kill a single soldier. By St. 
Nicholas, but it would have been a pretty piece of business ! My enemies, 
the critics, who I foresee will be ready enough to lay any crime they can 
discover at my door, might have charged me with murder outright, and 
I should have esteemed myself lucky to escape with no harsher verdift 
than manslaughter ! 

And now, gentle reader, that we are tranquilly sitting down here, smok- 
ing our pipes, permit me to indulge in a melancholy reflection which at 

[ 242 ] 



Ch. ix] New York c^r. 

this moment passes across my mind. How vain, how fleeting, how uncer- 
tain are all those gaudy bubbles after which we are panting and toiling 
in this world of fair delusions ! The wealth which the miser has amassed 
with so many weary days, so many sleepless nights, a spendthrift here may 
squander away in joyless prodigality ; the noblest monuments which pride 
has ever reared to perpetuate a name, the hand of time will shortly tum- 
ble into ruins ; and even the brightest laurels gained by feats of arms may 
wither and be forever blighted by the chilling neglect of mankind. " How 
many illustrious heroes," says the good Boetius, " who were once the pride 
and glory of the age, hath the silence of historians buried in eternal ob- 
livion ! " And this it was that induced the Spartans, when they went to 
battle, solemnly to sacrifice to the Muses, supplicating that their achieve- 
ments might be worthily recorded. Had not Homer tuned his lofty lyre, 
observes the elegant Cicero, the valor of Achilles had remained unsung. 
And such, too, after all the toils and perils he had braved, after all the 
gallant aftions he had achieved, such too had nearly been the fate of the 
chivalric Peter Stiiyvesant, but that I fortunately stepped in and engraved 
his name on the indelible tablet of history, just as the caitiff Time was 
silently brushing it away forever. 

The more I refled, the more I am astonished at the important character 
of the historian. He is the sovereign censor to decide upon the renown 
or infamy of his fellow-men. He is the patron of kings and conquerors, 
on whom it depends whether they shall live in after-ages, or be forgotten 
as were their ancestors before them. The tyrant may oppress while the 
objeft of his tyranny exists ; but the historian possesses superior might, 
for his power extends even beyond the grave. The shades of departed and 
long-forgotten heroes anxiously bend down from above while he writes, 
watching each movement of his pen, whether it shall pass by their names 
with negleft or inscribe them on the deathless pages of renown. Even 
the drop of ink which hangs trembling on his pen, which he may either 
dash upon the floor or waste in idle scrawlings, — that very drop, which 
to him is not worth the twentieth part of a farthing, may be of incalcul- 
able value to some departed worthy, may elevate half a score in one mo- 
ment to immortality, who would have given worlds, had they possessed 
them, to insure the glorious meed. 

Let not my readers imagine, however, that I am indulging in vainglori- 
ous boastings or am anxious to blazon forth the importance of my tribe. 
On the contrary, I shrink when I refled on the awful responsibility we 
historians assume ; I shudder to think what direful commotions and ca- 
lamities we occasion in the world ; I swear to thee, honest reader, as I 
am a man, I weep at the very idea ! Why, let me ask, are so many illus- 

[ 243 ] 



A History of [Bk, 



VI 



trious men daily tearing themselves away from the embraces ot their fami- 
lies, slighting the smiles of beauty, despising the allurements of fortune, 
and exposing themselves to the miseries of war ? Why are kings deso- 
lating empires and depopulating whole countries ? In short, what induces 
all great men of all ages and countries to commit so many viftories and 
misdeeds, and inflift so many miseries upon mankind and upon them- 
selves, but the mere hope that some historian will kindly take them into 
notice and admit them into a corner of his volume ? For, in short, the 
mighty objeft of all their toils, their hardships and privations, is nothing 
but immortal fame. And what is immortal fame? Why, half a page of 
dirty paper ! Alas ! alas ! how humiliating the idea, that the renown of so 
great a man as Peter Sttiyvesant should depend upon the pen of so little 
a man as Diedrich Knickerbocker ! 

And now, having refreshed ourselves after the fatigues and perils of the 
field, it behooves us to return once more to the scene of conflict and in- 
quire what were the results of this renowned conquest. The fortress of 
Christina being the fair metropolis, and in a manner the key to New 
Sweden, its capture was speedily followed by the entire subjugation of the 
province. This was not a little promoted by the gallant and courteous 
deportment of the chivalric Peter. Though a man terrible in battle, yet 
in the hour of victory was he endued with a spirit generous, merciful, 
and humane. He vaunted not over his enemies, nor did he make defeat 
more galling by unmanly insults ; for, like that mirror of knightly virtue, 
the renowned Paladin Orlando, he was more anxious to do great actions 
than to talk of them after they were done. He put no man to death, 
ordered no houses to be burnt down, permitted no ravages to be perpe- 
trated on the property of the vanquished, and even gave one of his brav- 
est officers a severe admonishment with his walking-staff for having been 
detected in the aft of sacking a hen-roost. 

He, moreover, issued a proclamation, inviting the inhabitants to submit 
to the authority of their High Mightinesses ; but declaring, with unex- 
ampled clemency, that whoever refused should be lodged at the public 
expense in a goodly castle provided for the purpose, and have an armed 
retinue to wait on them in the bargain. In consequence of these beneficent 
terms, about thirty Swedes stepped manfully forward and took the oath 
of allegiance, — in reward for which they were graciously permitted to re- 
main on the banks of the Delaware, where their descendants reside at this 
very day. I am told, however, by divers observant travellers, that they 
have never been able to get over the chapfallen looks of their ancestors, 
but that they still do strangely transmit from father to son manifest marks 
of the sound drubbing given them by the sturdy Amsterdammers. 

[ 244 ] 



Ch. ix] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

The whole country o( New Swetkn, having thus yielded to the arms ot 
the triumphant Peter, was reduced to a colony called South River, and 
placed under the superintendence of a lieutenant-governor, subject to the 
control of the supreme government o^ New Amsterdam. This great digni- 
tary was called Mynheer William Beekman, or rather Beck-m-in, who de- 
rived his surname, as did Ovidious Naso of yore, from the lordly dimen- 
sions of his nose, which projected from the centre of his countenance, like 
the beak of a parrot. He was the great progenitor of the tribe of the Beek- 
mans, one of the most ancient and honorable families of the province, the 
members of which do gratefully commemorate the origin of their dig- 
nity, — not as your noble families in England •wovXA. do, by having a glow- 
ing proboscis emblazoned in their escutcheon, but by one and all wear- 
ing a right goodly nose stuck in the very middle of their faces. 
Thus was this perilous enterprise gloriously terminated, with the loss of 
only two men : Wolfert Van Home, a tall, spare man, who was knocked 
overboard by the boom of a sloop in a flaw of wind, and fat Brom Van 
Bummel, who was suddenly carried off by an indigestion ; both, however, 
were immortalized, as having bravely fallen in the service of their coun- 
try. True it is, Peter Stuyvesant had one of his limbs terribly fraftured in 
the ad of storming the fortress ; but, as it was fortunately his wooden leg, 
the wound was promptly and effectually healed. 

And now nothing remains to this branch of my history but to mention 
that this immaculate hero and his viftorious army returned joyously to 
the Manhattoes, where they made a solemn and triumphant entry, bear- 
ing with them the conquered Risingh and the remnant ot his battered 
crew who had refused allegiance ; for it appears that the gigantic Swede 
had only fallen into a swoon, at the end of the battle, from which he 
was speedily restored by a wholesome tweak of the nose. 
These captive heroes were lodged, according to the promise of the gov- 
ernor, at the public expense, in a fair and spacious castle, — being the 
prison of state, of which Stoffel Brinkerhoff, the immortal conqueror of 
Oyster Bay, was appointed governor, and which has ever since remained 
in the possession of his descendants.* 

It was a pleasant and goodly sight to witness the joy of the people of 
New Amsterdam at beholding their warriors once more return from this 
war in the wilderness. The old women thronged round Anthony Van Cor- 
lear, who gave the whole history of the campaign with matchless accu- 
racy, saving that he took the credit of lighting the whole battle himselt, 
and especially of vanquishing the stout Risingh, — which he considered 

*This castle, though very much altered and modernized, is still in being, and stands at the corner 
of Pearl street, facing Coenties slip. 

[ 245 ] 



A History xs'c [Bk 



VI 



himself as clearly entitled to, seeing that it was efFedted by his own 
stone pottle. 

The schoolmasters throughout the town gave holiday to their little ur- 
chins, who followed in droves after the drums, with paper caps on their 
heads and sticks in their breeches, thus taking the first lesson in the art 
of war. As to the sturdy rabble, they thronged at the heels of Peter Stuy- 
vesant wherever he went, waving their greasy hats in the air and shout- 
ing '■'■ Hardkoppig Piet forever !" 

It was, indeed, a day of roaring rout and jubilee. A huge dinner was pre- 
pared at the Stadthouse in honor of the conquerors, where were assem- 
bled in one glorious constellation the great and little luminaries of New 
Amsterdam. There were the lordly Schout and his obsequious deputy ; the 
burgomasters with their officious schepens at their elbows ; the subaltern 
officers at the elbows of the schepens, and so on down to the lowest hang- 
er-on of police, — every tag having his rag at his side, to finish his pipe, 
drink off his heel-taps, and laugh at his flights of immortal dulness. In 
short (for a city feast is a city feast all the world over, and has been a 
city feast ever since the creation), the dinner went off much the same as 
do our great corporation junketings and Fourth-of-July banquets. Loads 
of fish, flesh, and fowl were devoured, oceans of liquor drunk, thousands 
of pipes smoked, and many a dull joke honored with much obstreperous 
fat-sided laughter. 

I must not omit to mention that to this far-famed vi6tory Peter Stuy- 
vesant was indebted for another of his many titles ; for, so hugely delighted 
were the honest burghers with his achievements, that they unanimously 
honored him with the name of Pieter de Groodt, that is to say, Peter the 
Great, or, as it was translated into English by the people of Neiv Amster- 
dam for the benefit of their New Englami visitors, Piet de pig, — an ap- 
pellation which he maintained even unto the day of his death. 




[ 246 ] 



BOOK VII 

Containing 
The Third Part of the Reign of 

His Troubles with the British Nation and 
The Decline and Fall of the 

Dutch Dynasty 



1 



BOOK VII 



Chapter i 



HOW Peter Stuyvesant relieved the Sovereign People frotn 

the Burthen of taking care of the Nation ; with sundry particulars of his ConduB 
in Time of Peace ^ and of tlie Rise of a Great Dutch Aristocracy. 

THE history of the reign of Peter Stuyvesant furnishes an edi- 
fying picture of the cares and vexations inseparable from sov- 
ereignty, and a solemn warning to all who are ambitious of 
attaining the seat of honor. Though returning in triumph 
and crowned with victory, his exultation was checked on ob- 
serving the abuses which had sprung up in New Amsterdam during his 
short absence. His walking-staff, which he had sent home to a6l as his vice- 
gerent, had, it is true, kept his council-chamber in order, — the counsel- 
lors eying it with awe, as it lay in grim repose upon the table, and smok- 
ing their pipes in silence, — but its control extended not out-of-doors. 
The populace unfortunately had had too much their own way under the 
slack though fitful reign of William the Testy ; and though upon the ac- 
cession of Peter Stuyvesant they had felt, with the instintfive perception 
which mobs as well as cattle possess, that the reins of government had 
passed into stronger hands, yet could they not help fretting and chafing 
and champing upon the bit in restive silence. 

Scarcely, therefore, had he departed on his expedition against the Swedes 
than the old factions of Willuim Kieffs reign had again thrust their heads 
above-water. Pot-house meetings were again held to "discuss the state 
of the nation," where cobblers, tinkers, and tailors, the self-dubbed 
"friends of the people," once more felt themselves inspired with the 
gift of legislation and undertook to lefture on every movement of gov- 
ernment. 

Now, as Peter Stuyvesant had a singular inclination to govern the province 
by his individual will, his first move, on his return, was to put a stop to 
this gratuitous legislation. Accordingly, one evening, when an inspired 
cobbler was holding forth to an assemblage of the kind, the intrepid Peter 

[ 249 ] 



A History of [Bk. 



VII 



suddenly made his appearance, with his ominous walking-staff in his hand 
and a countenance sufficient to petrity a mill-stone. The whole meeting 
was thrown into confusion, the orator stood aghast, with open mouth 
and trembling knees, while "horror! tyranny! liberty! rights! taxes! 
death ! destruction !" and a host of other patriotic phrases were bolted 
forth before he had time to close his lips. Peter took no notice of the 
skulking throng, but strode up to the brawling bully-ruffian, and, pulling 
out a huge silver watch, which might have served in times of yore as a 
town-clock, and which is still retained by his descendants as a family 
curiosity, requested the orator to mend it and set it going. The orator 
humbly confessed it was utterly out of his power, as he was unacquainted 
with the nature of its construction. "Nay, but," said Peter, "try your in- 
genuity, man ; you see all the springs and wheels, and how easily the 
clumsiest hand may stop it and pull it to pieces, and why should it not 
be equally easy to regulate as to stop it } " The orator declared that his 
trade was wholly different, — that he was a poor cobbler, and had never 
meddled with a watch in his life, — that there were men skilled in the 
art, whose business it was to attend to those matters ; but, for his part, he 
should only mar the workmanship and put the whole in confusion. " Why, 
harkee, master of mine," cried Peter, turning suddenly upon him, with 
a countenance that almost petrified the patcher of shoes into a perfect 
lapstone, "dost thou pretend to meddle with the movements of gov- 
ernment, — to regulate, and correal, and patch, and cobble a complicated 
machine, the principles of which are above thy comprehension, and its 
simplest operations too subtle for thy understanding, when thou canst 
not correft a trifling error in a common piece of mechanism, the whole 
mystery of which is open to thy inspeCfion 1 Hence with thee to the 
leather and stone, which are emblems of thy head ; cobble thy shoes, and 
confine thyself to the vocation for which Heaven has fitted thee. But," 
elevating his voice until it made the welkin ring, "if ever I catch thee, 
or any of thy tribe, meddling again with the affairs of government, by 
St. Nicholas, but I '11 have every mother's bastard of ye flayed alive, and 
your hides stretched for drum-heads, that ye may thenceforth make a noise 
to some purpose !" 

This threat, and the tremendous voice in which it was uttered, caused 
the whole multitude to quake with fear. The hair of the orator rose on 
his head like his own swines' bristles, and not a knight of the thimble 
present but his heart died within him, and he felt as though he could 
have verily escaped through the eye of a needle. The assembly dispersed 
in silent consternation ; the pseudo-statesmen, who had hitherto under- 
taken to regulate public affairs, were now fain to stay at home, hold their 

[ 250 ] 



Ch. i] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

tongues, and take care of their families ; and party feuds died away to such 
a degree that many thriving keepers of taverns and dram-shops were ut- 
terly ruined for want of business. But, though this measure produced the 
desired effect in putting an extinguisher on the new lights just brighten- 
ing up, yet did it tend to injure the popularity of the Great Peter with 
the thinking part of the community, — that is to say, that part which thinks 
for others instead of for themselves, or, in other words, who attend to 
everybody's business but their own. These accused the old governor of 
being highly aristocratical ; and, in truth, there seems to have been some 
ground for such an accusation, — for he carried himself with a lofty, sol- 
dier-like air, and was somewhat particular in his dress, appearing, when 
not in uniform, in rich apparel of the antique Flaunderish cut, and was es- 
pecially noted for having his sound leg (which was a very comely one) 
always arrayed in a red stocking and high-heeled shoe. 
Justice he often dispensed in the primitive patriarchal way, seated on the 
"stoep" before his door, under the shade of a great button-wood tree ; 
but all visits of form and state were received with something of court cere- 
mony in the best parlor, where Anthony the TTrumpeter officiated as high 
chamberlain. On public occasions he appeared with great pomp of equi- 
page, and always rode to church in a yellow wagon with flaming red 
wheels. 

These symptoms of state and ceremony, as we have hinted, were much 
cavilled at by the thinking (and talking) part of the community. They 
had been accustomed to find easy access to their former governors, and 
in particular had lived on terms of extreme intimacy with William the 
'Testy ; and they accused Peter Stuyvesant of assuming too much official dig- 
nity and reserve, and of wrapping himself in mystery. Others, however, 
have pretended to discover in all this a shrewd policy on the part ot the old 
governor. It is certainly of the first importance, say they, that a country 
should be governed by wise men ; but then it is almost equally impor- 
tant that the people should think them wise, for this belief alone can pro- 
duce willing subordination. To keep up, however, this desirable confi- 
dence in rulers, the people should be allowed to see as little of them as 
possible. It is the mystery which envelops great men that gives them 
half their greatness. There is a kind of superstitious reverence for office 
which leads us to exaggerate the merits of the occupant, and to suppose 
that he must be wiser than common men. He, however, who gains ac- 
cess to cabinets soon finds out by what foolishness the world is governed. 
He finds that there is quackery in legislation as in everything else ; that 
rulers have their whims and errors as well as other men, and are not so 
wonderfully superior as he had imagined, since even he may occasionally 

[ 251 ] 



A History of [Bk.vh 



confute them in argument. Thus awe subsides into confidence, confidence 
inspires familiarity, and familiarity produces contempt. Such was the case, 
say they, with William the Testy. By making himself too easy of access, 
he enabled every scrub-politician to measure wits with him, and to find 
out the true dimensions not only of his person but of his mind, and thus 
it was that by being familiarly scanned he was discovered to be a very 
little man. Peter Stuyvesant, on the contrary, say they, by conducing him- 
self with dignity and loftiness, was looked up to with great reverence. 
As he never gave his reasons for anything he did, the public gave him 
credit for very profound ones ; every movement, however intrinsically 
unimportant, was a matter of speculation, and his very red stockings ex- 
cited some resped as being different from the stockings of other men. 
Another charge against Peter Stuyvesant was that he had a great leaning 
in favor of the patricians ; and, indeed, in his time rose many of those 
mighty Dutch families which have taken such vigorous root and branched 
out so luxuriantly in our State. Some, to be sure, were of earlier date, 
such as the Van Kortlandts, the Van Zandts, the Ten Broecks, the Harden 
Broecks, and others of Pavonian renown, who gloried in the title of" Dis- 
coverers," from having been engaged in the nautical expedition from 
Communipaw, in which they so heroically braved the terrors of Hell-gate 
and Buttermilk Channel, and discovered a site for New Amsterdam. 
Others claimed to themselves the appellation of" Conquerors," from their 
gallant achievements in New Sweden and their viftory over the Yankees 
at Oyster Bay. Such was that list of warlike worthies heretofore enume- 
rated, beginning with the Van Wycks, the Van Dycks, and the Ten Eycks, 
and extending to the Rutgers, the Bensons, the Brinkerhqfs, and the Scher- 
merhorns, — a roll equal to the Doomsday-Book of fVilliam the Co7}queror, 
and establishing the heroic origin of many an ancient aristocratical Dutch 
family. These, after all, are the only legitimate nobility and lords of the 
soil ; these are the real "beavers of the Manhattoes ;'' and much does it 
grieve me in modern days to see them elbowed aside by foreign in- 
vaders, and more especially by those ingenious people, "the Sons of the 
Pilgrims," who out-bargain them in the market, out-speculate them on 
the exchange, out-top them in fortune, and run up mushroom palaces 
so high that the Dutch family mansion has not wind enough left for its 
weathercock. 

In the proud days of Peter Stuyvesant, however, the good old Dutch aris- 
tocracy loomed out in all its grandeur. The burly burgher, in round- 
crowned Flaunderish hat with brim of vast circumference, in portly gab- 
erdine and bulbous multiplicity of breeches, sat on his "stoep" and 
smoked his pipe in lordly silence ; nor did it ever enter his brain that the 

[ 252 ] 



Ch. i] N E W Y O R K &^C. 

aftive, restless Tatikee whom he saw through his half-shut eyes worrying 
about in dogday heat, ever intent on the main chance, was one day to 
usurp control over these goodly Dutch domains. Already, however, the 
races regarded each other with disparaging eyes. The Yankees sneeringly 
spoke of the round-crowned burghers of the Manhattoes as the " Copper- 
heads^' while the latter, glorying in their own nether rotundity, and ob- 
serving the slack galligaskins of the Yankees flapping like an empty sail 
against the mast, retorted upon them with the opprobrious appellation 
of " P latter-breeches r 



Chap. 

[ 253 ] 



Chapter i i 



HOW Peter Stuyvesant labored to civilize the Comtnunity ; 
Hoiv he was a great Promoter of Holidays ; How he instituted Kissing on New- 
Tear s day ; How lie distributed Fiddles throughout the New Netherlands ; How 
he ventured to reform the Ladies^ Petticoats, and how he caught a Tartar. 

FROM what I have recounted in the foregoing chapter, I would 
not have it imagined that the great Peter was a tyrannical po- 
tentate ruling with a rod of iron. On the contrary, where the 
dignity of office permitted, he abounded in generosity and con- 
descension. If he refused the brawling multitude the right ot 
misrule, he at least endeavored to rule them in righteousness. To spread 
abundance in the land, he obliged the bakers to give thirteen loaves to 
the dozen, — a golden rule which remains a monument of his beneficence. 
So far from indulging in unreasonable austerity, he delighted to see the 
poor and the laboring man rejoice, — and for this purpose he was a great 
promoter of holidays. Under his reign there was a great cracking of eggs 
at Paas, or Easter ; Whitsuntide, or Pinxter, also flourished in all its bloom, 
and never were stockings better filled on the eve of the blessed St. Nicholas. 
New-Year's day, however, was his favorite l^estival, and was ushered in 
by the ringing of bells and firing of guns. On that genial day the foun- 
tains of hospitality were broken up, and the whole community was de- 
luged with cherry-brandy, true Hollatids, and mulled cider ; every house 
was a temple to the jolly god, and many a provident vagabond got drunk 
out of pure economy — taking in liquor enough gratis to serve him half 
a year afterwards. 

The great assemblage, however, was at the governor's house, whither re- 
paired all the burghers oi New Amsterdam with their wives and daughters, 
pranked out in their best attire. On this occasion the good Peter was de- 
voutly observant of the pious Dutch rite of kissing the women-kind for 
a Happy New Year, and it is traditional that Anthony the Trufnpcter, who 
a(5ted as gentleman usher, took toll of all who were young and hand- 
some as they passed through the antechamber. This venerable custom, 
thus happily introduced, was followed with such zeal by high and low, 
that on New- Year's day, during the reign of Peter Stuyvesant, New Am- 
sterdam was the most thoroughly be-kissed community in all Christen- 
dom. Another great measure of Peter Stuyvesant for public improvement 

[ 254 ] 



Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K ?^C. 



was the distribution of fiddles throughout the land. These were placed 
in the hands of veteran negroes, who were dispatched as missionaries to 
every part of the province. This measure, it is said, was first suggested 
by Anthony the Trumpeter^ and the effeft was marvellous. Instead ot those 
" indignation meetings "set on foot in the time oi William the Testy,viheTQ 
men met together to rail at public abuses, groan over the evils of the 
times, and make each other miserable, there were joyous gatherings ot 
the two sexes to dance and make merry. Now were instituted "quilting 
bees," and " husking bees," and other rural assemblages, where, under the 
inspiring influence of the fiddle, toil was enlivened by gayety and fol- 
lowed up by the dance. " Raising bees" also were frequent, where houses 
sprung up at the wagging of the fiddle-sticks, as the walls of Thebes sprang 
up of yore to the sound of the lyre of Amphion. 

Jolly Autumn, which pours its treasures over hill and dale, was in those 
days a season for the lifting of the heel as well as the heart ; labor came 
dancing in the train of abundance, and frolic prevailed throughout the 
land. Happy days ! when the yeomanry of the Nieuw Nederlands were 
merry rather than wise, and when the notes of the fiddle, those harbingers 
of good-humor and good-will, resounded at the close of the day from every 
hamlet along the Hudson ! 

Nor was it in rural communities alone that Peter Stuyvesant introduced 
his favorite engine of civilization. Under his rule the fiddle acquired that 
potent sway in New Amsterdam which it has ever since retained. Weekly 
assemblies were held, not in heated ball-rooms at midnight hours, but 
on Saturday afternoons, by the golden light of the sun, on the green lawn 

of the Battery, with Anthony the Trumpeter for master of ceremonies. 

Here would the good Peter take his seat under the spreading trees, among 
the old burghers and their wives, and watch the mazes of the dance. 
Here would he smoke his pipe, crack his joke, and forget the rugged 
toils of war in the sweet oblivious festivities of peace, giving a nod of 
approbation to those of the young men who shuflled and kicked most vig- 
orously, — and now and then a hearty smack, in all honesty of soul, to the 
buxom lass who held out longest and tired down every competitor, — in- 
fallible proof of her being the best dancer. 

Once, it is true, the harmony of these meetings was in danger of inter- 
ruption. A young belle, just returned from a visit to Holland, who of 
course led the fashions, made her appearance in not more than half a 
dozen petticoats, and these of alarming shortness. A whisper and a flutter 
ran through the assembly. The young men, of course, were lost in ad- 
miration; but the old ladies were shocked in the extreme, especially those 
who had marriageable daughters; the young ladies blushed and felt ex- 

[ 255 ] 



A History c^r. [Bk 



VII 



cessively for the "poor thing," and even the governor himself appeared 
to be in some kind of perturbation. 

To complete the confusion of the good folks, she undertook, in the course 
of a jig, to describe some figures in algebra taught her by a dancing-master 
at Rotterdam. Unfortunately, at the highest flourish of her feet some vaga- 
bond zephyr obtruded his services, and a display of the graces took place, 
at which all the ladies present were thrown into great consternation ; 
several grave country members were not a little moved, and the good 
Peter Stuyvesant himself was grievously scandalized. 
The shortness of the females' dress, which had continued in fashion ever 
since the days of Willhim Kieft, had long offended his eye ; and though 
extremely averse to meddling with the petticoats of the ladies, yet he im- 
mediately recommended that every one should be furnished with a flounce 
to the bottom. He likewise ordered that the ladies, and indeed the gen- 
tlemen, should use no other step in dancing than "shuffle and turn" and 
" double trouble," and forbade, under pain of his high displeasure, any 
young lady thenceforth to attempt what was termed "exhibiting the 
graces." 

These were the only restriftions he ever imposed upon the sex, and these 
were considered by them as tyrannical oppressions, and resisted with that 
becoming spirit manifested by the gentle sex whenever their privileges 
are invaded. In fad:, Anthony Van Corlear, who, as has been shown, was 
a sagacious man, experienced in the ways of women, took a private oc- 
casion to intimate to the governor that a conspiracy was forming among 
the juffrouws of New Amsterdam, and that if the matter were pushed 
any further there was danger of their leaving off petticoats altogether ; 
whereupon the good Peter shrugged his shoulders, dropped the subjeft, 
and ever after suffered the women to wear their petticoats and cut their 
capers as high as they pleased, — a privilege which they have jealously 
maintained in the Manhattoes unto the present day. 



Chap. 

[ 256] 



Chapter i i i 



HOW Troubles thickened on the Province ; How it is threat- 
ened by the Helderbergers, the Merrylanders, and the Giants of the Sus- 
quehanna. 

IN the last two chapters I have regaled the reader with a delegable 
picture of the good Peter and his metropolis during an interval of 
peace. It was, however, but a bit of blue sky in a stormy day ; the 
clouds are again gathering up from all points of the compass, and, 
if I am not mistaken in my forebodings, we shall have rattling 
weather in the ensuing chapters. 

It is with some communities as it is with certain meddlesome individ- 
uals : they have a wonderful facility at getting into scrapes, and I have 
always remarked that those are most prone to get in who have the least 
talent at getting out again. This is doubtless owing to the excessive valor 
of those states ; for, I have likewise noticed that this rampant quality is 
always most frothy and fussy where most confined, — which accounts for 
its vaporing so amazingly in little states, little men and ugly little wo- 
men more especially. 

Such is the case with this little province of the Nieiiw Nederlands, which, 
by its exceeding valor, has already drawn upon itself a host of enemies, 
has had fighting enough to satisfy a province of twice its size, and is in a 
fair way of becoming an exceedingly forlorn, well-belabored, and woe- 
begone little province, — all which was providentially ordered to give in- 
terest and sublimity to this pathetic history. 

The first interruption to the halcyon quiet oi Peter Stuyvesant ^2S caused 
by hostile intelligence from the old belligerent nest of Rensellaerstein. 
Killian, the lordly patroon oi Rensellaerwick, was again in the field, at the 
head of his myrmidons of the He/derberg, seeking to annex the whole of 
the Kaats-kUl Mountains to his dominions. The Indian tribes of these 
mountains had likewise taken up the hatchet and menaced the venerable 
Dutch settlement of Esopus. 

Fain would I entertain the reader with the triumphant campaign oi Peter 
Slttyvesant in the haunted regions of those mountains, but that I hold all 
Indian conflifts to be mere barbaric brawls, unworthy of the pen which 
has recorded the classic war of Fort Christina ; and as to these Helder- 
berg commotions, they are among the flatulencies which from time to 

[ 257 ] 



A History of [Bk. vn 

time afflift the bowels of this ancient province, as with a wind-colic, and 
which I deem it seemly and decent to pass over in silence. 
The next storm of trouble was from the south. Scarcely had the worthy 
Mynheer Beekman got warm in the seat of authority on the South River 
than enemies began to spring up all around him. Hard by was a formid- 
able race of savages inhabiting the gentle region watered by the Susque- 
hanna, of whom the following mention is made by Master Harlot in his 
excellent history : 

"The Susquesahanocks are a giantly people, strange in proportion, behav- 
iour and attire — their voice sounding from them as out of a cave. Their 
tobacco-pipes were three-quarters of a yard long ; carVed at the great end 
with a bird, beare, or other device, sufficient to beat out the braines of a 
horse. The calfe of one of their legges measured three-quarters of a yard 
about; the rest of the limbs proportionable."* 

These gigantic savages and smokers caused no little disquiet in the mind 
of Mynheer Beekman, threatening to cause a famine of tobacco in the 
land ; but his most formidable enemy was the roaring, roistering Eng- 
lish colony of Maryland, or, as it was anciently written. Merry land, — 
so called because the inhabitants, not having the fear of the Lord before 
their eyes, were prone to make merry and get fuddled with mint-julep 
and apple-toddy. They were, moreover, great horse-racers and cock- 
fighters, mighty wrestlers and jumpers, and enormous consumers of hoe- 
cake and bacon. They lay claim to be the first inventors of those recon- 
dite beverages, cock-tail, stone-fence, and sherry-cobbler, and to have 
discovered the gastronomical merits of terrapins, soft crabs, and canvas- 
back ducks. 

This rantipole colony, founded by Lord Baltimore, a British nobleman, was 
managed by his agent, a swaggering Englishman, commonly called Fen- 
dall, that is to say, " offend all," — a name given him for his bullying pro- 
pensities. These were seen in a message to Mynheer Beekman, threatening 
him, unless he immediately swore allegiance to Lord Baltimore as the 
rightful lord of the soil, to come, at the head of the roaring boys of M'rry- 
Az/z^and the giants of the Susquehanna, and sweep him and his Neder landers 
out of the country. 

The trusty sword oi Peter Stuyvesant almost leaped from its scabbard when 
he received missives from Mynheer Beek?nan, informing him of the swag- 
gering menaces of the bully Fendall ; and as to the giantly warriors of 
the Susquehanna, nothing would have more delighted him than a bout, 
hand to hand, with half a score of them, having never encountered a giant 



' Harkt's Journal, Purch. Pilgrims. 

[ 258 ] 



ch.iii] New York ^c. 

in the whole course of his campaigns, unless we may consider the stout 
Rising/! as such — and he was but a little one. 

Nothing prevented his marching instantly to the Sout/i River and en- 
a6ling scenes still more glorious than those of Fort Christina^ but the ne- 
cessity of first putting a stop to the increasing aggressions and inroads of 
the Yankees, so as not to leave an enemy in his rear ; but he wrote to 
Mynheer Beekman to keep up a bold front and stout heart, promising, 
as soon as he had settled affairs in the east, that he would hasten to the 
south with his burly warriors of the Hudson, to lower the crests of the 
giants and mar the merriment of the Merry landers. 



Chap 

[ 259 ] 



Chapter i 



HOW Peter Stuyvesant adventured into the East Country^ 
and how he fared there. 

TO explain the apparently sudden movement of P^/tT&wyy^j^w/ 
against the crafty men of the east country, I would observe 
that, during his campaigns on the South River and in the 
enchanted regions of the Catskill Mountains, the twelvej 
tribes of the East had been more than usually adtive in prose- 
cuting their subtle scheme for the subj ugation of the Nieiiw Neder lands. 
Independent of the incessant maraudings among henroosts and squat-j 
tings along the border, invading armies would penetrate, from time to! 
time, into the very heart of the country. As their prototypes of yore went] 
forth into the land of Canaan, with their wives and their children, their] 
men-servants and their maid-servants, their flocks and herds, to settle] 
themselves down in the land and possess it, so these chosen people of] 
modern days would progress through the country in patriarchal style,! 
conducing carts and wagons laden with household furniture, with wo-l 
men and children piled on top and pots and kettles dangling beneath.] 
At the tails of these vehicles would stalk a crew of long-limbed, lank- 
sided varlets, with axes on their shoulders and packs on their backs, reso- 
lutely bent upon "locating" themselves, as they termed it, and improv- 
ing the country. These were the most dangerous kind of invaders. It is 
true they were guilty of no overt afts of hostility, but it was notorious 
that wherever they got a footing the honest Dutchmen gradually disap- 
peared, retiring slowly, as do the Indians before the white men, being in 
some way or other talked and chaffed, and bargained and swapped, and, 
in plain English, elbowed out of all those rich bottoms and fertile nooks 
in which our Dutch yeomanry are prone to nestle themselves. 
Peter Stuyvesant was at length roused to this kind of war in disguise, by 
which the Yankees were craftily aiming to subjugate his dominions. He 
was a man easily taken in, it is true, as all great-hearted men are apt to 
be ; but, if he once found it out, his wrath was terrible. He now threw 
diplomacy to the dogs — determined to appear no more by ambassadors, 
but to repair in person to the great council of the AmphiByons, bearing 
the sword in one hand and the olive-branch in the other, and giving 
them their choice of sincere and honest peace or open and iron war. 

[ 260 ] 



Ch. iv] N E W Y O R K &^C 



His privy councillors were astonished and dismayed when he announced 
his determination. For once they ventured to remonstrate, setting forth 
the rashness of venturing his sacred person in the midst of a strange and 
barbarous people. They might as well have tried to turn a rusty weather- 
cock with a broken-winded bellows. In the fiery heart of the iron-headed 
Peter sat enthroned the five kinds of courage described by Aristotle^ and 
had the philosopher enumerated five hundred more, I verily believe he 
would have possessed them all. As to that better part of valor called dis- 
cretion, it was too cold-blooded a virtue for his tropical temperament. 
Summoning, therefore, to his presence his trusty follower, Anthony Van 
Corlear, he commanded him to hold himself in readiness to accompany 
him the following morning on this his hazardous enterprise. Now, Anthony 
the Trumpeter was by this time a little stricken in years, but, by dint of 
keeping up a good heart and having never known care or sorrow (hav- 
ing never been married), he was still a hearty, jocund, rubicund, game- 
some wag, and of great capacity in the doublet. This last was ascribed 
to his living a jolly life on those domains at the Hook which Peter 
Stuyvesant had granted to him for his gallantry at Fori Cashnir. 
Be this as it may, there was nothing that more delighted Anthony than 
this command of the great Peter, for he could have followed the stout- 
hearted old governor to the world's end with love and loyalty ; and he 
moreover still remembered the frolicking, and dancing, and bundling, and 
other disports of the east country, and entertained dainty recolledions of 
numerous kind and buxom lasses whom he longed exceedingly again to 
encounter. 

Thus, then, did this mirror of hardihood set forth, with no other atten- 
dant but his trumpeter, upon one of the most perilous enterprises ever 
recorded in the annals of knight-errantry. For a single warrior to venture 
openly among a whole nation of foes, — but, above all, for a plain down- 
right Dutchman to think of negotiating with the whole council of New 
England ! — never was there known a more desperate undertaking ! Ever 
since I have entered upon the chronicles of this peerless but hitherto un- 
celebrated chieftain has he kept me in a state of incessant aftion and 
anxiety with the toils and dangers he is constantly encountering. Oh ! 
for a chapter of the tranquil reign of Wouter Van Twiller, that I might 
repose on it as on a feather-bed ! 

Is it not enough, Peter Stuyvesatrt, that I have once already rescued thee 
from the machinations of these terrible AmphiByons, by bringing the 
powers of witchcraft to thine aid ? Is it not enough, that I have followed 
thee undaunted, like a guardian spirit, into the midst of the horrid battle 
of Fort Christina? — that I have been put incessantly to my trumps to 

[ ^6i ] 



A History of [Bk. 



VII 



keep thee safe and sound, — now warding off with my single pen the 
shower of dastard blows that fell upon thy rear, — now narrowly shield- 
ing thee from a deadly thrust, by a mere tobacco-box, — now casing thy 
dauntless skull with adamant, when even thy stubborn ram-beaver failed 
to resist the sword of the stout Risiiigh, — and now, not merely bringing 
thee off alive, but triumphant, from the clutches of the gigantic Siccde^ 
by the desperate means of a paltry stone pottle? Is not all this enough, 
but must thou still be plunging into new difficulties and hazarding in 
headlong enterprises thyself, thy trumpeter, and thy historian ? 
And now the ruddy-faced Aurora, like a buxom chambermaid, draws 
aside the sable curtains of the night, and out bounces from his bed the 
jolly red-haired Phcebus, startled at being caught so late in the embraces 
of Dame Thetis. With many a stable-boy oath he harnesses his brazen- 
footed steeds, and whips, and lashes, and splashes up the tirmament, like 
a loitering coachman half an hour behind his time. And now behold that 
imp of fame and prowess, the headstrong Peter, bestriding a raw-boned, 
switch-tailed charger, gallantly arrayed in full regimentals, and bracing 
on his thigh that trusty brass-hiked sword which had wrought such fear- 
ful deeds on the banks of the Delaware. 

Behold, hard after him, his doughty trumpeter. Van Cor/ear, mounted on 
a broken-winded, wall-eyed, calico mare, his stone pottle, which had laid 
low the mighty Risingh, slung under his arm, and his trumpet displayed 
vauntingly in his right hand, decorated with a gorgeous banner on which 
is emblazoned the great beaver of the Manhattoes. See them proudly is- 
suing out of the city-gate, like an iron-clad hero of yore, with his faith- 
ful squire at his heels, the populace following with their eyes, and shout- 
ing many a parting wish and hearty cheering. — Farewell, Hardkoppig Piet ! 
Farewell, honest Anthony ! Pleasant be your wayfaring — prosperous your 
return ! The stoutest hero that ever drew a sword, and the worthiest 
trumpeter that ever trod shoe-leather. 

Legends are lamentably silent about the events that befell our adven- 
turers in this their adventurous travel, excepting the Stuyvesant manu- 
script, which gives the substance of a pleasant little heroic poem written 
on the occasion by Dominie Mgidius Luyck,^ who appears to have been 
the poet-laureate of New Amsterdam. This inestimable manuscript assures 
us that it was a rare spectacle to behold the great Peter and his loyal 
follower hailing the morning sun, and rejoicing in the clear countenance 
of nature, as they pranced it through the pastoral scenes oiBloemen Dael — 

* This Luyck was, moreover, reftor of the Latin School in Nieutv N ederlands, 1663. There are two 
pieces addressed to jEgidius Luyck in D. Selyri's MSS. of poesies, upon his marriage with Judith 
Isendoorn. Old MS. 



[ 262 ] 



Ch.iv] N e w Y o r k c^r. 

which, in those days, was a sweet and rural valley, beautified with many 
a bright wild-flower, refreshed by many a pure streamlet, and enlivened 
here and there by a delegable little Dutch cottage, sheltered under some 
sloping hill and almost buried in embowering trees. 
Now did they enter upon the confines of ConncBici/t, where they encoun- 
tered many grievous difficulties and perils. At one place they were as- 
sailed by a troop of country squires and militia colonels, who, mounted 
on goodly steeds, hung upon their rear for several miles, harassing them 
exceedingly with guesses and questions, more especially the worthy P^/fr, 
whose silver-chased leg excited not a little marvel. At another place, hard 
by the renowned town oi Stamford, they were set upon by a great and mighty 
legion of church-deacons, who imperiously demanded of them five shil- 
lings for travelling on Sunday, and threatened to carry them captive to a 
neighboring church, whose steeple peered above the trees ; but these the 
valiant Peter put to rout with little difficulty, insomuch that they bestrode 
their canes and galloped off in horrible confusion, leaving their cocked 
hats behind in the hurry of their flight. But not so easily did he escape 
from the hands of a crafty man of Pyquag, who, with undaunted per- 
severance and repeated onsets, fairly bargained him out of his goodly 
switch-tailed charger, leaving in place thereof a villanous, foundered 
Narraganset pacer. 

But maugre all these hardships, they pursued their journey cheerily along 
the course of the soft-flowing ConneBicut, whose gentle waves, says the 
song, roll through many a fertile vale and sunny plain, — now reflecting 
the lofty spires of the bustling city, and now the rural beauties of the 
humble hamlet, — now echoing with the busy hum of commerce, and 
now with the cheerful song of the peasant. 

At every town would Peter Stuyvesant, who was noted for warlike punc- 
tilio, order the sturdy Anthony to sound a courteous salutation, though 
the manuscript observes that the inhabitants were thrown into great dis- 
may when they heard of his approach, for the fame of his incompara- 
ble achievements on the Delaware had spread throughout the east coun- 
try, and they dreaded lest he had come to take vengeance on their 
manifold transgressions. 

But the good Peter rode through these towns with a smiling aspecfl, 
waving his hand with inexpressible majesty and condescension, for he 
verily believed that the old clothes which these ingenious people had 
thrust into their broken windows, and the festoons of dried apples and 
peaches which ornamented the fronts of their houses, were so many dec- 
orations in honor of his approach, as it was the custom in the days of chiv- 
alry to compliment renowned heroes by sumptuous displays of tapestry 

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A History '^c. [Bk. vn 



and gorgeous furniture. The women crowded to the doors to gaze upon 
him as he passed, so much does prowess in arms delight the gentle sex. 
The little children, too, ran after him in troops, staring with wonder at 
his regimentals, his brimstone breeches, and the silver garniture of his 
wooden leg. Nor must I omit to mention the joy which many strapping 
wenches betrayed at beholding the jovial Van Cor/ear, who had whilom 
delighted them so much with his trumpet, when he bore the great Peters 
challenge to the Amphi£iyons. The kind-hearted ^«///(5«_y alighted from his 
calico mare and kissed them all with infinite loving-kindness, and was 
right pleased to see a crew of little trumpeters crowding around him for 
his blessing, each of whom he patted on the head, bade him be a good 
boy, and gave him a penny to buy molasses candy. 



Cha 

[264] 



Chapter v 



HOW the Yankees secretly sought the Aid of the British 

Cabinet in their Hostile Schemes against the Manhattoes. 

NrOW, so it happened that while the great and good Peter 
Stuyvesant, followed by his trusty squire, was making his 
chivalric progress through the east country, a dark and dire- 
ful scheme of war against his beloved province was forming 
in that nursery of monstrous projects, the British Cabinet. 
This, we are confidently informed, was the result of the secret instiga- 
tions of the great council of the league, who, finding themselves totally 
incompetent to vie in arms with the heavy-sterned warriors of the Man- 
hattoes and their iron-headed commander, sent emissaries to the British 
government, setting forth in eloquent language the wonders and delights 
of this delicious little Dutch Canaan, and imploring that a force might 
be sent out to invade it by sea, while they should cooperate by land. 
These emissaries arrived at a critical juncture, just as the British Lion was 
beginning to bristle up his mane- and wag his tail ; for we are assured by 
the anonymous writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript that the astounding 
viftory of Peter Stuyvesant at Fort Christina had resounded throughout 
Europe, and his annexation of the territory oi New Sweden had awakened 
the jealousy of the British Cabinet for their wild lands at the south. This 
jealousy was brought to a head by the representations of Lord Baltimore, 
who declared that the territory thus annexed lay within the lands granted 
to him by the British crown, and he claimed to be proteded in his rights. 
Lord Sterling, another British subject, claimed the whole of Nassau, or 
Long Island, once the Ophir of William the Testy, but now the kitchen- 
garden of the Manhattoes, which he declared to be British territory by the 
right of discovery, but unjustly usurped by the Neder landers. The result 
of all these rumors and representations was a sudden zeal, on the part of 
his Majesty Charles the Second, for the safety and well-being of his transat- 
lantic possessions, in which he included, of course, the whole province 
of the New Netherlands. Of this he made a present to his brother, the 
Duke of Tork, — a donation truly royal, since none but great sovereigns 
have a right to give away what does not belong to them. That this mu- 
nificent gift might not be merely nominal, his Majesty ordered that an 
armament should be straightway dispatched to invade the city of New 

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A History k^c. [Bk. vn 

Amsterdam by land and water, and put his brother in complete possession 
of the premises. 

Thus critically situated are the affairs of the New Neder landers. While 
the honest burghers are smoking their pipes in sober security, and the 
privy councillors are snoring in the council-chamber, — while Peter the 
Headstrong is undauntedly making his way through the east country in 
the confident hope by honest words and manly deeds to bring the grand 
council to terms, — a hostile fleet is sweeping like a thunder-cloud across 
the Atlantic, soon to rattle a storm of war about the ears of the dozing 
Nederlanders and to put the mettle of their governor to the trial. 
But, come what may, I here pledge my veracity that in all warlike con- 
flicts and doubtful perplexities he will ever acquit himself like a gallant, 
noble-minded, obstinate old cavalier. — Forward, then, to the charge ! 
Shine out, propitious stars, on the renowned city of the Manhattoes, and 
the blessing of &. Nicholas go with thee — honest Peter Stuyvesant. 



I 



Ch 

[ 266 ] 



Chapter vi 



OF Peter Stuyvesant's Expedition into the East Country^ 
showing that, though an old Bird, he did not understand 'Trap. 

GREAT nations resemble great men in this particular, that 
their greatness is seldom known until they get in trouble ; 
adversity, therefore, has been wisely denominated the ordeal 
of true greatness, which, like gold, can never receive its real 
estimation until it has passed through the furnace. In pro- 
portion, therefore, as a nation, a community, or an individual (possessing 
the inherent quality of greatness) is involved in perils and misfortunes, 
in proportion does it rise in grandeur, and, even when sinking under ca- 
lamity, makes, like a house on fire, a more glorious display than ever it 
did in the fairest period of its prosperity. 

The vast empire of China, though teeming with population and imbib- 
ing and concentrating the wealth of nations, has vegetated through a suc- 
cession of drowsy ages, and, were it not for its internal revolution and 
the subversion of its ancient government by the Tartars, might have pre- 
sented nothing but a dull detail of monotonous prosperity. Pompeii and 
Herculaneum might have passed into oblivion, with a herd of their con- 
temporaries, had they not been fortunately overwhelmed by a volcano. 
The renowned city of Troy acquired celebrity only from its ten years' dis- 
tress and final confiagration ; Paris rose in importance by the plots and 
massacres which ended in the exaltation oi Napoleon ; and even the mighty 
London has skulked through the records of time, celebrated for nothing 
of moment excepting the plague, the great fire, and Guy Fauxs gun- 
powder plot ! Thus cities and empires creep along, enlarging in silent 
obscurity, until they burst forth in some tremendous calamity, and 
snatch, as it were, immortality from the explosion ! 
The above principle being admitted, my reader will plainly perceive that 
the city of New Amsterdam and its dependent province are on the high- 
road to greatness. Dangers and hostilities threaten from every side, and 
it is really a matter of astonishment how so small a state has been able, 
in so short a time, to entangle itself in so many difficulties. Ever since 
the province was first taken by the nose, at the Fort of Goed Hoop, in 
the tranquil days of Wouter Van Twiller, has it been gradually increas- 
ing in historic importance ; and never could it have had a more appro- 

[ 267 ] 



A History of [Bk.vh 

priate chieftain to condud it to the pinnacle of grandeur than Peter Stuy- 
vesant. 

This truly headstrong hero, having successfully effefted his daring progress 
through the east country, girded up his loins as he approached Boston and 
prepared for the grand onslaught with the AmphiByons, which was to be 
the crowning achievement of the campaign. Throwing Anthony Van Cor- 
lear, who, with his calico mare, formed his escort and army, a little in 
the advance, and bidding him be of stout heart and great wind, he placed 
himself firmly in his saddle, cocked his hat more fiercely over his left 
eye, summoned all the heroism of his soul into his countenance, and, 
with one arm akimbo, the hand resting on the pommel of his sword, rode 
into the great metropolis of the league, Anthony sounding his trumpet 
before him in a manner to eleftrify the whole community. 
Never was there such a stir in Boston as on this occasion ; never such a 
hurrying hither and thither about the streets ; such a popping of heads 
out of windows ; such gathering of knots in market-places. Peter Stuy- 
vesant was a straightforward man, and prone to do everything above- 
board. He would have ridden at once to the great council-house of the 
league and sounded a parley, but the grand council knew the mettle- 
some hero they had to deal with, and were not for doing things in a 
hurry. On the contrary, they sent forth deputations to meet him on the 
way, to receive him in a style befitting the great potentate of the Man- 
hattoes, and to multiply all kind of honors, and ceremonies, and formali- 
ties, and other courteous impediments in his path. Solemn banquets were 
accordingly given him, equal to thanksgiving feasts. Complimentary 
speeches were made him, wherein he was entertained with the surpass- 
ing virtues, long-sufferings, and achievements of the Pilgrim-Fathers ; and 
it is even said he was treated to a sight of Plymouth Rock, — as the great 
corner-stone of Yankee empire. 

I will not detain my readers by recounting the endless devices by which 
time was wasted, and obstacles and delays multiplied, to the infinite an- 
noyance of the impatient Peter. Neither will I fatigue them by dwelling 
on his negotiations with the grand council when he at length brought 
them to business. Suffice it to say, it was like most other diplomatic ne- 
gotiations : a great deal was said and very little done ; one conversation 
led to another, one conference begot misunderstandings which it took a 
dozen conferences to explain, at the end of which both parties found them- 
selves just where they had begun, but ten times less likely to come to 
an agreement. 

In the midst of these perplexities which bewildered the brain and in- 
censed the ire of honest Peter, he received private intelligence of the dark 

[ 268 ] 



Ch. VI] N E W Y O R K ^C. 



conspiracy matured in the British cabinet, with the astounding fad: that 
a British squadron was already on the way to invade New AtJisterdam by 
sea, and that the grand council of AmphiByons, while thus beguiling him 
with subtleties, were actually prepared to cooperate by land ! 
Oh ! how did the sturdy old warrior rage and roar when he found him- 
self thus entrapped like a lion in the hunter's toil ! Now did he draw his 
trusty sword and determine to break in upon the council of the Amphic- 
tyons and put every mother's son of them to death. Now did he resolve 
to fight his way throughout all the region of the east and to lay waste 
Conneoiicut River ! 

Gallant, but unfortunate Peter I Did I not enter with sad forebodings on 
this ill-starred expedition ? Did I not tremble when I saw thee, with no 
other counsellor than thine own head ; no other armor but an honest 
tongue, a spotless conscience, and a rusty sword ; no other protedtor but 
St. Nicholas, and no other attendant but a trumpeter ; did I not tremble 
when I beheld thee thus sally forth to contend with all the knowing 
powers of New 'England? 

It was a long time before the kind-hearted expostulations of Anthony Van 
Corkar, aided by the soothing melody of his trumpet, could lower the 
spirits of Peter Stiiyvesant from their warlike and vindiftive tones and 
prevent his making widows and orphans of half the population of Bos- 
ton. With great difficulty he was prevailed upon to bottle up his wrath 
for the present, to conceal from the council his knowledge of their machi- 
nations, and, by effefting his escape, to be able to arrive in time for the 
salvation of the Manhattoes. 

The latter suggestion awakened a new ray of hope in his bosom ; he 
forthwith dispatched a secret message to his councillors at New Amster- 
dam, apprising them of their danger, and commanding them to put the 
city in a posture of defence, promising to come as soon as possible to their 
assistance. This done, he felt marvellously relieved, rose slowly, shook 
himself like a rhinoceros, and issued forth from his den in much the same 
manner as Giant Despair is described to have issued from Doubting Cas- 
tle in the chivalric history of the Pilgrim's Progress. 
And now much does it grieve me that I must leave the gallant Peter in 
this imminent jeopardy, but it behooves us to hurry back and see what 
is going on at New Amsterdam, for greatly do I fear that city is already 
in a turmoil. Such was ever the fate of Peter Stuyvesant; while doing one 
thing with heart and soul, he was too apt to leave everything else at sixes 
and sevens. While, like a potentate of yore, he was absent attending to 
those things in person which in modern days are trusted to generals and 

ambassadors, his little territory at home was sure to get in an uproar, all 

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A History c^r. [Bk. vn 



which was owing to that uncommon strength of intelka which induced 
him to trust to nobody but himself, and which had acquired him the re- 
nowned appellation of Peter the Headstrong. 



Chap 

[ 270 ] 



Chapter vii 



HOW the People of New Amsterdam were thrown into a 
Great Panic by the news of the threatened Invasion^ and the Manner in which 
they fortified themselves. 

THERE is no sight more truly interesting to a philosopher 
than a community where every individual has a voice in 
public affairs, where every individual considers himself the 
Atlas of the nation, and where every individual thinks it his 
duty to bestir himself for the good of his country : I say 
there is nothing more interesting to a philosopher than such a commu- 
nity in a sudden bustle of war. Such clamor of tongues — such patriotic 
bawling — such running hither and thither — everybody in a hurry — 
everybody in trouble — everybody in the way, and everybody interrupt- 
ing his neighbor — who is busily employed in doing nothing ! It is like 
witnessing a great fire where the whole community are agog — some 
dragging about empty engines, others scampering with full buckets and 
spilling the contents into their neighbors' boots, and others ringing the 
church-bells all night by way of putting out the fire. Little firemen, like 
sturdy little knights storming a breach, clambering up and down scaling- 
ladders and bawling through tin trumpets, by way of directing the at- 
tack. Here a fellow, in his great zeal to save the property of the unfor- 
tunate, catches up an anonymous chamber-utensil and gallants it off with 
an air of as much self-importance as if he had rescued a pot of money ; 
there another throws looking-glasses and china out of the window, to save 
them from the fiames ; whilst those who can do nothing else run up and 
down the streets, keeping up an incessant cry of Fire ! Fire I Fire ! 
" When the news arrived at Sinope," says Liician, — though I own the story 
is rather trite, — "that Philip wzs about to attack them, the inhabitants 
were thrown into a violent alarm. Some ran to furbish up their arms ; 
others rolled stones to build up the walls, — everybody, in short, was em- 
ployed, and everybody in the way of his neighbor. Diogenes alone could 
find nothing to do ; whereupon, not to be idle when the welfare of his 
country was at stake, he tucked up his robe and fell to rolling his tub 
with might and main up and down the Gymnasium." In like manner did 
every mother's son in the patriotic community of New Amsterdam, on 
receiving the missive of Peter Stuyvesant, busy himself most mightily in 

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A History of [Bk. vn 

putting things in confusion and assisting the general uproar. "Every- 
man," saith the Stuyvesant manuscript, "flew to arms!" — by which is 
meant, that not one of our honest Dutch citizens would venture to church 
or to marlcet without an old-fashioned spit of a sword dangling at his side 
and a long Dutch fowling-piece on his shoulder ; nor would he go out of 
a night without a lantern, nor turn a corner without first peeping cau- 
tiously round, lest he should come unawares upon a British army ; and 
we are informed that Stoffel Brinkerhoff, who was considered by the old 
women almost as brave a man as the governor himself, actually had two 
one-pound swivels mounted in his entry, one pointing out at the front 
door and the other at the back. 

But the most strenuous measure resorted to on this awful occasion, and 
one which has since been found of wonderful efficacy, was to assemble 
popular meetings. These brawling convocations, I have already shown, 
were extremely offensive to Peter Stuyvesant; but, as this was a moment 
of unusual agitation and as the old governor was not present to repress 
them, they broke out with intolerable violence. Hither, therefore, the 
orators and politicians repaired, striving who should bawl loudest and 
exceed the others in hyperbolical bursts of patriotism, and in resolutions 
to uphold and defend the government. In these sage meetings it was re- 
solved that they were the most enlightened, the most dignified, the most 
formidable, and the most ancient community upon the face of the earth. 
This resolution being carried unanimously, another was immediately pro- 
posed, — whether it were not possible and politic to exterminate Great 
Britain? — upon which sixty-nine members spoke in the affirmative and 
only one arose to suggest some doubts, who, as a punishment for his trea- 
sonable presumption, was immediately seized by the mob and tarred and 
feathered, — which punishment being equivalent to the Tarpeian Rock, 
he was afterwards considered as an outcast from society, and his opinion 
went for nothing. The question, therefore, being unanimously carried in 
the affirmative, it was recommended, to the grand council to pass it into 
a law, which was accordingly done. By this measure the hearts of the 
people at large were wonderfully encouraged, and they waxed exceed- 
ingly choleric and valorous. Indeed, the first paroxysm of alarm having 
in some measure subsided, — the old women having buried all the money 
they could lay their hands on, and their husbands daily getting fuddled 
with what was left, — the community began even to stand on the offensive. 
Songs were manufadured in Low Dutch and sung about the streets, where- 
in the English were most wofully beaten and shown no quarter ; and popu- 
lar addresses were made, wherein it was proved, to a certainty, that the 
fate of 0/^£//^/^W depended upon the will of the New Amsterdammers. 

[ 272 ] 



Ch.vii] New York ^c. 

Finally, to strike a violent blow at the very vitals of Great Bn'taw, a mul- 
titude of the wiser inhabitants assembled, and having purchased all the 
British manufactures they could find, they made thereof a huge bonfire ; 
and, in the patriotic glow of the moment, every man present, who had a 
hat or breeches of English workmanship, pulled it off and threw it into 
the flames, — to the irreparable detriment, loss, and ruin of the English 
manufacturers. In commemoration of this great exploit, they erefted a 
pole on the spot, with a device on the top intended to represent the prov- 
ince ofNieuw Nederlands destroying Great Britain^ under the similitude of 
an Eagle picking the little Island of Old England out of the globe ; but, 
either through the unskilfulness of the sculptor or his ill-timed wag- 
gery, it bore a striking resemblance to a goose vainly striving to get 
hold of a dumpling. 



Ch 

[ 273 ] 



Chapter viii 



HOW the Grand Council of the New Netherlands were 
miraculously gifted with Long Tongues in the Moment of Emergency — Show- 
ing the value of Words in Warfare. 

IT will need but little penetration in any one conversant with the 
ways of that wise but windy potentate, the sovereign people, to 
discover that, notwithstanding all the warlike bluster and bustle 
of the last chapter, the city of New Amsterdam was not a whit 
more prepared for war than before. The privy councillors of 
Peter Stuyvesant were aware of this, and, having received his private 
orders to put the city in an immediate posture of defence, they called 
a meeting of the oldest and richest burghers to assist them with their 
wisdom. These were that order of citizens commonly termed "men of 
the greatest weight in the community," their weight being estimated 
by the heaviness of their heads and of their purses. Their wisdom, in fa6t, 
is apt to be of a ponderous kind, and to hang like a mill-stone round the 
neck of the community. 

Two things were unanimously determined in this assembly of venerables : 
Firsts that the city required to be put in a state of defence ; and. Second, 
that, as the danger was imminent, there should be no time lost, — which 
points being settled, they fell to making long speeches and belaboring 
one another in endless and intemperate disputes. For, about this time was 
this unhappy city first visited by that talking endemic so prevalent in 
this country, and which so invariably evinces itself wherever a number 
of wise men assemble together, breaking out in long, windy speeches, 
caused, as physicians suppose, by the foul air which is ever generated 
in a crowd. Now it was, moreover, that they first introduced the in- 
genious method of measuring the merits of an harangue by the hour- 
glass, he being considered the ablest orator who spoke longest on a 
question, — for which excellent invention, it is recorded, we are indebted 
to the same profound Dutch critic who judged of books by their size. 
This sudden passion for endless harangues, so little consonant with the 
customary gravity and taciturnity of our sage forefathers, was supposed 
by certain philosophers to have been imbibed, together with divers other 
barbarous propensities, from their savage neighbors, who were pecu- 
liarly noted for long talks and council-fires, and never undertook any affair 

[ 274 ] 



Ch.viii] New York ^c. 

of the least importance without previous debates and harangues among 
their chiefs and oA/ me/i. But the real cause was, that the people, in ele6t- 
ing their representatives to the grand council, were particular in choos- 
ing them for their talents at talking, without inquiring whether they 
possessed the more rare, difficult, and ofttimes important talent of hold- 
ing their tongues. The consequence was, that this deliberative body was 
composed ot the most loquacious men in the community. As they con- 
sidered themselves placed there to talk, every man concluded that his 
duty to his constituents, and, what is more, his popularity with them, 
required that he should harangue on every subjeft, whether he under- 
stood it or not. There was an ancient mode of burying a chieftain, by 
every soldier throwing his shield full of earth on the corpse until a 
mighty mound was formed ; so, whenever a question was brought for- 
ward in this assembly, every member pressing forward to throw on his 
quantum of wisdom, the subjeft was quickly buried under a mountain 
of words. 

We are told that disciples, on entering the school oi Pythagoras^ were 
for two years enjoined silence, and forbidden either to ask questions or 
make remarks. After they had thus acquired the inestimable art of holding 
their tongues, they were gradually permitted to make inquiries, and 
finally to communicate their own opinions. 

With what a beneficial effect could this wise regulation oi Pythago7-as be 
introduced in modern legislative bodies, — and how wonderfully would it 
have tended to expedite business in the grand council of the Manhattoes ! 
At this perilous junfture the fatal word economy^ the stumbling-block of 
William the Testy, had been once more set afloat, according to which the 
cheapest plan of defence was insisted upon as the best, — it being deemed 
a great stroke of policy in furnishing powder to economize in ball. 
Thus did Dame Wisdom (whom the wags of antiquity have humorously 
personified as a woman) seem to take a mischievous pleasure in jilting 
the venerable councillors of Neio Amsterdam. To add to the confusion, 
the old factions of Short Pipes and Long Pipes, which had been almost 
strangled by the Herculean grasp o^ Peter Stuyvesant, now sprang up with 
tenfold vigor. Whatever was proposed by Short Pipe was opposed by the 
whole tribe of Long Pipes, who, like true partisans, deemed it their first 
duty to effeft the downfall of their rivals ; their second, to elevate them- 
selves, and their third, to consult the public good, — though many left the 
third consideration out of the question altogether. 

In this great collision of hard heads it is astonishing the number of pro- 
je6ls that were struck out, — projects which threw the windmill system 
of William the Testy completely in the background. These were almost 

[ 275 ] 



A History k^c. [Bk 



VII 



uniformly opposed by the "men of the greatest weight in the commu- 
nity !" your weighty men, though slow to devise, being always great at 
"negativing." Among these were a set of fat, self-important old burgh- 
ers who smoked their pipes and said nothing except to negative every 
plan of defence proposed. These were that class of "conservatives" who, 
having amassed a fortune, button up their pockets, shut their mouths, 
sink, as it were, into themselves, and pass the rest of their lives in the in- 
dwelling beatitude of conscious wealth, — as some phlegmatic oyster, 
which, having swallowed a pearl, closes its shell, sinks in the mud, and de- 
votes the rest of its life to the conservation of its treasure. Every plan of 
defence seemed to these worthy old gentlemen pregnant with ruin. An 
armed force was a legion of locusts preying upon the public property ; to 
fit out a naval armament was to throw their money into the sea ; to build 
fortifications was to bury it in the dirt. In short, they settled it as a sover- 
eign maxim, so long as their pockets were full, no matter how much they 
were drubbed. A kick left no scar ; a broken head cured itself; but an 
empty purse was of all maladies the slowest to heal, and one in which 
nature did nothing for the patient. 

Thus did this venerable assembly of sages lavish away that time which 
the urgency of affairs rendered invaluable, in empty brawls and long- 
winded speeches, without ever agreeing, except on the point with which 
they started, namely, that there was no time to be lost, and delay was 
ruinous. At length, St. Nicholas, taking compassion on their distracted sit- 
uation and anxious to preserve them from anarchy, so ordered, that in 
the midst of one of their most noisy debates on the subje6t of fortifica- 
tion and defence, when they had nearly fallen to loggerheads in conse- 
quence of not being able to convince each other, the question was happily 
settled by the sudden entrance of a messenger who informed them that 
the hostile fleet had arrived and was adually advancing up the bay ! 



Ch 

[ 276 ] 




Chapter ix 



YH which the Troubles <9/"New Amsterdam appeared to thicken; 
showing the Bravery, in Time of Peril, of a People wlio defend t/iemse/ves by 
Resolutions. 

IKE as an assemblage of belligerent cats, gibbering and caterwaul- 
ing, eying one another with hideous grimaces and contortions, 
spitting in each other's faces, and on the point of a general 
clapper-clawing, are suddenly put to scampering rout and con- 
fusion by the appearance of a house-dog, so was the no less 
vociferous council oi New Amsterdam amazed, astounded, and totally dis- 
persed by the sudden arrival of the enemy. Every member waddled home 
as fast as his short legs could carry him, wheezing as he went with corpu- 
lency and terror. Arrived at his castle, he barricaded the street-door and 
buried himself in the cider-cellar, without venturing to peep out, lest he 
should have his head carried off by a cannon-ball. 

The sovereign people crowded into the market-place, herding together 
with the instind: of sheep who seek safety in each other's company when 
the shepherd and his dog are absent, and the wolf is prowling round the 
fold. Far from finding relief, however, they only increased each other's 
terrors. Each man looked ruefully in his neighbor's face, in search of en- 
couragement, but only found in its woe-begone lineaments a confirma- 
tion ot his own dismay. Not a word now was to be heard of conquering 
Great Britain, not a whisper about the sovereign virtues of economy, 
while the old women heightened the general gloom by clamorously be- 
wailing their fate and calling for protection on St. Nic/wias and Peter 
Stuyvesant. 

Oh, how did they bewail the absence of the lion-hearted Peter ! and how 
did they long for the comforting presence oi Antliony Van Cor/ear ! In- 
deed, a gloomy uncertainty hung over the fate of these adventurous heroes. 
Day after day had elapsed since the alarming message from the governor, 
without bringing any further tidings of his safety. Many a fearful con- 
jefture was hazarded as to what had befallen him and his loyal squire. 
Had they not been devoured alive by the cannibals of Marbleliead and 
Cape Cod? — had they not been put to the question by the great council 
oi Amphiclyons? — had they not been smothered in onions by the terrible 
men of Pyquagt In the midst of this consternation and perplexity, when 

[ ^11 ] 



A History of [Bk. vn 

horror, like a mighty nightmare, sat brooding upon the httle, fat, ple- 
thoric city of New Amsterdam^ the ears of the multitude were suddenly 
startled by the distant sound of a trumpet ; it approached, it grew louder 
and louder, and now it resounded at the city gate. The public could not 
be mistaken in the well-known sound ; a shout of joy burst from their lips 
as the gallant Peter ^ covered with dust and followed by his faithful trum- 
peter, came galloping into the market-place. 

The first transports of the populace having subsided, they gathered round 
the honest Anthony as he dismounted, overwhelming him with greetings 
and congratulations. In breathless accents he related to them the marvel- 
lous adventures through which the old governor and himself had gone, 
in making their escape from the clutches of the terrible AmphiSlyons. But, 
though the Stuyvesant manuscript, with its customary minuteness where 
anything touching the great Peter is concerned, is very particular as to 
the incidents of this masterly retreat, the state of the public affairs will 
not allow me to indulge in a full recital thereof. Let it suffice to say that, 
while Peter Stuyvesant was anxiously revolving in his mind how he could 
make good his escape with honor and dignity, certain of the ships sent 
out for the conquest of the Manhattoes touched at the eastern ports to ob- 
tain supplies, and to call on the grand council of the league for its prom- 
ised cooperation. Upon hearing of this, the vigilant Peter, perceiving that 
a moment's delay were fatal, made a secret and precipitate decampment ; 
though much did it grieve his lofty soul to be obliged to turn his back 
even upon a nation of foes. Many hair-breadth 'scapes and divers perilous 
mishaps did they sustain, as they scoured, without sound of trumpet, 
through the fair regions of the east. Already was the country in an uproar 
with hostile preparations, and they were obliged to take a large circuit 
in their flight, lurking along through the woody mountains of the Devil's 
backbone, whence the valiant Peter sallied forth one day like a lion, and 
put to rout a whole legion of squatters, consisting of three generations of 
a prolific family, who were already on their way to take possession of some 
corner of the New Netherlands. Nay, the faithful Anthony had great diffi- 
culty, at sundry times, to prevent him, in the excess of his wrath, from 
descending down from the mountains and falling, sword in hand, upon 
certain of the border towns who were marshalling forth their draggle- 
tailed militia. 

The first movement of the governor, on reaching his dwelling, was to 
mount the roof, whence he contemplated with rueful aspeft the hostile 
squadron. This had already come to anchor in the bay, and consisted of 
two stout frigates, having on board, as John Josselyn, Gent., informs us, 
"three hundred valiant red-coats." Having taken this survey, he sat him- 

[ 278 ] 




// hf I 



I ti, 



I u 11 tu ti c luof, I me iJt conttmp tttd ^t,ttu lutjul aipici i t 
hostile sguaJron.^' 



Ch. ix] N E W Y O R K &^C. 

self down and wrote an epistle to the commander, demanding the reason 
of his anchoring in the harbor without obtaining previous permission so 
to do. This letter was couched in the most dignified and courteous terms, 
though I have it from undoubted authority that his teeth were clinched, 
and he had a bitter, sardonic grin upon his visage all the while he wrote. 
Having dispatched his letter, the grim Peter stumped to and fro about 
the town with a most war-betokening countenance, his hands thrust into 
his breeches-pockets, and whistling a Low-Dutch psalm-tune, which bore 
no small resemblance to the music of a north-east wind when a storm is 
brewing. The very dogs as they eyed him skulked away in dismay, while 
all the old and ugly women oi New Amsterdam ran howling at his heels, im- 
ploring him to save them from murder, robbery, and pitiless ravishment ! 
The reply of Colonel Nicholas, who commanded the invaders, was 
couched in terms of equal courtesy with the letter of the governor, — de- 
claring the right and title of his British Majesty to the province, where 
he affirmed the Dutch to be mere interlopers, and demanding that the 
town, forts, etc., should be forthwith rendered into his Majesty's obedi- 
ence and proteftion ; promising, at the same time, life, liberty, estate, 
and free trade to every Dutch denizen who should readily submit to his 
Majesty's government. 

Peter Stuyvesant read over this friendly epistle with some such harmony 
of aspect as we may suppose a crusty farmer reads the loving letter of 
John Stiles, warning him of an aftion of ejeftment. He was not, however, 
to be taken by surprise, but, thrusting the summons into his breeches- 
pocket, stalked three times across the room, took a pinch of snuff with 
great vehemence, and then, loftily waving his hand, promised to send an 
answer the next morning. He now summoned a general meeting of his 
privy councillors and burgomasters, not to ask their advice, for, confident 
in his own strong head, he needed no man's counsel, but apparently to 
give them a piece of his mind on their late craven conduft. 
His orders being duly promulgated, it was a piteous sight to behold the 
late valiant burgomasters, who had demolished the whole British empire 
in their harangues, peeping ruefully out of their hiding-places ; crawling 
cautiously forth ; dodging through narrow lanes and alleys ; starting at 
every little dog that barked ; mistaking lamp-posts for British grenadiers, 
and, in the excess of their panic, metamorphosing pumps into formida- 
ble soldiers levelling blunderbusses at their bosoms ! Having, however, in 
despite of numerous perils and difficulties of the kind, arrived safe, with- 
out the loss of a single man, at the hall of assembly, they took their seats 
and awaited in fearful silence the arrival of the governor. In a few mo- 
ments the wooden leg of the intrepid Peter was heard in regular and 

[ 279 ] 



A History of [Bk. 



VII 



stout-hearted thumps upon the staircase. He entered the chamber, ar- 
rayed in full suit of regimentals, and carrying his trusty toledo, not girded 
on his thigh, but tucked under his arm. As the governor never equipped 
himself in this portentous manner unless something of martial nature 
were working within his pericranium, his council regarded him ruetully, 
as if they saw fire and sword in his iron countenance, and forgot to light 
their pipes in breathless suspense. 

His first words were to rate his council soundly for having wasted in idle 
debate and party feud the time which should have been devoted to put- 
ting the city in a state of defence. He was particularly indignant at those 
brawlers who had disgraced the councils of the province by empty hec- 
torings and scurrilous inveflives against an absent enemy. He now called 
upon them to make good their words by deeds, as the enemy they had 
defied and derided was at the gate. Finally, he informed them of the sum- 
mons he had received to surrender, but concluded by swearing to defend 
the province as long as Heaven was on his side and he had a wooden leg 
to stand upon, — which warlike sentence he emphasized by a thwack with 
the flat of his sword upon the table that totally ele6trified his auditors. 
The privy councillors, who had long since been brought into as perfe6l 
discipline as were ever the soldiers of the great Frederick^ knew there was 
no use in saying a word, so lighted their pipes and smoked away in 
silence, like fat and discreet councillors. But the burgomasters, being 
inflated with considerable importance and self-sufficiency acquired at 
popular meetings, were not so easily satisfied. Mustering up fresh spirit 
when they found there was some chance of escaping from their present 
jeopardy without the disagreeable alternative of fighting, they requested 
a copy of the summons to surrender, that they might show it to a gen- 
eral meeting of the people. 

So insolent and mutinous a request would have been enough to have 
roused the gorge of the tranquil Van Twiller himself, — what, then, must 
have been its effeft upon the great Stuyvesant, who was not only a Dutch- 
man, a governor, and a valiant wooden-legged soldier to boot, but withal 
a man of the most stomachful and gunpowder disposition ? He burst forth 
into a blaze of indignation, — swore not a mother's son of them should 
see a syllable of it, — that as to their advice or concurrence, he did not 
care a whiff of tobacco for either, — that they might go home and go to 
bed like old women ; for he was determined to defend the colony him- 
self, without the assistance of them or their adherents ! So saying, he 
tucked his sword under his arm, cocked his hat upon his head, and, gird- 
ing up his loins, stumped indignantly out of the council-chamber, every- 
body making room for him as he passed. 

[ 280 ] 



I 



Ch.ix] N e w Y o r k &^c. 

No sooner was he gone than the busy burgomasters called a public meet- 
ing in front of the Stadthouse^ where they appointed as chairman one Dofue 
Roerback, formerly a meddlesome member of the cabinet during the reign 
of William the Testy ^ but kicked out of office by Peter Stuyvesant on taking 
the reins of government. He was, withal, a mighty gingerbread baker in 
the land, and reverenced by the populace as a man of dark knowledge, 
seeing that he was the first to imprint New- Year cakes with the mysteri- 
ous hieroglyphics of the Cock and Breeches and such like magical de- 
vices. 

This burgomaster, who still chewed the cud of ill-will against Peter Stuy- 
vesant, addressed the multitude in what is called a patriotic speech, in- 
forming them of the courteous summons which the governor had re- 
ceived to surrender, of his refusal to comply therewith, and of his denying 
the public even a sight of the summons, which doubtless contained con- 
ditions highly to the honor and advantage of the province. 
He then proceeded to speak of his Excellency in high-sounding terms of 
vituperation suited to the dignity of his station ; comparing him to Nero^ 
Caligula, and other flagrant great men of yore ; assuring the people that 
the history of the world did not contain a despotic outrage equal to the 
present. That it would be recorded in letters of fire on the blood-stained 
tablet of history ! That ages would roll back with sudden horror when 
they came to view it ! That the womb of time (by the way, your orators 
and writers take strange liberties with the womb of time, though some 
would fain have us believe that time is an old gentleman) — that the womb 
of time, pregnant as it was with direful horrors, would never produce a 
parallel enormity ! — with a variety of other heart-rending, soul-stirring 
tropes and figures which I cannot enumerate ; neither, indeed, need I, 
for they were of the kind which even to the present day form the staple 
of popular harangues and patriotic orations, and may be classed in rhe- 
toric under the general title of Rigmarole. 

The result of this speech of the inspired burgomaster was a memorial ad- 
dressed to the governor, remonstrating in good round terms on his con- 
du6t. It was proposed that Dofue Roerback himself should be the bearer 
of this memorial, but this he warily declined, having no inclination of 
coming again within kicking distance of his Excellency. Who did deliver 
it has never been named in history, in which negleft he has suffered griev- 
ous wrong, seeing that he was equally worthy of blazon with him per- 
petuated in Scottish song and story by the surname of Bell-the-cat. All we 
know of the fate of this memorial is that it was used by the grim Peter 
to light his pipe, which, from the vehemencfe with which he smoked it, 
was evidently anything but a pipe of peace. 

[ 281 ] 



Chapter x 



CONTAINING a Doleful Disaster 0/ Anthony the Trum- 
pt'ter, and how Peter Stuyvesant, like a second Cromwell, suddenly dis- 
solved a Rump Parliament. 

N^OW did the high-minded Pieter de Groodt shower down a 
pannier-load of malediftions upon his burgomasters for a set 
of self-willed, obstinate, faftious varlets who would neither 
be convinced nor persuaded. Nor did he omit to bestow some 
left-handed compliments upon the sovereign people, a herd 
of poltroons who had no relish for the glorious hardships and illustrious 
misadventures of battle, but would rather stay at home, and eat and sleep 
in ignoble ease, than fight in a ditch for immortality and a broken head. 
Resolutely bent, however, upon defending his beloved city, in despite even 
of itself, he called unto him his trusty Van Corlear, who was his right- 
hand man in all times of emergency. Him did he adjure to take his war- 
denouncing trumpet, and, mounting his horse, to beat up the country 
night and day, — sounding the alarm along the pastoral borders of the 
Bronx, — startling the wild solitudes of Croton, — arousing the rugged 
yeomanry of Weehawk and Hoboken, the mighty men of battle of Tap- 
pan Bay, and the brave boys of Tarry-Town, Petticoat-Lane, and Sleepy- 
Hollow, charging them one and all to sling their powder-horns, shoul- 
der their fowling-pieces, and march down to the Manhattoes. 
Now, there was nothing in all the world, the divine sex excepted, that 
Anthony Van Corlear loved better than errands of this kind. So, just stop- 
ping to take a lusty dinner, and bracing to his side his junk-bottle, well 
charged with heart-inspiring Hollands, he issued jollily from the city gate, 
which looked out upon what is at present called Broadway, sounding a 
farewell strain that rung in sprightly echoes through the winding streets 
of New Amsterdam. Alas ! never more were they to be gladdened by the 
melody of their favorite trumpeter ! 

It was a dark and stormy night when the good Anthony arrived at the 
creek (sagely denominated Haerlem river) which separates the island of 
Manna-hata from the mainland. The wind was high, the elements were 
in an uproar, and no Charon could be found to ferry the adventurous 
sounder of brass across the water. For a short time he vapored like an 
impatient ghost upon the brink, and then, bethinking himself of the ur- 

[ 282 ] 



Ch. x] N E W Y O R K &^C. 

gency of his errand, took a hearty embrace of his stone bottle, swore most 
valorously that he would swim across in spite of the devil ! (Spyt den 
Duyvel !) and daringly plunged into the stream. Luckless yfwMowy / Scarce 
had he buffeted half-way over when he was observed to struggle vio- 
lently, as if battling with the spirit of the waters ; instinftively he put 
his trumpet to his mouth, and, giving a vehement blast, sank forever 
to the bottom ! 

The clangor of his trumpet, like that of the ivory horn of the renowned 
Paladin Orlando when expiring in the glorious field of i?5«ce'j't'«//t'/, rang 
far and wide through the country, alarming the neighbors round, who 
hurried in amazement to the spot. Here an old Dutch burgher, famed 
for his veracity, and who had been a witness of the facfl, related to them 
the melancholy affair, with the fearful addition (to which I am slow in 
giving belief) that he saw the duyvel, in the shape of a huge moss-bunker, 
seize the sturdy Anthony by the leg and drag him beneath the waves. 
Certain it is, the place, with the adjoining promontory which projefts 
into the Hudson, has been called Spyt den Duyvel ever since ; the ghost 
of the unfortunate Anthony still haunts the surrounding solitudes, and his 
trumpet has often been heard by the neighbors, of a stormy night, min- 
gling with the howling of the blast. Nobody ever attempts to swim across 
the creek after dark ; on the contrary, a bridge has been built to guard 
against such melancholy accidents in future, — and as to moss-bunkers, 
they are held in such abhorrence that no true Dutchman will admit them 
to his table, who loves good fish and hates the devil. 
Such was the end of Anthony Van Corlear, — a man deserving of a better 
fate. He lived roundly and soundly, like a true and jolly bachelor, until 
the day of his death ; but, though he was never married, yet did he leave 
behind some two or three dozen children in different parts of the coun- 
try, — fine, chubby, brawling, flatulent little urchins, from whom, if 
legends speak true (and they are not apt to lie), did descend the innum- 
erable race of editors who people and defend this country, and who are 
bountifully paid by the people for keeping up a constant alarm — and 
making them miserable. It is hinted, too, that in his various expeditions 
into the east he did much towards promoting the population of the coun- 
try, in proof of which is adduced the notorious propensity of the peo- 
ple of those parts to sound their own trumpet. 

As some way-worn pilgrim, when the tempest whistles through his locks 
and night is gathering round, beholds his faithful dog, the companion 
and solace of his journeying, stretched lifeless at his feet, so did the gen- 
erous-hearted hero of the Manhattoes contemplate the untimely end of 
Anthony Van Corlear. He had been the faithful attendant of his footsteps ; 

[ 283 ] 



A History of [Bk. vn 

he had charmed him in many a weary hour by his honest gayety and 
the martial melody of his trumpet, and had followed him with unflinch- 
ing loyalty and affeftion through many a scene of direful peril and mis- 
hap. He was gone forever ! and that, too, at a moment when every mon- 
grel cur was skulking from his side. This, Peter Stuyvesant, was the 
moment to try thy fortitude ; and this was the moment when thou didst, 
indeed, shine forth Peter the HEADSTRONG I 

The glare of day had long dispelled the horrors of the stormy night ; 
still all was dull and gloomy. The late jovial Apollo hid his face behind 
lugubrious clouds, peeping out now and then for an instant, as if anxious, 
yet fearful, to see what was going on in his favorite city. This was the 
eventful morning when the great Peter was to give his reply to the sum- 
mons of the invaders. Already was he closeted with his privy council, 
sitting in grim state, brooding over the fate of his favorite trumpeter, 
and anon boiling with indignation as the insolence of his recreant burgo- 
masters flashed upon his mind. While in this state of irritation, a courier 
arrived in all haste from IVinthrop, the subtle governor of Co?nie£licut, 
counselling him, in the most affeftionate and disinterested manner, to sur- 
render the province, and magnifying the dangers and calamities to 
which a refusal would subjedl him. — What a moment was this to in- 
trude officious advice upon a man who never took advice in his whole 
life ! The fiery old governor strode up and down the chamber with a 
vehemence that made the bosoms of his councillors to quake with awe, — 
railing at his unlucky fate that thus made him the constant butt of fac- 
tious subjects and Jesuitical advisers. 

Just at this ill-chosen juncture, the officious burgomasters, who had heard 
of the arrival of mysterious dispatches, came marching in a body into 
the room, with a legion of schepens and toad-eaters at their heels, and 
abruptly demanded a perusal of the letter. This was too much for the 
spleen of Peter Stuyvesant. He tore the letter in a thousand pieces, — 
threw it in the face of the nearest burgomaster, — broke his pipe over 
the head of the next, — hurled his spitting-box at an unlucky schepen 
who was just retreating out at the door, and finally prorogued the whole 
meeting sine die, by kicking them down-stairs with his wooden leg. 
As soon as the burgomasters could recover from their confusion and had 
time to breathe, they called a public meeting, where they related at full 
length, and with appropriate coloring and exaggeration, the despotic and 
vindi6tive deportment of the governor, — declaring that, for their own 
parts, they did not value a straw the being kicked, cuffed, and mauled 
by the timber toe of his Excellency, but that they felt for the dignity 
of the sovereign people thus rudely insulted by the outrage committed 

[ 284] 



Ch.x] N e w Y o r k ©^r. 

on the seat of honor of their representatives. The latter part of the ha- 
rangue came home at once to that deHcacy of feehng and jealous pride 
of character vested in all true mobs, — who, though they may bear in- 
juries without a murmur, yet are marvellously jealous of their sovereign 
dignity ; and there is no knowing to what ad: of resentment they might 
have been provoked, had they not been somewhat more afraid of their 
sturdy old governor than they were of St. Nicholas^ the English, or the 
d — 1 himself. 



Ch 

[ 285 ] , 



Chapter xi 



HOW Peter Stuyvesant defended the City o/New Amster- 
T) AM for several Days, by dint of the Strength of /lis Head. 

THERE is something exceedingly sublime and melancholy 
in the spectacle which the present crisis of our history pre- 
sents. An illustrious and venerable little city, — the metrop- 
olis of an immense extent of uninhabited country, — garri- 
soned by a doughty host of orators, chairmen, committee- 
men, burgomasters, schepens, and old women, — governed by a determined 
and strong-headed warrior, and fortified by mud batteries, palisadoes, 
and resolutions, — blockaded by sea, beleaguered by land, and threatened 
with direful desolation from without, while its very vitals are torn with 
internal faftion and commotion ! Never did historic pen record a page ot 
more complicated distress, unless it be the strife that distrafted the Israel- 
ites during the siege of Jerusalem, where discordant parties were cutting 
each other's throats at the moment when the victorious legions ot Titus 
had toppled down their bulwarks and were carrying fire and sword into 
the very sanSlum sanSlorum of the temple. 

Governor Stuyvesant, having triumphantly put his grand council to the 
rout and delivered himself from a multitude of impertinent advisers, dis- 
patched a categorical reply to the commanders of the invading squadron, 
wherein he asserted the right and title of their High Mightinesses, the 
Lords States General, to the province of New Netherlands, and, trusting in 
the righteousness of his cause, set the whole British nation at defiance ! 
My anxiety to extricate my readers and myself from these disastrous 
scenes prevents me from giving the whole of this gallant letter, which 
concluded in these manly and afFeftionate terms : 

" as touching tbe threats in pour conclusion, tnc hatie nothing to anstocr, 
'' onlp that toe fear notbuig but tofjat ^oQ (totio is as just as merciful) shall 
"lap upon us; all things being in his gracious Disposal, anD toe maj> as 
''toell he prescrueD hp him toith small forces as fap a great armyj tohich 
*' makes us to toish pou all happiness anD prosperity, anDrecommenD pou 
" to his proteftion. a3p lorDs, pour thrice humble anD affectionate servant 
"anDfrienD, p. ^tuptjesant." 

Thus having thrown his gauntlet, the brave Peter stuck a pair of horse- 
pistols in his belt, girded an immense powder-horn on his side, thrust 

[ 286 ] 



Ch.xi] New York &^c. 

his sound leg into a Hess/an boot, and, clapping his fierce little war-hat 
on the top of his head, paraded up and down in front of his house, deter- 
mined to defend his beloved city to the last. 

While all these struggles and dissensions were prevailing in the unhappy 
city of New Amsterdam, and while its worthy but ill-starred governor 
was framing the above-quoted letter, the Efiglish commanders did not 
remain idle. They had agents secretly employed to foment the fears and 
clamors of the populace, and, moreover, circulated far and wide, through 
the adjacent country, a proclamation, repeating the terms they had al- 
ready held out in their summons to surrender, at the same time beguil- 
ing the simple Nederlanders with the most crafty and conciliating pro- 
fessions. They promised that every man who voluntarily submitted to 
the authority of his British Majesty should retain peaceful possession 
of his house, his vrouw, and his cabbage-garden. That he should be suf- 
fered to smoke his pipe, speak Dutch, wear as many breeches as he pleased, 
and import bricks, tiles, and stone jugs from Holland, instead of manu- 
fafturing them on the spot. That he should on no account be compelled 
to learn the English language, nor eat codfish on Saturdays, nor keep 
accounts in any other way than by casting them up on his fingers and 
chalking them down upon the crown of his hat, as is observed among the 
Dutch yeomanry at the present day. That every man should be allowed 
quietly to inherit his father's hat, coat, shoe-buckles, pipe, and every 
other personal appendage, and that no man should be obliged to conform 
to any improvements, inventions, or any other modern innovations ; but, 
on the contrary, should be permitted to build his house, follow his trade, 
manage his farm, rear his hogs, and educate his children precisely as 
his ancestors had done before him from time immemorial. Finally, that 
he should have all the benefits of free trade, and should not be required 
to acknowledge any other saint in the calendar than St. Nicholas, who 
should thenceforward, as before, be considered the tutelar saint of the city. 
These terms, as may be supposed, appeared very satisfactory to the peo- 
ple, who had a great disposition to enjoy their property unmolested, and 
a most singular aversion to engage in a contest where they could gain 
little more than honor and broken heads, — the first of which they held 
in philosophic indifference, the latter in utter detestation. By these in- 
sidious means, therefore, did the English succeed in alienating the con- 
fidence and affections of the populace from their gallant old governor 
(whom they considered as obstinately bent upon running them into hid- 
eous misadventures), and did not hesitate to speak their minds freely, and 
abuse him most heartily — behind his back. 
Like as a mighty grampus, when assailed and buffeted by roaring waves 

[ 287 ] 



A History of [Bk. vn 

and brawling surges, still keeps on an undeviating course, rising above 
the boisterous billows and spouting and blowing as he emerges, — so did 
the inflexible Peter pursue, unwavering, his determined career, and rise, 
contemptuous, above the clamors of the rabble. 

But when the British warriors found that he set their power at defiance, 
they dispatched recruiting officers to yamaica, and Jericho, and Nineveh, 
and Q^iiJg, and Patchog, and all those towns on Long Island which had 
been subdued of yore by Stoffel Brinkerhoff, — stirring up the progeny of 
Preserved Fish, and Determined Cock, and those other New England squat- 
ters, to assail the city of New Amsterdam by land, while the hostile ships 
prepared for an assault by water. 

The streets of New Amsterdam now presented a scene of wild dismay and 
consternation. In vain did Peter Stuyvesant order the citizens to arm and 
assemble on the Battery. Blank terror reigned over the community .The 
whole party o^ Short Pipes in the course of a single night had changed 
into arrant old women — a metamorphosis only to be paralleled by the 
prodigies recorded by Livy as having happened at Rome at the approach 
of Hannibal, when statues sweated in pure affright, goats were converted 
into sheep, and cocks, turning into hens, ran cackling about the street. 
Thus baffled in all attempts to put the city in a state of defence, block- 
aded from without, tormented from within, and menaced with a Yankee 
invasion, even the stiff-necked will oi Peter Stuyvesant for once gave way, 
and, in spite of his mighty heart, which swelled in his throat until it 
nearly choked him, he consented to a treaty of surrender. 
Words cannot express the transports of the populace on receiving this 
intelligence ; had they obtained a conquest over their enemies, they could 
not have indulged greater delight. The streets resounded with their con- 
gratulations, — they extolled their governor as the father and deliverer 
of his country, — they crowded to his house to testify their gratitude, and 
were ten times more noisy in their plaudits than when he returned, with 
viftory perched upon his beaver, from the glorious capture of Fort Chris- 
tina. But the indignant Peter shut his doors and windows, and took re- 
fuge in the innermost recesses of his mansion, that he might not hear the 
ignoble rejoicings of the rabble. 

Commissioners were now appointed on both sides, and a capitulation was 
speedily arranged ; all that was wanting to ratify it was that it should be 
signed by the governor. When the commissioners waited upon him for 
this purpose, they were received with grim and bitter courtesy. His war- 
like accoutrements were laid aside ; an old Indian nightgown was wrapped 
about his rugged limbs, a red nightcap overshadowed his frowning 
brow, an iron-gray beard of three days' growth gave additional grimness 

[ 288 ] 



Ch. xi] N E W Y O R K ^C. 

to his visage. Thrice did he seize a worn-out stump of a pen and essay to 
sign the loathsome paper, — thrice did he clinch his teeth and make a 
horrible countenance, as though a dose of rhubarb, senna, and ipecac- 
uanha had been offered to his lips ; at length, dashing it from him, he 
seized his brass-hilted sword, and, jerking it from the scabbard, swore by 
St. Nicholas sooner to die than yield to any power under heaven. 
For two whole days did he persist in this magnanimous resolution, dur- 
ing which his house was besieged by the rabble, and menaces and clam- 
orous revilings exhausted to no purpose. And now another course was 
adopted to soothe, if possible, his mighty ire. A solemn procession was 
formed by the burgomasters and schepens, followed by the populace, to 
bear the capitulation in state to the governor's dwelling. They found the 
castle strongly barricadoed, and the old hero in full regimentals, with his 
cocked hat on his head, posted with a blunderbuss ait the garret-window. 
There was something in this formidable position that struck even the 
ignoble vulgar with awe and admiration. The brawling multitude could 
not but refleft with self-abasement upon their own pusillanimous con- 
du6t when they beheld their hardy but deserted old governor thus faith- 
ful to his post, like a forlorn hope, and fully prepared to defend his un- 
grateful city to the last. These compunftions, however, were soon over- 
whelmed by the recurring tide of public apprehension. The populace 
arranged themselves before the house, taking off their hats with most re- 
spectful humility ; Burgomaster Roerback, who was of that popular class 
of orators described by Sallust as being " talkative rather than eloquent," 
stepped forth and addressed the governor in a speech of three hours' 
length, detailing, in the most pathetic terms, the calamitous situation of 
the province, and urging him in a constant repetition of the same argu- 
ments and words to sign the capitulation. 

The mighty Peter eyed him from his garret-window in grim silence ; 
now and then his eye would glance over the surrounding rabble, and an 
indignant grin, like that of an angry mastiff, would mark his iron vis- 
age. But, though a man of most undaunted mettle, — though he had a 
heart as big as an ox and a head that would have set adamant to scorn, 
— yet after all he was a mere mortal. Wearied out by these repeated op- 
positions and this eternal haranguing, and perceiving that unless he com- 
plied the inhabitants would follow their own inclination, or rather their 
fears, without waiting for his consent, or, what was still worse, the Yan- 
kees would have time to pour in their forces and claim a share in the 
conquest, he testily ordered them to hand up the paper. It was accor- 
dingly hoisted to him on the end of a pole, and, having scrawled his 
name at the bottom of it, he anathematized them all for a set of cow- 

[ 289 ] 



A History kSc [Bk.vh 

ardly, mutinous, degenerate poltroons, threw the capitulation at their 
heads, slammed down the window, and was heard stumping down-stairs 
with vehement indignation. The rabble incontinently took to their heels ; 
even the burgomasters were not slow in evacuating the premises, fearing 
lest the sturdy Peter might issue from his den and greet them with some 
unwelcome testimonial of his displeasure. 

Within three hours after the surrender, a legion of British beef-fed war- 
riors poured into New Amsterdam^ taking possession of the fort and bat- 
teries. And now might be heard, from all quarters, the sound of ham- 
mers made by the old Dutch burghers, in nailing up their doors and win- 
dows, to proteft their vrouws from these fierce barbarians, whom they 
contemplated in silent sullenness from the garret-windows as they pa- 
raded through the streets. 

Thus did Colonel Richard Nichols, the commander of the British forces, 
enter into quiet possession of the conquered realm as locum tenens for the 
Duke of York, The vidory was attended with no other outrage than 
that of changing the name of the province and its metropolis, which 
thenceforth were denominated New York, and so have continued to be 
calhd unto the present day. The inhabitants, according to treaty, were 
allowed to maintain quiet possession of their property ; but so inveter- 
ately did they retain their abhorrence of the British nation that in a 
private meeting of the leading citizens it was unanimously determined 
never to ask any of their conquerors to dinner. 

Note. — Modern historians assert that when the New NetherLmds were thus overrun by the British, 
as Spain in ancient days by the Saracens, a resolute band refused to bend the neck to the invader. 
Led by one Garret Van Home, a valorous and gigantic Dutchman, they crossed the bay and buried 
themselves among the marshes and cabbage-gardens of Communipaw, as did Pelayo and his followers 
among the mountains of Asturias. Here their descendants have remained ever since, keeping them- 
selves apart, like seed-corn, to re-people the city with the genuine breed whenever it shall be cffeft- 
ually recovered from its intruders. It is said, the genuine descendants of the Nederlanders who in- 
habit New York sti'' look with longing eyes to the green marshes of ancient Pavonia, as did the 
conquered Spaniards of yore to the stern mountains of Asturias, considering these the regions whence 
deliverance is to come. 



Ch 



[ 290 ] 



Chapter xii 



CONTAINING the dignified Retirement and mortal Sur- 
render o/' Peter the Headstrong. 

THUS, then, have I concluded this great historical enterprise ; 
but, before I lay aside my weary pen, there yet remains to be 
performed one pious duty. If among the variety of readers 
who may peruse this book there should haply be found any 
of those souls of true nobility which glow with celestial fire 
as the history of the generous and the brave, they will doubtless be anx- 
ious to know the fate of the gallant Peter Stuyvesant. To gratify one such 
sterling heart of gold I would go more lengths than to instruft the cold- 
blooded curiosity of a whole fraternity of philosophers. 
No sooner had that high-mettled cavalier signed the articles of capitu- 
lation than, determined not to witness the humiliation of his favorite city, 
he turned his back on its walls and made a growling retreat to his bouwery, 
or country-seat, which was situated about two miles off, where he passed 
the remainder of his days in patriarchal retirement. There he enjoyed that 
tranquillity of mind which he had never known amid the distrafting cares 
of government, and tasted the sweets of absolute and uncontrolled author- 
ity which his fadious subjefts had so often dashed with the bitterness of 
opposition. 

No persuasions could ever induce him to revisit the city ; on the con- 
trary, he would always have his great arm-chair placed with its back to 
the windows which looked in that diredion, until a thick grove of trees 
planted by his own hand grew up and formed a screen that effeftually 
excluded it from the prosped. He railed continually at the degenerate 
innovations and improvements introduced by the conquerors, forbade a 
word of their detested language to be spoken in his family, — a prohibi- 
tion readily obeyed, since none of the household could speak anything 
but Dutch, — and even ordered a fine avenue to be cut down in front of 
his house because it consisted of English cherry-trees. 
The same incessant vigilance which blazed forth when he had a vast 
province under his care now showed itself with equal vigor, though in 
narrower limits. He patrolled with unceasing watchfulness the bounda- 
ries of his little territory, repelled every encroachment with intrepid 
promptness, punished every vagrant depredation upon his orchard or 

[ 291 ] 



A History of [Bk. 



VII 



his farm-yard with inflexible severity, and conducted every stray hog or 
cow^ in triumph to the pound. But, to the indigent neighbor, the friend- 
less stranger, or the weary wanderer, his spacious doors were ever open, 
and his capacious fireplace, that emblem of his own warm and generous 
heart, had always a corner to receive and cherish them. There was an 
exception to this, I must confess, in case the ill-starred applicant were 
an Englishman or a Tankee, to whom, though he might extend the hand 
of assistance, he could never be brought to yield the rites ot hospitality. 
Nay, if peradventure some straggling merchant of the east should stop 
at his door with his cart-load of tin-ware or wooden bowls, the fiery 
Peter would issue forth like a giant from his castle and make such a furi- 
ous clattering among his pots and kettles that the vender of ''''notions" 
was fain to betake himself to instant flight. 

His suit of regimentals, worn threadbare by the brush, were carefully 
hung up in the state bedchamber, and regularly aired the first fair day 
of every month, and his cocked hat and trusty sword were suspended in 
grim repose over the mantel-piece, forming supporters to a full-length 
portrait of the renowned Admiral Van Tromp. In his domestic empire he 
maintained stridl discipline and a well-organized despotic government ; 
but, though his own will was the supreme law, yet the good of his sub- 
je6ts was his constant objeft. He watched over not merely their immedi- 
ate comforts, but their morals and their ultimate welfare ; for he gave 
them abundance of excellent admonition, nor could any of them com- 
plain that, when occasion required, he was by any means niggardly in 
bestowing wholesome correftion. 

The good old Dutch festivals, those periodical demonstrations of an over- 
flowing heart and a thankful spirit, which are falling into sad disuse among 
my fellow-citizens, were faithfully observed in the mansion of Governor 
Stuyvesant. New-Year was truly a day of open-handed liberality, of jo- 
cund revelry, and warm-hearted congratulation, when the bosom swelled 
with genial good-fellowship, and the plenteous table was attended with 
an unceremonious freedom and honest broad-mouthed merriment un- 
known in these days of degeneracy and refinement. Paas and Pinxter were 
scrupulously observed throughout his dominions ; nor was the day of &. 
Nicholas suffered to pass by without making presents, hanging the stock- 
ing in the chimney, and complying with all its other ceremonies. 
Once a year, on the first day of April, he used to array himself in full 
regimentals, being the anniversary of his triumphal entry into New Am- 
sterdam after the conquest of New Sweden. This was always a kind of sat- 
urnalia among the domestics, when they considered themselves at liberty, 
in some measure, to say and do what they pleased ; for on this day their 

[ 292 ] 



Ch.xii] New York ^c. 

master was always observed to unbend and become exceeding pleasant 
and jocose, sending the old gray-headed negroes on April-fool's errands 
for pigeon's milk, — not one of whom but allowed himself to be taken in, 
and humored his old master's jokes as became a faithful and well-disci- 
plined dependant. Thus did he reign happily and peacefully on his own 
land — injuring no man — envying no man — molested by no outward 
strifes — perplexed by no internal commotions ; and the mighty monarchs 
of the earth, who were vainly seeking to maintain peace and promote the 
welfare of mankind by war and desolation, would have done well to have 
made a voyage to the little island oi Manna-hata and learned a lesson in 
government from the domestic economy of Peter Stuyvesant. 
In process of time, however, the old governor, like all other children 
of mortality, began to exhibit evident tokens of decay. Like an aged oak 
which, though it long has braved the fury of the elements and still re- 
tains its gigantic proportions, begins to shake and groan with every blast, 
so was it with the gallant Peter ; for, though he still bore the port and 
semblance of what he was in the days of his hardihood and chivalry, yet 
did age and infirmity begin to sap the vigor of his frame, — but his heart, 
that unconquerable citadel, still triumphed unsubdued. With matchless 
avidity would he listen to every article of intelligence concerning the 
battles between the English and Dutch, — still would his pulse beat high 
whenever he heard of the victories of De Ruyter, and his countenance 
lower, and his eyebrows knit, when fortune turned in favor of the English. 
At length, as on a certain day he had just smoked his fifth pipe and was 
napping after dinner in his arm-chair, conquering the whole British na- 
tion in his dreams, he was suddenly aroused by a ringing of bells, rat- 
tling of drums, and roaring of cannon that put all his blood in a ferment. 
But when he learnt that these rejoicings were in honor of a great viftory 
obtained by the combined English and French fleets over the brave De 
Ruyter and the younger Van Tromp, it went so much to his heart that 
he took to his bed, and in less than three days was brought to death's 
door by a violent cholera morbus ! Even in this extremity he still dis- 
played the unconquerable spirit of Peter the Headstrong, — holding out to 
the last gasp, with inflexible obstinacy, against a whole army of old wo- 
men who were bent upon driving the enemy out of his bowels, in the 
true Dutch mode of defence, by inundation. 

While he thus lay, lingering on the vergeof dissolution, news was brought 
him that the brave De Ruyter had made good his retreat, with little loss, 
and meant once more to meet the enemy in battle. The closing eye of 
the old warrior kindled with martial fire at the words ; he partly raised 
himself in bed, clinched his withered hand, as if he felt within his gripe 

[ 293 ] 



A History of [Bk. 



VII 



that sword which waved in triumph before the walls of Fort Christina, 
and, giving a grim smile of exultation, sank back upon his pillow and 
expired. 

Thus died Peter Stuyvesant, — a valiant soldier, a loyal subjeft, an upright 
governor, and an honest Dutchman, — who wanted only a few empires 
to desolate, to have been immortalized as a hero ! 

His funeral obsequies were celebrated with the utmost grandeur and 
solemnity. The town was perfectly emptied of its inhabitants, who 
crowded in throngs to pay the last sad honors to their good old gover- 
nor. All his sterling qualities rushed in full tide upon their recolleftion, 
while the memory of his foibles and his faults had expired with him. 
The ancient burghers contended who should have the privilege of bear- 
ing the pall ; the populace strove who should walk nearest to the bier, 
and the melancholy procession was closed by a number of gray-headed 
negroes who had wintered and summered in the household of their de- 
parted master for the greater part of a century. 

With sad and gloomy countenances the multitude gathered round the 
grave. They dwelt with mournful hearts on the sturdy virtues, the sig- 
nal services, and the gallant exploits of the brave old worthy. They re- 
called, with secret upbraidings, their own faftious oppositions to his gov- 
ernment ; and many an ancient burgher whose phlegmatic features had 
never been known to relax nor his eyes to moisten, was now observed 
to puff a pensive pipe, and the big drop to steal down his cheek, while he 
muttered, with affectionate accent and melancholy shake of the head, 
"Well, den ! — Hardkoppig Peter ben gone at last !" 
His remains were deposited in the family vault, under a chapel which 
he had piously erecfted on his estate and dedicated to St. Nicholas, — and 
which stood on the identical spot at present occupied by St. Mark's 
church, where his tombstone is still to be seen. His estate, or bouwery, 
as it was called, has ever continued in the possession of his descendants, 
who, by the uniform integrity of their condud: and their strid: adherence 
to the customs and manners that prevailed in the '■'■good old times," have 
proved themselves worthy of their illustrious ancestor. Many a time and 
oft has the farm been haunted at night by enterprising money-diggers, 
in quest of pots of gold said to have been buried by the old governor, 
though I cannot learn that any of them have ever been enriched by their 
researches ; and who is there, among my native-born fellow-citizens, that 
does not remember when, in the mischievous days of his boyhood, he 
conceived it a great exploit to rob '■'■ Stuyvesanf s orchard" on a holiday 
afternoon t 
At this stronghold of the family may still be seen certain memorials of 

[ 294 ] 



Ch.xii] New York ^c. 

the immortal Peter. His full-length portrait frowns in martial terrors from 
the parlor-wall ; his cocked hat and sword still hang up in the best bed- 
room ; his brimstone-colored breeches were for a long while suspended 
in the hall, until some years since they occasioned a dispute between a 
new-married couple ; and his silver-mounted wooden leg is still treasured 
up in the storeroom as an invaluable relique. 



Ch 

[ 295 ] 



Chapter xiii 



THE Author's RefieSiions upon What Has Been Said. 

^MONG the numerous events which are each in their turn the 
/^^ most direful and melancholy of all possible occurrences in 
/ ^ L your interesting and authentic history, there is none that oc- 
^ ^^^ casions such deep and heart-rending grief as the decline and 
fall of your renowned and mighty empires. Where is the 
reader who can contemplate without emotion the disastrous events by 
which the great dynasties of the world have been extinguished? While 
wandering, in imagination, among the gigantic ruins of states and em- 
pires, and marking the tremendous convulsions that wrought their over- 
throw, the bosom of the melancholy inquirer swells with sympathy com- 
mensurate to the surrounding desolation. Kingdoms, principalities, and 
powers have each had their rise, their progress, and their downfall, — 
each in its turn has swayed a potent sceptre, — each has returned to its 
primeval nothingness. And thus did it fare with the empire of their 
High Mightinesses, at the Manhattoes, under the peaceful reign of Wal- 
ter the Doubter, the fretful reign of William the Testy, and the chivalric 
reign of Peter the Headstrong. 

Its history is fruitful of instruction and worthy of being pondered over 
attentively, for it is by thus raking among the ashes of departed great- 
ness that the sparks of true knowledge are to be found and the lamp 
of wisdom illuminated. Let, then, the reign o? Walter the Douhter warn 
against yielding to that sleek, contented security and that overweening 
fondness for comfort and repose which are produced by a state of pros- 
perity and peace. These tend to unnerve a nation ; to destroy its pride 
of character ; to render it patient of insult ; deaf to the calls of honor and 
of justice ; and cause it to cling to peace, like the sluggard to his pillow, 
at the expense of every valuable duty and consideration. Such supineness 
insures the very evil from which it shrinks. One right yielded up pro- 
duces the usurpation of a second ; one encroachment passively suffered 
makes way for another ; and the nation which thus, through a doting 
love of peace, has sacrificed honor and interest, will at length have to 
fight for existence. 
Let the disastrous reign of William the Testy serve as a salutary warning 

[ 296 ] 



I 



Ch.xiii] New York S^c. 

against that fitful, feverish mode of legislation which a6ts without sys- 
tem, depends on shifts and projects, and trusts to lucky contingencies ; 
which hesitates and wavers, and at length decides with the rashness 
of ignorance and imbecility ; which stoops for popularity by courting 
the prejudices and flattering the arrogance, rather than commanding the 
respec?t of the rabble ; which seeks safety in a multitude of counsellors, 
and distracts itself by a variety of contradictory schemes and opinions ; 
which mistakes procrastination for wariness, hurry for decision, par- 
simony for economy, bustle for business, and vaporing for valor ; which 
is violent in council, sanguine in expectation, precipitate in aftion, and 
feeble in execution ; which undertakes enterprises without forethought, 
enters upon them without preparation, conducts them without energy, 
and ends them in confusion and defeat. 

Let the reign of the good Stuyvesant show the effefts of vigor and de- 
cision even when destitute of cool judgment and surrounded by per- 
plexities. Let it show how frankness, probity, and high-souled courage 
will command respeft and secure honor even where success is unat- 
tainable. But, at the same time, let it caution against a too ready reliance 
on the good faith of others, and a too honest confidence in the loving 
professions of powerful neighbors, who are most friendly when they most 
mean to betray. Let it teach a judicious attention to the opinions and 
wishes of the many, who, in times of peril, must be soothed and led, or 
apprehension will overpower the deference to authority. 
Let the empty wordiness of his factious subjects, their intemperate ha- 
rangues, their violent "resolutions," their heftorings against an absent 
enemy, and their pusillanimity on his approach teach us to distrust and 
despise those clamorous patriots whose courage dwells but in the tongue. 
Let them serve as a lesson to repress that insolence of speech, destitute 
of real force, which too often breaks forth in popular bodies and be- 
speaks the vanity rather than the spirit of a nation. Let them caution us 
against vaunting too much of our own power and prowess, and reviling 
a noble enemy. True gallantry of soul would always lead us to treat a 
foe with courtesy and proud pun6tilio ; a contrary conduct but takes from 
the merit of vidtory and renders defeat doubly disgraceful. 
But I cease to dwell on the stores of excellent examples to be drawn 
from the ancient chronicles of the Manhattoes. He who reads attentively 
will discover the threads of gold which run throughout the web of his- 
tory and are invisible to the dull eye of ignorance. But, before I con- 
clude, let me point out a solemn warning furnished in the subtle chain 
of events by which the capture of Fort Casimir has produced the pre- 
sent convulsions of our globe. 

[ 297 ] 



A History of [Bk. vh 

Attend, then, gentle reader, to this plain deduftion, which, if thou art 
a king, an emperor, or other powerful potentate, I advise thee to trea- 
sure up in thy heart, — though little expectation have I that my work 
shall fall into such hands, for well I know the care of crafty ministers to 
keep all grave and edifying books of the kind out of the way of unhappy 
monarchs, lest peradventure they should read them and learn wisdom. 
By the treacherous surprisal of Fort Cashnir, then, did the crafty Swedes 
enjoy a transient triumph, but drew upon their heads the vengeance of 
Peter Stuyvesant, who wrested all New Sweden from their hands. By the 
conquest of New Sweden, Peter Stuyvesant aroused the claims of Lord 
Baltimore, who appealed to the Cabinet of Great Britaiti, who subdued 
the whole province of New Netherlands. By this great achievement the 
whole extent of North America, from Nova Scotia to the Floridas, was 
rendered one entire dependency upon the British crown. But, mark the 
consequence : the hitherto scattered colonies, being thus consolidated 
and having no rival colonies to check or keep them in awe, waxed great 
and powerful, and, finally, becoming too strong for the mother-country, 
were enabled to shake off its bonds, and by a glorious revolution became 
an independent empire. But the chain of effeft stopped not here : the 
successful revolution in America produced the sanguinary revolution in 
France, which produced the puissant Bonaparte, who produced the French 
despotism, which has thrown the whole world in confusion ! Thus have 
these great powers been successively punished for their ill-starred con- 
quests ; and thus, as I asserted, have all the present convulsions, revolu- 
tions, and disasters that overwhelm mankind originated in the capture 
of the little Fort Casimir, as recorded in this eventful history. 
And now, worthy reader, ere I take a sad farewell, — which, alas ! must 
be forever, — willingly would I part in cordial fellowship and bespeak 
thy kind-hearted remembrance. That I have not written a better history 
of the days of the patriarchs is not my fault ; had any other person written 
one as good, I should not have attempted it at all. That many will here- 
after spring up and surpass me in excellence, I have very little doubt and 
still less care, — well knowing that when the great Christovallo Colon (who 
is vulgarly called Columbus) had once stood his egg upon its end, every 
one at table could stand his up a thousand times more dexterously. Should 
any reader find matter of offence in this history, I should heartily grieve, 
though I would on no account question his penetration by telling him he 
was mistaken — his good-nature by telling him he was captious — or his 
pure conscience by telling him he was startled at a shadow. Surely, when so 
ingenious in finding offence where none was intended, it were a thousand 
pities he should not be suffered to enjoy the benefit of his discovery. 

[ 298 ] 



Ch. xiii] 



New York 



c. 



I have too high an opinion of the understanding of my fellow-citizens 
to think of yielding them instruttion, and I covet too much their good- 
will to forfeit it by giving them advice. I am none of those cynics who 
despise the world because it despises them ; on the contrary, though but 
low in its regard, I look up to it with the most perfect good-nature, and 
my only sorrow is that it does not prove itself more worthy of the un- 
bounded love I bear it. If, however, in this my historic production — 
the scanty fruit of a long and laborious life — I have failed to gratify the 
dainty palate of the age, I can only lament my misfortune, for it is too 
late in the season for me even to hope to repair it. Already has withering 
age showered his sterile snows upon my brow ; in a little while, and this 
genial warmth which still lingers around my heart, and throbs, worthy 
reader, throbs kindly towards thyself, will be chilled forever. Haply 
this frail compound of dust, which while alive may have given birth to 
naught but unprofitable weeds, may form a humble sod of the valley, 
whence may spring many a sweet wild flower to adorn my beloved island 
of Manna-hata ! 




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